I Need Support

[Antari]

For the past year, I have been holding on, trying to keep myself from going downhill, but it gets worse and worse daily. I have begun to slip, and I guess I always knew I'd eventually give out, but still... I'm scared.

Every day, something pops into my head (usually worry that I'll lose my personality, or that my friends no longer love me, just random, non-existent things), and stresses me. Sometimes, I can't shake this, and it grows. Today, I lost it.

I was at work, in the back, and I felt it coming on. I went to the office and hugged Lizzy (It makes me feel loved, which sometimes calms the approaching panis attack), then called my mom and asked her if I could be hospitalized if I were to lose control. She agreed, and I told her that I felt I couldn't last much longer.

I went over to the counter, and leaned forward, putting my head on the counter, and felt constant thought, and building stress in my head. It felt like my head was filling up, and getting close to bursting. My hands began to shake, and my mood swung into one of anger and panic. I started mumbling to myself, groaning, and hitting the counter. Dennis, who's ticked at me, came up later and started making little comments and taunting me. I told him to leave me alone, that I might not be able to control myself. He laughed, which, in the state which I was in, provoked me intensely. I grabbed a metal object, and tensed up, barely keeping myself from shoving it in his face, and then calmed. He then laughed again, and I took a box, threw it into the wall, threw my hat on the ground, glared at him, and busted a cup after slamming my fist into the table. Then I banged my head on the counter-top, and said "I can't take it anymore, I'm sick of this daily **** I go through. I might do anything, just get away from me!" Right then, the bagger asked for some nuggets, and Dennis said "Don't worry about that, I'll get it. I'm sorry, man." I scared him.

I went back to the office, and Lizzy hugged me, then played with my hair, which always relaxes me. I felt comforted, but as always, a lingering sense of "what if I lose everything?" hovered over me. What if I can't be funny anymore? What if Lizzy doesn't like me someday? What if my mom dies? What if I get fired for some reason? What if? And the biggest question... what if I totally lose it to this strange thing inside me one day, and attack someone, or worse? I really felt capable of slamming that fry-scoop into Dennis today, and it scared me. I also felt so capable of just becoming a theif. I decided that if I were to find myself doing that, and losing control, that I'd shock myself with my stun gun until I passed out. I gave one to Liz, and asked her to keep a hold of it, just in case. I also wrote a note to the police, and stuck it in my wallet, so they can read it if I snap.

It's scary... I don't know myself, it's like there's someone else in here with me... I'm so scared, people, I just, I'm afraid I'll hurt the ones I love.

Help.

 

[always_hope]

I wish I had something really wise or profound to say, but what I can do is pray. And I am praying for you right now.

God bless,
Hope

 

[The-Doctor]

I had a similar problem with the "what ifs" I worried about things that had not yet happened and were unlikely to do so. In terms of "losing it all" my therapist stated to draw a pyramid, at the top is a place where you are safe and happy and have no fear and at the bottom the loss of every thing. Now work out where you are on that pyramid based on things like do I have a home, do I have a job, do I have a family who love me, Am I safe. You will find you are someway up the pyramid. To fall all the way down to the bottom would take a lot. You may slip sideways or slightly down but not all the way.

I also find reasoning through the thing I fear helps me to calm down.

Okay what if this or that happens?

How will it happen ?...what evidence do I have that it will happen that way?

Is it likely to happen that way? What evidence do I have to suggest it will happen that way?

Its almost like having my therapist there asking me. The process makes me stop the initial panic and calms me down. So far none of the things I feared have actually come to pass.

 

[prettynpink1968]

I am so sorry you feel this way. I think maybe it is time you got some help. Maybe a therapist or talking to your pastor at church. Also meds might help you alot. You really don't have to live this way.......

 

[Antari]

Thanks, it helps to know people are there.

