I need some advice

[hisbloodformysins]

I have this little problem when it comes to my husband and my mother-in-law. As a matter of fact, it's not just her, but any of my in- laws. I like my mother in law. But I find myself resisting and putting up a fight when my hubby tells me that we are doing something based on her wishes. For example, when we first moved into our house, I told my hubby where I wanted the chair, then later on came in and found it in a different place, and my hubby's response was "mom thought it would look good right here". And it did look good, but I was angry, because he put it there because "she" wanted it there. And if I'm considering a decoration ploy, my hubby will say, "let's ask my mom", and I don't care if she's Martha Stewart, I get angry and say "no way". One time I get really mad because we sent my son to stay with her and chris's dad for a couple days, and our son had the stomach flew, or atleast was overcoming it. And I had explained to his mom how it was supposed to be given, well when she picked up the prescription from the pharmacy, the nurse suggested a different way (I'm a nurse to by the way), so she and my hubby were giving it that way. When I got there, I did it my own way... it made me so mad. And today, my son is at my mother-in-laws again because yesterday was my birthday, and we wanted a day to ourselves. Well, my hubby mentioned to me that his mom requesting that we wait to pick him up at 6 pm so he could see his cousins who want to see him. I didn't want to wait that long, I wanted to pick him up this afternoon and come right back home. I told my hubby that I wished he'd consulted me before he told his mom that he'd agree. He said that it wasn't his mom that was at fault, but that he himself made the decision, and we were going to waith, and if I didn't like it, than he'd go by himself to pick my son up (they live an hour and half away). And I told him fine, that I wouldn't ride along. I'm hurt right now, because he doesn't understand, his mom is nice, but I'm sensitive when it comes to her and his family, I don't want him putting them before me, especially his mom. I don't like it when he so willingly gives her her way. I'd appreciate any input, thanks.

 

[karla]

Have you told your husband how you feel, like he is putting them before you? If not, then I think you should, but you need to pick a time when you are arguing or upset about something his mom has done. How long have you been married? He may just be having a hard time realizing that he is now a husband and then a son. We had those types of problems early in our marriage and really had to work at things. We both had to realize that above all the people in our lives that we had to put eachother first, even over our parents. There are also some things that you just need to let go. For example, your son's medicine - as long as he was getting it and the right amount/time then is it really important how it is given to him? I know it is frustrating because a mothers and wives we have our own way of doing things and like it done that way. I remember getting so aggravate over how my husband folded our towels because it wasn't the way I did it, but then I soon realized - hey he's folding hte towels and doing laundry I should just shut up. Talk with your husband, decide on boundries, and make those boundries clear to you in-laws.

 

[Silent Enigma]

So you're upset that your mother-in-law acts like you sound--- domineering and pushy??

People often say that men marry someone who is like their mother...

Relax a bit! The damage you'll do to your relationship will far outweigh any "benefit" of getting revenge on the in-law.

How is your husband going to grow into being a leader if your remedy for this is by trying to out-do his mom at pushiness?

Grab a concordance and to a Bible study on "anger" and "submission" in the NT.

It'll change your life for the better if you listen to it.

He'll get so used to being "THE MAN" in his house that outside interference won't stand a chance.

 

[Jenna]

lol Sounds like mama's little bird never really left the nest. I'm sorry. That stinks. I know it probably isn't the "right" way, but I would probably be a smartie and say that I didn't ask for his mother's opinion. lol I know, I know. It's not the way to go, running around with ruffled feathers. I don't have a clue on any advice, but I'll pray for you.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Silent Enigma,

I almost shouldn't even respond, was that supposed to be helpful? And I never said his mom is domineering and pushy, but that she is nice. And it's not her I have the problem with per say, it's how my hubby handles it. And sometimes I over react to the things. The whole point is that I do feel like he puts his family first, founded or not...... he doesn't understand, I do try to tell him how I feel, and he just blows me off and tells me that I'm wrong.... I guess I wanted to vent, and some HELPFUL advice. But anyways, thank you everyone else for your helpful caring input. Maybe I'll let my hubby read this thread so he can get where I'm coming from. He tends to get pretty defensive when it comes to his family.

