I need some help

[joeman1]

Being humbled I would have to agree with what you said about staying with your parents until he moves out. Just seeing eachother day in and day out would be a great temptation. Just make sure you tell him that it is only temporary and make sure he understands that. I pray that things will work out for you.

 

[Singin4Him]

First of all I do want to encourage you to do whatever it takes to stop living together. This a very dangerous sitution to put youselfs in emotionally. Living together is said to be more stressful than marriage, not only that but sadly 50% of people who live together before they are married end up apart either by breaking up or divorced. Not only that but 30%-40% of those are college students and only 1 in 5 of those actually get married. I'm a Psych major and I've done a lot of research on this issue. So as you see, this does not have any positive effects on relationships at all, as sad as it is. So that is the first advice I would like to give you.

Secondly, your relationship sounds so similar to a relationship I had when I was 18, we were very serious discussing marriage. He too felt God has told him we were to be married but I just wasn't sure yet. He never let me tell him when he did things that upset me because when I started he would say mean hurtful things to me and get very upset. He would sometimes use crying as a way to turn the tables and make me feel bad for being upset or hurt. To sum it up he was a very verbally abusive guy which eventually turned into some physical abuse. I would be very cautious when it comes to overlly emotional men, if a man disreguards your feelings at all even if they are irrational and refused to listen to you that is a RED FLAG. When a man tries to tell you that your missing what God is telling you which is what this guy is doing by telling you God has told him that you're going to get married when you do not know this yet, that is another HUGE RED FLAG. The man you are dating and especially considering marrying should build you up and encourage you to be the woman God has created you to be.

Lastly, I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with the theory that your immaturity is getting in the way of your relationship growing. I've done the whole internet relationship thing myself....twice and neither times did it work out. It was fine as long as we saw each other for a week or whatever in at a time but once we spent a great deal of time with each other, as in one case where a guy changed from a college in New England to a college in Texas where I was hoping to go things really changed. The guy was very sweet and we were good friends but he was not at all what he had seemed online or over our hour long phone conversations. I'm a pretty independent girl and I felt like I was playing more of the guy role and he was playing more of the woman's role. He was much more emotional than me and much more of a doormat than I ever come close to being. It just didn't work at all. The thing is about online relationships, it's SO EASY to make yourself sound so much better online and not on purpose but it's just natural to want to impress someone. Actions have to meet the words though, what they tell us has to meet the person that they are.

It may not be that you are ummature but you just don't know each other as well as you thought, I don't believe by spending weeks at a time together that you can know someone, of course during those visits things will be amazing because you are both on your best behavior. However, when you spend day in and day out with each other and see each other in ever season that is when you will know for sure who this person is and if they are meant for you, that is true even in dating people you've met in person to begin with. My husband and I would not have married each other if we did not see each other in every season of life and if we did not both have complete confirmation from the Lord that we were meant to be together. Relationships are tough but sometimes our choices make them so much tougher. I would love to talk with you sometime, feel free to PM me. It really sounds like we have a lot in common, I've been there and I know how you feel. It's really confusing and hard to know what to do from here.

 

[Being Humbled]

joeman -- I'm going to talk with him about this tonight after I'm finished working out at the gym. Thank you for your prayers!! They are very much appreciated and needed!

Singin4Him -- The statistics that you gave me hit me hard. That's a very big percentage! Parts of your relationship sound like what is going on, but not all parts you described. I'm not sure what to say about everything you've written. I feel like we are taking the correct steps in the relationship by being just friends, and working on our individual lives and walks with God. I know that once we are not living together that it will be easier for God to work, and I am going to talk with him about that tonight. Actually - he just asked me what I'm reading about and writing, and if I want to talk about it. So we're probably going to talk about it once I'm through writing this.

I would love to talk with you more about this also. I'll get your AIM screen name and IM you. I'm still thinking about everything you wrote...

Thank you

 

[Being Humbled]

Well, J is moving out this weekend, we think. (If the apartment complex allows him to move in.) He is having a hard time with us being just friends. I am still doing well with it, but it's hard to see him hurting. He was over-reacting a lot last night, and the entire night, he seemed to be depessed (it's the only way I know how to describe how he acts.) This is the 3rd time we've broken up, and actually, I'm always the one who is doing the breaking up with. The last time we broke up, it was for this exact same reason: That I need to work on my relationship with God. I need to be working daily at my walk with Him. I want to go ahead and make really good habits, and become a lot more matue with the way I handle things before I think about getting into a relationship with someone. For some reason, when I am with someone, I can't put all of my focus on God. I have a hard enough time doing it when I am single!!!

