I need to talk to somebody...PLEASE

[Wisdom's Child]

I just don't know where to turn. I know I need help but there just doesn't seem to be much out there for me.

Here is the situation, I'm a man who is in an emotional/mental abuse situation. No it has not turned physical, but the mental anguish is quite enough. My wife is my abuser...though I love her dearly...she has over the last 4 years become more and more abusive, uncaring, and self absorbed. She seems to want to blame me for all of the wrongs that men have done to her in her life. I just can't deal with it anymore.
I found a Domestic Violence website which has helped so far, but it is for Women not Men.
This last weekend I executed my "escape plan" and cut off all contact with her. She has been told that I will talk with her with a mediator present, but she has so far refused. She wants to control me, and has started spreading rumors about me to get me to come groveling back to her. I need to talk to somebody....
PLEASE HELP

 

[LJSGM]

She sounds like the manipulator type. They have learned to lived in the world by manipulating those around them. Most likely grew up this way because their parents taught them, and had this sickness as well. With a manipulator, the world revolves around them. If you don't give them what they want, it's is like a black and white senerio, you become the devil to them. If you enable their behavior, then they become like an angel to you. This is how people become involved with malnipulators, is because they treat them well, and then they treat you with a "softness" at the same time getting what they want of course.

My best advice is to get some books on it so that you can put yourself "outside" the situation, and see it from the proper perpective in order to not get hurt from this behavior.

Unfortunately, these kinds do not do well in society and in life, and often have types of depression because their relationships with others are so bad. It's like drama, drama, drama all the time, and walking on egg shells.

Can't say for sure this is what it is, but just trying to help.

 

[Wisdom's Child]

Yes, you are very close.
She is unforgiving. Every mistake is held over your head like the "sword of Damocles". She only wants it her way, no compromising.
She is the head, not I. I have no say in anything, I can only accept it her way. One BIG ISSUE is that she works as a domestic violence councilor and anything that I say or do to try to get some control or respect gets twisted (spin doctored) as an attempt to control her.
She works around a lot of feminist men hating women who daily teach abused women how to use the legal system to free themselves and/or hurt their abusers.
I live in fear of what my wife is capable of doing if I don't submit to her and return to her control.

As much as I do not believe in divorce, I think that it may be my only option. But it could potentially become very ugly.

 

[LJSGM]

Yes, you are very close.
She is unforgiving. Every mistake is held over your head like the "sword of Damocles". She only wants it her way, no compromising.
She is the head, not I. I have no say in anything, I can only accept it her way. One BIG ISSUE is that she works as a domestic violence councilor and anything that I say or do to try to get some control or respect gets twisted (spin doctored) as an attempt to control her.
She works around a lot of feminist men hating women who daily teach abused women how to use the legal system to free themselves and/or hurt their abusers.
I live in fear of what my wife is capable of doing if I don't submit to her and return to her control.

As much as I do not believe in divorce, I think that it may be my only option. But it could potentially become very ugly.

Yes, it's nearly impossible for them to listen to anything that they might precieve as criticism. In fact, often times any sort of conversation about their behavior just makes the situation far worst.

I have read "the manipulative child" which brought some prepective about the behavior that I see in my husband's family. Of course, this book won't advise you on your marriage and how to better your situation, so, I would try and find a book, or someone out there that can help you figure all of this out.

 

[VioletLady]

I just don't know where to turn. I know I need help but there just doesn't seem to be much out there for me.

Here is the situation, I'm a man who is in an emotional/mental abuse situation. No it has not turned physical, but the mental anguish is quite enough. My wife is my abuser...though I love her dearly...she has over the last 4 years become more and more abusive, uncaring, and self absorbed. She seems to want to blame me for all of the wrongs that men have done to her in her life. I just can't deal with it anymore.
I found a Domestic Violence website which has helped so far, but it is for Women not Men.
This last weekend I executed my "escape plan" and cut off all contact with her. She has been told that I will talk with her with a mediator present, but she has so far refused. She wants to control me, and has started spreading rumors about me to get me to come groveling back to her. I need to talk to somebody....
PLEASE HELP

Hi there Wisdom's Child. *hugs* I am Rachel, a survivor of domestic violence.

I am female, but it makes no difference whether the perpetrator is male or female...domestic violence is WRONG.

I moved 300 miles away from my abusive ex husband (with my kids). I have been through what you are going through. If I can help at all, or you just want to talk, please don't hesitate to pm (private message) me.

Blessings,

Rachel (VioletLady) xxx

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Even though most shelters cater to women, any good domestic violence program knows that men are abused as well, and they should be able to provide the counsel you need through this. There may be a rare program that offers support groups for men, but unfortunately, there aren't a lot of male specific resources.

Many DV programs offer counseling free or at significantly reduced cost, and they can guide you on sorting through what has happened and what happens next.

 

[Wisdom's Child]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Even though most shelters cater to women, any good domestic violence program knows that men are abused as well, and they should be able to provide the counsel you need through this. There may be a rare program that offers support groups for men, but unfortunately, there aren't a lot of male specific resources.

Many DV programs offer counseling free or at significantly reduced cost, and they can guide you on sorting through what has happened and what happens next.

Yes, but unfortunately my wife works as a councilor at the local DV shelter. I would have to go to her workplace to receive help through normal channels. Not to mention how her job would be affected if they learned that they have an abuser working in their midst.

 

[goldenviolet]

have you obtained council from the church? you need to build yourself some local resources. it's a must do. you need support and resources. if you can't use the local DV center; then use a toll free hotline and see if you can find other resources. ~ i'm very sad and prayerful for you, love dee