I need help

[hopelesslyinlove]

Hello all. Please take time to read this, it could be long. I am posting here because I have what could be a serious problem and I am struggling with it very much. First off I am a Christian and have been in church almost my whole life. I have been a guest here for a while, just lurking. Never joined until now. I don't really have anyone I can say anything too without this getting too bad. My struggle:

Almost a year ago I met two of my best friends who are married. For privacy's sake we'll call them Fred and Tonya. I now work with them both. This is hard to say and I can't quite put it into words. Tonya and I have become very close. We joke around and play around and just have a good time. We also just like being together. Fred is one of the best friends I have ever had, but I find myself more and more each day falling in love with his wife, Tonya. She calls me her "other husband." Well, we were talking the other night and she was telling me she always dreams about me. I do the same thing, there is not a night that goes by that I don't have a dream about her. Ugh... I know it is wrong but I just can't stand to be away from her. I have had plenty of girlfriends and about two serious relationships and I haven't felt half of what I feel for Tonya. Guys I know it is wrong and completely against God's word. I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to her about it because... well it could ruin the friendship we have, and my friends are all friends with them too. What do I do? I have been praying for a clear mind and guidance but it just gets harder and harder. We haven't done anything together, but I fear something could happen. I cannot stand to be away from her. I know some of you are gonna say "just break things off," or "just don't talk with her." It is not that easy. I feel I love her far too much to be able to. I struggle with this day and night. Please .

 

[Onlythingavailable]

That's a really messy situation, but you probably know that already. I think the most important thing for you is to make God your number one priority. He and His will need to be more important than your love for Tonya and your friendship with Fred. If you follow this, you will be alright. This is something Jesus promised.

I'm really no expert, but I only see two options. None of them are really good. If you break things off with her, you're going to act differently around her. Sooner or later your friends will notice this and maybe rumours will start going aruond, which could destroy your friendship(s). If you don't do anything and just continue as you are now, there's a large chance you will commit adultery, which would be even worse, and would most certainly destroy your friendship(s). If you love her, you don't want to wreck her marriage and cause her to sin.

The Bible says to flee temptation and to cut off your right hand if it causes you to sin. Jesus also said looking at a woman and lusting is already adultery. I suppose what I'm saying is that these three Bible passages make it impossible for you to go on as you are now. Pray to God for forgiveness, strength and wisdom. May He grant you all three and a way out that doesn't hurt anyone. I'll pray for you and your predicament.

 

[hopelesslyinlove]

ive tried, i mean really really tried. i just cant get her out of my mind. no matter what i do. i have spent days just fasting over it and to no avail . i just dont know what to do. you gave a great answer though and i thank you very much for it. i pray for forgiveness every night. i just dont know what else i can do.

 

[madison1101]

Check out the website www.harvestusa.org

They are a Christian ministry that addresses sexuality issues. They may be able to guide you through this situation.

I don't know how old you are. There are stages in our development when the pull toward the same sex would be stronger than other stages.

I would also commit some serious time to Bible study and prayer. Cry out to God to take these urges away from you, and protect you from Satan's fiery darts.

 

[Catherineanne]

Almost a year ago I met two of my best friends who are married. For privacy's sake we'll call them Fred and Tonya. I now work with them both. This is hard to say and I can't quite put it into words. Tonya and I have become very close.

Hello, hopeless. I am really sorry for the situation you are in, but maybe I can help a bit, I don't know.

First of all, step back and think about what love is, and what it is not. The first thing that love is not is lust. Lust is fancying someone, and wanting sexual fulfillment from them, and perhaps wanting to give them that same fulfillment. This is not love.

Love can lead to sexual fulfillment, in some situations, but that is not a necessary part of love at all. It is perfectly possible to love someone for years and years and years and never take this step with them. Maybe this is going to be possible for you; I hope so.

So, you say you love this lady, and I am going to assume that you mean what you say, and that it is love we are talking about. So, what does love entail? Love is about giving, not about taking. It is about considering this lady, and her spiritual and emotional wellbeing, and then acting in her best interests on both counts.

If you are a Christian and she is a married lady, then it is in her spiritual and emotional interests for you to cool your relationship with her as much as you can, and increase your time spent with her husband. Learn to love him as much as you love his wife, and then you will be unable to do anything to hurt either of them.

