I need help

[hisbloodformysins]

I am having turmoil in my soul. I've prayed about it- hope this brings some resolution. First of all, I have been struggling with negative thoughts about my marriage. I know this sounds crazy, but I honestly feel bad about myself for staying in this marriage. My mind tells me I'm crazy, why stay in a loveless marriage with a man I don't love. I feel like I do it because I'm weak. Because I'm afraid of getting out of this comfort zone. And I have prayed that God will reassure me that it's his will, because if you want to know the truth, even though the bible says God hates divorce, I seriously have doubts about this. I need prayers, wisdom, help- because I'm tired of this turmoil inside. Part of me says- just get a divorce- but I don't because of the fear and discomfort that goes along with it. Listen, I really do know what the bible says about divorce, yet my feelings are swayed by it- nor will logical "well, this is what the bible says so...." will help either. I need a better, more reasonable reason why- to put my soul at ease. Because I feel like I'm putting all this effort into something that God can make good- in his time, but I don't even want this marriage, yet I'm making all kinds of effort to keep it good. I need help.

 

[JVD]

Need more than feelings. Are there good reasons why you feel you need out of the marriage besides the fact that it is a loveless marriage?

And do you have children?

He must have been lovable at one time...what changed?

 

[Rafael]

Did you ever have love for this man? Is he abusing you? So many questions and details have to be known for any good advice. Do you think God put this marriage together or was it a mistake from the begining? Is he a believer?

 

[Kepa]

Listen, I really do know what the bible says about divorce, yet my feelings are swayed by it- nor will logical "well, this is what the bible says so...." will help either. I need a better, more reasonable reason why- to put my soul at ease.

If you do not live your life according to His word... how can you feel at ease? If you do not let Him be your guide... how can you feel at ease? You KNOW what the bible says, that is GOD'S WORD. Stuff praying about it, you already KNOW what God says about the issue. If you go ahead and rebel against God's will... how will you feel at ease? Do not pray that you will be given release from your husband, because that will not be done unless certain circumstances occur. Pray that God's will be done. Pray for strength. Oh... and TALK TO YOUR PASTOR! THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE THERE FOR! You may need marriage councilling.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

It seems that devil has found a weak area where he knows he can continually tempt you and eat away at you. Some people struggle with disliking there body and become anorexic and destroy their health, some people struggle with depression and destroy their life, and you struggle with your marriage and are tempted to destroy that.
You have posted before that your husband is a nice guy, but too passive for your taste. We all have character flaws that are mates have to live with. We all hurt and dissapoint our mates. We can not change our husbands, but with God's help we can change ourselves.
I know you said you never were really big in love with your husband. Well, I know that in Bible times Rebbeca married Isaac without ever meeting him, so even if you do not feel mushy or passionate feelings, that does not mean you are not married. In the new testament God tells the older women to teach the younger women to love there husbands. God did not say that He hopes they feel love. I think this means that you can decide whether or not to love someone.
Have you ever tried being passive and letting your husband lead? I mean let him spend the money wrong and not pay the bills and put junior to bed with a cookie. I am not saying to try to make your husband fall on his face. If he tells you to pay the bills then do it. Also, if he asks what to do tonight, then let him decide. Just tell him that you are gonna let him decide. If he does not decide, then he decided to do nothing. Wqhatever he does decide act real happy about. I think it may take practice if he is used to following. He may be afraid to lead and upset you, if you are always on the verge of leaving him.
How is your sex life? No matter how you feel towards your husband, I think that getting a close, loving sex life will vastly improve all areas of your marriage. This will take work. If you want a great marriage you are gonna have to learn to fullfill eachother on a regular basis. If you have trouble in this area, I highly reccomend you working through past issues, so that they do not have a hold on your present day life. God does want you to be happy and content, but He wants you to be happy and content where you are.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but once you have been on the other side for awhile it isn't so green anymore.
I think it is possible that you may actually be discontent with yourself, and end up unhappy wherever you went. I wish that I could fix your life up for you. I feel bad for you.
i do think you may have accidently have married the right guy for you. You just need to figure out how to get it off the ground.
I gotta go.

