i need god.

[xxskittles11]

i'm a 16 year old girl ... my family is catholic & i go to catholic school but theres just no one i can talk to about this stuff and i need to get it off my chest. i'd really appreciate comments or advice.

i'm a bad girl . when i started high school i never in a million years though i'd end up the way i am . i drink ... i've tried drugs and done pretty much everything sexual that you can do. i know its wrong and i do feel guilty but its just so hard to stop when your life is going a certian way. i guess it started about a year ago when i started hooking up with an 18 year old guy, he always used to sneak over my house in the middle of the night and we'd mess around . it kind of escalated and we ended up having oral sex ... often . from then on i've become kind of obsessed with being badass or "ba" as my friends refer to it .
i've made out with a solid 30 guys ( my friends and i keep charts, like we're proud of it ) and done more than just kiss alot of them , started drinking about 6 months ago and now hardly ever go a weekend without getting drunk. i tried pot once , it wasn't my thing . i smoke cigarettes from time to time too (not that this is particularly wrong, but i know my parents would kill me). i sneak out to go to parties, get drunk or hook up with guys almost every weekend and don't even think twice about getting caught anymore.
recently, though, its been worse. i was drunk almost every night this summer, which resulted in cheating on my boyfriend with random guys a bunch of times and losing my virginity to my boyfriend . it wasn't like he took advantage of me; i knew it was gonna happen and i wanted to be "loosened up" i guess ... we've been having sex ever since, for about a month now , and it never phased me . i never felt sad or empty the way they say girls do . but then something just happened ...
we had sex without a condom a few weeks before and my period was 6 days late . he picked me up from school , and instead of going to field hockey practice like i was supposed to, i rode around with him. we ended up in a secluded parking lot and started hooking up; i wasn't ready yet but he wanted to have sex so i said ok. he had a condom, we both insisted. so it happened , for the thousandth time, and i figured it wouldnt be any different than usual; sometimes felt good, sometimes hurt, sometimes made me feel closer to him but never really special . it was raining outside and this song i love, sent from heaven by keisha cole was playing . and he was doing his thing and i just really wasnt into it and i just felt like crying . and it felt like , spiritual almost . i know thats so weird to say but i was holding back tears and on the verge of getting up , getting out of the car, saying i dont want to do this and then bursting out sobbing . i dont know . but i couldnt . my boyfriend's like a really popular senior and he might understand but its not a chance i wanted to take and it could just get around & id be a big joke . i guess it was worth it to me.
i've done it with him since, a couple times. but i can't get that moment out of my head . the other night i was in a little fight with my mom , it wasnt a big deal or anything and i just started sobbing . like bawling . and i kind of led into that she doesnt know everything the way she thinks she does . and she was begging me to tell her what was wrong , "did you skip a class ? did you fail a test ?" ... thats what kind of girl my mom thinks i am , like those are the worst of my problems . i almost broke down and told her everything . i really, really wanted to . but i knew my life would be over . and i told her im sorry , im just being a drama queen and i went to bed .
for the past year or so , i always told myself that i'd "just know" when it was time to knock off my bad girl ways and go back to god . i went to confession once at the beginning of the summer and told the preist EVERYTHING, and he told me he knows its hard but all god wants from me is improvement . that stuck for about a week , im far worse now than i was then . but maybe now is my "just know"ing . i know it's gonna be hard to stop living my life this way and that i might even lose friends over it , but i really think that its time to go back to god and concentrate on school and sports and my faith and really start living right . i don't know if i can . i know i need to pray and participate in mass and go to confession , and hopefully god's grace will help me through this . but advice would be awesome . support . whatever . thanks .

 

[The Nihilist]

oh my goodness, skittles, it sounds like you're having a tough time, and i'm sorry about that, but this is the wrong forum. You're going to want to check out the christian only section up top. You'll get good advice there. All that happens here is nice people get corrupted, and i don't think that's what you really need this second

 

[Beanieboy]

First, you need to understand God.
Mary Magdeline was a prostitute.
Some of the diciples were tax collectors who cheated people out of money.

God doesn't expect you to be perfect. I question if he really cares about "sin" or this or that act. What he cares about it you. He loves you as you are.

Sit for 15 minutes and just consider this. God is as your breath. Just breathe, and imagine that literally being God. You are inseparable, and yes, your breath is very aware that you have made out with guys, done drugs, etc.

Are you happy? Do you love yourself? That is the first thing you have to be asking yourself. Ask yourself why you are doing what you are doing.

Then you need to simply ask how to love yourself, and how to love others.

And the rest all comes from that.
But no matter what you do, what you've done, you are going to be loved by God.
Never be fooled that you can be separated from the love of God. Not even your rejection, I believe, can separate you.

 

[Polycarp_fan]

If you haven't heard of Rebecca Saint James, then google her name and get to know her music and her mission in life. Also, start listening to Christian music, go see what's up at a good healthy Church near you. Talk to the Pastor about everything and anything once you get to him (or her) and reach out to other Christians your age.

You'll be surprised to learn just how many Christians have experienced what you have. Stay away from secular psychologists if you can.

Here's a link to St. James: http://www.rsjames.com/about.aspx

Your life is as important now as it was when you were a little child. YOU CAN always get your innocence back. Don't let anyone teach you otherwise.

Know that there is love you haven't yet experienced that will make the things you are doing now look very small.

Hang in there and know that Christ Jesus is the answer.

 

[The Princess Bride]

sweetie, I've never been in your shoes, but my heart goes out to you.

Being a teenager is hard enough, but trying to find your way through life makes it even harder.

I would certainly say the most important thing you can do is own up to what you have done and know that you need a change. Change does not occur over night, or even in a few weeks, change is a lifestyle you have to daily walk-out.

Check out the Deeper Fellowship and Christian Advice areas, you should be able to get some awesome feedback there.

 

[stan1980]

Your story reminds me a little of me when I was your age. My sister who was a very positive influence on me left home, so it was left with me and my mum and we *really* didn't get along. I stated smoking/drinking and was taking dope and pills and had a few minor run ins with the law. I think like you, I did have moments when I thought I was going off the rails (still do!), but there was always a sensible head inside me somewhere. I'd imagine you have a sensible head too, which is apparent from your post. The important thing is you recognise that perhaps your life isn't going in the right direction, because believe me, a lot of people don't!

It might not seem it now, but you're still really young, and have plenty of time to turn things around. I would concentrate on your education, once you have that, you've got a great foundation in life. You can still have fun as well but try not to be so hard on yourself, it's all part of growing up, just make sure you learn from your experiences.

 

[MarcusHill]

Whatever happens, just remember that you can't change the past, so don't beat yourself up feeling guilty. Whilst you may have been unwise, you haven't really harmed anyone, and you're in a position to change your life so that you are happy with it - from what you write, it doesn't seem that you are happy with how things are going now. If your faith is an important part of your identity and sense of self-worth, use that as a source of strength - but if you're only going along with your upbringing, you could end up resenting it and joining legions of bitter ex-Catholics railing about being made to feel constantly guilty about having fun.

You want to make changes, and that's a first step. Try to think about why you don't like the way your life is going. That reason is the thing you need to hang on to and nurture, that will give you strength to change. Whether the reason is the love of your family, your own hopes for a better education and future for yourself or your faith, remind yourself of that reason every time you think about doing one of the things you'd rather be giving up. Be positive - think of the benefits of change rather than the drawbacks of continuing on this path.