I didn't have a panic attack today, but I came close. The bad thing about my panic attacks is that they come with extreme anger, violent impulses, followed by tears, and after the attack is over, lack of care for anything in the world, as well as an extremely impulsive personality. I felt like I could murder, rape, steal, or just destroy anything around me the other day following my attack. I felt like I just wanted to self-destruct on everything around me, that they'd all go down with me. It took me 4 hours to return to my much less impulsive and irrational self.

If this happens again, I'll call the police on myself. I found myself fighting the urge that night, to go back and attack an employee I know, as well as attacking Dennis. I stopped myself midway to the other side of the mall (I close at our place, then walk to the other side of the mall externally, since it's the only part that's open then), I stopped, and struggled to stop myself from turning around. I turned around, walked about 20 feet, then turned around again, and ran. I was about to let my chaotic mind unleash itself on an innocent person I knew from work who was getting into her car at the time. I sent her a message later, telling her I love her, and that I appreciate her caring about me. But still... why would I seek to harm someone I care about? Why did I fight something not of me? What IS going on in my head? Why do I like the sight of blood? And why do screams of pain seem so beautiful to me? These are all questions I ask when my mind breaks and panic sets in, because I desire such horrid things at those times. It's as if I'm possessed, because right now, and all of the time besides during an attack, I'd never want to hurt someone, never want to steal, never want to see blood spill... but it's like I change.

Who am I? In that note I wrote to the police, I asked them to help me, and if I can't be helped, to be killed. I'm scared of this. I'm scared of thought. I'm scared of people. I'm scared of waking up. I'm just so scared.It's all so cluttered inside, and as I try to search for the thing under the mess, I seem to fall in. Oh my God, something needs to change here. I'm one more attack from breaking down completely.

This makes me wonder... if there's a monster in me that could be unleashed if I lose my mind, then how many criminals are really nice people who have simply suffered something like I have? There's something evil living in me, and it's not me, it's not the least bit like me... but I could be eaten alive by it, and it could come upon my friends, and those I love.

I could become a monster.

I could do anything if I lose it again.

I love my mom, I love Amanda, I love my friends, I love everyone, but... I hate everything sometimes. So much confusion, so much anger, so many grudges. Why did the world have to fall on me? Why did they have to say those things? Why did I spend 6 years alone? Why did my parents neglect me? Why did I have to be rejected then? Why did the world do this to me, and why exactly can't I get the world back for it. When it comes down to it, the whole world, and everyone in it, needs to suffer for one thing or another. Why can't they just suffer? Those evil kids, those disgusting examples on tv, those worthless pieces of trash we call stars. STOP DOING THIS TO US! STOP SHOVING IT IN MY FACE. Go drown in the ocean with the rest of your disgusting kind, and stop doing this to me constantly. I didn't deserve it, I couldn't help it, this was just the way I was. Leave me alone.

I just want to hug Amanda again, and tell her I love her. I just want to live a peaceful life with my wife, writing poetry, painting, and having a lot of traveling experiences with lots of beautiful photos. I want to form some kind of organization that could help people cope with things better, or run a nice Christian school where kids are raised by their parents AND their schools (schools do more raising than you think, as schools did this to me) raise them to be pure. I'm sick of the suffering of the world, the pain around us all, and seeing people hurt. I want everyone to feel as loved as they are. And most of all, I want my mom to finally be able to live a nice, peaceful life without the painful memories she has. I want everyone to just be happy for once. We don't need the violence.

Ugh.

 

[always_hope]

Your last paragraph was really touching. I think it's lovely that you have such desires to create peace in this world and helping people. Is there any way that you can focus on that when you are panicking? It sounds like God has given you a wonderful soul beneath the pain, and you can be proud of that and know you have so much good inside.

Prayerfully,
Hope

 

[Daughter of His]

Der Antari,

I'm sad you have to go through this, but you can go through and overcome. I can't think of any reason why you would delay speaking with a trained professional who is accustomed to diagnosing and treating such difficulties. You are not the only one! They can most likely give you either a medication or teach you relaxation techniques to help you control your anger if you should feel it coming on again. Please tell your Mom, so you can get assistance so as to avoid any further attacks, don't wait please. Also, pray, tell God everything, every deatail and ask for His peace. I will pray for you too. God wants you well, so do I so you can lead the peaceful, full life God has intended for you.

