I need help

ok, well I have some questions and if they are too personal then just say so.
How long have you been married and how long has it been loveless? Is it loveless on your part alone or both? Does he hurt you mentally, physically or sexually? Why do you not love him anymore? I know that after awhile things gets a bit 'crazy' and you may feel like you've lost all feelings but maybe if you got back to where you were before this then you can get those feelings back. Whatever he does that makes you dislike him or not love him anymore (with the exception of abuse and adultery) then try to let it go and move on. Every marriage has its problems but it is worth it in the end to stick it out through the rough times. The grass always looks greener on the other side but you will never know the real happiness you can have that comes only with an enormous amount of work and acceptance of other peoples faults if you keep moving from pasture to pasture.

Well good luck to you. Hope all works out but I will say this.
When I was 16 I got married, didn't really love him and didnt really want to get married but did it anyway. It lasted almost 5 yrs. You cannot make yourself love someone, either you do or don't. It is best to get out now instead of waiting 20 yrs and wasting your life away because of security and familiarity. Starting over isn't as hard as everyone thinks it is, you BOTH will be happier in the long run and if he wants you to do most of the changing then he really doesnt love you for who you are either. So whats the point in staying with each other? You both should go find someone that makes you happy and you can love unconditionally.
BTW, it is not a marriage in God's eyes because both of you broke the vows you took to love each other unconditionally, good times and bad etc. Once those vows are broken, the marriage is null and void.
I usually don't make a habit of telling others what they should and should not do but you said you needed help and that is my 2 cents worth.

I will keep you in my prayers.

I would highly suggest getting marital counselling at your church. This is the best way to resolve this and work through your turmoil.

Remeber, God does not sanction divorce. He only allows for divorce when the partner commits adultery. It is your duty to work through it. It is not weakness that keeps you in your marriage, but strength. This is one of satan's ways of decieving you. He makes you think your strength is your weakness. Good job sticking it out and reaching out for help. God works in ways we don't always expect. His answer to your prayers could be the strength to post your question here and the guidance that you get (not necessarily mine, but anyone's).

I will pray for you to have peace in your marriage.
God bless you,
Dave

Please do NOT listen to those that say your marriage is null and void. This is absolutely wrong and terrible advice!!!!! There is no Scripture to back this up, period. God says, through Paul, that when a man and woman couple, they are one flesh. Most take this to mean marriage, but in reality, it is sexual relations. You can not separate what is one. Breaking a vow does NOT negate the marraige. Only adultery gives you the option of divorce. Please go see your pastor for counselling. It sounds like you are getting some very poor adivce here so far.

I'm not condeming you. Many have checkered pasts. I have a very checkered past in this regard and I am paying for it now. All of our sins are forgiven, but they do have consequences, especially if we knew they were wrong when we committed them- which I did. Please go talk to your pastor. If you do this without God's Will in mind, you will probably find yourself in a graver position than you are in now. God wants you to be happy and will lead you there. I am not a marital counselor, but someone in your church is. They can help bring you peace. I do not know the intricacies of your situation and do not ask that you share them. But, you have come to a point where you can soar above this, in that, you have realized that you can not rely on yourself for resolution of this through your own faulty reasoning (human reasoning is faulty while God's is not- this is a general statement and not directed at you specifically). That is good. God is the only one who can bring you through this.

If you are saved, then you have no need to fear condemnation from God. God deals with His children differently in regards to sin than He deals with those who are not saved (Hebrews 12).

Honestly, my heart cries out for you to be able to resolve this. Few posts here affect me like your posts above have. I am cheering for you to get this resolved! Marriage is a sacred institution and I am SO glad to see that you have had the strength so far to keep it together despite your hardship. I hope this is resolved soon and will pray that it is.

Dave,

God does not want someone to stay in a marriage when the two people obviously don't love each other the way a man and wife are suppose to. Do you really think God wants us to spend our lives unhappy and in turmoil? I don't think so.

Sometimes it is best to move on with your life and start fresh. You will get absolutley nowhere if you stay in a loveless marriage and it only makes everyone involved unhappy including the kids. Divorce is not easy but then neither is being apart of a family that is unhappy and in such pain. It will get easier. If these friends were true friends they'd stand by you and hear you out. They probably get nervous talking about this because they are unhappy in their marriage and just pretending to have such a great and happy life. I went through that, I know. I know we don't know each other but I feel your pain and have been through it. If you ever need someone to talk to, someone to listen to you, I am here. I cast no judgment. Whatever decision you make, you have to make for yourself and stand by it. If you want my email, PM me and I will give it to you.

