Well let me throw in here, I am also an intellectual. I think thats what makes so much anxiety over the whole situation. Yes their are some people who just put their faith in God and never question anything, and you can tell that God honors that because they are blessed with peace beyond understanding. I have an analytical mathematical mind, that is why it took me 14 years to recieve the gift of Tongues. Because I kept trying to "figure it out" and didn't just do it. My wife got the gift on accident while praising and worshipping. Which goes to show the different types of mind, recieving the things of God.
About faith, the Bible says for salvation to take place, you must first believe in your heart. This is great news because if God expected our minds to always line up 100% with our hearts, we would all be in big trouble. I know that when I am having severe mental doubts about God or His promises, yet my heart longs to do His will, I know I am pleasing to Him. If you are going to wait until your mind and thoughts completely 100% are coupled with the Bible, then well your in big trouble. The issue here is with your heart. When you know that your sin seperates you from a pure and sinless God, and you also know that our creator made a way back home to Him, your heart aches. And thats where believing in your heart, and then the second part which is confessing with your mouth. And all the while your mind may be saying "this is stupid, this isn't real", it doesn't matter. It isn't your mind lining up 100% with biblical theology that gets you to heaven, its a simple repentance and acknowledge of the need of Christ. Your brain mind is a whole other battle ground that as long as you live, whether as a Christian or not, will be a battle that is forever fought.
I have never known of God turning anyone away, if you want a relationship with Him, He will give it. Everyone is different, for me I was barely hanging on by a thread to Him for quite a long time, and I am getting firm footing again. There is a reason Jesus called this life a narrow path, and a small door. Their is a reason why in the parable of the sower, only 25% of people who hear the Gospel message, actually live for Him. And of those 25% in the parable of the wise and unwise virgins, 50% of those didn't have enough oil in their lamps, and lost their chance to be with the Lord. It is difficult obeying Gods word. I personally think their is way more proof and evidence of the God of the Bible than needs to be. I have had demonic encounters as a child, that to me is physical evidence of the spiritual world merging with our world physically. Such is instant healings and the 9 gifts of the Holy Spirit. Their is just way to much evidence. But their has to be some unkown or else it wouldn't be faith. And without faith it is impossible to please God, you know that. And you don't have to try to invent faith, the Bible says Christ gives every people a measure of faith. When you truly repent, he will give you enough faith to make it through. You just have to act on that faith, whether is be tiny as a mustard seed or gigantic faith like King Davids.
Speaking in tongues doesn't help the poor, hungry and sick. It helps the individual believer. These are to help you not only to be signs and wonders for unbelievers, but to also help a Christian be edified in their faith. Their has to be a balance, between the Christian helping the outside world. But also the Christian constantly building themselves, or else they will stumble and fall. God is just as concerned with your own personal growth, as he is with how you interact with the rest of the world. That is what church is for, it was designed so Christians could be built up again, after having the world tear them down all week. Without gifts of the Spirit, regular church attendance, and other self edifying things; a person would either backslide from God, or be a very tired worn out and spent individual. According to the Bible, speaking in tongues has 7 or 8 main purposes. I wont go through them all, but one is "building yourself up on your most holy faith". Which I think is in the book of Jude. And when I had almost no faith left, because my mind went absolutely nutso, and I was having panic attacks 10 times a day, speaking is tongues is what kept me from just completely snapping.
And you say you study the Bible so much, but its not showing in your idea of God. Simple fact is that the only way we know anything about God, is through His Bible. So if we look at the Bible we see that God created Adam and gave the earth to Adam. Adam owned the Title deed to earth. When Adam sinned, he gave his title deed to Satan. Fast forward thousands of years and we see what that means, death, hate, distruction, disease. God saw that depraved state and came to earth to give us a way out.
Think about it, not even the angels got a second chance when they went against God. We as humans and Gods beloved creation, have a second chance. I can't even hardly fatham God, leaving His throne and his glory to come down to the filth of earth. Especially after the human race spit in His face by going against Him. Anyways, so when people are born, they are born into sin. And by default belong to the devil. Its only through accepting Jesus' sacrifice, that God snatches that title deed and we now belong to Him. It is really simple, we die while satan has the deed to our life, we go where satan exists, in hell. We accept Christ, and when we die we go to where He is, into heaven, into glory. God did his part by giving us a second chance, the rest is up to us.
Hell was never even meant for humans, it was only for the angels and their punishment. But by joining forces with the devil, humans got a new destination to be with him for eternity. It's wild but it's true. God sends no one to hell, you are heading into eternity at 60 seconds per minute, and you get to decide the destination. It's so awesome, God didn't make us mindless robots, He gave us freewill and choice, just as He gave the angels. Don't be mad at God, blame Adam and Eve! lol. The Bible isn't just a book, its a contract. God cannot break that contract, he must follow it to the "T". He really can't do whatever he wants, because he can't go against His own Word. But I believe he does the best he can within his own contract. Every promise in the Bible is apart of that contract, and God has to follow through. So that is good news, when doubt comes.
Anyways, im not going to "convince" you to become a Christian, no one is saved that way. But I honestly believe you have been given so much of the worlds view, that it makes it nearly impossible to see Gods side of the story. I hope I threw a little bit of weight on Gods side of the scale to make you really think. If you are wrong about pantheism, it will be an absolutely horrible mistake on your part, that you will get the rest of eternity to regret. If I am wrong about Christianity, then I guess I will become part of the universe and turn into energy, lol. But the thing is I know im not wrong, I have had more than enough supernatural experiences with the God to rest assured in my heart.
