I need some help on this! Please read!

[trinitygrace]

Okay, I'm 22-years-old. Will be 23 in like 6 weeks. I still live at home and work part-time and go to school full-time. I am recovering from a depression that has lasted 9 months. It was spurred on by the breakup of me and my finance'. Anyways, to get to the point, my mother has depression/bi-polar and she is driving me insane. She refuses to get treatment for it and is constantly screaming at me and my stepdad. She goes off at the littlest things. I think I need to get away. I'm at my wits end. I am back together with my ex and he is not helping either. Everytime I go to him for support, he just says for me not to take it so personal but that's just how my mom is. Do you think I should get my own place to remove myself from this horrible situation? I am currently receiving counseling (just began going to a Christian counselor, as opposed to one at the hospital) and I am on anti-Ds. The only place I can afford is public housing. I don't know what to do. I am a poor college student. I'm at my wits end. She's really driving me crazy. I have no where to turn. Please help by praying for me and posting some advice. Thank you! TrinityGrace

 

[Mskedi]

I know what it's like to live with a bipolar mom while depressed. I'll be honest -- my depression didn't start to lift until I moved out. I was 21 or 22 at the time and had been dealing with depression since I was about 14. My mom would cry and yell at random things, and then try to kill herself in the bathroom, but if I cried over anything, I was somehow an awful person. I've been there. The difference is, my mom was getting help. I can only imagine your situation.

I do wonder... if your ex-fiance is not being supportive of you, why exactly are you back with him? It's not a question I need an answer to, but it should be one you can answer easily and without excuses.

If you're going to be depressed and in a relationship, you need someone who can be both supportive and non-enabling, and it's a delicate balance. This guy may not be who you need right now, and that's something you'll have to at least think about. (On the other hand, he could be exactly who you need -- I don't know either of you, I just want to make sure you didn't go back for comfort or rebound issues).

You mentioned a Christian counselor. That's always a red flag for me. What is this person's education? What is his/her career history? If having someone Christian to talk to is important, I would, personally, go to a psychiatrist or psychologist who happens to be a Christian rather than a Christian counselor unless the counselor is properly certified. There are plenty of psychiatrists out there who are Christian (my SIL is one ). Unfortunately, a lot of the Christian counselors around here are no more qualified to help people with clinical depression than psychics are. Hopefully that is not the case with yours as I'm sure there are legitimate ones. I've had bad experiences, so I recognize that I have a bias.

As far as working part-time and going to school full-time -- can you up your work hours? I managed full-time school with more than full-time work and got out of my house that way, though I know that's not for everyone. Also, is financial aid available for you?

I'm just telling you what's coming to my mind... things to think about. I hope it at least helps you think about something that may help you.

 

[devotee]

Okay, I'm 22-years-old. Will be 23 in like 6 weeks. I still live at home and work part-time and go to school full-time. I am recovering from a depression that has lasted 9 months. It was spurred on by the breakup of me and my finance'. Anyways, to get to the point, my mother has depression/bi-polar and she is driving me insane. She refuses to get treatment for it and is constantly screaming at me and my stepdad. She goes off at the littlest things. I think I need to get away. I'm at my wits end. I am back together with my ex and he is not helping either. Everytime I go to him for support, he just says for me not to take it so personal but that's just how my mom is. Do you think I should get my own place to remove myself from this horrible situation? I am currently receiving counseling (just began going to a Christian counselor, as opposed to one at the hospital) and I am on anti-Ds. The only place I can afford is public housing. I don't know what to do. I am a poor college student. I'm at my wits end. She's really driving me crazy. I have no where to turn. Please help by praying for me and posting some advice. Thank you! TrinityGrace

I had a room mate that experienced bi-polar, and well she had to move out, into hospital for a wahile. It was very difficult to atch a person I cared about going through such pain, and taking it on me and others as well.

