I need some advice...

[imperfectchristian]

I have returned home and been immediately greeted with a situation in the lives of some people who I am close to and I need some outside advice.

Person A (25 yr old female) and Person B (18 yr old female) are sisters.

Person A is married to Person C (26 yr old male)

Person B is living with Person A and Person C with Person A spending most of her time at work while person B and C spend an unhealthy amount of time together alone. This has apparently been going on for quite a long time.

This is a really bad situation and is very similar to something that happened to me about 10 years ago. I want to try to be understanding and also the voice of caring warning, but honestly it is pretty obvious (to me) that the initial damage is already done.

What should I do?

 

[Faulty]

What type of initial damage are you referring to?

Plus, why don't persons B and C have their own jobs?

 

[the.Sheepdog]

by 'damage' do you mean of a physical nature? if so does the young lady 'A' know?

Person 'B' is in a bad place regardless of the circumstances and probably needs to leave immediately.

 

[ralangley]

I have returned home and been immediately greeted with a situation in the lives of some people who I am close to and I need some outside advice.

Person A (25 yr old female) and Person B (18 yr old female) are sisters.

Person A is married to Person C (26 yr old male)

Person B is living with Person A and Person C with Person A spending most of her time at work while person B and C spend an unhealthy amount of time together alone. This has apparently been going on for quite a long time.

This is a really bad situation and is very similar to something that happened to me about 10 years ago. I want to try to be understanding and also the voice of caring warning, but honestly it is pretty obvious (to me) that the initial damage is already done.

What should I do?

This is either a disaster that has already happened, or one that will.

Its very bad, and what's compounding it is that the women are sisters. Sister B needs to move out and move in with someone else if she can't afford a place of her own. If this is not an option, both of them need to get a job so they're not in the house alone together. If they can't get a job, they need to volunteer at a food bank, homeless shelter, library, or anything as long as they're not alone together.

I'm not sure what you're relationship is with these people, but it seems that working with Person A is first. At some level, she probably already has her suspicions but is in denial. You can validate her concerns and outline some options for her.

 

[imperfectchristian]

What type of initial damage are you referring to?

Plus, why don't persons B and C have their own jobs?

sexual relationship. Person B and C both work part time.

by 'damage' do you mean of a physical nature? if so does the young lady 'A' know?

Person 'B' is in a bad place regardless of the circumstances and probably needs to leave immediately.

Person A is in denial. Person B does not want to leave or end what is going on.

This is either a disaster that has already happened, or one that will.

Its very bad, and what's compounding it is that the women are sisters. Sister B needs to move out and move in with someone else if she can't afford a place of her own. If this is not an option, both of them need to get a job so they're not in the house alone together. If they can't get a job, they need to volunteer at a food bank, homeless shelter, library, or anything as long as they're not alone together.

I'm not sure what you're relationship is with these people, but it seems that working with Person A is first. At some level, she probably already has her suspicions but is in denial. You can validate her concerns and outline some options for her.

I am 90% sure that the disaster has already happened. What is worse is that person B is (was) a virgin. (99% sure of it) so their is an emotional and physical bond that she has formed with person C (person A's husband) that is something she has never had to deal with.

I honestly had not thought about talking with Person A. I am really on the outside on this matter, but no one wants to do anything about it... the mother does not want to do anything (she is in denial as well and is kind of mental...does not even realize I am aware of the situation and would flip her lid if she knew that I was), the father is deceased (step father AKA my dad... has done a little, but not enough)

Person A is in denial but it seems is cracking over the weight of compounding evidence (that keeps building up over time)

Person B and C (from what I understand) have no desire or willingness to put an end to anything regardless of the consequences (a mentality of ...what is there to lose)

Person A and C have been on rocky ground as a marriage from the very beginning so obviously this is a pretty ugly situation.

Person A and B are both like my younger sisters.

 

[Desperaux]

What a terrible, heart-wrenching situation!

As a man, you need to confront C and tell him to end this--it's his home and marriage he is forfeiting. Tell him to end it, send B packing within 24 hours or you will go to A yourself. Then he must fess up to A, and make decisions together with her as to how the family will proceed.

 

[Faulty]

It's tough man.

Here's how I would most likely proceed. I'd take "C" out to a neutral public place, most likely a restaurant and explain my concerns in a non-threatening manner, to get his reaction. Then probably do the same for "A" and/or "B" if necessary. After that, I'd play it by ear.