If you do not do this, then you are all likely to get hurt, one way or another. If you do it, then perhaps you can move through your intense feelings at present and into something a bit more like brother and sister love, which is every bit as fulfilling and meaningful, but expressed in a much more wholesome, much less damaging way for you all, than the way you are heading.

So, by all means love this lady. But make it Christ's love, which is about self sacrifice, giving and caring for her wellbeing above everything else.

I do not believe in lots of different kinds of love. I believe there is only one kind of love, but that if the expression of that love is centred on what the other person needs for their emotional and spiritual wellbeing, then there is no room for abuse of any kind, in any relationship. So I can love lots of different people, and the expression will be different, depending on who they are, but the love is the same.

Time to love Fred.

 

[hopelesslyinlove]

Check out the website

They are a Christian ministry that addresses sexuality issues. They may be able to guide you through this situation.

I don't know how old you are. There are stages in our development when the pull toward the same sex would be stronger than other stages.

I would also commit some serious time to Bible study and prayer. Cry out to God to take these urges away from you, and protect you from Satan's fiery darts.

Thanks Madison, but I am a guy.

Hello, hopeless. I am really sorry for the situation you are in, but maybe I can help a bit, I don't know.

First of all, step back and think about what love is, and what it is not. The first thing that love is not is lust. Lust is fancying someone, and wanting sexual fulfillment from them, and perhaps wanting to give them that same fulfillment. This is not love.

Love can lead to sexual fulfillment, in some situations, but that is not a necessary part of love at all. It is perfectly possible to love someone for years and years and years and never take this step with them. Maybe this is going to be possible for you; I hope so.

So, you say you love this lady, and I am going to assume that you mean what you say, and that it is love we are talking about. So, what does love entail? Love is about giving, not about taking. It is about considering this lady, and her spiritual and emotional wellbeing, and then acting in her best interests on both counts.

If you are a Christian and she is a married lady, then it is in her spiritual and emotional interests for you to cool your relationship with her as much as you can, and increase your time spent with her husband. Learn to love him as much as you love his wife, and then you will be unable to do anything to hurt either of them.

If you do not do this, then you are all likely to get hurt, one way or another. If you do it, then perhaps you can move through your intense feelings at present and into something a bit more like brother and sister love, which is every bit as fulfilling and meaningful, but expressed in a much more wholesome, much less damaging way for you all, than the way you are heading.

So, by all means love this lady. But make it Christ's love, which is about self sacrifice, giving and caring for her wellbeing above everything else.

I do not believe in lots of different kinds of love. I believe there is only one kind of love, but that if the expression of that love is centred on what the other person needs for their emotional and spiritual wellbeing, then there is no room for abuse of any kind, in any relationship. So I can love lots of different people, and the expression will be different, depending on who they are, but the love is the same.

Time to love Fred.

no, it isnt lust. i have heard that before, thats not it, its not how i feel for her. no, its love, every moment of my waking life i just want to be with her, talk to her, have fun with her, do things for her, make her smile, make her laugh, just be hers. i have had girlfriends before. and i have been in two serious relationships. none of them have come even close to the way i feel for her. she brought me dinner tonight. i couldnt stay in the room it hurt too much. ugh, i feel bad.

i do love Fred. he is one of my best friends in the world... and probably the best friend ive ever had.

 

[allthatisgone]

Their marriage is more important than your friendship with either of them. Marriage first, friendship second. You have no right to be desiring/in love with another's wife. So back off.

You must be stern w/ yourself in this matter. From experience I know there's a great extent to which you can restrain your feelings if necessary. It's harder once you've given way to them, but seek God day and night for Him to remove them. And stay away from the source of temptation.

 

[Petunia]

Thanks Madison, but I am a guy.
no, it isnt lust. i have heard that before, thats not it, its not how i feel for her. no, its love, every moment of my waking life i just want to be with her, talk to her, have fun with her, do things for her, make her smile, make her laugh, just be hers. i have had girlfriends before. and i have been in two serious relationships. none of them have come even close to the way i feel for her. she brought me dinner tonight. i couldnt stay in the room it hurt too much. ugh, i feel bad.

i do love Fred. he is one of my best friends in the world... and probably the best friend ive ever had.

John 15:13 (King James Version)

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

You're not as helpless as you'd like to believe. If you love them both.. let 'that kind of love' DIE. Let it go.

