I might need help (long, may be triggering)

[odeminkwe]

I haven't been on CF in a while, probably a year. I started restricting last May and was only able to stop when I began running in August. I planned for a 5K in the fall and because I was running, I had to eat. My head was still screwy, though. Over the New Year, my weight began to bother me and I began restricting again, which led to binges and purging. I signed up for a half marathon, to give myself a reason to eat. I am still purging on a fairly regular basis, which is bothering me, but not as much as I think it should, if that makes sense. I feel like I eat way too much, but I know I need to right now.

My fear is that I'll begin to restrict as soon as the race is over. I'm scared.
I've had a history with bulimia, beginning when I was sixteen. Since I turned twenty one, it hadn't been an issue, maybe one episode every six months or so. I may have had up to a year without an episode during that time. Since the beginning of this year, though, I usually have at least two purging episodes a week, sometimes as many as three a day. I've gone at least five days since the last b/p. I have gone up to ten days without purging since I started, but I don't think I can go any longer than that.

My head is a mess. I feel somewhat passive in all of this. I took the summer off from classes because I couldn't handle it anymore. My grades have been dismal this last year and I just need a break. I am taking the time off, knowing that I can either get better of worse. I'm not sure what I want. On one hand, it doesn't seem bad enough to warrant any kind of treatment. On the other hand, I know how out of control it can get, and how quickly.

I just don't know. I don't have any spiritual connection at all anymore. The only reason I am on this forum is because I got an email about a comment on my page. I don't know what I'm looking for, I only know that I feel conflicted, alone, and lost. I think I need to feel like I relate to someone and that somewhere there's some light.

 

[goldenviolet]

go to doc. there's meds to help prevent binges and purges. there is also overeaters anonymus (for all eating disorders)... the library will have books.... surround yourself with support systems. there is no inbetween/ or waiting until later. you must force yourself to get help. this is life and death serious. please start surrounding yourself with supports today. xo dee

 

[Ginger_Ark]

I would really recommend the book Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer.

I've said a prayer for you.

 

[odeminkwe]

Thank you for your replies. I've never thought to look into OA. I've checked out Food Addicts in Recovery in the past, but their program wasn't something that interested me. I will see if there are OA meetings near my area.
I think therapy is a must, but I am afraid to open up to my husband and tell him that I've been purging lately. He knows that I was restricting last summer and that my body image is way screwed up, but I'm not sure he realizes there is a problem. He will comment on the weight I lost, but when I remind him exactly what I did to lose it, he will say something about how good it is that I lost it anyway. I was not comfortable with my body before I started to restrict, but my whole world didn't revolve around it. I failed classes fall semester and had to drop down to part time this last winter. I'm really amazed that I finished part of this last semester at all. I'm sure I need to pray for the strength to be honest about where I'm at, not only with my husband, but with myself. I'm still half in denial. I feel good for a few days and I tell myself I'm okay and not that bad off.
I will look for that book you suggested at my library and thanks for the prayers. I don't think I've read any Joyce Meyer, but her name is quite familiar.
Today has been an okay day. It's been long, but purge free. I ran a 10K this morning and finished better than I thought I would, though I'm still pretty slow. Running seems to be the only thing I've found so far that can pull my focus away from food and weight, but I do have less interest in it than I did in the fall.
Thanks again for the prayers and suggestions.

 

[Ginger_Ark]

Open up to your husband. You're sick. Take it from someone who lives with someone with ED, hiding this from him can hurt your relationship. As much as we try not to, we feel betrayed when we find out the person we love has been hiding something this big from us. Trust him with this information, and ask for his help in finding some help for you. You should get help as soon as you can. Start with your family doctor. They should be able to help you find the right care.

I'm saying another prayer for you.