I need more patience or understanding ?

[bluegreysky]

I really need more patience with my husband.
So he's in college at age 28 and getting an accounting degree
that he may later move on for an MBA or he may use for its purpose
or he may use it to help him start up a software engineering company.
He took 18 credit hours this semester, but he's smart... he doesn't have to study 24/7 like some people.
But the last few weeks, he HAS been in his little office room and won't really come out or do anything with me.

He says he's just working on a project, and it's not that I don't believe him- I pop into the office all the time and he's got excell stuff on the screen
but it's torment for me.

I get paranoid real easy so my mind starts messing with me and I think maybe he's really watching porn or chatting with a girl and just covering it up with the homework. Then I tell myself he wouldn't and try not to think that. Because he's not. I sat in there for 2 hours yesterday and he didn't take his eyes off the project he's doing.

Then there's the matter of my childhood-
only child, no siblings, homeschooled. For a few years, mom was sick with depression and something else where she was tired all the time and stayed in bed alot. Dad worked long hours and then went out on the weekends to sell cameras and valuables and trade them as a hobby/extra income.
I was left alone to let my imagination entertain me.
We didn't have cable TV or video games and didn't have a fancy computer that could do much until I was 10 or 11 so I had my stuffed animals, my legos, my back yard, my nature studying kits... and that was my whole life. I felt trapped alot. Even though life could have sucked more, I didn't see that when I was little I just saw the neighbor kids that were my friends getting to go out to water parks and movies with their parents every weekend and getting to have slumber parties and cookouts and I didn't and I felt trapped in my solitary confinement.
I wasn't allowed to wander past the back yard, so I knew better than to run away to the library or downtown or catch a bus to the mall unless I was escorted by my parents or a friend's mom. My mom could strike the fear of God into me. Good reason, she knew that sex offenders lived on the next block over.
I remember many crying fits between ages 6 and 11... I thought mom and dad were going to take me out for a day at the park or the mall and we got to that day and mom wasn't feeling well and dad had to work.
I remember being angry at my mom for being sick and also terrified that she was dying.
She wasn't.
She's fine now... mostly. still kind of frail. but much healthier. her diet was to blame for alot of it.
(But now whatever was wrong with her hormones and autoimmune and allergies is wrong with me to a degree and now I have to fight depression and allergies and fatigue at times and I have to eat a special diet)

Because of the anxiety I suffered as a child, I now have a hard time being calm and mature when my husband has to stay in his office working on a project night after night and all weekend.
I'm not confined to my house I can go out and go to the city and the beach and do whatever... but we are still newly married (ish) and I have an urgency in my heart that we need to spend quality time and do marriage enrichment... and so when he won't budge, won't go out for dinner or go for a long walk with me or he wants to not go to church,
I panic.

And we get in a fight about it. And I get called "selfish" for wanting to take him away from his school projects.

Now what?

 

[.chrys.]

I know I'm not helping when I say this, but a single school project really shouldn't take all that long. He may need to get help from an academic lab or something.

 

[bluegreysky]

He said it was because he was doing the group project by himself "because the other 3 people in the group are stupid"

 

[Odetta]

Actually, college projects can indeed take that long. Particularly if he's taking on four times the work.

However, that's not necessarily healthy. Breaks are a good thing - helps you focus better when you get back to your work. Instead of making it about you wanting some of his attention, maybe you could approach it as a coffee break or a short walk is in his best interest.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

Or ask if you can help with the project. I helped my wife with all sorts of stuff when she was doing her Bio major.

 

[bluegreysky]

Haha sorry I no don't how do to math, I forgot how to brain
statistics r for smart peeple i are dumb

 

[WalksWithChrist]

Haha sorry I no don't how do to math, I forgot how to brain
statistics r for smart peeple i are dumb

Sounds like me. Most of what I did was carry stuff and weigh minute strips of sea grass.

Grunt work.

 

[ValleyGal]

First, even if the others in his group are "stupid", it is still necessary to do the work as a team, not in isolation. There is a reason college instructors expect groupwork - to develop group skills and getting along well in collaboration with others - and giving up the control of doing all the work yourself. I hope your husband reconsiders and actually does group work. He needs to develop team skills.

I'm not confined to my house I can go out and go to the city and the beach and do whatever... but we are still newly married (ish) and I have an urgency in my heart that we need to spend quality time and do marriage enrichment...

Here's a new twist. You've been married a year, so it seems like quality time is still in that honeymoon-style focus on each other. But... right now, your husband needs time to work on his education - that is quality time, even though for now the attention is elsewhere. So why is it quality time? Because when he has his degree, you will be able to afford doing quality things together more than you can now. Additionally, giving him the space to do his work will increase his respect for you and his love for you - absence makes the heart grow fonder (as long as it's not too long), and he will see that you recognize how important it is for him to do well.

Also, if you give him that space he needs to focus on something other than you, when it is time to come together, he will likely be more invested in focusing just on you since his homework will be done and he will not need to worry about it while he is with you. With greater focus on you, the quality of your time together will be even greater than what you imagine it might be if he were to give you the attention and quality time when you want it rather than when he is able to give it. It will be worth the wait.

 

[bluegreysky]

gosh I sure hope so.
Right now I'm in such a funk and desperation I kind of would rather have his attention, begrudgingly, that I took away from these dumb projects then nothing at all...

 

[Odetta]

Perhaps you need to stop thinking of these things as "dumb projects" and more as an investment in your future, re: what VG said.