God Bless you and Keep you

Rachael

Please let me gently remind you that things tend to look especially discouraging when you're expecting a child. All those hormones have a powerful influence on your brain. If you can just remind yourself that some of what you're feeling is chemically induced, and will pass, it may help you keep some perspective. I have been through the prenatal blues myself so I can really sympathize with you.

That's not to say that your marital problems aren't real. You and your husband both need godly advice and mentoring. If your so-called friends are no help, keep looking, or see your pastor. If DH won't come to counseling with you, go alone. The fact that your husband will temporarily shape up when you threaten to leave shows that he is capable of treating you better. Perhaps your pastor will need to confront him on the way he takes you for granted. You really need more support than you can get from a message board.

One more thing about divorce. Have you really thought about the consequences for your children if you go through with it? They need their daddy, even if you don't need your husband. And they especially don't need their mom to be distracted with the pursuit of a new relationship. I don't feel any condemnation for you, quite the opposite in fact, but I think it just wouldn't be right to rip their home apart for anything less than adultery or physical violence.

I have read these posts and felt compelled to say a couple of things that I hope and pray you will find strenth in.

First, it is the yeilding of our situations over to God's control that brings us peace. We can not have real peace until or unless God is giving it to us through the power of the Holy Spirit that is living within us. This requires total control given over to God and conplete trust in God. It is not an easy thing and usually takes time but it is in this yeilding that peace comes and you will find the answers that you seek.

Secondly, let me give you a bit of marital advice, that I have found very helpful in our marriage. Marriage is a physical picture of an eternal truth, it is a example of how Christ relates to the church. This image of Christ's relationship, then becomes the map as it were for our relaionship with our spouse. We read and study the scriptures often about the marriage relationship but we never really talk about what that means. Take some time, hopefully with your husband but if he refuses, it will help you now and in the future no matter what you do, to find out all you can about what God intends marriage to be. Never assume you know what it means but rather look for the relationship and scriptures that tell us how Christ's relationship with the church is and should be then apply these same principles to your marriage. I guarentee you you will not be disappointed.

And please, ask God to give you the wisdom you need, He says that He will give that wisdom.

May God grant to you wisdom and peace in accordance with your hearts desire.

Jenifer,

I empathize with you. First of all, let me tell you how much God loves you and He will meet you where you are right now in your marriage. For each person, God knows your hurts and is willing to work with you, as long as it doesn't go against His very nature. God does ordain marriage, and whether we got into for the right or wrong reasons, He is the author of marriages.

I have been in a marriage that was all wrong for me and I knew it before we got married. I should've listened to God instead of others, but I went ahead and got married. Our marriage was hard & seemed doomed in the beginning. My husband then did not know how to lead in marriage and I didn't know how to follow or submit. We both are Christians, but had dysfunctional relational pasts. We didn't know how to work it out, despite Christian counseling...and we prayed. Ultimately, my extreme unhappiness, poor self-esteem and listening to the lies of Satan lead me to commit adultery. My husband then forgave me, but I simply couldn't accept that and our marriage ended in divorce. We were married 5.5 yrs and it was miserable the majority of time.

Looking back, was it salvagable? I don't know, but if God is God and I believe the Bible, the answer would probably be Yes. I wanted to be out of that marriage early on, but because I knew God hated divorce, I stuck it out. I really hadn't submitted to the will of God, although I tried. I wanted to do it on my terms, and I did not come across anyone that was equipped to help me deal with the issues we had.

I still carry some of those hurts into the marriage I now have. Early in this marriage, we had to have a lot of Christian counseling, praying together as a couple. Sometimes I didn't think we would make it, but God intervened as we both humbled ourselves and submitted to the authority of God in His Word. I truly believe I would've had a 2nd divorce, but my husband took a stand for our marriage and there was no way on earth we are getting divorced despite our problems & issues.

When I felt weak, he would say we need to believe and trust in God. We would sink deeper into God's Word and see what it had to say about our lives and marriage. We also changed churches to one that we saw that other's had hurts and were working through them. The church we go to is very transparent, loving, and just awesome. We took a couple class where this awesome couple leads. That helped us so much. We also took other courses as a couple and began to see how God could mold our lives and make the wrongs something that would be things that would help us empathize with people.

