I need prayer and support

[DeepSigh]

Hi, everybody! I'm a TOTAL newbie to this forum (this is my second post), and I hate to start off whining, but I'm here because I really need some prayer and support, and I don't feel like I can talk to the people around me. Y'all seem like a nice enough lot, so I thought I would dump it on y'all. Before I go any further, I would like to ask only for support and prayer. PLEASE no advice or "preaching" -- that's not what I need right now. I've been a Christian for over 30 years so I do know my way around God's Word ;-)

There's no way to tell the whole thing, that would take a book, but I'll just give you the gist. I'm in my mid-40s, have a teenage son and a husband I've been married to for 16 years. DH and I both suffer from clinical depression, we're both on meds. Mine seem to be helping, his don't really seem to be.

DH is a relatively new Christian, having come to the Lord only a little less than ten years ago. He came from a intellectual, non-Believing background so it's a miracle that He believes at all! But he has brought so much of that background with him (understandably), and it really gets in the way of his walk with the Lord. He says he can't read the Bible every day because it "brings up more questions than it answers," which is also why he doesn't like Bible studies. (Apparently they're all too "lame" for him.) He does love the Lord, and is faithful in our church. The big problem is that he never has learned how to trust God for all of life's problems and issues, whether they be work issues (of which he apparently has a lot), financial issues, family matters, whatever. So he is constantly under terrific strain. He expects me to be "the lifter of his head", and quite frankly, after over 18 years (including the time we were just dating), I just can't do this anymore. God somehow keeps me going, but I am so tired of having to deal with this, and I have so much anger bottled up at my husband that it just really isn't doing a whole lot of good for our marriage. Yes, we've seen marriage counselors (one of whom -- a male -- blamed me for everything, and the other who just wasn't very effective), we've been to marriage retreats ... they work okay for the short term, but the minute "real life" hits again, we're right back in the same pit. I have prayed, I have BEGGED God to help, I have asked Him to change my husband, to change me, to do SOMETHING, but nothing ever really changes. I don't know what to do anymore. I've had it with this guy! I mean, I love him with all my heart, but I have hit the proverbial wall (again) and this time I don't know how well I'm going to bounce back.

He is so concerned about us having enough money for retirement that we never go on vacations anymore, and we DESPERATELY need to. Just the other day he completely killed any hope of that by telling me there was no way we could do it, period, end of discussion. I won't go into the personality conflicts we have -- we're both somewhat strong personalities, but you'd think by now we would have learned how to adjust for each other. I feel as though he just isn't giving ear to the things I need (beyond food and shelter), but when I bring it up, he turns the whole thing back on me.

So I'm depressed. And feeling hopeless. Never mind that my spiritual life has been in the absolute wilderness for the last six years, since we moved from our old state to my home state, and from our old church to this new one that is struggling (but we feel it's where God wants us to be). I don't know where God is, what He's up to, I can't "feel" Him at all (I know, I know, that isn't supposed to matter, but I NEED that sometimes, y'know?) I am just worn out with this battle and I need a reprieve. Yes, I need my husband to change. I'm willing to, as well, but this one requires a change on his part, as well. I'm not going to leave him, but I dread living a life that is this dry and unfulfilling forever, especially when our son leaves home for college. (And all of this is bound to have some sort of effect on him, too. He's a bright kid, he's bound to sense something in the air.)

So .. HELP! I desperately need prayer. I need God to move soon, because I really don't know how much longer I can do this. I hate life as it is right now, and I know that's NOT what God wants for me, that's exactly what the Enemy wants. I don't want him to win, but I am SO TIRED.

Thank you all so much for letting me vent (in a novella-length post, no less!). I'm trusting that God has led me here for a reason.

Grace & peace to all of you who stuck with this post to the end!

 

[goldenviolet]

you have my prayers and blessings.

my family struggles with mental health issues. we had to arm ourselves with training to manage through it. at the same time in my devotionals; scriptures came to life in showing me how to apply the 'impossible' into daily practice. hi! i'm dee. a recovery moderator. i like to help people with finding skills, activities, or chat, that promote managing through depression. but here, i'm not sure if you'd like that, so i'll offer only.

i pray you find much exhortation in fellowship here! recovery is the right place to come seek prayers and fellowship, through trials.


