I need some perspective

[Brotherfromanothermother]

Let me start by saying although there are many facts......I am speaking from my own opinion. We are both believers.
My wife (we are still legally married) and I are separated.
Up until she moved back to her hometown we had not been separated and had been living together in the same home somewhat normally.
When she moved back to her home town (with the kids), where most of her family also live she decided she didn't want me in her life any longer.
So we were separated for a couple of years and she was dead set against reconciliation.
I was living in another state with a decent job, sending her money and traveling several times a year to see the kids. Not ideal but it worked ok.
I contacted her pastor who tried to broker a reconciliation plan between she and I. He stated that I should move to her home town and we should
"work on it" with his assistance. (that part never panned out) We lived together for about 18 months trying to work on things.
There were some moments of intimacy etc.
Then she stated that in her opinion we were unable to work things out and she felt we should pursue divorce. (not the first time it had been discussed)
I had already been sleeping on the couch for over 6 months so I was already fed up a bit. (while I was out of town she disassembled our queen size bed and had started sleeping on a twin bed) She stated that it would be a long time if ever that we slept in the same bed again. The message was pretty clear.
I had prayed (ongoing) about the situation and she said she had been too but she felt that God didn't want us living this way with our children seeing what was going on and she felt we would be better examples not being married.
All that said ..... I find myself angry and perplexed at her statements of "this hurts me too you know" "I didn't plan this 10 years ago or even 1 year ago"
Where I need perspective is... she continues to pursue divorce (particularly the child support aspect) yet cries ( I've always felt she used tears to manipulate) or mentions how much she's hurt and disappointed (apparently by her own decision) but continues on this path. Can it be both ways? Can one truly be "hurt" (as a victim) yet by choice pursue the path of divorce.
There is certainly no Biblical merit to the choice. There was no ongoing sin (on my part - I can't necessarily speak for her) No adultery or abuse of any kind. We had money issues (always) and had trouble "connecting" but I was mostly always willing to try.
Intimacy was a real issue too. (for her)
I just can't seem to grasp it. She wants us to "be friends" through this process and not be petty "cause it hurt's enough already"
She didn't try (and never referred to me as one) to be a friend while together. She referred to others as her "friend" or "best friends" but never me.
Yes I've left out a ton of details.... some might clarify some not.
Any advice? Reconciliation is NOT an option at this point.

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

Mate its your choice.
I'm in a similar place, but the route tissue was that she never loved me. Is there any similar resolution that you have come to? You mention lack of intimacy, so it may be that I guess. My wife and I were killing each other, she cant be anything other than selfish at the moment - needs to be - so I have the 4 kids and she visits frequently.

Once I realised she never loved me, I moved on. As did she. We are not created to sustain grief over long drawn out periods. And what you describe seems to be quite an intense grieving period with little resolve and shifting boundaries.

So I pray for peace and resolve. Not a lot else I can say.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

It can be both ways. From my experience, and this is not to compare yours but just say that it is possible, my husband did some things that I'll just say I didn't agree with. He spoke of divorce and I agreed to it. Now he wants to work it out and as badly as I don't want to be divorced I know I have to do what is right for my daughter and myself and that would be to become as far from my husband as possible. I still hurt, I still love him, I still pray for him everyday, but I know ultimately that I could never make him happy and I could really hurt myself. For these reasons I must follow through with the divorce. Hope that helps some. Will be thinking and praying for you.