In Christ's love

 

[always_hope]

How are things going by now?

 

[Maja]

Hi Antari,

Thank you for sharing some of your deepest private feelings. Reaching out is so important. We who have anxiety disorders carry such a huge burden of fear and lonliness inside. I have called it my own private hell. One thing I found was that the fear of "what if" is one of the very devestating aspects of this illness. I can understand many of your feelings. I went to my doctor and also went to therapy. All the thoughts and feelings that I was afraid to share, were all things the therapist was familiar with. She helped me so much to get control of my fears and I am now enjoying life so much more. Antari, I hope and pray that you will talk to your Mom, and get in to see your doctor or a therapist. You can get through this! It may seem impossible right now, but I know you can do it. I'm a mom with 4 grown children. They have come to me with lots of difficult things. Mom's love their kids and really do want to know when you need help.........with anything! It doesn't matter what..........Mom's are always there, and it may help her to understand better. It would be a gift to her if you talked to her.
God bless you!
Please email me anytime 24/7!!!

Maja

 

[Antari]

Hi Antari,

Thank you for sharing some of your deepest private feelings. Reaching out is so important. We who have anxiety disorders carry such a huge burden of fear and lonliness inside. I have called it my own private hell. One thing I found was that the fear of "what if" is one of the very devestating aspects of this illness. I can understand many of your feelings. I went to my doctor and also went to therapy. All the thoughts and feelings that I was afraid to share, were all things the therapist was familiar with. She helped me so much to get control of my fears and I am now enjoying life so much more. Antari, I hope and pray that you will talk to your Mom, and get in to see your doctor or a therapist. You can get through this! It may seem impossible right now, but I know you can do it. I'm a mom with 4 grown children. They have come to me with lots of difficult things. Mom's love their kids and really do want to know when you need help.........with anything! It doesn't matter what..........Mom's are always there, and it may help her to understand better. It would be a gift to her if you talked to her.
God bless you!
Please email me anytime 24/7!!!

Maja

Thank you for sharing that. One of the most excruciating parts of being mentally ill is trying to share your feelings with people, everyday people who are naive of the thought of a terror living within your own mind.

Hearing from people who know what it's like really helps, and hearing that people can recover, that they can survive this, it helps so much. Thank you.

My condition has worsened recently, but I have gone to a psychologist, and getting set up with that. Hopefully, I can recover, and have a normal mind, with normal emotions, and maybe even enjoy a day. One day without exhausting struggles within and pain would be a treasure to me.

 

[always_hope]

I will pray for your recovery. May God bless you from head to toe.

Hope

 

[HunterJG]

Hey Antari
I've had some issues with panic and "what if's" in my life, but not anything close to what you are experiencing. I just needed to share the following with you and I really hope it helps in some way.

Firstly I have to share my new favourite verse with you. 2 Tim. 1:7 says: "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control."

This has helped me so much lately. God has given me a spirit of calm and a well-balanced mind. If I don't feel calm in my spirit it is not from God and is then very possibly an attack from the enemy.

Which brings me to my second point. There is a book by Joyce Meyer called Battlefield of the Mind. Try to get it and read it. It is all about how the devil builds strongholds in our minds over long periods of time and how we, with the grace of God, can fight this battle in our minds.

To finish: We serve a God of miracles and impossibilities. If we pray to Him in faith He will give us what we ask. There are lots of people in this forum that is praying or will pray for you. I believe God will respond.

I'll pray for you. Never give up. Always trust God.

 

[Latino]

Hi Antari. You are not alone in this. I know the pain you are going through. Only those who go through it themselves can know what it feels like when "your own brain" is your worst enemy.

I shall pray for you! God bless

 

[Daughter of His]

Antari, you're still being prayed for.

 

[always_hope]

That's right! I am praying for you too.