I Need Help

matt84 said:

I need some help or advice, I initially made this post on reddit a little bit ago when I was in a worse place, but I'm a bit better now so there is no need to worry about me.

I just don't know what to do any more. I'm 40 years old, gay, Christian, diagnosed with autism, and my depression has been getting worse and worse. I have been taking care of my mom since she had her hip and knee replaced, and still needs another hip replacement. She is a fall risk, and has now has had more memory problems as of late. I have no friends, no relationships, all I have is her, and I refuse to tell her how I'm feeling. My mom worked 3-4 jobs to take care of me and my siblings and did a good job. Out of my 40 years on this earth, I have had 2 friendships, each lasting only about year. I have had 1 relationship when I converted to atheism, but he just wanted my money, and didn't care for me at all. I had always been somewhat suicidal since I was in my late teens, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do that to my mom. But the older I get, the harder it's becoming.

It's gotten progressively worse since hitting 40. I see guys with their wives and kids and I desperately want that. I want a family so much but I'll never have one. I have prayed and prayed begging for God to take the gay away and take the autism away so I can be normal, so I'm not alone; but it never happens. It's not like it matters though, even if a gay relationship wasn't considered a sin, if I can't even form friendships then an actual relationship is a stretch. And even if I decided I just wanted to adopt a child, nobody is going to give a child to a 40 year old single gay autistic guy with no support system or friends. I would mess that kid up worse than I am.

And it's not like I don't try to make friends. I have held a job pretty much non-stop since I was 16. I have gone to quite a few churches, I have gone to 3 different colleges for 3 different degrees. I tried to socialize with coworkers and other students, none of them ever evolved into a friendship. It's obvious the problem lies with me, but nobody ever yells me what I'm doing wrong, why they dislike me. When I had my friend around 19 years old, I had a job and other than bills most of my money went to doing stuff with him (hanging out, movie tickets, games, food, etc.). I was plenty generous and tried to be nice.

I became a Christian when I was about 18 and went to a church every Sunday and youth group every Wednesday night. Nobody really talked to me during Sunday service, and it took almost a year to make a friend in the youth group. And that wasn't until one night after another youth group of having nobody to talk to, I talked to the youth pastor, I literally went to him crying after everyone had left asking how to make friends. I still remember his answer "Just talk to people, you'll make friends easy." And I've been told that by many people, but it never held true for me. The next Sunday morning, two of the more popular kids who were twin brothers in youth group came up and started talking to me and asking if I wanted to play basketball. We talked for a bit and played basketball and they left after church, and to hang out with them some more and try to make friends I did some stuff that would be considered creepy looking back.

During that year I still went to youth group, tried to make other friends, but it never happened. And even with the 2 brothers, if I wanted to do anything with them I almost had to invite myself as I was never invited. When they left and moved away, I left that church and shortly after I became an atheist. I hated God for what he made me and I was angry. I still didn't manage to make any friends at work or outside work. Last year I don't know why but God or something brough me back to Christianity, and I was hopeful this time would be different. But sadly its no different and no better. Every time I see a kid with their father in a tv show, YouTube, or movie now, I can't stop but tear up.

I tried every local church I had that looked decent. I went a couple of days to weeks in each one. And never had more than a few words, and that was with the deacons greeting people. So right now I am struggling with that as well. People say God can be your friend, Jesus can be your friend, but I just feel like I'm talking to myself. I never get any type of reply, sign, feeling, nothing. It just feels like any other one-sided conversation I am having in my head.

I just don't know what is wrong with me and why God won't help me. I've heard of God having people live in celebacy, but they weren't alone, they had friends. Am I just supposed to live whatever left of my life completely alone?

Click to expand...

matt84 said:

I need some help or advice, I initially made this post on reddit a little bit ago when I was in a worse place, but I'm a bit better now so there is no need to worry about me.

I just don't know what to do any more. I'm 40 years old, gay, Christian, diagnosed with autism, and my depression has been getting worse and worse. I have been taking care of my mom since she had her hip and knee replaced, and still needs another hip replacement. She is a fall risk, and has now has had more memory problems as of late. I have no friends, no relationships, all I have is her, and I refuse to tell her how I'm feeling. My mom worked 3-4 jobs to take care of me and my siblings and did a good job. Out of my 40 years on this earth, I have had 2 friendships, each lasting only about year. I have had 1 relationship when I converted to atheism, but he just wanted my money, and didn't care for me at all. I had always been somewhat suicidal since I was in my late teens, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do that to my mom. But the older I get, the harder it's becoming.

It's gotten progressively worse since hitting 40. I see guys with their wives and kids and I desperately want that. I want a family so much but I'll never have one. I have prayed and prayed begging for God to take the gay away and take the autism away so I can be normal, so I'm not alone; but it never happens. It's not like it matters though, even if a gay relationship wasn't considered a sin, if I can't even form friendships then an actual relationship is a stretch. And even if I decided I just wanted to adopt a child, nobody is going to give a child to a 40 year old single gay autistic guy with no support system or friends. I would mess that kid up worse than I am.

And it's not like I don't try to make friends. I have held a job pretty much non-stop since I was 16. I have gone to quite a few churches, I have gone to 3 different colleges for 3 different degrees. I tried to socialize with coworkers and other students, none of them ever evolved into a friendship. It's obvious the problem lies with me, but nobody ever yells me what I'm doing wrong, why they dislike me. When I had my friend around 19 years old, I had a job and other than bills most of my money went to doing stuff with him (hanging out, movie tickets, games, food, etc.). I was plenty generous and tried to be nice.

