I need some advice

[PuppyforChrist]

Okay here is the situation.

See, to make a long story short, about a year ago I had gotten into a fight with 3 of my friends over evolution. We have not spoken to each other since.

Now back then, they were for evolution, I was not, this caused arguments because they were not liking that my Christians ways did not agree with what they believed in. Back then I was angry, and so were they. So we stopped being friends.

This school year started in September. Over the summer break, I began to think about them. I started to miss hanging out with them. I realized that God was teaching me something with this fight. He was trying to tell me that even though their views did not agree with mine, I could still be calm and cool because he would take care of it. In other words, I learned from this that I can't force people to believe in the same things that I believe in. But what I can do is pray for them that God will find them and take care of them. I know he will someday, I just have to wait.

After I realized all this, I tried to go apologize to them, but they would not speak to me. They turned me away, and my heart was torn.

When September of this school year rolled around, I began to see them again. I passed them in the hallways, and I had oppertunities to talk to them again. I figured that by now they had forgotten about the whole thing. Even if they had not, it was over a year ago! I figured it was high time we put it behind us. It was just a stupid argument.

Boy was I wrong.

I tried talking to them a little bit, but they still would not talk to me!

So I gave up. I figured they didn't want to be friends with me anymore, so I gave up.

Well apparently God did not want me to. Because last month I had been having dreams about them in my sleep. It is still going on to this day! And the dreams are becoming more feaquent then before. My dreams are always about all the good times we have spent together when we were friends. Now I can't stop thinking about them. And everytime I see them in the hallways, I want to just cry.

I talked to my best friend at school about it, and she told me that I need to talk to them. She said I need to work up some guts and go talk to them. This might stop the dreams. The thing is, I'm afriad they won't listen to me like they did before. I'm afriad they'll just pull me away from them again. I'm really scared.

I don't know what to do. Should I talk to them? How? What should I say?

I just really need some good advice. And prayer.

 

[Crazy Liz]

It sounds like a typical story I have heard many times from older Christians - especially Christian husbands or wives whose sin resulted in a divorce. They say, "I've repented, but now my spouse won't take me back." It's a way of shifting the blame for the breakup to the other person.

Now, I'm not saying you did anything that serious, but you're young & can learn from this, and avoid repeating the pattern later.

My best advice is that you find some way to tell them you are really sorry, and even if you can't be friends again, you don't want to ever do the same thing again. Don't ask them to forgive you or to be friends again. Just make your "no excuses" apology.

Then, no matter how they respond, learn from this experience. After you apologize, you may find something changes in you that will make you a better person.

 

[AngelAmidala]

I think Crazy Liz has the right idea.

Let them know that you have something to say...and they can forgive you or not. Or they can talk to you again or not. But it is something that you need to say to them RIGHT NOW. And when you're done...they can do whatever they want.

Then tell them how you feel. Even tell them what you learned through all this.

If they still turn away from you, then they do. But you did what you had to do.

I will keep you and your friends in my prayers.

 

[Phileo]

I agree with the others on this one. You must apologize (show repentance) for your behavior in the matter, because it is the right thing to do. Once you have put that out there the onus is no longer upon you. It is on them.

If they refuse to receive you even to give you the opportunity to apologize... send each of them a small card saying I am sorry for (----) and sign it and put them on their desks... in their lockers... or even hand one to each of them (women are curious they will prolly want to know what is enclosed, you can bet on it!)

Having done this... you are no longer culpable in the eyes of God... you did what thus says the Lord. You have fully repented of your anger.

You have confessed you were angry, and even acknowledged that it was wrong not to keep a cool head and give it over to the Lord in prayer. Having done all of this all that is left is the repentant act of offering and apology.

(just my take)

 

[Blessed-one]

just be honest and also let them know that even though you disagree with them, you respect their decision.

 

[PuppyforChrist]

I do respect their decition. And I know we all did each other wrongly. I just want us to be friends again and pretend this whole thing never happened.

I'm just really scared that they will turn me away. If they do, I'll be crushed... again..

Any ideas of how I can get over this fear?

 

[Crazy Liz]

I do respect their decition. And I know we all did each other wrongly. I just want us to be friends again and pretend this whole thing never happened.

You will never reconcile that way. This is something big that has happened, and you can't deny it. A relationship based on pretending isn't much of a relationship.

I'm just really scared that they will turn me away. If they do, I'll be crushed... again..

Any ideas of how I can get over this fear?

In trying to work things out, usually things get worse before they get better. IOW, there will be more pain before there is healing.

Imagine you had a broken leg. How would you get over the fear of letting a doctor set the broken bone? It's going to be painful, but the greater your fear, the more it will interfere with your recovery.

If you don't take the risk of pain and rejection, you'll never have a relationship again. If you take the risk, you will almost certainly experience more pain, and may never get the relationship back. But at this point, you'll never get teh relationship back by forgetting about wht happened and pretending it never happened. That's something that won't work. Cross that option off your list and work with what's left.

I pray God will give you courage. Courage is a virtue that is seldom talked about today. Instead, we teach self-protection. Courage has the power to transform fear into love. Self-protection only transforms fear into hate. I think this is something young people are not taught today, as they were when I was young. Think about this and read several books and articles about Ruby Bridges. I think there aren't many Rubies today because we have changed what we teach children. There has been a shift in our values. On behalf of the generations between Ruby's and yours, I apologize to you for not sharing this with you before. Take courage!

