Nightmares From the age of 7-12. I was dreaming that I was in my room in my bed and maybe even awake and I would see this older man’s head, similar features to Captain Picard from Star Trek. His head would be in the far corner of a room floating in the air and my room was stretched out so he was at a distance. As the room started to shrink back to normal he would start to get closer, I don’t remember what he would say to me. All I know is that in his presence I was scared and unable to move. I remember these nightmares to this day, I had them so much and so often I was scared to go to sleep. I do know this man has some significance to my child hood and was pure evil.
I was told while I was in a foster home I was raped, beaten, starved and locked in a closet for two years. I don’t remember anything but I often wonder if those nightmares and that man had a connection to my foster home abuse. Was that the man that abused me?
My birthmother who I later talk to and met in 2016 had told me about the crazy amount of drug abuse she did while I was in her womb. I was born with fetal alcohol syndrome and other addictions. I was left with a relative while my birth mother was in jail and later prison. My birth mother wrote to family service and requested that I be put in foster care due to the fact I was being mistreated.
At the age of four I was adopted into a family of abuse and sexual assault. My older brother who was adopted too, sexual molested me when I was 9. My Adopted mother and father went through a very brutal divorce when I was 11 and I seem to be the focus of punishment for both their anger. I remember my mom beating me violently in the face and my dad cleaning the blood off me in the bath room. This kind of went on for the next couple years and I was to be blamed by my mom for choosing to live with my dad, but really, I would have stayed with who ever got the house.
At 13 I was sent to a behavior school by my adopted dad because I smoked marijuana and was ditching school. My dad works in the movie industry and works 18 hour days and at the time I was just trying to get any love and attention I could get, but for the next 5 years I would be locked up in institutions because my dad didn’t want to deal with me. In that time, I saw my family maybe 3 times.
I was a CASA (Child Appointed Special Advocate) for about a year and a half and in training they say that 7% of people with my background end up living a successful healthy life.
I ask myself all the time how I have not become a serial killer or some sick pervert. I harbor a lot of hate but I love to help people less fortunate. I rather have people give to charity on my birthday or Christmas rather than give me anything.
I also ask myself how much GOD has in this, because I feel the real reason I never totally strayed off into the darkness is because I feel the need to please GOD. I Don’t trust man, I don’t trust time and all that was written but I am spiritually connect I feel. I have been taught that no religion is good specially catholic and Mormonism. I have harbored hate with the catholic religion and recently dropped it because its not okay with me. Again this is just what I was taught growing up. I have no self Indentity with any church and I don't know where I belong. I had been thinking how the catholic religion is so displined and reading up on it and that same week a stranger at my work gave me a rosary. What are the chances of that happening that week and never before.
funny I want to talk to people and help people but I am such an introvert. People in large groups or people I have nothing in common drain my energy.
I have little family , I have little friends. I just sometimes don’t understand what I did to deserve all this and what do I do with it.
For now, Robb
I was told while I was in a foster home I was raped, beaten, starved and locked in a closet for two years. I don’t remember anything but I often wonder if those nightmares and that man had a connection to my foster home abuse. Was that the man that abused me?
My birthmother who I later talk to and met in 2016 had told me about the crazy amount of drug abuse she did while I was in her womb. I was born with fetal alcohol syndrome and other addictions. I was left with a relative while my birth mother was in jail and later prison. My birth mother wrote to family service and requested that I be put in foster care due to the fact I was being mistreated.
At the age of four I was adopted into a family of abuse and sexual assault. My older brother who was adopted too, sexual molested me when I was 9. My Adopted mother and father went through a very brutal divorce when I was 11 and I seem to be the focus of punishment for both their anger. I remember my mom beating me violently in the face and my dad cleaning the blood off me in the bath room. This kind of went on for the next couple years and I was to be blamed by my mom for choosing to live with my dad, but really, I would have stayed with who ever got the house.
At 13 I was sent to a behavior school by my adopted dad because I smoked marijuana and was ditching school. My dad works in the movie industry and works 18 hour days and at the time I was just trying to get any love and attention I could get, but for the next 5 years I would be locked up in institutions because my dad didn’t want to deal with me. In that time, I saw my family maybe 3 times.
I was a CASA (Child Appointed Special Advocate) for about a year and a half and in training they say that 7% of people with my background end up living a successful healthy life.
I ask myself all the time how I have not become a serial killer or some sick pervert. I harbor a lot of hate but I love to help people less fortunate. I rather have people give to charity on my birthday or Christmas rather than give me anything.
I also ask myself how much GOD has in this, because I feel the real reason I never totally strayed off into the darkness is because I feel the need to please GOD. I Don’t trust man, I don’t trust time and all that was written but I am spiritually connect I feel. I have been taught that no religion is good specially catholic and Mormonism. I have harbored hate with the catholic religion and recently dropped it because its not okay with me. Again this is just what I was taught growing up. I have no self Indentity with any church and I don't know where I belong. I had been thinking how the catholic religion is so displined and reading up on it and that same week a stranger at my work gave me a rosary. What are the chances of that happening that week and never before.
funny I want to talk to people and help people but I am such an introvert. People in large groups or people I have nothing in common drain my energy.
I have little family , I have little friends. I just sometimes don’t understand what I did to deserve all this and what do I do with it.
For now, Robb