Are you able to share rent with someone/others at uni. It may take a couple of moves - maybe it could be temporary until you get your own place and then you can decide who moves out : )

Maybe your fiancee cannot deal with the emotional aspects of it all at this time - or ever, whichever, would it be a big deal if you had your own place and space? My partner can't listen to some of my stuff, its just all too much for him at this point in time, I know he cares in other ways that I need.

What are your options if you move out?
Waht are the negatives?
What would stay the same?

Hope this helps,

Charmayne

 

[trinitygrace]

I had a room mate that experienced bi-polar, and well she had to move out, into hospital for a wahile. It was very difficult to atch a person I cared about going through such pain, and taking it on me and others as well.

Are you able to share rent with someone/others at uni. It may take a couple of moves - maybe it could be temporary until you get your own place and then you can decide who moves out : )

Maybe your fiancee cannot deal with the emotional aspects of it all at this time - or ever, whichever, would it be a big deal if you had your own place and space? My partner can't listen to some of my stuff, its just all too much for him at this point in time, I know he cares in other ways that I need.

What are your options if you move out?
Waht are the negatives?
What would stay the same?

Hope this helps,

Charmayne

Yeah sometimes I think my boyfriend can't deal with all of my emotional baggage. We worked things out. I told him I really needed him to be there for me more. He says I get very defensive and he waits for me to cool down before he will try to talk to me. I guess that's true. But I really need him then, not later, you know?
Well I have no friends at the moment I could move in with. But I'll be on the lookout for some. I am going to call a local housing authority today to check out their rates on apartments and what I have to do to get one. I will be poor for a while. But at least I'll have some peace and peace of mind (hopefully!)

Love,TG

 

[Nachtjager]

Hey Trinity, luv your user id. Girl, don't let your mother's problems become an all-consuming problem for yourself. I have relatives who are bi-polar and have had some anxiety/depression issues myself in years past. If she will not help herself, then it's up to your stepdad to step up and do something about it - not you. If he won't, or is scared to, that's his problem, not yours. You're quite right, when you're cooped up in a house with someone who's completely irrational, it will wear you down mentally and spiritually, and in the long run, it's doing damage to you as well. Get away! Short of shacking up, get out of that house! If you're in college, rest assured, there are other poor girls out there too and they're just as desperate for a place to stay. If you don't have any friends offhand, place a free add in the college paper or some thirfty nickel type thing looking for a room mate. Granted, that's a roll of the dice as well, but hey, if things are that bad, how much worse could it be to move in with a stranger? God will look out for you Trinity, rest assured of that and don't stress about it. As for your used-to-be and now back guy, as a guy myself, that boy needs to be extremely supportive. If he's not, trust me, there are others out there who will be. NEVER settle for less than your ideal. There is a very old truism for relationships and everything else in life; "those who refuse to accept anything less than perfection often get it." Will pray for you girl, but I'd put some distance between yourself and all chaos as soon as possible, and you'll be amazed at how sweet life can be! Take care and God bless!

 

[goldenviolet]

God bless you sweetheart. *prayers & blessings*

 

[newyorknewyork]

get out. live with someone else so the rent is cheaper than living by yourself.

if she isn't going to change, get out of there.

i lived with a nutcase 4 years and it eventually will destroy you if u don't get out

 

[devotee]

I had a room mate that experienced bi-polar, and well she had to move out, into hospital for a wahile. It was very difficult to atch a person I cared about going through such pain, and taking it on me and others as well.

Are you able to share rent with someone/others at uni. It may take a couple of moves - maybe it could be temporary until you get your own place and then you can decide who moves out : )

Maybe your fiancee cannot deal with the emotional aspects of it all at this time - or ever, whichever, would it be a big deal if you had your own place and space? My partner can't listen to some of my stuff, its just all too much for him at this point in time, I know he cares in other ways that I need.

What are your options if you move out?
Waht are the negatives?
What would stay the same?

