I need some advice

[SirKenin]

So if the husband wants to place his mother before his wife the wife should just sit back and take it because that's what the Bible says to do?

Exactly. A woman's destiny is NOT to respond with blind obedience. That's what happens when people like flesh take passages out of context. They miss the entire point of what Paul is trying to say, who is advocating equality in marriage.

 

[SirKenin]

There are plenty of ways to bring it up to him, to talk to him about it but in the end, again, it is his decision.

Preposterous. Ridiculous. That's the most chauvenistic thing I've ever heard. Every decision is a joint decision. If you can't come to an agreement, you need to take it up in prayer and wait until God directs, or take it up with a third party like a minister.

With attitudes like this no wonder Christian marriages have the highest divorce rate in the country.

 

[SirKenin]

She does not get to assume the role of the head of the household, but submissive does not equal doormat by any means. There are plenty of ways to bring it up to him, to talk to him about it but in the end, again, it is his decision

I wanted to post something else on this (I'm getting all screwed up. I'm not having a very good day here it seems). This is very bad advice you are giving IMHO. It's very clear to me now that I'm thinking about it that you have no idea what a head of the household is supposed to be. I can tell you that it's not what you think it is at all. You think like I used to think before I started looking into it.

Your view of head is born as a direct result of sin (the fall of mankind), as it explains in Genesis 3.

It's obvious you think that head of the house means the decision maker, the final say, the boss. That's not it at all. That's not how Christ leads the church, and that's not how a husband is supposed to behave in the marriage. You are to submit to your wife, as she is to submit to you. The "head of the house" means that you are to provide for your wife and make sure that she is happy. You are to be an example. You are to follow Christ's example of servitude.

Your view of "headship" is completely unBiblical, born out of misinterpretation and taking verses out of context by the looks of things. No wife should have to put up with that IMO.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Ok now, ppl Let me just say that you have all given good advice and you all have good points and all have truth to what you are saying. I agree, and disagree with flesh in the fact that yes, I should submit to my hubby and he to me, that is idealistic and what the perfect law says. I have learned to submit to my hubby more over time out of respect for him, but there are things I will and won't do- not because it's to the tee what the bible says, but because although the law is perfect, I am not perfect, and I have my boundaries. Maybe some day I'd have the grace to submit to my hubby in quietness while he continued to hurt my feelings or didn't listen to me and understand how I felt- yes, that would be great, but I am not to that point yet, atleast not with God's grace anyways and my aim at this time is to live by God's grace alone. So anyways, it's not that my hubby never respects me or doesn't make it known that he respects and loves me, and that his mom is this controlling person. It's just that I have this sensitivity whenever the occasion arises that she does make a suggestion, and he doesn't first consult me regarding it. Not because I'm controlling myself, it's because i just need to know that he does esteem me and my wishes above his mom's. What makes it so bad is that I try to explain how I feel to him, and he blows me off, or takes his mom's side- that's what makes it a problem, is the fact that he's not being sensitive to me, and this makes me jealous of his mom- even if there really isn't a competition- it's really not that big of a deal how it happens, I make it a bigger deal than I know it really is. I guess my main need is to be cherished and understood- and above everyone else in his life- and even though he does show it to me, he doesn't go that extra mile. Thank you everyone for taking the time and effort to respond to my post- may any anger and hostility provoked between you be desolved and may you all love and respect eachother and forgive eachother, even if the other is not owning up to their wrongs.. God Bless you all with peace and love. Hisbloodformysins

 

[SirKenin]

hisbloodformysins:

I'm not going to blow any sunshine up your behind on this one, pardon my reference. My first thoughts when I read the OP were not nice ones, unfortunately.

1) I thought that your relationship left room for some maturity on both sides.

2) You strike me as being stubborn, wanting people to do things your way or no way. That's not a good approach to take in any relationship. There is often more than one way of getting the job done.

3) I didn't get the feeling that you were honoring his mother, which the Bible teaches that you should do. Not obeying though. That's not what honoring is about at your age.

4) Your husband isn't submitting to his wife, the other half of the equation.

5) Your husband is a mommy's boy, and that should have been left at home when he moved out.

So, I see several things wrong, as you can see. It sounds like the two of you need to sit down at the table and discuss some issues. I think there is need for compromise on all three sides.. His mother, him and you.

I hope that my being candid was of some help to you. I couldn't see any other way of bringing up the issues as I saw them. Good luck to you.