The last thing you need to do if throw yourself forcefully into the situation as if you hold some position of authority. You'd probably just end up being resented.

Good luck.

 

[ralangley]

What a terrible, heart-wrenching situation!

As a man, you need to confront C and tell him to end this--it's his home and marriage he is forfeiting. Tell him to end it, send B packing within 24 hours or you will go to A yourself. Then he must fess up to A, and make decisions together with her as to how the family will proceed.

It's tough man.

Here's how I would most likely proceed. I'd take "C" out to a neutral public place, most likely a restaurant and explain my concerns in a non-threatening manner, to get his reaction. Then probably do the same for "A" and/or "B" if necessary. After that, I'd play it by ear.

The last thing you need to do if throw yourself forcefully into the situation as if you hold some position of authority. You'd probably just end up being resented.

Good luck.

I agree with both of these approaches. Since you're not a relative (or even if you were), you will probably incite the wrath of all parties. You could very well lose their friendship, so consider carefully what you do.

Have you prayed for revelation yet? If you have a small group or a couple of close friends that aren't aware of the situation, you might consider asking them to pray and see if they hear from God.

A part of me wonders if you might step aside and....do nothing. If the damage has been done, its done and I'm not sure how you can contribute to its resolution. You're most effective approach might be to love them, bless them with God's word, and surrender their lives and your concern for them to God. When the house comes crumbling down (and it most likely will), you'll be there for them (otherwise they very well might avoid you....forever). We've all made stupid mistakes in our twenties, and learned valuable, albeit painful, lessons from them. This might be a situation where you need to let them learn some tough lessons about love, life and the consequences of sin.

 

[Optimax]

Tough situation.

Faulty's advice to take c out is the way to start.

After learning what His reaction is then you would have more info as to a next step if any.

 

[Svt4Him]

Prov 26:17 He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears.

 

[Desperaux]

I'm not advocating going in like a bull in a china shop, but to pray earnestly about it, asking for wisdom, and leaving the results of the friendships up to God.

I have had an experience where I have had to go to a lifelong friend and speak of something painful about the behaviour of her family member. I was willing under God to lose her as a friend for the sake of the souls of those involved which needed steering and correction in a bad way.

I didn't lose her friendship--I gained much respect, and a relationship was saved, thanks to God and His help.

 

[imperfectchristian]

What a terrible, heart-wrenching situation!

As a man, you need to confront C and tell him to end this--it's his home and marriage he is forfeiting. Tell him to end it, send B packing within 24 hours or you will go to A yourself. Then he must fess up to A, and make decisions together with her as to how the family will proceed.

Don't get me wrong...I would love to level the hammer on the guy...he would not look me in the eye when we went to their house over Christmas which tells me he feels guilty, but that is a good thing and I would not feel right about being confrontational to him. It would proably work, but in this instance I don't know that that is what Jesus would do.

It's tough man.

Here's how I would most likely proceed. I'd take "C" out to a neutral public place, most likely a restaurant and explain my concerns in a non-threatening manner, to get his reaction. Then probably do the same for "A" and/or "B" if necessary. After that, I'd play it by ear.

The last thing you need to do if throw yourself forcefully into the situation as if you hold some position of authority. You'd probably just end up being resented.

Good luck.

I will give that some thought. I might actually have the most access to him because he is a guy. Most likely he will not go out to dinner with me. Thanks.

I agree with both of these approaches. Since you're not a relative (or even if you were), you will probably incite the wrath of all parties. You could very well lose their friendship, so consider carefully what you do.

Have you prayed for revelation yet? If you have a small group or a couple of close friends that aren't aware of the situation, you might consider asking them to pray and see if they hear from God.

A part of me wonders if you might step aside and....do nothing. If the damage has been done, its done and I'm not sure how you can contribute to its resolution. You're most effective approach might be to love them, bless them with God's word, and surrender their lives and your concern for them to God. When the house comes crumbling down (and it most likely will), you'll be there for them (otherwise they very well might avoid you....forever). We've all made stupid mistakes in our twenties, and learned valuable, albeit painful, lessons from them. This might be a situation where you need to let them learn some tough lessons about love, life and the consequences of sin.

Thank you for this post...this is usually the approach I try to take in dealing with everyone, but this situation has me in a very unsettled disposition. I'm not O.K. with just sitting back and watching them self-destruct. I also do not want to burn my bridges with them.