 

[Susan]

There's some great advice here.

Another thing to keep in mind is that sometimes, a relationship/friendship/acquaintance *is* beyond repair or *is* in the past never to return to the way it once was. Once you have established contact, apologized for any wrongs, and repented, you've done your part.

I lost a lot of friends when I left my high school group, although these losses were on an amicable basis-we just drifted apart as we all went our separate paths in life, split off into our own lives which don't have much in common. I still have a few friends and acquaintances from those years, for whom I'm very grateful-however, most of my acquaintances and friendships from then, in a year's time, have gone by the wayside most likely not to return.

I totally agree about courage. It takes a LOT of courage to establish a friendship with someone whom you've offended or insulted in the past.

For example, I used to run and highly promote online a site (that many of you probably would agree with a lot more than my current views) created in opposition to a certain type of writing.

Nevertheless, in actually listening to both sides of the debate and due to a change in my convictions, my views on that particular writing issue changed from opposition to agreement with the side I once opposed.

Anyway, after taking down my banners promoting my site and divesting my interests in it, I ended up sending a private message to one of my formerly most sincere opponents on a board when I wanted a sig banner made and someone else had referred me to her as the best banner maker. If I remember correctly, I apologized for my actions in the debate, said that my views had changed, and asked if we could put it all behind us.

After I sent that. . .I was expecting her to come back with a flaming reply to the effect of "how dare you do this," except in much less nice language. You know what happened instead? She sent me a message back saying all was forgiven, we traded AIM addresses, and she's made two of the best signature banners I've ever used at anime boards.

My point is not to endorse my change of views for those who would be tempted to personal sin by it: I don't want anyone to stumble. Ever. My point in relating that is that we don't need to fear confrontations with former enemies. Sometimes, a past enemy can be a good friend.

 

[Ben johnson]

Hi, Puppy!

I'm just really scared that they will turn me away. If they do, I'll be crushed... again..

Let's play "armchair psychologist". S'allright? Why will you be crushed? What do you need from them? Friendship is a two-way-street; and no one can befriend, alone. Everyone makes mistakes --- we are all imperfect. If you sincerely apologize, and they are unable to forgive you, then that is their choice --- and it will be "no friendship, for you will be alone.

Please consider something else: your friends believe in evolution; I believe they are not walking with God. Please consider 2Cor6:14, and following: "Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, what fellowship has light with darkness? ...what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? ...Therefore, come out of their midst, and be separate."

Even if they do forgive you, I recommend guarding your heart. Jesus did befriend tax-gatherers and prostitutes (you MUST be friends with the lost, and truly love them, or they CANNOT be won to Christ) -- but Jesus did not FELLOWSHIP with them. First, Jesus required CHANGE of them. "Go your way, and do this no more." But we are not Jesus, we can pray for them. Just be careful the level of friendship that you offer. I'm reminded of a Christian wife in counselling. The counselor asked her, "Does your husband beat you? Mistreat you at all?" "No." "Does he provide for you? Is he good to the kids?" "Oh yes, he's very good, thoughtful, a spiritual man." Finally, the counselor said: "Your best girlfriend is not a Christian, and she's DIVORCED, isn't she?" The woman was ASTONISHED: "How did you know THAT?!"

The counselor said, "Because you are fellowshipping with a SINNER, and taking counsel from a FOOL!"

Can we Christians be intimate friends with the unsaved? No. We are to love them, spend time with them, but gently encourage them towards righteousness. Realize that those of the WORLD, not serving Jesus, by definition are serving the EVIL one. There is no "middle-ground". Jesus said, "He who is not WITH Me, is AGAINST Me" (Mtt12:30).

Honored to join the prayers for you...

 

[deornie]

I think you should find some courage and talk to them... I know how it feels " I'm just really scared that they will turn me away. If they do, I'll be crushed... again.." But it is always better to try even if you fail than miss your chance and all your life ask yourself "what could have been if"...
Just go to them and tell them straight away that you want to be friends with them and if you were wrong you are sorry...
And I think it would be MUCH better if you talk to each separately....
and if they reject you just be patient...
if Lord thinks they are right for you He will find the way for you to make peace with them... Show them and Him that you can really be patient and wait... lots of love and hugz,Deornie

 

[PuppyforChrist]

Ben - It's okay, before we lost friendship, besides them I had many non-Christian friends and I still do. We just don't talk about religion. Which is okay because I know I cannot force them into it. That in my eyes is wrong. So I pray for them instead. I never let people influence my walk with God unless it is good influence.

Thanks for the advice, that really means a lot to me. I know I need to just work up the courage to talk to them. I thought about writing a letter to them, but I figured that would not work.

Deornie - I'm not so sure I could talk to them one at time like you said. They are always together when I see them. They grew up together and are very very close. I'll see what I can do.

I'm still very afraid, but I guess if they reject me again, I still know that I have friends who will comfort me. I just need to ask God for courage. But I will try. These dreams are driving me crazy.

Thanks for the advice!

 

[Ben johnson]

Puppy, I'm sure you'll do fine. "Cast all your anxiety upon Him, for He cares for you." 1Pet5:7

I think you'll have more strength in your approach if you come across as secure and confident, offering true friendship, that they can accept or reject --- you will not be destroyed either way. IOW, you're caring, not "needy". Does that make sense? Pray about it, for courage strength and wisdom; and then when you talk with them, you will not be alone; Jesus will be with you, helping you say the right thing.

God bless you!!!