I became a Christian when I was about 18 and went to a church every Sunday and youth group every Wednesday night. Nobody really talked to me during Sunday service, and it took almost a year to make a friend in the youth group. And that wasn't until one night after another youth group of having nobody to talk to, I talked to the youth pastor, I literally went to him crying after everyone had left asking how to make friends. I still remember his answer "Just talk to people, you'll make friends easy." And I've been told that by many people, but it never held true for me. The next Sunday morning, two of the more popular kids who were twin brothers in youth group came up and started talking to me and asking if I wanted to play basketball. We talked for a bit and played basketball and they left after church, and to hang out with them some more and try to make friends I did some stuff that would be considered creepy looking back.

During that year I still went to youth group, tried to make other friends, but it never happened. And even with the 2 brothers, if I wanted to do anything with them I almost had to invite myself as I was never invited. When they left and moved away, I left that church and shortly after I became an atheist. I hated God for what he made me and I was angry. I still didn't manage to make any friends at work or outside work. Last year I don't know why but God or something brough me back to Christianity, and I was hopeful this time would be different. But sadly its no different and no better. Every time I see a kid with their father in a tv show, YouTube, or movie now, I can't stop but tear up.

I tried every local church I had that looked decent. I went a couple of days to weeks in each one. And never had more than a few words, and that was with the deacons greeting people. So right now I am struggling with that as well. People say God can be your friend, Jesus can be your friend, but I just feel like I'm talking to myself. I never get any type of reply, sign, feeling, nothing. It just feels like any other one-sided conversation I am having in my head.

I just don't know what is wrong with me and why God won't help me. I've heard of God having people live in celebacy, but they weren't alone, they had friends. Am I just supposed to live whatever left of my life completely alone?

Click to expand...

matt84 said:

I need some help or advice, I initially made this post on reddit a little bit ago when I was in a worse place, but I'm a bit better now so there is no need to worry about me.

I just don't know what to do any more. I'm 40 years old, gay, Christian, diagnosed with autism, and my depression has been getting worse and worse. I have been taking care of my mom since she had her hip and knee replaced, and still needs another hip replacement. She is a fall risk, and has now has had more memory problems as of late. I have no friends, no relationships, all I have is her, and I refuse to tell her how I'm feeling. My mom worked 3-4 jobs to take care of me and my siblings and did a good job. Out of my 40 years on this earth, I have had 2 friendships, each lasting only about year. I have had 1 relationship when I converted to atheism, but he just wanted my money, and didn't care for me at all. I had always been somewhat suicidal since I was in my late teens, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do that to my mom. But the older I get, the harder it's becoming.

It's gotten progressively worse since hitting 40. I see guys with their wives and kids and I desperately want that. I want a family so much but I'll never have one. I have prayed and prayed begging for God to take the gay away and take the autism away so I can be normal, so I'm not alone; but it never happens. It's not like it matters though, even if a gay relationship wasn't considered a sin, if I can't even form friendships then an actual relationship is a stretch. And even if I decided I just wanted to adopt a child, nobody is going to give a child to a 40 year old single gay autistic guy with no support system or friends. I would mess that kid up worse than I am.

And it's not like I don't try to make friends. I have held a job pretty much non-stop since I was 16. I have gone to quite a few churches, I have gone to 3 different colleges for 3 different degrees. I tried to socialize with coworkers and other students, none of them ever evolved into a friendship. It's obvious the problem lies with me, but nobody ever yells me what I'm doing wrong, why they dislike me. When I had my friend around 19 years old, I had a job and other than bills most of my money went to doing stuff with him (hanging out, movie tickets, games, food, etc.). I was plenty generous and tried to be nice.

I became a Christian when I was about 18 and went to a church every Sunday and youth group every Wednesday night. Nobody really talked to me during Sunday service, and it took almost a year to make a friend in the youth group. And that wasn't until one night after another youth group of having nobody to talk to, I talked to the youth pastor, I literally went to him crying after everyone had left asking how to make friends. I still remember his answer "Just talk to people, you'll make friends easy." And I've been told that by many people, but it never held true for me. The next Sunday morning, two of the more popular kids who were twin brothers in youth group came up and started talking to me and asking if I wanted to play basketball. We talked for a bit and played basketball and they left after church, and to hang out with them some more and try to make friends I did some stuff that would be considered creepy looking back.

During that year I still went to youth group, tried to make other friends, but it never happened. And even with the 2 brothers, if I wanted to do anything with them I almost had to invite myself as I was never invited. When they left and moved away, I left that church and shortly after I became an atheist. I hated God for what he made me and I was angry. I still didn't manage to make any friends at work or outside work. Last year I don't know why but God or something brough me back to Christianity, and I was hopeful this time would be different. But sadly its no different and no better. Every time I see a kid with their father in a tv show, YouTube, or movie now, I can't stop but tear up.

I tried every local church I had that looked decent. I went a couple of days to weeks in each one. And never had more than a few words, and that was with the deacons greeting people. So right now I am struggling with that as well. People say God can be your friend, Jesus can be your friend, but I just feel like I'm talking to myself. I never get any type of reply, sign, feeling, nothing. It just feels like any other one-sided conversation I am having in my head.

I just don't know what is wrong with me and why God won't help me. I've heard of God having people live in celebacy, but they weren't alone, they had friends. Am I just supposed to live whatever left of my life completely alone?

Click to expand...