20 having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone, 21 in whom the whole building, being fitted together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord, 22 in whom you also are being built together for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit. Ephesians 2:20-22

~ xo love dee

 

[cardfan1]

I know what you mean when you say you don't exactly want preaching or advice - just some prayer and encouragement. I read the bible often and feel like i've heard most of the encouraging verses and euphemisms that people like to give. While appreciated, they don't always provide that instant sense of relief you are searching for. I have found that what usually helps me the most is just having someone to relate with. so i guess i'll just share a bit...

I've been struggling with this depression stuff for about 4 months. I've actually had a pretty rough week in coping with the depression. I get so scared sometimes because of the feelings it produces. I question so many things in my life that mean so much to me. I just got engaged about 6 months ago. When the depression hit I thought that I had done something terribly wrong in my proposal, but i could never really pinpoint the exact reason I was feeling so bad. I questioned my faith, my fiance, my relationships, etc. I think one of the biggest causes is that my parents got divorced about 6 years ago. Now that I am engaged, I worry I will end up like them.

I really hope this doesn't make things worse for you - but one of the things i am most scared of is being in a situation like you just described. From your son's point of view, I can totally relate to what it is like being the child of parents who are struggling with their relationship. I can't relate to your own personnal situation, but I do know that it is rough to see your parents struggle, and yet try and keep their children from the pain. My parents were also both Christians, which made it very difficult to understand why there was a problem. Eventually my parents divorced, and it has had a long lasting effect on me that I am only now just fully realizing in my own relationship.

Again, i am not trying to bring about any further pain, but I wrote that to tell you this - I love my parents without end. They have provided me with a good Christian upbringing, and I am blessed to have them both in my life. I am the oldest of my siblings, so my parents often talked to me of their struggles. I don't know if this was a burden I should have beared, but I got a lot of insight on their relationship. I began to see that there wasn't as much of some hard, tangible problem between the two, but that they both had some deep rooted problems of their own, and they lacked communication in conveying their experiences with each other. To this day, I truly don't know why they couldn't work through it, and that has left some deep scars on my psyche. But I know that they could have. I can see that a lot of it was just being completely honest with each other and especially with themselves. Like you said, it would have taken changes within them both.

So PLEASE don't give up. Please don't give up. The Lord WANTS you to work through this. If you are both saved, the Lord does not want any relationship to falter. There is hope! I have seen what my parents have gone through, and how minute the real problems were in their relationship. It was just a matter of them BOTH looking inside themselves and being completely honest and trusting in the Lord. I know you can do it. I know how difficult this stinkin depression can be. How it plays with your mind and your feelings. but please don't give up on the Lord or your husband. I don't know your whole situation or have any advice on eactly what you or your husband should do, but I know that the Lord wants you to be in a happy relationship, and that He won't give you more than you can handle.

I will pray for you both, and I know that somehow you can work through this. Please be strong. May God bless you.

In Christ...

 

[DeepSigh]

Thank you both, dee and cardfan! I appreciate the encouragement from both of you.

cf, you didn't make me feel bad at all. It's good to get your perspective. I don't really share much with my son about the struggles his dad and I share as a couple, although he does know that we both have depression issues. Thankfully right now he isn't showing any signs of going down that road -- he's a pretty supremely confident young man! But I always keep my eyes open because I know it can be hereditary.

No, I never intend to divorce my husband, and he has said he never intends to divorce me, either. We both realize that love is a CHOICE, not always a "feeling", that sometimes when you don't feel like you love someone, you still can choose to love them. And we also both take our commitment to each other very, very seriously. It's "til death us do part". My brother recently went through a very painful divorce where his wife of 26 years just decided she was tired of him, she hadn't "lived" enough before they'd gotten married, and so she was ready to "start over". That really made DH and I angry, made us look even harder at what our commitment means to us, and we reaffirmed its importance in our lives.

