I need some input...parenting issue

[ZooMom]

Ok. I'm pretty steamed right now. I'm trying to keep my cool and I need to know if I am just wrong or overreacting or what.

My son Corry wears glasses. He is usually very good about wearing them and remembering to take them to school. This week, however, he has forgotten them three times, even though I remind him in the mornings and they are kept in the same place they always are. He calls me from school to tell me he forgot and to have me bring them to him. I have done that twice already this week. Made a special trip back to the school. when I reminded him about his glasses this morning, I told him I would not make the trip again this week, and if he left them he would just have to do without. Well, he left them. He called his grandmother, my mother, to tell her he forgot them and that he needed them. She called me, I explained what had been happening and my decision on it. She just came to my house, asked for the glasses, and left, barely speaking to me and being very cold and disapproving. It was apparent that she felt I was not being a 'good' parent by not taking the glasses myself. I am furious! And she is my mother! I have never, aside from teenage stupidity, shown her anything other than respect. I endure the helpful advice and subtle criticisms, because I know she means well. And now she treats me as if I am an irresponsible child, instead of a parent trying to instill a sense of responsibility in her own child! I was too stunned, and the respect I have for my mother is too ingrained, for me to even have thought to refuse to give her the glasses. And now what do I do? Was I wrong for not taking the glasses to my son? Am I wrong for being angry and hurt?

 

[ZooMom]

How about just a hug?

 

[Dream]

You certaintly do not need to make a special trip to bring your son's glasses to school. He has to learn how to be responsible and he'll never learn if somebody else is always doing something for him.

As far as your mother goes, I really don't know exactlly how your realationship is with her, but the best advice I can give you is to sit down and talk with her. That usually works.

Probablly the best way to handle the situation is to come up with a creative way for your son to remember his glasses. I'm sure you can come up with something, like putting a post-it note on the door so he'll always see it right before he walks out.

It sounds to me, your biggest conflict right now is with your mother, not with your son. Talk with her and get that worked out now; it will only get worse if you just let this slip by.

 

[Carrye]

How about just a hug?

Keep being a good Mom, Sandy.

 

[Maggie893]

Here you go ZooMom!


How old is your son?

 

[Miss Shelby]

Oh ZooMom....

I would be upset too.

YOU are his mother.

Michelle

 

[ZooMom]

You certaintly do not need to make a special trip to bring your son's glasses to school. He has to learn how to be responsible and he'll never learn if somebody else is always doing something for him.

Which was exactly what I was trying to accomplish.

As far as your mother goes, I really don't know exactlly how your realationship is with her, but the best advice I can give you is to sit down and talk with her. That usually works.

I would say that we have a good relationship. However, I can't simply talk to her as a friend. She is my mother. We are both very strong-minded independent individuals, but I do not challenge her. I listen to her, I give due consideration to her suggestions, and then I act according to my own best judgement. I do not confront her, or argue with her, because we both have explosive tempers, and I don't want things to be said that can't be taken back. She is capable of holding a grudge for a very long time, and I have no wish to alienate her.

Probablly the best way to handle the situation is to come up with a creative way for your son to remember his glasses. I'm sure you can come up with something, like putting a post-it note on the door so he'll always see it right before he walks out.

We have a small shelf, about eye level to him, hanging on the wall right next to the front door. That's where his glasses go right before bed (as it is also next to the stairs that lead to his bedroom), and that is where they are when he gets up. We put it there just for that purpose, because he was leaving his glasses laying around everywhere, and after he 'lost' the third pair we had to do something.

It sounds to me, your biggest conflict right now is with your mother, not with your son. Talk with her and get that worked out now; it will only get worse if you just let this slip by.

You are right. My conflict is entirely with my mother. But I know her temperament and I don't know how to approach her with out causing an estrangement. If it comes down to it, I will, though it will break my heart, because I cannot allow her to undermine my authority with my children this way.

Thanks, DT. Oh...and you forgot my hug.


Peace be with you!

Sandy

 

[ZooMom]

Thank you Carrie, Maggie, and Michelle. I love you guys.

Maggie, my son is eleven years old.

 

[Miss Shelby]

Sandy have you ever read any 'Love and Logic'.

They're parenting books and I cannot think of the name of the authors but this would be a classic example of something they would use as letting the child suffer the consequenes to learn how to be responsible.

Michele

 

[AMDG]

You'd get more than a if it was up to me. You are doing your job--teaching your child responsibility--and "tough love" is needed sometimes to do just that! Thing is, your way of doing things is obviously different from the way your Mom does things. Add in the fact that mothers seem to know just what of our buttons to push to make us feel like that awkward 12-year old who doesn't know enough to "come out of the rain" all the while being disapproving of our child-rearing skills. (And it seems that "junior" has picked up on this--Mama not at his "beck and call", no matter, call Grandma--she'll put Mama in her place and the result is that "junior" has his own way! He doesn't care--or doesn't think far enough ahead--if there is stress put on the adult Mother and her Mom.)

Stick to your guns--you ARE the mother and responsible for your child growing up to be a responsible adult.