In my experience, I found college work to be more significant in terms of time burden than working life, with the exception of certain industries. However, if he does accounting, tax season will also likely be time burdensome. Having emotional problems due to his lack of attention due to legitimate work reasons is something you're going to need to address for yourself to not put additional burden on your husband.

That said, there is a difference between a person meeting work time crunches and being a work-a-holic. If he ends up being a work-a-holic, then that is an issue he needs to address, and you need to address how you deal with it as well. If he simply has times were over-time is necessary for work crunches and it makes you upset that he has to do it, then that is more your issue.

 

[bluegreysky]

I know, it's just one of those things that puts me in a perpetual state of panic.

He asked me why I can't support him like this girl who was going to our church supports her husband... he pulled out of a good job and moved his family 2 hours away to go to seminary last year and she posted on facebook and everywhere else how proud she was of him and my husband is like "why can't you do that!?"
and then I realized ... she has a toddler and a baby to chase around all day. she doesn't have time to think about how lonely she is because he's been gone at school all day and then come home and locked himself in his office all weekend...

So having a baby or 2 to chase around and look after 24/7 is the key?
But I don't think I'm ready to have kids yet?

 

[ValleyGal]

If you're not ready to have kids, then don't. After all, by the time you get pregnant and then endure the pregnancy, chances are he will be at least a year closer to his graduation and will then have time for you. But then you won't be able to enjoy it because you would have a newborn.

Instead of fretting about him not spending time with you, realize that it is not up to him to entertain you. What do you like to do? Read? Cross-stitch? Work out? Sew? Visit with your friends? Invest in a hobby? Take this time and do some of the things you like to do without your husband. That way you will keep busy and won't get so anxious about it.

Supporting a spouse through school is challenging sometimes. This fall, IDay is going to be doing his internship (40 hours a week) and also his last online course (likely another 10-15 hours a week). He will not have time for me. He will not have time for helping with housework or meals or anything. Hopefully my company will get the contract we bid on and I will still be working full time, and even with that, I am prepared to be fully responsible for all the home. I know that when he is able or has a bit of an easy week, he will help when he can. But on weekends, we usually spend a day together on a date - I will not expect that in the fall. I recognize that it is a short time he needs to focus on the last thrust of his education, and I respect his need for a quiet and clean environment that will be conducive to studying. I will not take it personally that he can't spend time with me....it's not about me.

There are phases in our lives that will demand more attention than others. College requires more of our attention during that phase...when it's done, the attention once devoted to studies will be freed up to devote to something else. Right now, you are a newlywed, so you want to give him all your attention. When baby does come along in a few years, he will likely be settled into his career and is able to devote all kinds of time to you, but you will be busy devoting more time to baby than to your husband. That is completely normal, but that too, will pass. What do you think your husband should do when your attention is suddenly taken up with your newborn? Do you want him to respond to you then the way you are responding to him now?

He has a legitimate need for space right now. Yes, it's hard for you....but it is worth it, just like it will be worth it when you are a new mom and will need a little space from him to attend to your baby.

You are learning about how to balance life demands with marriage. This is a good opportunity for you to find out how you can best support and love your husband through times that are stressful for him, so next time you can anticipate his support needs... it's all part of becoming one.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

I know, it's just one of those things that puts me in a perpetual state of panic.

He asked me why I can't support him like this girl who was going to our church supports her husband... he pulled out of a good job and moved his family 2 hours away to go to seminary last year and she posted on facebook and everywhere else how proud she was of him and my husband is like "why can't you do that!?"
and then I realized ... she has a toddler and a baby to chase around all day. she doesn't have time to think about how lonely she is because he's been gone at school all day and then come home and locked himself in his office all weekend...

So having a baby or 2 to chase around and look after 24/7 is the key?
But I don't think I'm ready to have kids yet?

Try not to compare yourself to anyone else. It's your marriage, and it's your feelings.

I remember when my wife was in grad school, we barely saw each other. I wondered if we would break up. But as soon as she finished, we moved and our lives very quickly merged back together.

It can be quite difficult to see how things will change after the projects and the exams will be over. But they will be over one day.

 

[bluegreysky]

Instead of fretting about him not spending time with you, realize that it is not up to him to entertain you. What do you like to do? Read? Cross-stitch? Work out? Sew? Visit with your friends? Invest in a hobby? Take this time and do some of the things you like to do without your husband. That way you will keep busy and won't get so anxious about it.
.

Yeahhhhhhhh if by "stitch" you mean "go to the mall" and by "sew" you mean "go on Pinterest for ideas to look for at the mall"

He had some free time last night so we sat down and watched a movie together, sat on the balcony and listened to the whirporwhill out there and ate dinner together and talked. Now I feel much better.
But tonight, he will be gone late (school project). and so will i (bible study).
We usually go to bible study together.

I am feeling sad again.

 

[strwy]

Bluegreysky , ,

Try not to allow the devils lies manipulate your mind .If you dwell on his lies the anxiety will get worse .

If possible pray for God's strength or read the Bible .I pray that may help .

My husband is a non-believer and it is very hard at times . I know your is a believe I am solely mentioning that to point out that marriage is difficult at times but Jesus will get You through this .
Strwy



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[.chrys.]

Have a good time at Bible study, and remember that you're there learning for two. Your husband can't join you tonight (for good reason), but he needs you to go because he needs you to learn more about God's awesome plans! You might be surprised what you learn tonight, and when you are able to see your husband again, share it with him!