I need help

[chaoticfirefly]

Hey everyone, um, I'm chaoticfirefly, just call me firefly and I need some advice on SI:

It seems like every time I feel like I can go months without self-harm, something triggers it and I want to hurt myself and more often than not, I do and I just want to recover.

I keep telling myself I'm not perfect and I don't have to be perfect and that I don't need SI to keep myself calm but it's the only thing that keeps me from bawling my eyes out. It's gotten to the point that I feel the need to hurt myself even if I'm at work and I make one little mistake.

How do I combat this? I've tried prayer, I've tried taking breaks whenever I get triggered, I've tried texting friends or talking to my coworkers but nothing else helps. I'd wear a rubber band but "it's not part of uniform". I can't get therapy because insurance doesn't cover it and I'm a college student living off of minimum wage at a fast food restaurant.

 

[Criada]

Hi Firefly
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It sounds as though you are doing well most of the time, if you are managing months SI free - that's very good.
I know it doesn't help when you are feeling the urge - but you can be proud of that acheivement.
There's a list of ideas here which might help - a few of them have helped me through difficult moments.

Praying for you, sweetie, and here if you need an ear - or a shoulder to cry on. PM me any time

 

[NoddaProbBob]

I agree with Criada. If you've been able to go long term without SI, that's a huge and wonderful feat!
I understand your frustrations with your job. When I worked at my previous job in retail, I took the opportunity to use my breaks as SI time when I messed up and made mistakes. And I was a manager.
Have you thought about seeking other employment? If you're in college your school should be able to help you find something more suitable or at least provide you with some assistance.
Have you checked to see if your school offers any counseling services? Often times colleges have those services available or know where they can send you for free or sliding scale fee counseling. It's worth looking into.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

 

[chaoticfirefly]

There are counselors, but every time I go there, I have a panic attack and run off before I can talk to any of them. And I don't know if I can trust them enough not to say anything to other people, despite it being college. Bad experiences in the past, with my past therapist. The only good psychiatrist I had retired and became a missionary and to help people in other countries. He retired about eight-ish years ago now...

There are other places, but mostly fast food and one place that requires helping the disabled but I can't even take care of myself, so there's no way I can take care of someone else.

Thank you, you two.

 

[Criada]

I know it can be really hard to talk to someone new - especially if you've had a bad experience in the past. I couldn't do it for a long time... but eventually I started writing down what I needed to talk about and letting my therapist read it... it helped when trying to talk that I knew they already knew the issues and I didn't have to be coherent!
It might be worth trying...

Praying for you, sweetie

 

[NoddaProbBob]

I understand your feelings about going to see someone. It's something you truly have to be ready for. In my case, I had to feel like I hit rock bottom in order to force myself to go. I don't have issues with anxiety, but I thought I was going to pass out or vomit when I went for the first time. I could hardly breathe. I don't know how I got the courage to drive there, let alone get out of the car. But I did.
I looked at my alternatives: prolonged needless suffering, death, emptiness, etc. Or, momentary discomfort of anxiety for the first few sessions.
My rock bottom was realizing that I was truly capable of ending my own life and that I had planned and almost attempted to do so. Recognizing what you're truly capable of is sobering and scary all at once. At that point, I realized I had nothing left to lose so I ought to try something more practical than just letting death win.
When you're ready to go, you will go. Fight your panic attacks with the fuel that you're in needless suffering. You never know what could be unless you take the steps to get there.
You're in my prayers!

 

[drjean]

(((Hug))) Please realize that self harming is a symptom, not the issue. You harm yourself in an attempt to cope, just as you said, when you were triggered...

Anxiety can be difficult to overcome, but maybe with practice of giving yourself good messages, you can get to therapy? First, breathe. Generally when someone is anxious they begin to hold their breath; this makes her feel worse and feeds the anxiety.

Now find a few messages for yourself, write them down and repeat them, especially as you make an appointment and as you keep that appointment.

I'll suggest a few, but you need to have them in your words or at least be able to accept them for yourself.

"This won't kill me."
"I can do all things, including this, with God's help. "
"God is helping me."
God wants me to get healthy."
"This is going to help me be healthy in the future."
"Doing this isn't the end of the world, though it may feel like it."
"Breathe. Focus on my breathing and the other thoughts won't bother me so much."

Now, you might wish to ask for an email contact at the beginning, if you truly can't get to an appointment. They won't be able to do that for long, but maybe it can help you get to feel comfortable with a counselor there, or the thought of seeking help. And that's another issue, can you think about what it is that is causing your anxiety? Often people are anxious because they don't know what to expect from a therapy/counseling session. Nothing occurs that you can't control, or even leave. Talking happens. Someone who is giving their time and energy to try and help you understand why you are feeling the way you do, is there. They care. They probably understand better than you can imagine.

There are methods you can learn that will begin to lessen your need for self harming behavior. Eventually, you can learn how to prevent beating yourself up (literally and figuratively) in the future. You don't deserve to hate yourself. If you could change on your own, you would have already. You do need outside help.

Be well.

 

[StormHawk]

Here is a video testimony of someone who was healed of panic attacks (2nd video down from the top)
click here.

 

[Solus Christus]

You said you do it because you don't want to bawl your eyes out, but what's wrong with that? Showing emotion is not a bad thing. I've realized very recently that when I SH, it's usually because I keep emotions inside, I don't communicate what I'm feeling to whoever is hurting me, or whoever can help. Keeping things bottled up only hurts you even more in the long run.