Hope this helps,

Charmayne

Sometimes others just can't be there, epecially the one's we are close to. Its hard, but it helps us to realise we are responsible for how we feel and act, and that we can work through something. It's probably not what you want to hear...

And all the best with the you're moving house. I am very poor (financially) but its helped me be less materialistic, I prioritise better, I take care of myself better, and I have my own space to potter around in.

 

[Frangible]

Can you get student loans or Pell Grants? If you don't live in the dorms you should be able to rent a room (look in your local classifieds) with other student(s) for a pretty cheap rate. Around here rooms for rent go for $250-$400/mo or so. roommates.com also has a listing of some.

 

[Arkanin]

I don't normally post on this forum and I don't think I've shared this on the forum before, but your situation is pretty much exactly like mine, so let me explain what I have dealt with and what has helped.

I actually have a bipolar mom that I have to live with some of the time and I've been in a similar situation. I have been severely to slightly depressed since I was about 13. When I moved out to go to school, things had steadily gotten better over those last few years. The truth is just that not being around her made things a lot better for me. When I visit my folks for the summer, she steadily starts driving me nuts again, because I just can't put up with her aggression and hypocrisy without it chipping away at me. Truthfully, if I had to be around her all year, I would be a lot worse off, and I didn't learn that until I got some space from my bipolar mom. Several times, I had talked about trying to get a loan so I could pay my own way or join the army, and my dad was good with this, but my mom flipped out and told me I was throwing my life away, that I was trying to punish her and that she wouldn't ever forget about it.

This is why I understand why there's that whole extra obstacle to independence, which is that you will probably be punished for trying not being dependent on her. I understand why this is such an impossible situation because I am still a poor college student, too. I think, though, that what many people may not realize is that more important than moving out is cutting off your financial dependence on her so that she can't excercise that power over you. Also, if your mom is like mine, you would have to go through huge flak for being more independent on top of all the baffling financial logistics. I just got mad one day and made some adjustments to my life.

About your boyfriend, that rings a bell for me too. If he just doesn't understand, you may end up feeling used or hurt. I was more or less misunderstood by various women for a long time in my life. The thing about being depressed is that you're insecure and don't realize that you deserve and can have better. Again, things didn't get better until I cut it off. But being depressed and feeling mistreated from every which way, you're probably also feeling dependent on the people that are there in any way. This is totally understandable but also interferes with your ability to start feeling better.

Do you have a friend that you can rely on? I mean, not hang out with and do things with, but really communicate with about your views on the world, what you want out of life, so on and so forth? And I say a friend because it seems to me at our age that when you remove sex / romance from the picture, especially if you've been hurt, suddenly a friendship can be more transparent.

Anyway, these are the things that have helped me, and I sure wish you luck because I know how hard it is! I think that a person's character isn't measured by how hard they are to knock down, but by the kinds of falls they are able to get back up from.

In Christ,

John

p.s.: There are no doubt great things about you that your own depression will conceal. I myself have some amazing talents that I never realized I had until I became less depressed. The moral of the story is this: I hope the day will come when you will realize that you were wrong every time you told yourself you weren't good for much. I think god can pull that sort of thing off.

 

[trinitygrace]

I don't normally post on this forum and I don't think I've shared this on the forum before, but your situation is pretty much exactly like mine, so let me explain what I have dealt with and what has helped.

I actually have a bipolar mom that I have to live with some of the time and I've been in a similar situation. I have been severely to slightly depressed since I was about 13. When I moved out to go to school, things had steadily gotten better over those last few years. The truth is just that not being around her made things a lot better for me. When I visit my folks for the summer, she steadily starts driving me nuts again, because I just can't put up with her aggression and hypocrisy without it chipping away at me. Truthfully, if I had to be around her all year, I would be a lot worse off, and I didn't learn that until I got some space from my bipolar mom. Several times, I had talked about trying to get a loan so I could pay my own way or join the army, and my dad was good with this, but my mom flipped out and told me I was throwing my life away, that I was trying to punish her and that she wouldn't ever forget about it.