 

[desi]

If you entertain thoughts of divorce its no wonder you feel bad. Your husband should be a source of strength for you, and you for him. You chose him above all others to be your husband. I won't tell you to mindlessly tough it out or ignore your feelings because that is denying what is. I advise you go to a Christian woman you know well who has been married a long time and ask for advice, let her know how you feel. The best marital advice to be had is from people who have been married a long time. If you feel it would be helpful to bring your husband, bring him too and have a family discussion. Your husband may have no idea how you feel or what you expect from him, I don't know your marriage so I can only compare possible problems with ones I have experienced. My advice is to be honest with your husband and bring this up at a time when he is relaxed and has time to talk about it with you, not right when he gets home after work.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Did you ever have love for this man? Is he abusing you? So many questions and details have to be known for any good advice. Do you think God put this marriage together or was it a mistake from the begining? Is he a believer?

Raphe, it seems like you already read my post in the marriage section. To best answer these questions, I ask that you will look in the marriage ministry section, I'll try to get the link, because I answer a lot of these questions there.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Here's the link to give more details about the situation

http:www.christianforums.com/t169998

 

[JVD]

hisbloodformysins

I just read your posts in the marriage forum.

Please don't take what I have to say as a condemnation even I AM dissagreeing with you.

You mention several times that other people are "happily married". Most marriages go through many periods of struggles. Many marriages go through struggles from the beginning to the end. There are many times when one spouse or the other asks themselves "why did I marry this person?".

You said that you went into the marriage knowing...or suspecting it was a mistake.

After that you had two children with your husband.

Now...unless your husband is abusing you, or is abusing the children, you have absolutely no reason to divorce him. In fact if you divorce him you could be messing up your childrens lives...permanently.

Your DUTY here is not to your own happiness. It is to try to make this the best marriage possible FOR YOUR CHILDRENS SAKE. If your husband is any kind of a father at all to the children, it is better than no father or even worse in many cases...a stepfather. It is a hundred times better than a split home in which the children slowly realize that their mother left their father because their mother "wasn't happy". They will then also realize that their own mother did not care about their happiness, only hers.

So you need to grow up and get over it. Life isn't about happiness. Life isn't about getting what WE want. Life is about GIVING. And you have a great opportunity here to be GIVE...to your children.

You have a great opportunity to be a hero...a hero to your children.

By keeping your chin up, making the best of it, creating as happy a home for your children as possible, you will be a hero. Part of doing this is to show love for your husband...even if you don't feel any. Devote your life to your children and give up looking for happiness for yourself. Over time you will become happy because you will realize you have done the right thing.

I am making a leap to assume that you really weren't happy before you were married either. Your searching for happiness in promiscuity shows that.

I also am assuming that your parents were divorced or split up. You never mention your father.

So you have been assuming that other people have "happy" lives that aren't messed up. I have news for you...most of us have messed up lives in one way or another. Very few of us have true "happiness". However, that is not a reason to mess up other peoples lives.

You have a fantastic opportunity here to do the RIGHT THING. That is...focus on your children...forget about everything else. Make your relationship with God, and your relationship with your children as good as possible. Then also work on having as good a relationship with your husband as you can...even if it isn't your dream.

 

[breezynosacek]

Wow, can I relate to where you are at! I read your other thread and this is what I am going to say to you. You may not like it but it is my experience, strength and hope.

If you married against God's will and you knew it, ask for forgiveness.
Second, a covenant is a covenant. You made it with God as well as your hubby.
Third, pray for God to heal it and make it what it ought to be or ask God for His way out of it. There is nothing wrong with asking God to heal or kill a marriage that you feel is not of Him.

I had gotten married to a man that claimed to be a Christian. As I was walking down the isle, I heard in my heart, I am marrying the wrong man!

I walked down that stupid isle anyway and married him.

It was not God's perfect will.

Two years later, things are unbearable. I was being abused by his son.

I finally had to leave. He asked me to file for divorce, not once but several times. I finally went to the courthouse praying all the way. "Lord, this is what my husband is asking me to do, but You are the Judge. Make Your judgement call in that courtroom"

I went in there, they called my name and the judge looked at me and the paperwork and threw it out of court. Everybody in there was in shock at her behavior. She just threw it out!