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

Well he is the head of the house, but he should listen to your opinion before his mothers, after all it is written that a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined with his wife and the two shall become one flesh. Here is a suggeston, tell him how you feel but offer a compomise. Suggest that you do try his mother's ideas but that he bring them to your first and you try them together. Let him know you feel a need to be part of the decision making process and that he needs to let his mother know you are first in his life. By telling his mom "yes, that's a great idea, let me ask my wife about it" he will show her respect and give respect to you at the same time.

 

[Suzannah]

Um...excuse the intrusion. Just wanted to give the OP my support:

Your husband is a guy that needs to "leave home". Tell him in no uncertain terms that when you got married, he was supposed to do that. That's what "leaving and cleaving" is all about. You are not wrong to be upset and if this were me, I'd have a whole truck load of stuff in the front yard. (his) until he figured out how to "leave home". Your mother in law is not any better: she's encouraging this behaviour and is not allowing her baby boy to be a man. If you allow this situation to continue he will never be capable of being the "head of the house". As it is, he isn't and shouldn't be allowed to be the "head of the house", if he can't leave his mother out of your marriage. For now, until he grows up, you will have to take on the responsibility of being the "spiritual head of the home" since he is incapable and unwilling.

Practical things:
Move that chair back where you wanted it. If he says anything tell him his mother doesn't live there.
Pick up the phone and call his mother and tell her that she needs to butt out.

Just so you know where this advice is coming from: I'm almost fifty, married, a Christian for over thirty years, and I wouldn't dream of treating my own in law children this way.

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

Um...excuse the intrusion. Just wanted to give the OP my support:

Your husband is a guy that needs to "leave home". Tell him in no uncertain terms that when you got married, he was supposed to do that. That's what "leaving and cleaving" is all about. You are not wrong to be upset and if this were me, I'd have a whole truck load of stuff in the front yard. (his) until he figured out how to "leave home". Your mother in law is not any better: she's encouraging this behaviour and is not allowing her baby boy to be a man. If you allow this situation to continue he will never be capable of being the "head of the house". As it is, he isn't and shouldn't be allowed to be the "head of the house", if he can't leave his mother out of your marriage. For now, until he grows up, you will have to take on the responsibility of being the "spiritual head of the home" since he is incapable and unwilling.

Practical things:
Move that chair back where you wanted it. If he says anything tell him his mother doesn't live there.
Pick up the phone and call his mother and tell her that she needs to butt out.

Just so you know where this advice is coming from: I'm almost fifty, married, a Christian for over thirty years, and I wouldn't dream of treating my own in law children this way.

I am sorry to say this but your advice is unscriptural. If he moved the chair because his mother wanted him to, or even just on suggestion that is his decision. The Bible does not say that man SHOULD be the head of the household, it says that they ARE. She should approach any discussion on this in that manner. It is also not her job to call the MIL, that could do more damage to her marriage if her husband gets angry about it as it is his mother and dealings with her should be from him on somehting like this. Submission is not an if your husband is good at it prospect, submission is just that and nothing more. And remember as much as it sounds bad we do only have one side of the story on this and have to give advice based on that and that alone. When you only have one side of the story you have to be careful giving advice, especially in regards to marriage.

There is no caveat in the scripture for her to assume the role of head of the household. It is his decision to still cling to the arpon strings and she should be respectful of that if that is what he has decided to do. It is much like our relationship with Christ, there is one way right way to do it and it doesn't always make us happy at the outset but it will be what is right when the race is run.

 

[mamaneenie]

I know exactly how you feel. My husband is very close to his mum, she is a very strong Christian lady. She is lovely, but sometimes she goes a little too far, with offering advice and help. If you know what I mean. R gets cranky when things aren't done "the way his mum would do it" and I have to politely remind him that I am not his mum and I am different. This ranges from the way I cook to the way I wash his clothes. He doesn't do it as much anymore, because I told him exactly how it makes me feel, and if he keeps saying things like that to me, he can cook his own dinner and do his own washing lol.

Have you sat down and told your husband how you feel. I know it sounds really sexist, but if I have a problem I want to bring up with my husband, I cook him his favourite meal, let him know I want some time to talk after our 2 yo goes to bed, and bring it up then. It usually works and we get some problems resolved.

It does sound as though he has problems making his own decisions. I also think Flesh99 gave some good advice.