 

[Swtsnshyn]

hisbloodformysins,

I know exactly what you are talking about. Been there; done that; don't want a tee shirt. Seriously, it took some time, but my husband and I did make the changes necessary. The best advice I can give you is the following:

1) First and foremost pray about the situation and lift your husband up before the Lord. Not only will this benefit him, but it will also benefit you. Not only will his heart change, but yours will to. Another thing to pray is "Jesus, give my husband the best wife for him." You will find attitudes, feelings, etc. changing in you. After all, the only person you can change is you. Also, the Lord will give you the right words which will help your husband to understand.

2) Communicate with your husband.

Have you sat down and told your husband how you feel. I know it sounds really sexist, but if I have a problem I want to bring up with my husband, I cook him his favourite meal, let him know I want some time to talk after our 2 yo goes to bed, and bring it up then. It usually works and we get some problems resolved.

Mamaneenie gave some good advice as to how to go about starting the communication. Or maybe go out to dinner (neutral place) and talk. Also, try not to come across as to laying blame on any one person. After all, each person is a little at fault, and to be honest, some may not realize what this is doing. Another thing to keep in mind is that it takes time to adjust to changes in relationships. And...

3) Read and study the love chapter - I Corinthians 13, especially verses 4-8. If you have an Amplified Version, it really expounds and accentuates what love (God's love in us) really is. This will help you to respond to whatever happens in the love of Christ.

If you have any questions or would like to talk a little more about this, feel free to PM me.




God Bless!!
Dawn
Shining brightly for Jesus

 

[William Nunn]

It's obvious you think that head of the house means the decision maker, the final say, the boss. That's not it at all. That's not how Christ leads the church, and that's not how a husband is supposed to behave in the marriage. You are to submit to your wife, as she is to submit to you. The "head of the house" means that you are to provide for your wife and make sure that she is happy. You are to be an example. You are to follow Christ's example of servitude..

That not really a good analogy. Christ still led the church. He gave himself for it, but He also led it and set down the rules. He didn't let the church make it's own rules, or change His doctrines.

I do believe the husband is to be the head of the household, the decision maker, etc. BUT, that's contingent on him making decisions with his family in mind before himself. I think it's pretty clear from the analogies used in the Bible that the husband has headship over the household. Does that mean he's free to be a dictator? No. Any decision that is made should be consulted with the wife beforehand - and then he makes the decision (of course, if he's doing his God-given duty as a husband, he will make the decision based on his families needs and not his own). But it is considered HIS responsibility to make sure that the household is taken care of (spiritually, physically, financially). If he is not doing this, then his wife needs to point out to him that he is not fulfilling his duty as a husband.

As far as this guy who won't cut the umbilical cord, yes, his wife needs to give him a good smack upside the head (not literally of course). It's written clearly in the Bible that a man is to leave his parents and cling to his wife - and he's not doing that.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Thank you again for your responses, Swt.., that is very good advice, I think I have gotten away from dependence on prayer like I used to, getting frustrated and angry doesn't do anything to help the situation- especially when I have tried it over and over again, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

Dr. feelgood, I agree that it is not just my hubby at fault, or his mom at fault, but myself also, that is why I started this thread, so I could receive some good helpful advice.

Again, the whole issue is not about getting my way, but it's about the fact that when I bring it up, he seems to get defensive, or continue the behavior, and it's not the situations so much, because some of the situations really aren't that big of a deal, but the fact that he isn't showing that he understands or cares about how I feel about it- that's what the real issue is.

 

[SirKenin]

Dr. feelgood, I agree that it is not just my hubby at fault, or his mom at fault, but myself also, that is why I started this thread, so I could receive some good helpful advice.

Again, the whole issue is not about getting my way, but it's about the fact that when I bring it up, he seems to get defensive, or continue the behavior, and it's not the situations so much, because some of the situations really aren't that big of a deal, but the fact that he isn't showing that he understands or cares about how I feel about it- that's what the real issue is.

I hope that what I offered was of some help. You'll have to sit down and talk to him. He needs to submit to you and you need to submit to him out of reverence to Christ, no matter how small the issue is. Small things become big things in time.

 

[sioleabha]

As it is, he isn't and shouldn't be allowed to be the "head of the house", if he can't leave his mother out of your marriage. For now, until he grows up, you will have to take on the responsibility of being the "spiritual head of the home" since he is incapable and unwilling.

Please, men are lazy. Any time you take over a guy's job (even temporarily), eventually you get stuck with it. Take out the trash twice and it's yours.