I ran into a lawyer in the hallway and told him what happened. I asked him to look at the paperwork and tell me if I had left anything out. He told me that everything looked to be in order.

Now, to make a very very long story short, I posted this to another thread but I'm not sure which Christian forum I posted it to.

God convicted me that it was my hubby, which is not a believer, that had to file for the divorce. I lived for two years away from him. He begged me to file for a divorce even while he was having an affair.

Seven times he asked, seven times I had to tell him that according to the Word of God that I didn't have grounds for divorce unless there was adultery. He denied adultery up until the very last.

Finally God gave me a passage about 'If the unbelieving partner chooses to leave, we are not morally bound, we are called to peace."

So, I had to wait on God to make that decision. In the meantime, I had asked for counseling, I had prayed for a miracle. I no longer loved him but I knew God hated divorce.

Finally, he asked me if he filed for a divorce, would I be willing to not contest it.

I said yes.

The bottom line to all of this I believe is that you have to do it God's way. Soemtimes that requires the patience of Job, but God can work all things together for good even the mistakes we make.

 

[Techbot]

Your DUTY here is not to your own happiness. It is to try to make this the best marriage possible FOR YOUR CHILDRENS SAKE. If your husband is any kind of a father at all to the children, it is better than no father or even worse in many cases...a stepfather. It is a hundred times better than a split home in which the children slowly realize that their mother left their father because their mother "wasn't happy". They will then also realize that their own mother did not care about their happiness, only hers.

I've heard SO many people say the exact opposite. While I'm not from a broken home I have many friends who are. When I was going through a hard time (and still am) many friends told me that it was harming my children MORE to stay with her day after day, week after week and month after month if we were both unhappy. We fought all the time. She told me quite loudly and in the presence of our children that she hated me and wished she'd never married me. All the while I kept telling myself that I could put up with her antics for another day for the sake of my two preschool daughters. My friends recounted their experiences before and after the divorce of their parents. While they missed the other parent, they were glad that there was no more chaos in the house. They knew that mommy wasn't going to be crying in the room all evening. They knew that daddy wasn't going to be slamming things around.

I don't advocate divorce. In fact, I'm still with my wife. She told me to get out of the house in September 2003. Out of respect for her (and because I couldn't stand her twisting my words and my life any longer) I left. That was the hardest day of my life. My children are more important to me than anything. I still saw them daily...I work from home and my wife works out of the house so while I stayed with relatives I got to babysit them every day. It was still very hard on them. In December I talked my wife into moving into my new house. She is still there. We still argue, although not as much.

My advice to you is to gauge it. Sit down with him and talk. Why is he with you? Does he have any feelings for you anymore? Do you have them for him? Why did you marry him? Why did he marry you? Find those things again. Take nights out for just the two of you, even if it isn't a romantic date. Just time by yourselves to become friends again is sometimes all it takes. JVD is right, it is your DUTY to protect your children. Staying with someone whom you dislike and fight with constantly isn't protecting them.

 

[JVD]

Yes...I should add one thing. If there is abuse involved...and that includes severe verbal abuse (I'm not talking about the small stuff). Then part of your duty is to get your children away from that. That may not include divorce but it does require a seperation.

 

[desi]

Wow, can I relate to where you are at! I read your other thread and this is what I am going to say to you. You may not like it but it is my experience, strength and hope.

If you married against God's will and you knew it, ask for forgiveness.
Second, a covenant is a covenant. You made it with God as well as your hubby.
Third, pray for God to heal it and make it what it ought to be or ask God for His way out of it. There is nothing wrong with asking God to heal or kill a marriage that you feel is not of Him.

I had gotten married to a man that claimed to be a Christian. As I was walking down the isle, I heard in my heart, I am marrying the wrong man!

I walked down that stupid isle anyway and married him.

It was not God's perfect will.

Two years later, things are unbearable. I was being abused by his son.

I finally had to leave. He asked me to file for divorce, not once but several times. I finally went to the courthouse praying all the way. "Lord, this is what my husband is asking me to do, but You are the Judge. Make Your judgement call in that courtroom"

I went in there, they called my name and the judge looked at me and the paperwork and threw it out of court. Everybody in there was in shock at her behavior. She just threw it out!