I have no easy answer for you because you are not me and God has something different for each of us. I do know His Word applies to His people and it is true. When we go against His Word, there are consequences. I still face the consequences of my choice to divorce my first husband. I regret not listening to God. But, God has been very merciful and gracious in my life. That has drawn me closer to Him than anything. I've had to grow up quite a bit, and growing up is tough.

God loves you and know how much you hurt in this marriage. He wants to make it right. If both you and your husband are willing to submit to God's authority in your lives, I know that He will bless your marriage, and where once there was loveless, it will be filled with love. This is something you strongly need to take before God, and I know you have. Just keep doing it. If you can find the right counselor, they can be so helpful. But, if you have the wrong counselor, they can further divide you...which was a situation I had.

My prayers and heart go out to you,
Doris

hisbloodformysins said:

I am having turmoil in my soul. I've prayed about it- hope this brings some resolution. First of all, I have been struggling with negative thoughts about my marriage.

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http://www.christianforum.com/t127603

I know this sounds crazy, but I honestly feel bad about myself for staying in this marriage. My mind tells me I'm crazy, why stay in a loveless marriage with a man I don't love.

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http://www.christianforum.com/t127631

I feel like I do it because I'm weak. Because I'm afraid of getting out of this comfort zone.

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http://www.christianforum.com/t148157

And I have prayed that God will reassure me that it's his will, because if you want to know the truth, even though the bible says God hates divorce, I seriously have doubts about this.

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1 John 3:4 - Every one who commits sin is guilty of lawlessness; sin is lawlessness.

Romans7: 2 Thus a married woman is bound by law to her husband as long as he lives; but if her husband dies she is discharged from the law concerning the husband.

Listen, I really do know what the bible says about divorce, yet my feelings are swayed by it- nor will logical "well, this is what the bible says so...." will help either.

I need a better, more reasonable reason why- to put my soul at ease.

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Acts 7:53 - you who received the law as delivered by angels and did not keep it."

Mark 7:8 - You leave the commandment of God, and hold fast the tradition of men."

Because I feel like I'm putting all this effort into something that God can make good- in his time, but I don't even want this marriage, yet I'm making all kinds of effort to keep it good.

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Matthew 6: 5 "And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.

Since when is there another child on the way?

I have been in your situation...in a downright miserable and loveless marriage. It was that way for the first three years and it seemed there was no end in sight. God had warned me to keep intimacy out of the relationship until after marriage and I disregarded it. There were consequences to that, but God held my hand and lead me through it. He's been faithful even in the midst of my disobediance to Him.

I hate to disappoint anyone, but God's first priority is not our happiness. In fact, he uses our times of misery and trouble to teach, guide, comfort and "grow us up". It was absolutely miserable and heart wrenching, when I was in the middle of it. I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I have to confess I did a lot more crying than praying. My heart goes out to you. I also entertained thoughts of "starting over". I did think that I had chosen the wrong man and made a terrible mistake. I also looked back and wondered if I missed any messages from God that this marriage wasn't His Will.

Finally one of us left and asked for a divorce, citing the reason as "God wouldn't want us to spend the rest of our lives unhappy. It's not fair to either of us." That right there is one of Satan's most powerful weapons against marriage, which he abhors. A week passed and the one that was left fell down and prayed and confessed and God sent support and encouragement. The next day, God told the one that left (and this was audible and is a direct quote) "You are directly disobeying me!" The one that left came home and since we have been in and out of love, happy and unhappy, bored and excited, frustrated and encouraged. Through all of our changing emotions and feelings that come and go, God has given us peace.

To avoid that point where one of us left would have taken just one of us turning all our focus towards God and giving the whole thing into His hands. It doesn't have to be both of you, just one (you). Whatever happens on your husbands end is in God's hands. You don't have to trust your husband to respond. You only have to trust God, no matter what happens God will not leave you and he WILL see you through it. Please keep your promise to God. No matter how hard He may have tried to warn you, He now sees your marriage as a promise between the two of you and Him. He will not rest until he has brought the two of you, as a couple into a relationship with Him or until one or the until both or one of you harden your hearts to the point of no return. Please don't make the latter happen to you. Bringing the two of you together glorifies Him, the latter never does.