 

[Suzannah]

Flesh 99: On younger women, that argument might work. Many a Christian woman has been beaten into submission because she was not encouraged to have a backbone. That isn't scriptural either, and the fact is, that many Christian marriages suffer for the interference of a meddling mother in law. Being a Christian wife does not mean being a doormat. It also doesn't mean allowing one's husband to run willy nilly over the family because one is "afraid" of making him angry. He's responsible for any tantrums he has regardless of what the wife does. I stand by my everything I said in my post.

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

Flesh 99: On younger women, that argument might work. Many a Christian woman has been beaten into submission because she was not encouraged to have a backbone. That isn't scriptural either, and the fact is, that many Christian marriages suffer for the interference of a meddling mother in law. Being a Christian wife does not mean being a doormat. It also doesn't mean allowing one's husband to run willy nilly over the family because one is "afraid" of making him angry. He's responsible for any tantrums he has regardless of what the wife does. I stand by my everything I said in my post.

I will stop repsonding as I do not want to hijack this thread, but your advice is not Biblical. We are called to uphold the commands given to us regardless of the actions of others. I am called to Love my wife as Christ loves the church, that means being willing to pay for any of her transgressions with my very life, I don't get to stop this if she is not being the wife the scripture tells her to be. Our obedience to the scripture is more important than our happiness as we are promised that all things work out for the good of those the love the Lord. Making our obedience to scripture dependant on the actions of those around us is not Biblical and can be very destructive of our relationship with the Lord. These are basic facts regardless of age. If you would like to debate this further feel free to start a thread and I will respond, but aside from further advice this is my last post in this thread as the OP needs good Biblical advice at this time and not us debating.

 

[mamaneenie]

There is no caveat in the scripture for her to assume the role of head of the household. It is his decision to still cling to the arpon strings and she should be respectful of that if that is what he has decided to do. .

No, I have to disagree, I think if my husband decided to cling to his "mummy" and not put me first, I wouldn't have stayed married to him. It would be like being married to him and his mum. It would be like letting his mum be head of the house, that isn't right. IMO if that counts.

 

[Silent Enigma]

Silent Enigma,

I almost shouldn't even respond, was that supposed to be helpful? And I never said his mom is domineering and pushy, but that she is nice. And it's not her I have the problem with per say, it's how my hubby handles it. And sometimes I over react to the things. The whole point is that I do feel like he puts his family first, founded or not...... he doesn't understand, I do try to tell him how I feel, and he just blows me off and tells me that I'm wrong.... I guess I wanted to vent, and some HELPFUL advice. But anyways, thank you everyone else for your helpful caring input. Maybe I'll let my hubby read this thread so he can get where I'm coming from. He tends to get pretty defensive when it comes to his family.

Ok I got carried away.

I've seen the other scenario before so thats what I assumed it to be.

But anyway, just relax. Its just a chair.

In laws get the hang of it and come to grips with reality after a while.

 

[SirKenin]

I am sorry to say this but your advice is unscriptural. If he moved the chair because his mother wanted him to, or even just on suggestion that is his decision. The Bible does not say that man SHOULD be the head of the household, it says that they ARE. She should approach any discussion on this in that manner. It is also not her job to call the MIL, that could do more damage to her marriage if her husband gets angry about it as it is his mother and dealings with her should be from him on somehting like this. Submission is not an if your husband is good at it prospect, submission is just that and nothing more. And remember as much as it sounds bad we do only have one side of the story on this and have to give advice based on that and that alone. When you only have one side of the story you have to be careful giving advice, especially in regards to marriage.

There is no caveat in the scripture for her to assume the role of head of the household. It is his decision to still cling to the arpon strings and she should be respectful of that if that is what he has decided to do. It is much like our relationship with Christ, there is one way right way to do it and it doesn't always make us happy at the outset but it will be what is right when the race is run.

