I need support!

[ZiSunka]

I need support while my sister goes through a bad patch with her suspected BPD. She's entering her crisis phase when she gets so out of control she's impossible to be around.

She has decided that she hates me and doesn't want me to call, email or visit her. Her in-laws don't want her around because of the turmoil she is creating and always creates in their family. She has been told to stay home from the new grandchild's baptism (my sister is the new mom's stepmother and she has made scenes at weddings, funerals, showers, engagement parties, etc, so they are right to ask her not to be there IMHO), and she was told that she cannot be called the baby's grandmother (the new mom's mom is still alive and close to her daughter) and it's made her vicious. She doesn't understand that it is her own actions that have caused them to do this.

A doctor friend advised me to stand firm and not give in to her temper tantrams and bad moods. But it is hard to have to be separated from her like this and I don't know if that is the right thing to do. What if she attempts suicide again and succeeds?

What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

[madison1101]

The doctor is right, steer clear of her during her temper tantrums. You are not responsible for her behavior, and you can't rescue her from herself. She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions, in this case, being ostracized by the family.

 

[ZiSunka]

You've said exactly what the doctor said.

I'm not responsible for her, I can't rescue her, she needs to suffer the consequences.

It's really hard, because I want my sister to be normal right now, but I'm going to take the advice of the people who have dealt with this already. Why make the same mistakes others have if I can take their experienced advice.

 

[madison1101]

The best thing you can do is pray for her. Pray that the Lord protect her while she acts out, and that she learn quickly the lessons the Lord desires to teach her at this time.

There is hope. The Lord taught me how NOT to act out and how to be normal.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[ZiSunka]

Oh Trish! That is GOOD news!

How did you come to the realization that you needed to make some adjustments to your behavior?

 

[cypher000]

The blindness goes on...

 

[ZiSunka]

The blindness goes on...

What do you mean?

 

[madison1101]

Oh Trish! That is GOOD news!

How did you come to the realization that you needed to make some adjustments to your behavior?

When my husband told me he wanted a divorce, I was able to clearly see just how out of control I had been for so many years. I had already been in therapy and I just snapped out of it and started behaving normally. I have been in therapy with the same therapist for 17 years. It has really been a blessing. Medication helped me with a lot of it, but losing my marriage was the catalyst for permanent changes.

 

[ZiSunka]

My brother-in-law has been threatening to leave my sister. Maybe that will help her understand that she needs to work on her problem?

 

[cypher000]

As one who suffers with BPD I know all too well the effects of being rejected and ostracized by our families and friends. Rejection is a driving component of the disorder and causes a great deal of pain in the person afflicted. Love and kindness is the greatest of all healers. To show your love in the face of all adversity, this is to be like our faithful Lord and Savior, this is to be like Jesus...

 

[madison1101]

As one who suffers with BPD I know all too well the effects of being rejected and ostracized by our families and friends. Rejection is a driving component of the disorder and causes a great deal of pain in the person afflicted. Love and kindness is the greatest of all healers. To show your love in the face of all adversity, this is to be like our faithful Lord and Savior, this is to be like Jesus...

Cypher
There is a huge difference between counseling and psychotherapy. Counseling is giving advice. Psychotherapy is working through feelings and issues and learning to change behavior.

For those who are afflicted by a person with BPD, they sometimes MUST escape the person in order to save themselves. The BPD patient MUST learn to cope with negative feelings without acting out and allowing the feelings to overcome them. It is possible to do that with the help of a good psychotherapist. I have learned, through my divorce, where I was rejected, to heal and grow and get rid of my BPD diagnosis.

 

[ZiSunka]

As one who suffers with BPD I know all too well the effects of being rejected and ostracized by our families and friends. Rejection is a driving component of the disorder and causes a great deal of pain in the person afflicted. Love and kindness is the greatest of all healers. To show your love in the face of all adversity, this is to be like our faithful Lord and Savior, this is to be like Jesus...

I've shown her love and acceptance for 49 years. It doesn't make her better, it just makes her worse. The nicer I am to her, the more she acts like a spoiled brat.

I'm looking to try new things. I blame myself partially for the way she is, because I never set strong enough boundaries or called her on her behavior. Read my blog. She's not just a misunderstood needy child. She has destroyed two marriages and sent both my parents to an early grave from stress.

I'm sorry that you think having boundaries and refusing to give in to temper tantrams and childish behavior is rejection. I'm not rejecting her, I'm letting her know that I've had enough. Until you've been berated in a screaming fit at JFK airport and had your foot run over with a luggage cart because your loved one is angry she didn't get a second bag of pretzels on the plane, you can't really know 1/1000000th of what I have been through with her.

 

[tapero]

Hi folks, Just a reminder to keep Recovery a postive and encouraging place. Please do not debate at all. God bless you!

 

[ZiSunka]

I agree. I started this thread because I need support as I deal with my BPD sister, not to get judged.

I'd just as soon have this thread closed if I'm going to have to suffer the bad moods of yet another person with BPD here.

I feel victimized in my own thread.

 

[ZiSunka]

 

[cypher000]

I too have destroyed many lives in the wake of my illness. It is not something I am proud of, but I do know that the destruction was not all my fault. Though many of my emotions were out of control, their responses were not of a calming nature, but rather added fuel to the fire of hell already burning inside. I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone. Perhaps your sister is different than I am. My family hates me, and yet I still love them and would give my very life if they were in need. They would not cross the street to give me a drink of water if I were thirsty...

I have long passed my need to be angry or maybe I'm just too tired and I'm sorry to have brought out feelings of resentment here.

I have found my peace as Jesus directs my life for me now. My life is His completely; I am no longer of this world and would not trade my life with anyone...

 

[ZiSunka]

As I have said already, I love my sister very much, and have shown her love all my life. I have been accepting to a fault, and that's not good for her. Holding her to behaving appropriately isn't shutting her out of my life, unless she wants that. Two days ago I apologized for hurting her. She informed me that she can never forgive me and that if she ever can, she'll let me know. I let her know that I forgive her anyway, and she emailed me to tell me that she doesn't need forgiving, and I should stay the hell out of her life.

She wants to have complete control over our relationship, and for years, I let her have it. She would call, download at me for an hour, then when I would want to tell her something about my life, she would tell me she had to go and hang up. She never cared one iota about me, she just wanted to use me as an ear that would listen to all her bitter complaints about everyone else. I don't think my sister could tell you anything about me at all, not my favorite color, the name of even one of my friends, what my favorite meal is, nothing. I'm just her whipping boy. She only has contact with me when she needs something. The only time she even visits me is when she's on her way somewhere else and she needs overnight accomodations. She doesn't even know where I work. She doesn't care. Self-centeredness is part of her illness. But it makes me feel like feces.

Maybe she doesn't intend to hurt me, but the fact is, she is only happy when there is chaos all around her. Making everyone else crazy makes her feel calm and in control. It's part of her illness.

I'd be thrilled to death if my sister snapped out of her funk and wanted to have a relationship with me again. I have been all out of sorts since this latest episode started. I have been through this with her before, and I have always tried very hard to make her like me again. But that's a mistake, because it gives her too much power it hurt me again later.

If she's true to her past episodes, she will next accuse me of trying to have an affair with her husband, then she'll get mad at him and call me crying because she's sorry she made the accusation. We've done this a dozen times throughout our adult lives.

For me to be sick of it isn't mean. It's self-preservation.

And I wish you would stop making accusations against me.