This is why I understand why there's that whole extra obstacle to independence, which is that you will probably be punished for trying not being dependent on her. I understand why this is such an impossible situation because I am still a poor college student, too. I think, though, that what many people may not realize is that more important than moving out is cutting off your financial dependence on her so that she can't excercise that power over you. Also, if your mom is like mine, you would have to go through huge flak for being more independent on top of all the baffling financial logistics. I just got mad one day and made some adjustments to my life.

About your boyfriend, that rings a bell for me too. If he just doesn't understand, you may end up feeling used or hurt. I was more or less misunderstood by various women for a long time in my life. The thing about being depressed is that you're insecure and don't realize that you deserve and can have better. Again, things didn't get better until I cut it off. But being depressed and feeling mistreated from every which way, you're probably also feeling dependent on the people that are there in any way. This is totally understandable but also interferes with your ability to start feeling better.

Do you have a friend that you can rely on? I mean, not hang out with and do things with, but really communicate with about your views on the world, what you want out of life, so on and so forth? And I say a friend because it seems to me at our age that when you remove sex / romance from the picture, especially if you've been hurt, suddenly a friendship can be more transparent.

Anyway, these are the things that have helped me, and I sure wish you luck because I know how hard it is! I think that a person's character isn't measured by how hard they are to knock down, but by the kinds of falls they are able to get back up from.

In Christ,

John

p.s.: There are no doubt great things about you that your own depression will conceal. I myself have some amazing talents that I never realized I had until I became less depressed. The moral of the story is this: I hope the day will come when you will realize that you were wrong every time you told yourself you weren't good for much. I think god can pull that sort of thing off.

Thank you Arkanin. I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me. It helps to know that there are others my age going through the same crap I'm going through. I don't know what I could do without my friends. I have two best friends, one is my cousin and the other is like a sister to me. They are both a couple years older than me and I tell them everything. They are really helping me through this situation with their great advice and prayers. The both think it would be better for me to move out. My boyfriend thinks I should just stick it out. He doesn't understand what I go through. Even when I stay away from the house all day and don't see my mom, I still hear the way she treats my stepdad. I still hear her screaming and yelling or complaining about something.

Plus, when my boyfriend and I get into fights, where I should leave, where I am gonna go? I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Thanks for your advice. Please continue to pray for me.

God Bless,
Trinity

 

[Mayflower1]

I'll pray for you Trinity... Hang in there, that is the only advice I know on this... Lily00

 

[Rhylla]

for sure i'll pray for you.
Probably can't add anything to what others have said, apart from the fact that if you move out it will give you those moments of peace that you probably need to recharge your batteries to cope with what seems like a busy life!

-Rhylla-

 

[trinitygrace]

for sure i'll pray for you.
Probably can't add anything to what others have said, apart from the fact that if you move out it will give you those moments of peace that you probably need to recharge your batteries to cope with what seems like a busy life!

-Rhylla-

Rhylla, Yeah I know exactly what you mean. I am really focusing on moving out right now and finding a female roommate. Please pray for me that I'll find one who is reliable and trustworthy. I really need one to help me pay the rent. I don't think I can do it on my own. Thanks for your continued prayers.

 

[trinitygrace]

I'll pray for you Trinity... Hang in there, that is the only advice I know on this... Lily00

Lily,

Thanks for your prayers. They are greatly appreciated. Please pray I find a roommate soon. I will not be able to afford to move without finding one. I am looking for a female, arond my age, that is trustworthy and reliable. Thanks again!

 

[JohnR7]

Please pray I find a roommate soon.

There should be something in the newspaper where you can rent a room. Around the universitys they will buy a house and convert it. So they will rent out up to five rooms, then they share a common kitchen, bath, and living room. In the old days they use to have boarding houses where a widow women would rent out rooms. But you do not see that to much now a days. It is to easy for them to go out and find a job to make money.