I Need Advice

[Duchess Dines Out]

I posted this in the frienship courts, but everyone is too busy writing what they are drinking right now to help out. Here's the post... it's important:

Okay, so, the short version goes like this. About a year ago my mom ran away from her husband because of alcohol and abuse issues. They weren't horrible, but she was scared so she fled her home in Florida to come out here (TX) and live in my sisters rental. She was away from him... he didn't know where she lived, worked... nothing. Then for financial reasons she started to communicate with him. She was careful at first, but eventually she gave him her address and phone number. Last week, he SHOWED UP. Uninvited, scary looking, Lifetime movie type of appearence. He said he was looking for a job out here. That he had been following her for a few days. Now, he knows where I live, where my sister lives, where my mom works... the whole nine yards. He left without incident, but she got a call at her office today. This was the message:
"Tell Margery I'll see her on the first."
We are all figuring that he got a job, or at least is moving out here... if it's not that he's going to kill her, which I don't even want to discuss.

I have two children and I don't want anything to happen to them because my mom let this lunatic into our lives. The only thing I can figure is that after the first, I can't be around her anymore. I mean, it's not safe with Lenny lurking in the shadows. Who knows when he'll snap??? But, that means cutting my mother off completely and that really sucks. So, am I over reacting? Should I just move and call it done? Do I tell her that this is how it's going to be? Someone tell me what to do cause I'm heartbroken and confused.

Thanks,
Duchess

 

[Illuminatus]

Get a restraining order. At least do something to put it on record that you don't think the guy is safe. That way if he does do something, you're in a better legal position.

 

[Daughter of His]

I think you should tell your Mom your concerns. Ask her to call him and ask what he means by see you on the first. She has been calling anyway, why not. You do need to protect your children. Sounds like he is moving but who knows really. It's strange, anyone else know him you could talk with?

 

[carmi]

I think you should voice your concern to your mother. As a mother she should understand that you don't want to expose your kids to an abusive person. And it might give her pause, if she knew that she might not be able to see you and your kids when she lets this man back into your life.

I don't understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship - but I do know that many go back to their abusive partners. It seems to be very difficult to free yourself from an abuser.

 

[jaimegerise]

I responded to your post in the friendship area....

 

[Bevlina]

I posted this in the frienship courts, but everyone is too busy writing what they are drinking right now to help out. Here's the post... it's important:

Okay, so, the short version goes like this. About a year ago my mom ran away from her husband because of alcohol and abuse issues. They weren't horrible, but she was scared so she fled her home in Florida to come out here (TX) and live in my sisters rental. She was away from him... he didn't know where she lived, worked... nothing. Then for financial reasons she started to communicate with him. She was careful at first, but eventually she gave him her address and phone number. Last week, he SHOWED UP. Uninvited, scary looking, Lifetime movie type of appearence. He said he was looking for a job out here. That he had been following her for a few days. Now, he knows where I live, where my sister lives, where my mom works... the whole nine yards. He left without incident, but she got a call at her office today. This was the message:
"Tell Margery I'll see her on the first."
We are all figuring that he got a job, or at least is moving out here... if it's not that he's going to kill her, which I don't even want to discuss.

I have two children and I don't want anything to happen to them because my mom let this lunatic into our lives. The only thing I can figure is that after the first, I can't be around her anymore. I mean, it's not safe with Lenny lurking in the shadows. Who knows when he'll snap??? But, that means cutting my mother off completely and that really sucks. So, am I over reacting? Should I just move and call it done? Do I tell her that this is how it's going to be? Someone tell me what to do cause I'm heartbroken and confused.

Thanks,
Duchess

I believe you should tell your Mum you are worried honey and explain to her how you feel about all of this. That you fear for the safety of the children and let her understand that you are prepared to move to get away from any flack which could cause you, or the children grief. You can but try to get her to understand. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you.

 

[Mustaphile]

Have you spoken with your Mom yet?

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

If you're concerned about safety, going to the police is an importnt first step. Your mother needs to understand that if she is afraid enough to pack up and leave the state, putting you all in harm's way by recontacting him and giving out your private beta is not an appropriate course of action.

Moreover, if she feels safe enough to contact him for financial reasons, her going back to FL would have been a better bet for all of you.

And yes-a restraining order would certainly be appropriate. But in order to secure one of these, he has to make his presence known on at least two occasions after it has been made clear that she never wants to see him again. Well, actually, the laws may vary state-to-state. Since she initiated the phone calls and gave out the address, however, she may have a tough time securing one.

If you don't feel safe, moving is a good option. But another option is for your mother to get her own place, or stay at a women's shelter. She has no legal recourse if she's encouraging this guy to stay in her life. But even if she doesn't live with you, you're still at a certain risk if this guy's unsafe, because anytime she's with you, he may be watching, and may even harrass you.