All of them seem to be pretty uncomfortable with me being around so it would require me being pushy just to get an opportunity to talk to any of them.

 

[imperfectchristian]

Thank you all for your advice and please feel free to share more thoughts...

I appreciate any prayers any of you feel led to pray in this matter... please ask the Lord to be merciful in this situation (whatever that means)

 

[imperfectchristian]

Prov 26:17 He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears.

That is the very reason I don't want to get involved...but I do care about everyone involved and I want to be a friend to all who will allow me to.

 

[Desperaux]

That is the very reason I don't want to get involved...but I do care about everyone involved and I want to be a friend to all who will allow me to.

It's not meddling when a brother sees a brother and/or sister sinning, to confront. Are they believers? If not, then it could very well be considered meddling.

 

[SharonL]

Isn't it amazing that we can always find such wisdom in the Bible for all situations.

Prov 26:17 He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears. Svt4him - your wisdom is showing.

This is exactly how it should be handled - whatever you do - you will become the victim - whatever they do will be blamed on you - they have not learned any lessons if you try to correct it. We all make stupid mistakes - everyone's house they build on the sand must be allowed to crumble or it will be held up with false actions.

It looks so simple from the outside, but the people involved do not see it, especially the young one - that is the one that will be hurt the most - the older one will go on with life and count his trophies - the young one will have lasting hurts - the 18 year old should be encouraged to leave the house if at all possible. Any way you look at it - the 18 year old will have the most bruises. (if its been going on for awhile - person C might have some legal problems because of age)

And speaking of bruises - person C would deserve a few (I know, I know - that is not the Christian thing to do - but he deserves it)

I speak so harshly because I have a step-son who was taken advantage of by an older close family member - he is now 48 - permanent damage is very obvious - studders badly - no self respect and even though I hold no bitterness - I could still mop up the floor with this person who inflicted the damage on an innocent boy.

 

[imperfectchristian]

Isn't it amazing that we can always find such wisdom in the Bible for all situations.

Prov 26:17 He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears. Svt4him - your wisdom is showing.

This is exactly how it should be handled - whatever you do - you will become the victim - whatever they do will be blamed on you - they have not learned any lessons if you try to correct it. We all make stupid mistakes - everyone's house they build on the sand must be allowed to crumble or it will be held up with false actions.

It looks so simple from the outside, but the people involved do not see it, especially the young one - that is the one that will be hurt the most - the older one will go on with life and count his trophies - the young one will have lasting hurts - the 18 year old should be encouraged to leave the house if at all possible. Any way you look at it - the 18 year old will have the most bruises. (if its been going on for awhile - person C might have some legal problems because of age)

And speaking of bruises - person C would deserve a few (I know, I know - that is not the Christian thing to do - but he deserves it)

I speak so harshly because I have a step-son who was taken advantage of by an older close family member - he is now 48 - permanent damage is very obvious - studders badly - no self respect and even though I hold no bitterness - I could still mop up the floor with this person who inflicted the damage on an innocent boy.

It's hard to sit back and watch it happen and say..."well that is the Christian thing to do." You know what I mean?

I also know that working the guy over would be what the devil would like. It would harden him and probably give him a way justifiying his behaviour.

 

[Desperaux]

If these people are Christians, the two who are sinning need warning, as we are exhorted in Scripture, especially for the sake of the one who is being hurt. Why would anyone allow that to continue? Does anyone care for her? Will she thank the ones who stood idly by?

We are our brothers' keepers.

Colossians 1:28
So we tell others about Christ, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all the wisdom God has given us. We want to present them to God, perfect in their relationship to Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:14
And we earnestly beseech you, brethren, admonish (warn and seriously advise) those who are out of line [the loafers, the disorderly, and the unruly]; encourage the timid and fainthearted, help and give your support to the weak souls, [and] be very patient with everybody [always keeping your temper].

 

[Svt4Him]

It's not meddling when a brother sees a brother and/or sister sinning, to confront. Are they believers? If not, then it could very well be considered meddling.

It is so. It's based on speculation and at the end of the day, the person meddling is the one who will lose. Unless someone is 100% sure, and unless they have the authority to speak into the situation and confront the sin, then it is getting involved in someone else's affairs.

 

[Desperaux]

Yes, it is necessary to know what authority we have. Losing a friendship is worth the trouble to save someone from sin, to set him on the right path.

Fear of man disguises itself sometimes. That's a tyranny we can do without.