This morning, of course, I feel a little better. Of course, he's at work and I'm not facing the "challenge" of his being here and having to know how to deal with his issues. I know that I love him, no question there. I'm just tired of the mopey face when he comes home, the withdrawal and the walls he sometimes puts up (I do this, too, so I can't exactly fault him for doing it), and feeling like I can never really discuss things with him because he has such a good way of turning things back on me. You know, his way is the one and only right way. (It's supposed to be the other way around, isn't it? ;-) ) Definitely communication is something we struggle with and need to work on.

So, again, I would really appreciate ongoing prayer, from those of you who are so inclined. I just hate to burden the people around me (my parents, friends, pastor) with too much of this. Besides that, they always have "advice" -- which either hasn't worked or isn't appropriate for our situation.

Thanks again to those of you who are listening!

 

[cardfan1]

DeepSigh,
one thing i noticed that you wrote in your post - that you and your husband have CHOSEN to love each other and that you are committed to staying together. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing that.

A big part of my own depression stems from my worrying about how my own marriage will turn out. when I see someone like you sticking through it even through the tough times, it gives me a lot of hope. I hope no one gets the wrong idea here - i love my fiance with all my heart and can't wait to be with her. but with this depression i find myself dreading those future situations that haven't even happened yet! it's like i want to make sure everything is just 100% perfect before i make such a large commitment. (even though i know it will never be perfect). so when i read that you are going through such a tough time and yet you are committed to your relationship - I just wanted to let you know it provides a wonderful example and gives great hope.

Thank you.

In Christ...

 

[DeepSigh]

Oh, cardfan, I'm so glad! I think it's honestly better to have a "contingency plan" in your head (i.e., "I know there will be days when we wonder why the heck we married each other, so I will CHOOSE to love her on those days, and our commitment WILL be our #1 priority."), rather than be all head-in-the-clouds like I was. I had a friend who gave me one of those multiple-snapshot frames at my wedding shower, and when she did she said, "This is for you to put pictures of the two of you sharing good times in. Then when you have rough times, you can look at these pictures and remember." And I thought, "HA! I won't need to do that!" Boy was I naive! (Hey, I was raised on Disney movies, and it was always "Happily Ever After", y'know?") So when I fell from those lofty, unrealistic expectations, I fell pretty far and pretty hard!

In all reality, DH is a terrific guy. There are so many wonderful things about him. I just wish I could keep them all in mind when he goes through these awful depressive spells. It's odd, because I know what depression is, I know you can't just "buck up" and be better because someone tells you to. You can't necessarily even "just turn your eyes upon Jesus!" as I often tell DH, because the messed up brain chemicals do weird things to your thought processes. But when he gets this way I just want to shake him and say, "Straighten up! Your life is good! Get over it and get happy!!!" If he did that to me I'd want to shoot him! (Thankfully he's not the violent type.)

So the weekend is coming up, and he'll be home soon. Please pray for us!

 

[goldenviolet]

ok... i know you asked for no advice or preaching. lol... but i'm not sure this counts.

i came back to see how you're doing. looks like you made a friend. awesome!

something you said jumped out at me:

So, again, I would really appreciate ongoing prayer, from those of you who are so inclined. I just hate to burden the people around me (my parents, friends, pastor) with too much of this. Besides that, they always have "advice" -- which either hasn't worked or isn't appropriate for our situation.

being in a trial and in need should be a blessing upon others: because they get to be the Hands and Feet of Christ. and a blessing to the church, because we're suppose to shape and build eachother. "bear ye one another's burden's"... and we know anything the Lord gives us, becomes a joy and benefit. so, it's another way to look at it. if your family feels burdened, then they too need ministering to... but it doesn't make you and hubby a burden. it's merely the cycle of life.