I am praying for you and your husband. Keep your promise. God will give you everything you need to do this. God is faithful!

HIsblood I am sorry you are still suffering, but I know God would not let it continue if there was not a reason. We are supposed to rejoice in adversity, is it easy NO, do I always rejoice in adversity NO. But I do try to remember it when it feels like I am trying to push a boulder up hill, it does not make the boulder get any less heavy or the hill less steep but it does renew my strength that I will keep pushing that boulder til it goes over the hill or I die trying either way I am going to do it to bring glory to His name.

One question, Hisblood do you and your husband talk much. From your post it seems like you almost never communicate.

Whitestone

sarah marie said:

I have been in your situation...in a downright miserable and loveless marriage. It was that way for the first three years and it seemed there was no end in sight. God had warned me to keep intimacy out of the relationship until after marriage and I disregarded it. There were consequences to that, but God held my hand and lead me through it. He's been faithful even in the midst of my disobediance to Him.

I hate to disappoint anyone, but God's first priority is not our happiness. In fact, he uses our times of misery and trouble to teach, guide, comfort and "grow us up". It was absolutely miserable and heart wrenching, when I was in the middle of it. I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I have to confess I did a lot more crying than praying. My heart goes out to you. I also entertained thoughts of "starting over". I did think that I had chosen the wrong man and made a terrible mistake. I also looked back and wondered if I missed any messages from God that this marriage wasn't His Will.

Finally one of us left and asked for a divorce, citing the reason as "God wouldn't want us to spend the rest of our lives unhappy. It's not fair to either of us." That right there is one of Satan's most powerful weapons against marriage, which he abhors. A week passed and the one that was left fell down and prayed and confessed and God sent support and encouragement. The next day, God told the one that left (and this was audible and is a direct quote) "You are directly disobeying me!" The one that left came home and since we have been in and out of love, happy and unhappy, bored and excited, frustrated and encouraged. Through all of our changing emotions and feelings that come and go, God has given us peace.

To avoid that point where one of us left would have taken just one of us turning all our focus towards God and giving the whole thing into His hands. It doesn't have to be both of you, just one (you). Whatever happens on your husbands end is in God's hands. You don't have to trust your husband to respond. You only have to trust God, no matter what happens God will not leave you and he WILL see you through it. Please keep your promise to God. No matter how hard He may have tried to warn you, He now sees your marriage as a promise between the two of you and Him. He will not rest until he has brought the two of you, as a couple into a relationship with Him or until one or the until both or one of you harden your hearts to the point of no return. Please don't make the latter happen to you. Bringing the two of you together glorifies Him, the latter never does.

I am praying for you and your husband. Keep your promise. God will give you everything you need to do this. God is faithful!

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That was very well written and Spiritually uplifting....... and COMPASSIONATE too I might add. Bless you sister.

--edited: spelling woes--

My marriage is happy NOW, but it wasn't always so. We came VERY close to divorce, so I've been in those shoes.

I had to humble myself and realize that placing blame was getting me nowhere. It wasn't making my marriage better to point out all of my husband's flaws and encourage him to correct them. He was a lot like your husband, in that he'd just ignore me and go to bed and pretend the conversation never happened.

I got to a point where I just had to give up trying to make him a better person. Instead, I focused on myself and my flaws (and I had/have plenty). I found that making myself a better person, a more Godly woman (and I still have a LONG way to go), made my marriage better.

You can't change him...you CAN change yourself and your attitude about your situation. If he sees you focusing on self improvement, maybe it would motivate him to do likewise.

The thing is, there's no downside to self improvement...whether you stay or whether you go, you'll be better for it. Life is nothing but choices...and you have all kinds of choices in this.

I don't know if this helps at all...it really seems like you're fairly certain that divorce is the only thing that will make things better. None of us know you or your hubby personally, so maybe you're right...maybe there's no help for it. I hope that's not the case, because I can't tell you how rewarding it is to have come through the fire together and to have a better marriage because of it.

If I can ask, why DID you go through with the marriage if you didn't really want to? And do you stay for the same reasons? If it's too personal, you don't have to answer. I just was wondering why you'd volunteer to go into something that you already knew wouldn't work.

Hugs for you, though.

Love, Heather