Oh and, may I add a few more . You need it.

 

[ZooMom]

No, I haven't heard of that. Corry has ADHD, and because of that we have to be much more repetitive with him than we do with the other children. He has a really hard time putting action and consequence together, so we have to be rigidly consistent in enforcing consequences with him. My mom knows this, that's why I am so stunned that she would do this to me.

 

[Abba]

I dont know but Id say you are being a great mother. This same situation has happened many times in my own family, between me and my sisters, and sometimes ive driven my parents up the wall. I think its really important to let Corry know, by any means necesary, that if you set down a rule for him, then he cannot turn to other people to get out of the consequences. The question is whether the relationship with your own mother is more important than remaining an authoritative figure to your children. I would say try not to argue with her, just calmly explain to her why you wouldnt drive to the school to give corry his glasses. If she doesnt understand, then its not your fault. As ive said before, corry needs to learn that you are the ultimate authority. Its not for me to decide, but if I was in a situation like this, Id use punishment to teach him that he cant use others to overrule your descision. I can tell that you are a really great person because of the respect you show your parents too.

God bless you!
Charlie

 

[ZooMom]

You'd get more than a if it was up to me. You are doing your job--teaching your child responsibility--and "tough love" is needed sometimes to do just that! Thing is, your way of doing things is obviously different from the way your Mom does things. Add in the fact that mothers seem to know just what of our buttons to push to make us feel like that awkward 12-year old who doesn't know enough to "come out of the rain" all the while being disapproving of our child-rearing skills. (And it seems that "junior" has picked up on this--Mama not at his "beck and call", no matter, call Grandma--she'll put Mama in her place and the result is that "junior" has his own way! He doesn't care--or doesn't think far enough ahead--if there is stress put on the adult Mother and her Mom.)

You are right. All the kids do this to a point, and up to that point I don't mind, because I feel that as a grandparent she is entitled to spoil them a bit. But I think she has crossed the line this time, and deliberately undermined my authority.

Stick to your guns--you ARE the mother and responsible for your child growing up to be a responsible adult.

Oh and, may I add a few more . You need it.

Thanks.

 

[Miss Shelby]

No, I haven't heard of that. Corry has ADHD, and because of that we have to be much more repetitive with him than we do with the other children. He has a really hard time putting action and consequence together, so we have to be rigidly consistent in enforcing consequences with him. My mom knows this, that's why I am so stunned that she would do this to me.

ahhh... I'm sorry. What a predicament. I really really see now why you're upset.

 

[ZooMom]

I dont know but Id say you are being a great mother. This same situation has happened many times in my own family, between me and my sisters, and sometimes ive driven my parents up the wall. I think its really important to let Corry know, by any means necesary, that if you set down a rule for him, then he cannot turn to other people to get out of the consequences. The question is whether the relationship with your own mother is more important than remaining an authoritative figure to your children. I would say try not to argue with her, just calmly explain to her why you wouldnt drive to the school to give corry his glasses. If she doesnt understand, then its not your fault. As ive said before, corry needs to learn that you are the ultimate authority. Its not for me to decide, but if I was in a situation like this, Id use punishment to teach him that he cant use others to overrule your descision. I can tell that you are a really great person because of the respect you show your parents too.

God bless you!
Charlie

Thank you, Charlie. I hope my own kids are as wise at fifteen.

Peace be with you!

 

[Dream]

Thanks, DT. Oh...and you forgot my hug.

 

[Maggie893]

Maggie, my son is eleven years old.

Sounds to me like he's being a typical 11 year old and if you add adhd to it you'll have to have a lot of patience for many years to come. It's definitely a case of you needing to converse with your mom and make sure she understands your intent. A parent needs to be sure that No means No all the time, not sometimes especially where the lesson must be repeated as in the case of ADHD. You might want to call her and just tell her you appreciate her concern and her willingness to go out of the way for your son but you'll need to ask her to refrain in the future until he gets a little older and is making better decisions. Then if it's just a mistake she can step in to help. She may not agree with you but you will have put her in the position of having to defend her future actions, which she will see as in direct conflict with your desire or she'll need to comply. Either way if you respect her in the conversation and recognize her love and commitment to your family she will still feel validated even if you don't want her to repeat those actions.

You're doing fine!

 

[krstlros]

Before I make a reply I think you really need this:




It is said a person needs at least 10 hugs a day to remain healthy. I figure I'd give you ten now, and everyone else can add in as they see fit.

 

[ZooMom]

Thanks, Maggie. I think that may be the way to go. I'm going to wait a little while to let both of us cool off, though. If I try to do it now, she'll just be offended and angry and I'll just be emotional. Gives my stomach the jitters just thinking about it, but it has to be done. *sigh*

Please pray for me and my mom, everyone.

 

[ZooMom]

Before I make a reply I think you really need this:




It is said a person needs at least 10 hugs a day to remain healthy. I figure I'd give you ten now, and everyone else can add in as they see fit.

LOL! See, I can't even reply with any smilies without taking some of yours off. You Site Supporters are such show offs.

Thank you, krstlros. You are a sweetheart!