people give advice accoording to what they exsperiance and see. even if it doesn't help, does it give you ideas to seek out other avenues? does advice made you feel cared about or judged? and if it depends on circumstances, i understand (boy do i!), in general does it make you feel cared for? or because it's flawed in reguards to you applying it, does it become more depressing? i think the best advice comes from walking in your bother's shoes and understanding where his walk is directed (his vision). so i don't mean to give advice. i hardly know you. but i know everyone needs exceptance and fellowship. so if i sound 'mothering', it's just me. i love to love people. i'm not always quite sure if i'll sound preachy or lovie. lol i mean to sound friendly and loving. ~ xo dee

 

[goldenviolet]

.​

 

[DeepSigh]

Dee, no, you're fine! Really, the advice-phobia is primarily because I beat myself up with it. I.e., someone gives me advice, if it seems appropriate I try to apply it, it doesn't work, I've failed (yet again). I have a very serious problem with self-flogging. And some of the advice people have given me has really worked, and I'm very grateful. And some advice (like the Christian counselor I/we went to several years ago) did nothing but shred me to little bits and leave me bleeding all over the floor. Everything was, apparently, my "fault".

SO ... (in fear and trembling, she says) it's okay to give me a little advice. I do understand that it's mostly given out of love and concern. So that's okay. I'm just so afraid that if, for some reason, I don't try it, or I try it and it fails, that I will let down the people who have given it to me. I'm also very VERY afraid of "advice" that is really judgment in disguise.

See? I'm a total ball of fear and low self-esteem. Today I'm actually in a good mood (thank you all for your prayers!) and DH and I are getting along well. But there are days when I rip myself to shreds. I must have a failure complex.

Okay, so one thing I will reveal that may shed some light on "who I am" -- I had a severely emotionally abusive relationship with a guy for 3-1/2 years that ended about two years before I met my husband (so this was, like, over 20 years ago -- you'd think I'd've gotten over that by now, huh?). This guy pretty much stripped me of everything I was and left me with NOTHING but self-loathing and fear of emotional pain. And I've worked through a lot of it in counseling, but it still affects me. I don't know if it will ever not affect me. My brothers were a little emotionally abusive, as well, so I think all that together just about killed "me" (the person).

Anyway, gosh I hate to sound whiny! I have a good life, really. I just get in this pit sometimes and it's so, so hard to get out.

Thank y'all for listening to me!

 

[goldenviolet]

you do not sound whiney at all. fellowship and friendship should also include us to get support and understanding.and advice shoulde be for building eachother up. so, staff will not allow recovery forums to be used for debate, harsh posting, or critizing those who are wise and bold enough to reach out. lol. even if you don't feel wise and bold; you are.

out of everything you have said in your posts here; i observe you are in life. that's not a failure to have struggles. it's not even a flaw. it's just life.... that old saying: 'one day at a time' isn't overated. sometimes it's even one hour at a time. life's cycles of us being shaped and growing or barely managing through it all, can be quite exhausting.

take every bit of joy and pleasure you can find. God's blessings. the good days. the good times. a favorite song. a bubble bath. a nice hug. art work. a cuddle with your pet. a fav snack. search out to enjoy eveything you can. practicing finding comforts in our life is a good habit to replace discouragement... over even cover it up for a rest from worries and disapointments. ~ xo love dee

 

[cardfan1]

Dee, no, you're fine! Really, the advice-phobia is primarily because I beat myself up with it. I.e., someone gives me advice, if it seems appropriate I try to apply it, it doesn't work, I've failed (yet again). I have a very serious problem with self-flogging. And some of the advice people have given me has really worked, and I'm very grateful. And some advice (like the Christian counselor I/we went to several years ago) did nothing but shred me to little bits and leave me bleeding all over the floor. Everything was, apparently, my "fault".

SO ... (in fear and trembling, she says) it's okay to give me a little advice. I do understand that it's mostly given out of love and concern. So that's okay. I'm just so afraid that if, for some reason, I don't try it, or I try it and it fails, that I will let down the people who have given it to me. I'm also very VERY afraid of "advice" that is really judgment in disguise.