You need to contact the police and let them know that despite your mother's decision, you want no part of this guy. You can probably get a restraining order. But laws vary state to state on what the rules are for obtaining one.

It may also help to get a personality profile on stalkers, although he may not even be considered one if your mother has been encouraging him to return to her, which it seems she has.

Is your Mom a Christian?

 

[TheMainException]

Duchess....I would say...don't go anywhere until he threatens you or hurts you or your mom. And that may sound harsh...but if you stop him in the act...you can send him to jail and get him to stop hurting your mom and the rest of your family for good. If he starts stalking you or your mom or something like that. don't let him get to you and pray hard.

 

[BigToe]

Tough situation. I kinda know what you're dealing with- not to the degree, but something similar. First of all you need to do what you need to do to make sure you and your children are safe. However, I think you need to look out for your mom too. Let her know how concerned you are, that this isn't cool. The restraining order idea isn't a bad one. It can at least grant you physical safety until you figure out what is going on.

Your mom is probably a lot like mine. She doesn't want to be with this creep but for some reason can't say no. Maybe she thinks she doesn't deserve better, maybe she doesn't want to hurt him, maybe she is just terrified of being alone. It sounds like a bit of an addictive personality of sorts- meaning she could be prone to addictions to things and/or people. Be supportive and help her to learn that she deserves better than what this guy can give by being in her life in any way, shape or form.

 

[Lyle]

I have two children and I don't want anything to happen to them because my mom let this lunatic into our lives. The only thing I can figure is that after the first, I can't be around her anymore. I mean, it's not safe with Lenny lurking in the shadows. Who knows when he'll snap??? But, that means cutting my mother off completely and that really sucks. So, am I over reacting? Should I just move and call it done? Do I tell her that this is how it's going to be? Someone tell me what to do cause I'm heartbroken and confused.

My advice.. If you have enough damning evidence about him, take it to the police. Although they will look into it even if you don't, but can show that he is a threat. I owuld suggest either being a little more careful, or moving entirely.. You say you have children, are you married?

 

[forgivenmuch]

Dont Risk Your Kids Being Hurt Or You. Move Do Whatever.. Your Mom Was So Wrong Bringing All This On You And Your Sister And Your Kids. She Should Of Left Him Alone..but Instead She Brought The Problems To You.. So Now What Is Your Choice? The Facts About This .. Is Will A Restraining Order Protect You? No .. Alot Of People Have Been Killed With It. And Also .. Does Your Mom Even Care? Well I Dont Know .. She Knew Him Far Better Than All Of You And Yet She Escpaed Him ..but Yet Calls Him ..and Tells Him Where She Is .. And Not Only That ... To Find Out Where You Are.
Well I Do Believe I Would Cut Her Off ...she Already Knew What She Done..
So Why Should You Talk To Her? I Would Tell Her.. Mom Why Would You Do This To Us? You Know How He Is... Then I Would Say.. I Cant Have A Realionship With You .. Not Like This... If You Dont Care Enough About Me And My Kids .. Then Leave Me Alone. Bottom Line She Knew What She Did Before She Did It.. Maybe Shes Attracted To That Kind Of Realtionship. Do You Know Why I Think This Way? Because I Have Been In Your Shoes .. I Have Tried To Work It Out With My Mom .. That Done Me Somewhat Like Your Mom Has Done.. I Cut Her Off ... With Alot Of Talks ... It Never Worked .... So To Keep My Son Safe .. And Let Him Know That I Would Not Allow Anyone To Hurt Him ... .. I Did It For Him..and my family.. I Have Learned That When You Let This Go On From Generation To Generation .. It Will Never Change.. But When One Person Says No .. And Changes ... Then Only Good Can Come From That. Im Praying For You God Bless

 

[wardpossy]

Whether subtle or blatant, emotional or physical, spouse abuse pierces the body and soul of a woman. While there are varying degrees of damage, all forms of abuse inflict painful wounds.

Visible Wounds.
Countless wives have sought medical attention for the physical trauma they have received at the hands of an enraged, out-of-control husband. These include bruises, scrapes, scratches, cuts, internal injuries, and broken bones. Others have quietly endured the pain of a bloodied nose or a sprained neck or shoulder.

Invisible Wounds.
Many women claim that the wounds that go unseen hurt the most. These involve the sting of betrayal, feelings of powerlessness, a loss of freedom, and a shredding of dignity. While there is much overlap among the four, it's helpful to examine each one separately.

The Sting Of Betrayal. An abused spouse is disillusioned. The marriage relationship is a far cry from what she expected it to be. One abused wife tearfully recalled her dream of being happily married to a man who truly loved and cherished her. Though there may have been a few occasions before their marriage when her husband's anger was explosive and way out of proportion, she never dreamed it would be directed toward her to such an extreme.