 

[hopelesslyinlove]

small praise report. they got into a big fight earlier tonight (about what i am not sure). she left and asked me if she could stay at my place. i said no. i could have very easily (and almost did) say yes. but i said no. thank you all very much for your kind words and helping in this matter. only time will tell how this works out... hopefully for the Glory of the Lord!

 

[0145xyz]

wow! good job for saying no.
So if they are fighting, and if things aren't meant to be with them, maybe things are meant to be for yall to be with each other. I know, I read all the other posts and everyone says marriage is sacred, but they don't know anything about "fred and tonya"'s marriage. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Just because 2 people are married doesn't mean they are meant to be together forever. Some people get married for stupid reasons, like accidental pregnancys, one is rich and the other wants to benefit, one pressures another, one's parents pressure one, to get legal citizenship into a country, because they are drunk, who knows?

I'd be asking questions about "fred and tonya's" marriage being in the wrong not whether hopelesslyinlove is in the wrong.

 

[maidenoftruth]

My husband and I have both read your thread and belive that you are bordering on the lines of adultery, one of our close friends has been in a similar predicament that ended badly. I understand that you can't tell her how you feel as it may be recipricated and it may break up their marriage. However, at this specific moment in time you wish those feelings to be reciprocated or maybe even feel you need these feelings reciprocating, the fact of the matter is that you don't want to loose your friends or break up Tonya and Freds marraige. The bible fequently speaks of sacrifice and I believe that the only way to stop this predicament reaching a point you don't want to reach is that you should sacrifice your friendship with this couple in order to save their marraige. Self-sacrifice is the strongest form (in my humble opinion) of sacrifice. To sacrifice your friendship with Fred and Tonya will yes cause you pain but you will be doing this to save both of them from even more pain of the break up of marraige.

Even so I alos belive that this predicament is a very hard one to be in and at the end of the day this choice is yours and yours alone.

I pray that you receive forgivness and that your situation becomes easier to handle and ends smoothly without causing you too much emotional pain.

hugz to you maiden x

 

[Catherineanne]

i do love Fred. he is one of my best friends in the world... and probably the best friend ive ever had.

If this is really true, then I fail to see how you can be in love with his wife. Sorry to be so unsympathetic, but if you love Fred as you say, surely you would move three thousand miles away, rather than allow yourself to fall in love in this way, or risk his wife falling in love with you.

 

[Catherineanne]

I'd be asking questions about "fred and tonya's" marriage being in the wrong not whether hopelesslyinlove is in the wrong.

This is not the time to question this marriage, nor are we the people to do it.

If this marriage were to fail, and this new relationship take over in a few years time, that is another matter. But at present one row does not make a divorce, and the place of a friend is to support a marriage, and to encourage both partners in that marriage.

The place of a friend is also to control his feelings, in the knowledge that there are more important things than that. Such as honour, and respect, and love.

 

[If Not For Grace]

I know it is wrong

Then you know what you need to do.

There are no buts....

 

[LoG]

I've been in your shoes and I have been in Fred's.

First off, take a baseball and beat Fred within an inch of his life. He will go through less pain and heal faster than if you, his "best" friend, messes with his wife, regardless of the challenges he may be going through in his relationship at present. The fact that she came to your place after a fight with her husband says a lot on how far this has gone.

You aren't bordering on adultery, you have already committed it. It's called "emotional adultery". When a man sets himself up as a "surrogate" spouse for a vulnerable wife, giving her emotional support that she may or may not be getting from her husband, it is achieves no different effect than a player who preys on lonely women. This may sound harsh but if you were only to realize the incredible pain your actions can cause to both the husband and the wife you may think twice about where this is leading.

A relationship built on this type of foundation will not be a pleasant one. For now the powerful feelings of what you believe to be love are masking the feelings of guilt and remorse which are sure to come in a year or two if you actually go so far as to hook up with her. In a couple of years the intensity drops as it does for everyone and then the problems start. You will be saddled with a woman who has by her past actions shown that she can be enticed to leave a husband. Then if it can happen to Fred, have the humility to realize that it can happen to you and in fact more than likely will. Each successive time becomes easier. Your ability to trust her will be constantly challenged. The time may come that you get the oppurtunity to experience the exquisite pain of a jilted spouse. There truly is nothing quite so painfull if you really loved her.