No, it's this advice that's not really scriptural. I hate to say it, but you've misinterpreted that passage of scripture. For a detailed examination of what that passage means, see this thread:

http://www.christianforums.com/t86751

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

I am sorry but your exegetics are all sorts of incorrect. It is laid out the way a family should function and that is very clear. The roles are well defined in scripture and not negotiable. The man is to be the head, the same as Christ is head of the church and to show the same love, the woman is to willingly submit just as we all willingly submit to Christ. My position is held throughout history by scholars over and over again. I have even studied the Greek text as well and the conclusions are the same. If we ran our lives the way the Bible tells us to there would be much less strife in marriages. If you don't believe that this if God's plan then you only need look to Genesis and what God said to Eve, it has been this way since the beginning of the fall and will remain this way until the second coming. There is no changing of the guard on this one. The word for "head" did not mean anything about the seat of knowledge at the time, it was used to mean the front, an animal reference actually. The husband is on point so to speak, he is to take the brunt of any attacks and stop them from getting to his family. There is no reason for this to be debated here, if you want to explain away scripture that you don't like be my guest, but that is not the way it reads in the original language nor is your exegesis correct.

 

[msjones21]

So if the husband wants to place his mother before his wife the wife should just sit back and take it because that's what the Bible says to do?

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

You seem to think that I think that submissive means doormat without a voice. You couldn't be more wrong. She should bring it up to him, I have even stated that but in the end it is his decision to make and she should respect that. It is his mother and he is head of the household. While I don't think putting his mother over his wife is at all correct I can only advise the person asking for help, and I can only do that according to scripture. I hope she does send him to this thread, he needs to see that what he is doing is wrong to begin with. My main point is that our obedience to scripture is never based on the actions of someone else, it is between us and God.

If the husband is not acting correctly this does not relieve the wife's duty to obey the scripture, and conversely no matter what the wife does the husband is to love her as Christ love the church. They are seperate in that it is not if one is following theirs you have to follow yours. I have advised husbands this way as well, I am not one-sided in this like many men I see posting this sort of advice. The husband gets the short end of the stick sometimes as we are called to love as Christ loves, this means forgiving every transgression without question. The husband in question should get his act together, but the wife still needs to follow what she is called to do. In doing so whe is showing him that the Biblical answer is the way she wants her marriage to run and that he should fall in line with scripture as well. Of course he needs to cut the umbilical cord, it sounds like he is a real momma's boy, but no matter she is still nor released from following the sctructure.

 

[msjones21]

You missed my point, flesh. I was responding to this comment:

There is no caveat in the scripture for her to assume the role of head of the household. It is his decision to still cling to the arpon strings and she should be respectful of that if that is what he has decided to do.

So in other words if he wants to be a momma's boy the wife should just let it go because that's his choice and he's the head of the household?

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

She does not get to assume the role of the head of the household, but submissive does not equal doormat by any means. There are plenty of ways to bring it up to him, to talk to him about it but in the end, again, it is his decision. Bu she should not let it go, if her husband is a believer she should contact the elders of the church for advice on the matter, pray ferverently about the matter, even fast over it. She can affect change without stepping outside of the Biblical role, and this is what she should do. She could even bring it up to the MIL if they have any sort of speaking relationship, but she would need to do that respectfully. The MIL might not realize what affect she has on her son even. All of these things could affect the change without stepping outside the roles ascribed to us. I do not think women should be doormats at all, but there are ways to effect change without being unscriptural about it. Please note in my earlier post the advice to not contact the MIL was based on the advice to tell her to "butt out!" and not on me thinking she shouldn't talk to her about it.

 

[SirKenin]

I am sorry but your exegetics are all sorts of incorrect. It is laid out the way a family should function and that is very clear. The roles are well defined in scripture and not negotiable. The man is to be the head, the same as Christ is head of the church and to show the same love, the woman is to willingly submit just as we all willingly submit to Christ. My position is held throughout history by scholars over and over again. I have even studied the Greek text as well and the conclusions are the same. If we ran our lives the way the Bible tells us to there would be much less strife in marriages.

I don't think so. If we ran our marriages the way you say, there would be more divorces. I already got into this with someone else. I can speak from experience on this one, because I've lived it.

The exercises that were done in that thread are all sorts of correct, and I can say that with confidence. Yes, even according to the Greek as that's where I started from (I use Strong's concordance and Thayer's Lexicon as a starting point). Unless, of course, you can provide evidence to the contrary, in which case your input would be welcome in that thread. That thread came with considerable research, so until you can do anything but wave your hand at it without any evidence, I'll just take what you have to say with a heavy dose of salt.