See? I'm a total ball of fear and low self-esteem. Today I'm actually in a good mood (thank you all for your prayers!) and DH and I are getting along well. But there are days when I rip myself to shreds. I must have a failure complex.

Okay, so one thing I will reveal that may shed some light on "who I am" -- I had a severely emotionally abusive relationship with a guy for 3-1/2 years that ended about two years before I met my husband (so this was, like, over 20 years ago -- you'd think I'd've gotten over that by now, huh?). This guy pretty much stripped me of everything I was and left me with NOTHING but self-loathing and fear of emotional pain. And I've worked through a lot of it in counseling, but it still affects me. I don't know if it will ever not affect me. My brothers were a little emotionally abusive, as well, so I think all that together just about killed "me" (the person).

Anyway, gosh I hate to sound whiny! I have a good life, really. I just get in this pit sometimes and it's so, so hard to get out.

Thank y'all for listening to me!

I don't know exactly what it stems from, but i know all about punishing yourself. A friend described it as "self flagellation". When I get so down he says, "Man, stop beating yourself up so much." (I really am blessed in so many ways).

I don't physically beat myself up, but mentally. for some reason I just expect that the worst is going to happen to me. I'll read too far into things, overanalyze, and then expect that the worst, most uncomfortable thing will happen. And I'm realizing that this can be very destructive. Especially in your spiritual life. A Christian should have that confidence in Jesus Christ that all we have to do is RECEIVE Him as our Lord and Saviour. When I start to beat myself up, I think I'm not doing enough and I begin to try to DO things to make it better. We all need to realize that there is nothing you can DO to make God love you any more. It's all about faith and trust in Jesus Christ that He will work things out for you. It doesn't mean we just sit on our butts, but we can't beat ourselves up thinking that we are failures and that the worst is going to happen. God is in control.

Anyway, sorry to get off on a tangent there, but that whole "self-flaggelation" stuff is something I struggle with.

Hope all is well with you and your relationship.

In Christ...

 

[DeepSigh]

Oh, man! I just typed a long reply and something happened and I lost it!! Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

To make a long, lovely, eloquent post short (because there is no way I can go back and re-capture what I had written) --

I had a good talk with my mom yesterday about my problems. I just had to, there was no way I could keep from it. She's always been my "go-to" person, and I finally just spilled everything. And it was wonderful, and I'm so glad I did it! She really listened, didn't give me advice, commiserated on some things ... in short, I felt so much better afterward. Not necessarily about the situations, but telling her helped me put my feelings into words, and since she was being very compassionate and nonjudgmental, I was able to just be very frank and blunt about things. I told her I really hated dumping it on her, that I know she has enough "offspring stresses" with my two brothers, but she said that didn't matter, that God had put us here for each other, that there are often things that we can tell each other that we can't tell anyone else, and that it gives us a chance to know how to pray for each other. My mom rocks. She's not perfect, but boy am I glad God has allowed me to keep her around! She's 75, and I hope I get to keep her at least as long as she's gotten to keep her mother (who is 94 and still going!).

And then today I got a chance to talk with my dad about my husband. Usually if anything comes out of my mouth about my DH that is the least bit critical or negative, my dad will say, "Now, he's your husband and you need to be supportive," or something similar. But today he just listened (we were more talking about DH's view of himself, his struggles at work, etc.), and he admitted that it must be hard to live with him, etc. It was good just to have that conversation, so I'm glad God provided that opportunity.

Thank you all so much for your prayers -- I can tell they're working. It's not so much that I've got anything solved or "feel better" about the situations. But I feel like it's okay to admit that my life isn't perfect, that my husband and marriage aren't perfect, that I'm afraid of the kind of life that's ahead of me if he/we never change, and that I'm afraid that I/we will screw up somehow and our son won't turn out to be the man of God we want him to be. And then I can leave that in God's lap and let Him deal with it. Because I have tried for YEARS to fix things, and I just can't. It isn't working. I've just gotta give up striving for now or I'm going to self-destruct. (Spiritually that would be a good thing, but I'm talking emotionally here.)