In the early stages of their relationship, the husband often smothers a wife with kindness. His apparent love and concern for her is what she finds so attractive. Hidden under his cloak of charm and gentleness, however, is a scheme to possess and control her. Eventually her dreams are shattered as she realizes that she's married to a possessive, controlling man. She feels betrayed, and the sting of betrayal deepens as her husband repeatedly breaks his promise to stop the abuse. As a result, abused wives often find it difficult to trust people--even individuals who could help.

Feelings Of Powerlessness. A husband's superior physical strength and intimidating threats, or cultural and religious expectations, or economic restrictions leave an abused wife with the feeling that she is unable to stop the abuse. Her sense of powerlessness intensifies as she begins to recognize that she can't prevent or end the damage and pain the abuse has caused her and her children.

Over time, an abused wife begins to believe that the abuse is somehow her fault. She doubts herself as a wife, housekeeper, mother, and lover. Although she may excel at a job with many important responsibilities, she does not feel competent in her home. After an abusive incident, one woman said, "If only I wouldn't have asked him to look at the car when it was acting up. Then maybe he wouldn't have slammed me against the wall."

Loss Of Freedom. An abusive marriage is earmarked by a decrease of freedom on the part of a wife. Her husband may limit her social life, tell her whom she can be friends with, or impose strict financial restraints. In extreme cases, a wife must get "permission" before doing anything out of her normal daily routine. In an attempt to control his wife and keep the abuse silent, the husband often makes all of her major decisions. In any event, the wife begins to feel as if she has no life of her own. She feels as though she has no voice to speak; and if she did speak, no one would pay any attention. Shredding Of Dignity. None of us can ever fully lose our dignity, though there are times we may feel like we have. Yet a person's dignity can be seriously attacked. An abused wife has her dignity assaulted on a regular basis. She's constantly reminded that she can't think for herself. She's often treated like an inanimate object that is used and discarded like an empty pop can. She's treated as if she has no legitimate feelings, thoughts, or desires. Many times she feels as if she has "ceased to exist as a person." This sometimes leads to a "hollow" appearance in which she seems emotionally barren.

Warrior In Christ Jeff

 

[wardpossy]

My Sunday school class has been studying one book of the Bible each week. Beginning with Genesis, we are looking at the theme, structure, and uniqueness of each book. Little did I realize that two women in my class were eager to get to the book of Job. They are nurses who daily confront the problem of human suffering, and they are often asked hard questions about God's role in it.

All too often the explanation for suffering is similar to that expressed by Job's three friends who came to sit with him. One after another, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar told Job that he deserved the suffering because of his sin. The young observer Elihu came along and told Job the same thing.

The real reason Job was suffering was that Satan, the leader of the fallen angels, was trying to get him to turn from God. Because Satan cannot dethrone the Lord, he opposes Him by attacking His followers (1 Peter 5:8). He strikes at God by tempting us to sin.

One reason for suffering, therefore, is that it's part of a larger, cosmic struggle. During hard times, we face the choice to trust God or to turn from Him. If we endure suffering with our trust in the Lord unshaken, we will thwart Satan's efforts and glorify our God. —DCE

How oft in the conflict, when pressed by the foe,
I have fled to my Refuge and breathed out my woe;
How often, when trials like sea billows roll,
Have I hidden in Thee, O Thou Rock of my soul. —Cushing
When your world is shaking, run to the Rock.


Warrior For Christ, Jeff

 

[Arkanin]

My advice.. If you have enough damning evidence about him, take it to the police. Although they will look into it even if you don't, but can show that he is a threat. I owuld suggest either being a little more careful, or moving entirely.. You say you have children, are you married?

I think you should talk to the police whether you do or do not have evidence. They are the sort of people that would know the options you have and what the best course of action is to protect yourself.

If they do not help you, because the police here in Texas are not that great sometimes, look into Texas Rio Grande Legal Aid and talk to someone there for free. They are a very good (and free) group that deals with domestic abuse very frequently. They would surely be helpful.

 

[jesusfreak1991]

pray about this and please replie to this so we all know that you are all right. this is just a guess but mybye god brought his person back into your life for a reason. possibly he needs to know the word of god and so do you.

 

[perfection]

I would advice you to just keep in contact with your mom via the phone, and stay at a distance, it's her choise and if you don't want to be effected then you must make the choise of staying out of her life, just don't let your mom have your adress around in her house, and no phonenumber either, she'll just have to remember your phone number(you live alone somewhere else right?) and then you can visit her now and then, just call her before you visit her to ensure yourself that 'he' isn't around. That should work.

 

[squeak]

As someone a few years younger it is hard for me to give you advice. But I can pray for you..which I will xD. I don't think you are over-reacting, your children's lives are important too, but perhaps you can find some way of communicating with your mum, perhaps if you are scared of Lenny reading any letters e.t.c you could pass some on to your mum's friend, ask them to show them to here when your mum is at their house??? I don't know, like I said it's hard to say...