I ran into a lawyer in the hallway and told him what happened. I asked him to look at the paperwork and tell me if I had left anything out. He told me that everything looked to be in order.

Now, to make a very very long story short, I posted this to another thread but I'm not sure which Christian forum I posted it to.

God convicted me that it was my hubby, which is not a believer, that had to file for the divorce. I lived for two years away from him. He begged me to file for a divorce even while he was having an affair.

Seven times he asked, seven times I had to tell him that according to the Word of God that I didn't have grounds for divorce unless there was adultery. He denied adultery up until the very last.

Finally God gave me a passage about 'If the unbelieving partner chooses to leave, we are not morally bound, we are called to peace."

So, I had to wait on God to make that decision. In the meantime, I had asked for counseling, I had prayed for a miracle. I no longer loved him but I knew God hated divorce.

Finally, he asked me if he filed for a divorce, would I be willing to not contest it.

I said yes.

The bottom line to all of this I believe is that you have to do it God's way. Soemtimes that requires the patience of Job, but God can work all things together for good even the mistakes we make.

Whoa! You are a woman with deep understanding. Solomon mentioned women like you in Proverbs long ago.

 

[Endure2]

hisbloodformysins

i appreciate the way you feel, and i understand. i think so anyway...

God may have never meant for you to marry this man, but now that are married to him, this man is Gods will for your life, and that will never change.

but rest assured, and remember the comforting words of God, God has the ability to take a turn everything around for the good of those who love him.

im not telling you to be convicted and YOU BETTER STICK THIS OUT OR ELSE!
but im saying that God doesnt enjoy seeing you go unsatisfied like this either.
and God has put everything in this man to satisfy every need of your life.
God desires to take this situation and turn it around, to where you are glad that you married this man an no one else. sound crasy?
he can.
and im not saying its going to be easy either,but i promise you that what you cant see that is waiting on you is worth it.
God isnt commanding you to suck it up and live with whatever mistakes you may have made.
God wants to bless you. and he can turn your marraige around, and he wants to.

if you hearken to his word, follow the plan of God for your life which happenes to be the man your married to, God does have the ability and the greatest desire to turn this around for you. not find you a new husband for you, but take the one you have now, and make you so happy with him.
he can turn this man into the romantic hunk or whatever youve been dreaming about.
though youll have to do somethings to.

did you know that this man your married to, has a grace or a gift, to bless you? he does, becuase hes your husband.
but did you know your lack of love, honor and respect to him, will keep his grace from blessing you?
it will. when you dont love someone, you put up a wall, and the things in them that were meant to bless you, cannot. and that blessing is spilt on the ground instead. "mark mobley"

just like abrahams lack of love toward his wife, made him wait 25 years for his son isaac to be born. (the way he put her up for rape and death and things to heathen kings). and his son was never born, untill God delt with abraham and changed him, after he gave his wife to the 2nd king.

but abrahams lack of love toward his partner in life, caused the things in her that where meant to bless him, to never come forth. untill he changed.
the bible says for people to love their spouses, lest their prayers be hindered.
it is very possible that our prayers for our spouses or friends or whoever, are cut down, becuase of the way we treat people without love, respect and honor.

i dont know you, but maybe love is the simple thing you lack.

the 2 greatest points of all that is godly, 1. love God. 2. love people.

for instance, alot of women dont understand that men are uhmm...very sexual creatures... cough sorry...we cant help it.
and alot of times all it takes to get a man do something romantic and sweet for a wife and all the wife wants, is for a wife to uhh...give him what he wants...cough sorry...

haha sorry...
i remember a funny story my pastor told sunday, in short way of telling it.
this lady had been begging her husband to come to church, and he never did...for years and years.
but recently, the brilliant idea popped in her head...HEY ...
she promised her husband that she would uhh...ya know...give him some...
and guess what the mans coming to church now.
and maybe hell get saved.

sorry, ill shut up now...

 

[traingosorry]

Hi Endure2...I have to say that was WELL said- even though you had trouble saying it and seem to have the cough
Thanks for the laugh to start my morning off
Also, I do agree with Endure2.

Heather<><