You have to let men screw up sometimes or they won't learn anything. (Flesh, don't be mad!) But I agree with Flesh99's suggestion. Offer a compromise. Tell your husband that you actually LOVE some of your MIL's ideas, but that you just want a chance to put your opinion in before your husband makes his decision. Then pick your battles. If you really do like that chair where it is, leave it there. You won't have any weight left on the big issues if you throw it around on the little ones.

Also, remind your husband that it IS his decision. not his mom's. He's a big boy and can think for himself now.

 

[IslandBreeze]

I have this little problem when it comes to my husband and my mother-in-law. As a matter of fact, it's not just her, but any of my in- laws. I like my mother in law. But I find myself resisting and putting up a fight when my hubby tells me that we are doing something based on her wishes.

As you should, IMO. Particularly if it is happening in YOUR home.

For example, when we first moved into our house, I told my hubby where I wanted the chair, then later on came in and found it in a different place, and my hubby's response was "mom thought it would look good right here". And it did look good, but I was angry, because he put it there because "she" wanted it there.

If you wanted the chair in a certain place, you should have put it there yourself. Don't open situations up to interference. I learned that one the hard way.

And if I'm considering a decoration ploy, my hubby will say, "let's ask my mom", and I don't care if she's Martha Stewart, I get angry and say "no way".

Good! If you don't put your foot down NOW, the situation is only going to escalate, and YOU will be the one to end up losing.

I don't want him putting them before me, especially his mom. I don't like it when he so willingly gives her her way. I'd appreciate any input, thanks.

Been there, done that. Still doing that, in fact. My husband is a mama's boy, too. And I love my mother-in-law, I really do. But I don't want to live right next door to her, and I didn't like getting a house that was a block away from where she works. I opened myself up to a lot of awkward situations. That was my first mistake. If your mother-in-law wanted you to come pick your son up later, SHE should have driven him home. And i would have told her that. STOP TALKING TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT IT! He isn't going to listen, because I'd bet money he just doesn't see it. You need to go RIGHT to your mother-in-law about it, the sooner the better.

 

[Swtsnshyn]

hisbloodformysins,
Do not stop talking to your husband about it! As for going to your mother-in-law, I would pray about it and do as God directed me. If I would have gone to my mother-in-law, it would have magnified our problems. I am not saying that this will happen. All I am saying is pray, communicate with your husband, and meditate on I Corinthians 13:4-8. We are called to love with the love of Christ. Somtimes this is very hard, but remember, we do not do this in our own strength!

Again, we cannot change anyone but ourselves. Our actions, our attitudes, the way we treat others, etc. can be the very things that make or break a relationship. We need to be very careful to walk in the love of God.




God Bless!!
Dawn
Shining brightly for Jesus

 

[hisbloodformysins]

LOL Sio, men would just sit back and let you take over, but I'm sure that there has to be some kind of logical explanation for it. Not my first instinct to call them all lazy jerks LOL. Uggg, we, men and women are so different. Anyways, back to the issue. My hubby and I had a huge blow out yesterday because well, we went to his parents house. And an issue that had been getting to me had happened again, so of course I brought it up when we both went to the store, and he got irriated and said "oh, don't start", and I was angry, knew I wouldn't be able to get over it, didn't want to be angry all day and have my day ruined just because my hubby blew off my feelings, so I tried the approach of gently telling him that we needed to talk before we went back, and he kept telling me that I was wrong, to sum it all up. I tried to explain to him that whether he saw it the way I did or not was not the issue, it was the fact that he wasn't being understanding of me, caring, trying to see what I was talking about, and he continued to tell me that I was just being irrational about the whole situation, with further increased my anger over the matter. So we ended up yelling at eachother, threatened all kinds of things to eachother. Uggg, Let me tell you something women, for your own sake (if not for his, trust me, at the time, it is not for his), Just stop going to him, and do it yourself, LOL. Because it's the dependance that is so nerve racking when the person falls short. Just do it yourself, take care of yourself- and make yourself happy, independent of him. And if he wants to join in the fun, then he has a choice.......... he can bend himself a little, otherwise just take care of yourselves, and respect him and love him like the lord wants, but not for him, but for yourself (so you aren't drained by frustration and anger) and for God- because it's what's right. And in so doing, you'll become less dependent on him which takes some of the pressure off of him, and you won't have to rely on him to make you happy. That's the way it ought to be, if he wants to love you and care for you the way God wants him to, that's his choice, whether or not he does it is up to him, because you can't force him, and it's not worth forcing him. I don't want someone in a relationship with me treating me certain ways because I forced them to... So anyways, thanks again for the input everyone. God Bless.