I Really Blew It

[madison1101]

I stuck my nose where it really doesn't belong.

My 26 year old son needs to buy a new car as his old one completely died. He is an actor looking for work, biding time at a temporary agency. He lives with me for now. He told his dad what the situation was, and mentioned that the only loan he could probably get would be if it were cosigned. I am not in a position to help him financially.

The day after he talked to his dad, Dad called him from his vacation in San Francisco to tell him that there was no way he would cosign for him. Dad also suggested he try to use public transportation, which sucks in our suburbs. Dad can afford to help him.

What upsets Son is that Dad spent thousands of dollars paying for legal fees to help younger son when he got arrested for drug possession. He also spent more putting younger son through prep school. Older son went to public high school. Dad also talked me into buying younger son a car with his college money because it would be easier to find a job with a car.

So, I got furious and called Dad on his vacation, and told him off. Now, Son is upset with me for butting in. I apologized to son, but feel pretty lousy.

Divorce sucks. Even though the kids are grown, I still screw up and hurt them.

 

[jenelis]

I think you're being awfully hard on yourself.

You reacted to a situation-- regardless of right or wrong move-- based on love for your son and because you feel that he's gotten the short end of the stick in the past. I honestly don't see anything wrong with your actions.

Maybe your ex will step up to the plate now that he knows how upset you've gotten.

A somewhat similar thing happened to me when I was in college-- my sister was getting married and everyone was contributing to the fund for the wedding... yet my summer tuition was due and I couldn't pay it. Mom said she couldn't-- due to wedding expenses and Dad said same (they're divorced). Finally, I flew off the handle and screamed at everyone and then Dad realized he should dig deeper and pay-- and he did.

Back to your situation-- I think I'd just lay low and see if Dad doesn't find some cash. God works in mysterious ways. Let him do his magic.

 

[Southern Cross]

I was in a similar situation as your son once. My car was just a wreck, it would blow toxic clouds of black smoke across the parking lot when I started it. No A/C, and it is sizzling h-h-h-hot down here for 4-5 months out of the year. It's engine was on it's last legs. We had no money. So instead of looking to others for help, we prayed about it. Next thing you know, our next door neighbor - a Catholic priest - knocks on our door asking if we'd like to buy his car since his mom passed away and he was taking her new car. So we bought his car for about half of what a dealer would've charged, 0% interest, $50 per month, and it only had 40K miles on it. Aside from Jesus showing up at our door holding car keys, I'm not sure how God could answered our need any better than that. Or maybe the priest just couldn't take the clouds of black smoke anymore! And that's the second time that God answered our need for a car before I started making decent money.

Maybe praying with your son will help? Will he pray with you?

 

[heartnsoul]

I think there are more options that may be worth exploring. For instance, is it possible for your son to get a job to bring in some money? Is your son living out on his own yet? Being 26 years old, he should be independent and living on his own in my opinion. Maybe he can get a job and then pay for a *used* car instead of a brand new one until he saves up enough money for a new one? I wouldn't co-sign any loans for a 26 year-old. I would *lend* money to pay for a used one, but not co-sign for a new car. I have heard that many "to-be" actors/actresses have all started out working in many odd jobs and part-time jobs to survive until they got some acting work.

No offense...I guess I'm from the "old school" mentality that it's better to teach a child "how to fish" than to catch it for him. Responsibility and self-sufficiency are important lessons that young adults need to learn. Nowadays, too many kids are spoiled in our society and they grow up not understanding the value of hard work and good work ethics.

I pray that your son finds a good job and saves up money to buy his own things. Meanwhile, try not to be too hard on yourself. Your intentions were good even though it wasn't received as such. Forgive yourself. Maybe it's time to let go of your son and let him fight his own battles in life. I know that is probably easier said than done. Anyway, I will be praying for you and your son. Bigs hugs to you!!

 

[jenelis]

I loved SouthernCross' story about the preacher knocing on the door. And I guess I may not have realized that your son wants you to cosign for a NEW car. I MIGHT co-sign, depending upon how responsible he is normally-- but it wouldn't be for a new car-- just new to him.

Acting out of love for your children is natural-- whether you're cosigning a loan or defending their purpose.

 

[madison1101]

I do not appreciate the judgments being made on my son. My son just graduated from graduate school with a Masters in Fine Arts and a 4.0 GPA. He is working very hard. He just finished filming a Disney movie, and is doing temp work till he moves onto his next acting job. He lived in Illinois during grad school, and before that he was away at college. He currently lives with me because I am close to both New York and Philadelphia, so he can go to auditions. He is trying to save money to buy a car, and all he didn't ask anyone for a handout. His father just automatically told him he wasn't going to cosign a loan for him, unsolicited.

Understand that his father paid $5000 for an expensive lawyer for our other son who got arrested for drug possession two years ago. His father also cosigned a loan for his stepson.

My son is not askng for a handout. In fact, he didn't ask his father for anything. He has worked 14 hour days for the past 9 years in an attempt to start a career. He deserves more than harsh judgments.