I'm feeling bad for J. I want him to be happy, and one of his concerns is that he doesn't have any friends here. But I am talking with some people from my church, and they are working on getting him into a men's small group. He also wants to have more time for himself so he can work on his writing. Now that he's working, he's having to get up earlier than he used to, and he doesn't have as much personal time. He feels as if he has to follow me around to where ever I go, but I told him, he doesn't. He said that will be easier once he gets his own place. Somehow we also got into the discussion of if we'd see one another every day, and I said that we wouldn't. He got really sad because he doesn't have anyone else to hang out with. Once he gets plugged into the men's small group though, hopefully God will bring him some amazing friends! Right now, I think God is working on J and his ability to rely fully on God. I think J is relying a too much on me and other people. I know that you need fellowship, but sometimes God wants you to be alone with him.

Do y'all have any suggestions on how I can make sure I am walking daily with Christ. There is a lot of stuff on my heart that I want to be working on, but I am sort of stuck and don't know where to start. If you can help, please do!! It's very much appreciated!!

 

[Being Humbled]

I'm feeling a bit... hurt, and very confused. A girl that J used to be CRAZY about just contacted him yesterday. I don't even know really how to feel about that happening. She lives here also, so yesterday after he told me she contacted him, I asked, "Do you think that's why God asked you to move here?" and he said, "I don't know." I guess it makes me feel wierd because just earlier this week he was CERTAIN that God was saying that we were going to get married. Then we break up (which I know pulls emotional strings, so I know he is being affected a lot by it), and this girl he was totally "IN LOVE" with contacts him, and he doesn't know if that is why God sent him here, to be with her instead of me.

Needless to say I was VERY quiet last night because, honestly, I wanted to cry. I mean, I know that God wants us to be apart right now so I can work on myself and my relationship with Him, so I guess I really have no say-so in this matter since I just broke up with him and we're just friends.

He had been praying about it yesterday, and he said "Okay, God told me what this is. It's just a test." That still didn't make me feel any better, which is what I think J was trying to do. Well... I'm going to go now... any help would be nice...

 

[joeman1]

I know probably comeing from me this probably doesn't mean much but if you truly love soemone you will let them go. It sounds to me that you truly do have feelings for this man. Maybe it wasn't so much to break things totally off but to live in seperate places. You know living together can create a lot of temptation and tension in a relationship. Well I guess thats enough from me.

 

[Being Humbled]

joeman

Maybe you're right. J has found an apartment, and should be moving in on Tuesday. He doesn't seem concerned with the fact that this other girl contacted him. I'm still not quite sure what to think. I do have feelings for him, and I do know that I need time to be able to refocus on what God has for me, and where God wants me to be... I'll let you know how it goes whenever J moves out. Thank you for your words.

 

[joeman1]

Yeah keep us updated I hope and pray that everything will work out.

 

[Being Humbled]

Well, J's moving out today. We are both really excited. A lot of things are going to change between us in this relationship. We aren't going to be seeing each other every day, we'll feel more independent from one another (I know he was feeling as if he HAD to follow me around all the time - Which WASN'T the case, lol. He has a car!! ) I'm really excited to see how things turn out. He'll have his own place, be making his own decisions, and I'll be back to having my own place, and making my own decisions! Sounds great to me! I think it will be harder than I think though with him being gone. I haven't had to worry about noise I hear in my apartment (I'm a scaredy cat!!), I don't have to worry about anythng while I'm walking the dogs late at night or early in the morning, but nothing has ever happened, and I need to be fearless of those things in the Lord, not in J.

I think I am going to be able to better work on me and God, which is why we split, when J is out of my apartment. I'm REALLY looking forward to being able to that!! I'll let y'all know how everything is coming along.

 

[Being Humbled]

Well, he's been out for a few days now, and it's going really well. Although, this weekend he was acting very depressed. I could barely stand to be around him - I hate to say that because I care about him, and I really wanted to help him feel better, but I couldn't do anything. I tried making him happy, but I'm not God. I feel like J should be turning to God for the kind of support and relational needs he is having right now. I really believe that is what God wants from him. He was trying to get hooked up into a small group for my churhc, but it didn't work out, and that is all the more reason I believe J needs to spend time ALONE with God! Not with people! God wans him all for Himself right now. I hope J realizes what he needs to do, so he can please God with his life, and so he'll become more happy and optimistic.

It's hard being around a pessimistic person who is down a lot of the time because I am typically a very bubbly, optimistic person! I am typically in a great mood, and it is hard to be around someone who is down, because it has a tendency to put me in a sad or bad mood. I don't like that. Is it bad of me to NOT want to hang around J when he's like that??

Well, I'm going to my dad's house right now. Then I have to go to work. I'll check this later today

 

[Being Humbled]

*bump*