I need a GREAT joke

[New Creation]

I just started attending Toastmasters and I will be speaking for the first time next week. I volunteered to be the Jokemaster. I need a killer joke that will take between 1 and 2 minutes to tell. The joke doesn't have to be a Catholic joke but they are welcome too. I know you folks have some good ones. Can you help me out?

 

[stephenc]

http://christianforums.com/showthread.php?t=7266786

 

[ukok]

This probably wouldn't be appropriate and it could possibly offend some (overly sensitive) people but i think it's hilarious. As a long time bottle blonde (but hey i'm going natural now!) I feel i've earned the right to tell a blonde joke or two.

It won't 2 minutes, but if you're particularly imaginitive you could embellish it somewhat!

" A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

LMBBO (laughing my big butt off) !!!

 

[New Creation]

http://christianforums.com/showthread.php?t=7266786

It must be a good one stephen, because someone told that VERY joke two weeks ago! Thanks though!

Hey ukok, long time no see.

Great joke! Not sure about the blonde jokes though- our president's a blonde!

 

[ukok]

Hey ukok, long time no see.

Hi! Did you have the same usename eons ago?

Great joke! Not sure about the blonde jokes though- our president's a blonde!

Well, it would all depend on her sense of humour i suppose

 

[Avatar]

I apologize in advance...

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

 

[New Creation]

Hi! Did you have the same usename eons ago?




Well, it would all depend on her sense of humour i suppose

Yes I did! This is me, is that you?


Hey Avatar! Thanks buddy. Keep 'em comin'.

 

[hsilgne]

An Englishman, an American and a Canadian were in a real dinjy bar having a beer. Noticing a fly had landed in his beer the Englishman politely asked the bartender for a new beer. The American also noticed a fly had landed in his beer...he promptly yanked the fly out and flicked it across the room and then took a big gulp of his beer... sure enough, the Canadian noticed a fly in his beer. Delicately he removed the fly from his beer, carefully turned the fly upside down over top his beer mug and then at the top of his lungs he screamed at the fly... SPIT IT OUT! ... SPIT IT OUT!!!

 

[Avatar]

An Englishman, an American and a Canadian were in a real dinjy bar having a beer. Noticing a fly had landed in his beer the Englishman politely asked the bartender for a new beer. The American also noticed a fly had landed in his beer...he promptly yanked the fly out and flicked it across the room and then took a big gulp of his beer... sure enough, the Canadian noticed a fly in his beer. Delicately he removed the fly from his beer, carefully turned the fly upside down over top his beer mug and then at the top of his lungs he screamed at the fly... SPIT IT OUT! ... SPIT IT OUT!!!

 

[New Creation]

An Englishman, an American and a Canadian were in a real dinjy bar having a beer. Noticing a fly had landed in his beer the Englishman politely asked the bartender for a new beer. The American also noticed a fly had landed in his beer...he promptly yanked the fly out and flicked it across the room and then took a big gulp of his beer... sure enough, the Canadian noticed a fly in his beer. Delicately he removed the fly from his beer, carefully turned the fly upside down over top his beer mug and then at the top of his lungs he screamed at the fly... SPIT IT OUT! ... SPIT IT OUT!!!

That's a classic. I've heard it as Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman though.