 

[madison1101]

I think there are more options that may be worth exploring. For instance, is it possible for your son to get a job to bring in some money? Is your son living out on his own yet? Being 26 years old, he should be independent and living on his own in my opinion. Maybe he can get a job and then pay for a *used* car instead of a brand new one until he saves up enough money for a new one? I wouldn't co-sign any loans for a 26 year-old. I would *lend* money to pay for a used one, but not co-sign for a new car. I have heard that many "to-be" actors/actresses have all started out working in many odd jobs and part-time jobs to survive until they got some acting work.

No offense...I guess I'm from the "old school" mentality that it's better to teach a child "how to fish" than to catch it for him. Responsibility and self-sufficiency are important lessons that young adults need to learn. Nowadays, too many kids are spoiled in our society and they grow up not understanding the value of hard work and good work ethics.

I pray that your son finds a good job and saves up money to buy his own things. Meanwhile, try not to be too hard on yourself. Your intentions were good even though it wasn't received as such. Forgive yourself. Maybe it's time to let go of your son and let him fight his own battles in life. I know that is probably easier said than done. Anyway, I will be praying for you and your son. Bigs hugs to you!!

My son is not looking for a new car. He just wants to get a cheap reliable used car. He does have an excellent work ethic. I raised all of my kids with that idea, and do nto believe in giving handouts. He is working. He is willing to wait tables and do temp work, which he is doing. Please do not assume my son is not working or willing to work.

 

[jenelis]

Gosh Madison 1101, I don't think anyone intended to jump to conclusions about your son. So sorry if anything I said rubbed you the wrong way.

 

[madison1101]

Gosh Madison 1101, I don't think anyone intended to jump to conclusions about your son. So sorry if anything I said rubbed you the wrong way.

Jenelis,
Nothing you said rubbed me the wrong way. It was the posts inferring that my son wasn't working or trying to make his way in the world. My original post was discussing how I blew it by arguing with his father over him. It then became people telling me to make my son stand on his own two feet.

 

[Southern Cross]

Just a couple of other ideas to think about...

1. I have a friend who buys all his cars throuh a guy who goes to auto auctions. They pay a finders fee of $500 to $1,000 per car, and it's still far cheaper than buying through a dealer. His family has been using the same guy for years. Can you find someone like that in your area? Money can be tight if your son just graduated, maybe that will get him thrugh until he can afford somethng nicer.

2. Advertise at church if they have a message board. "Recent college grad needs reliable, affordable transportation...", that kind of thing. Some folks HATE going through the ordeal of trading in their used car and would rater sell it to someone who really needsit for less money. Might work for you!

I don't think anyone was insulting your son. Sometimes folks throw ideas out there and they don't know the whole picture. They're just trying to help. Sounds like your son is on his way in the world - I wish him the best! This must be a very exciting time for him.

 

[heartnsoul]

My son is not looking for a new car. He just wants to get a cheap reliable used car. He does have an excellent work ethic. I raised all of my kids with that idea, and do nto believe in giving handouts. He is working. He is willing to wait tables and do temp work, which he is doing. Please do not assume my son is not working or willing to work.

I wasn't trying to make judgments about your son. I responded to what was written in your original post. When you mentioned that your ex wouldn't cosign, it led me to believe that your son didn't have money. I was just throwing ideas out with the intention to help. Please accept my apology. This is the downside of email because it's easy to have misunderstandings. I'm glad to hear your son is doing well. Again, I am very sorry if you were offended...that wasn't my intention.

 

[madison1101]

Please accept my apologies for being so sensitive yesterday. It is a throwback to my marriage when my ex would be highly critical of my kids.

God is so cool. Last night, my brother called to say he would give my son an old 1991 Mercury Grand Marquis that our mother had given him in November. It burns oil, and probably needs new brakes. Brother thinks son can keep it on the road for another year, with a lot of oil. This is exactly what my son needs.

The problem with my ex and my son goes way back to my son's childhood. Ex was very harsh toward son all his life. Highly critical of him. Son is an actor, ex does not value the arts. Son is bitter about a lot that happened to him.

Thanks for all the help. Son hashed things out last night with his dad. Son feels better.

 

[heartnsoul]

Please accept my apologies for being so sensitive yesterday. It is a throwback to my marriage when my ex would be highly critical of my kids.

God is so cool. Last night, my brother called to say he would give my son an old 1991 Mercury Grand Marquis that our mother had given him in November. It burns oil, and probably needs new brakes. Brother thinks son can keep it on the road for another year, with a lot of oil. This is exactly what my son needs.

The problem with my ex and my son goes way back to my son's childhood. Ex was very harsh toward son all his life. Highly critical of him. Son is an actor, ex does not value the arts. Son is bitter about a lot that happened to him.

Thanks for all the help. Son hashed things out last night with his dad. Son feels better.

Wonderful...praise God!! Glad to hear things worked out.