Your reputation among your friends will be lost since you have proven yourself to be untrustworthy around their present or future wives or girlfriends. Anyone who knows you well would be best to keep a very wary eye on you when you are around their mates. With friends like you, who needs enemies? When you for your own pleasure, are willing to steal from another man that which is most valued by him, you put yourself in the spiritual company of the lowest types of thief.

I pray you don't take advantage of her present circumstances by justifying that she isn't with her husband now. By taking the relationship to deeper levels you quite possibly could ruin any chance of God bringing them back together.

There are very good reasons why adultery is condemned in the bible. No matter how great you feel the love to be, you will ultimately regret it.

 

[jgt46]

You are letting yourself desire another man's wife. Like was said by others you have committed emotional adultery. The devil is tempting you to follow your selfish desires and you can't let him win. Your freinds are married and in love they are one in the eyes of god. The best thing you can do is stay away from her for a while. Lust is definetly leading you astray. Pray and ask for strength.

 

[hopelesslyinlove]

jeez... kinda got the third degree from you all. i havent told the whole story and i really dont want to. there is a lot more behind all of this, just so you all know. which i am not saying makes it right, btw, but there are a lot of underlying things and it kills me to see the pain in her eyes. it really does hurt.

 

[BelindaP]

There is no greater love than that a man lay down his life for his friend.

That right there says it. If you love your friend, you will give up your relationship with his wife.

If you are a Christian, then your one goal in life is to be Christ-like. What would Jesus do in your situation. Would he continue to feed the affair? (Yes, it is an affair.) The problem is not only with your love (or is it lust?) with this woman. The problem is that you are leading her into sin, as well. If you really loved her, you would die before making her sin.

You imply that she is having a hard time right now, and you are her emotional support. Well, that's what God gave girlfriends to women for. She does not need a second husband. What she needs is an upright and moral Christian who has the sense to tell her to seek pastoral guidance, or if she's not a Christian, to witness Jesus to her. You will not be capable of doing your Christian duty to this woman if you keep wanting to get with her.

The Bible calls for us to confess our sin to one another. That means that you need to confess your sin to her and her husband and beg forgiveness. I imagine after you do that, it will be much easier to avoid temptation, because they will avoid you!

I know I sound rather harsh, but I have been in love and I have been in lust. The one where you can't stop thinking about a person for any reason is lust. Even if you rationalize that you are thinking of ways to help and support her, you are in lust, especially if you cannot stop the fixation for any length of time.

 

[hopelesslyinlove]

There is no greater love than that a man lay down his life for his friend.

That right there says it. If you love your friend, you will give up your relationship with his wife.

If you are a Christian, then your one goal in life is to be Christ-like. What would Jesus do in your situation. Would he continue to feed the affair? (Yes, it is an affair.) The problem is not only with your love (or is it lust?) with this woman. The problem is that you are leading her into sin, as well. If you really loved her, you would die before making her sin.

You imply that she is having a hard time right now, and you are her emotional support. Well, that's what God gave girlfriends to women for. She does not need a second husband. What she needs is an upright and moral Christian who has the sense to tell her to seek pastoral guidance, or if she's not a Christian, to witness Jesus to her. You will not be capable of doing your Christian duty to this woman if you keep wanting to get with her.

The Bible calls for us to confess our sin to one another. That means that you need to confess your sin to her and her husband and beg forgiveness. I imagine after you do that, it will be much easier to avoid temptation, because they will avoid you!

I know I sound rather harsh, but I have been in love and I have been in lust. The one where you can't stop thinking about a person for any reason is lust. Even if you rationalize that you are thinking of ways to help and support her, you are in lust, especially if you cannot stop the fixation for any length of time.

i too have been in lust. this isnt it. this is more different than anything. like i said, i have been in two serious relationships (almost got married once) so i know. and i have had a lot of girlfriends. i know the difference between love and lust.

in any case, i guess ill just have to figure this one out myself. haven felt too welcome here so i am out. thanks though for everyones replies and trying to help. i know it took some time to write your posts and i thank you for your time. bye

 

[Mr.Cheese]

You gotta get out of that deal.
Otherwise you are demonstrating a lack of respect for her marriage, her husband, and their vows they made before God.
Your feelings should not control you.
You both know the right thing to do.