i messed up again

[isaiah5213]

my husband & i have known each other for 17 years. we have been married for 20 months. (we dated for 5 months, engaged 3 months). i have been a Christian for 11 years, & i am a recovering alcoholic. one of the things i do, is i tend to lie. it's my first defense. i go back, i apologize, i say i am sorry, i really do, but i do it so often, my husband sometimes distrusts that i am convicted about it.

my husband said i could spend money, and told he how i could NOT spend it. i couldn't spend it by credit card. well, i found out they couldn't take checks or cash, so i spent it by credit card. my husband found out, he confronted me, i lied. i came back to him later to talk about it, i confessed it, but he was already upset w/me. he was furious. and i can't blame him. he feels like i stole from him. i struggle w/that, but i can definitely understand his hurt and anger.. i know he feels betrayed. i know he feels hurt. and fear..
he has hidden the wallet from me. and in my sin, i think, "the game's afoot." i know where the wallet is. i will not use it, but i want to, so bad, to spite him, and show him, that i can--just like when i was drinking!!! uuuurrrrggghhh...

i did this 2 days ago, and he is still angry at me. help me! pray for us! fast for us! i know it doesn't seem as bad as some of these other posts... but could i get some advice for a plan???
to not do this again?? :o :o

 

[MIboy]

A good start to the solution could be............................STOP LYING!!!

Just a thought.

 

[Jenna]

*hugs* I'll be praying for you.

When I had problems with spending money, I cut up my credit card and my bank card. It didn't cut off all my funds, but it slowed me down a lot and made me really think about what I was spending on. Is this an option?

Another thing that occured to me is that they now have these traveler's cards and such where you can put a certain amount of money on a card, and it isn't attached to a checking account. It can be used like a credit card, but when it is done, then it is done. This might possibly be something to consider if it is just the accessability issues that are making responsible spending hard for you.

It is so hard to build trust, and you know this. I can understand your husband's disappointment, since you could have walked away without the purchase and honored him. However, now is the time to work through the problem, not stew in anger. I'll pray that his heart softens toward you, regardless of what arrangement you guys come to. *hugs*

 

[lovinjesus44]

When I struggle with my mouth I ask the Lord to let me picture His face before I respond, before I react. It's hard to react with lies/anger/sins when you have the image of our loving Savior in your mind! You have to control that first impulse and take a step back. Hope this helps.

 

[Why?]

Is the problem that you are spending too much? Is it that you used the credit card? Or is it that you lied about using the credit card?

I can understand where he would be upset for you lying to him about using it, but to feel that you are stealing from him? A marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship! When you get married all possesions become shared.

I agree that you need to stop lying. But I just don't get the 'stealing' comment...

 

[Jenna]

I can kind of see where the stealing comment came from, since he did say that he didn't want the credit card used. So, taking money from the balance of the card could be stealing, in his eyes, if it is in his name or he has to make the payments on it. *shrugs*

Anywho, why is it that you lie to him about things like this? What is your motivation? Is it habit? Do you recognize that you are doing at that time? Did you plan the lie before he asked, or after?

At one time or another, we are all faced with some tough decisions about the love that we have for our spouse and our marriage. When all of the worldly things are taken into account, our spouse should always come first. It sounds like this is an issue that you need to work on, actively loving your husband enough to treat him as though he is first in your life (obviously after God). Some steps to showing this love could be things as simple as always being honest, even if you have disappointing news. Tell him what situations act as triggers for doing things that you know you shouldn't.

Lastly, before I take off.....

I noticed that you said that you confessed. However, I didn't read anything about an apology or any suggestions on your side as to what you can do together to help you make better decisions in the future. Did you make a point to say the words, to apologize for lying and using credit that he had asked you not to?

 

[InTheFlame]

So why exactly is he upset? Is the money thing a recurring issue, or is it the lying that's upsetting him? I'm assuming the latter atm.

THe best thing I can suggest, I think, is to pray together AND see a marriage counsellor. S/he will be able to go into your relationship in a lot more detail than we can, and work out some ways the two of you can work on this together. Frustrating though it may be, any problem ONE partner has, becomes the problem of both partners, and ideally both need to work together to fix it.

 

[bkg]

Let me speak from someone who was in your husbands situation at one point in time. It's likely not the money that's causing his concern and pain, it's the lying. Nothing hurts a person more than to know that his wife doesn't love him enough to tell him the truth.

If you have a spending problem, please seek counsel for that immediately. If you have an issue with honesty, please seek counsel for that. As suggested by InTheFlame, it might be a good idea to seek a counselor to help you both get through the trust issues.

My ex-wife once told me something that I will never forget about trust: Trust is like two buckets of water. When you meet someone, you each have a bucket of water. Each bucket is about 1/2 full, since you neither trust nor do not trust the other. Over time, each bucket fills up until you completely trust each other. It takes time to build trust, to fill the buckets, but only an instance to completely empty a bucket. Then you have to start over... but now you have even farther to go to build complete trust. Is it worth it? yes!!!!!

bkg

 

[oldrooster]

my husband & i have known each other for 17 years. we have been married for 20 months. (we dated for 5 months, engaged 3 months). i have been a Christian for 11 years, & i am a recovering alcoholic. one of the things i do, is i tend to lie. it's my first defense. i go back, i apologize, i say i am sorry, i really do, but i do it so often, my husband sometimes distrusts that i am convicted about it.

my husband said i could spend money, and told he how i could NOT spend it. i couldn't spend it by credit card. well, i found out they couldn't take checks or cash, so i spent it by credit card. my husband found out, he confronted me, i lied. i came back to him later to talk about it, i confessed it, but he was already upset w/me. he was furious. and i can't blame him. he feels like i stole from him. i struggle w/that, but i can definitely understand his hurt and anger.. i know he feels betrayed. i know he feels hurt. and fear..
he has hidden the wallet from me. and in my sin, i think, "the game's afoot." i know where the wallet is. i will not use it, but i want to, so bad, to spite him, and show him, that i can--just like when i was drinking!!! uuuurrrrggghhh...

i did this 2 days ago, and he is still angry at me. help me! pray for us! fast for us! i know it doesn't seem as bad as some of these other posts... but could i get some advice for a plan???
to not do this again?? :o :o

You know you should not do it again, it has nothing to do with your husband and everything to do with you. I too am a friend of Bill W., and have been for the last 6 years. Only you can do it, nobody can make you.....

 

[Truly Blessed]

my husband & i have known each other for 17 years. we have been married for 20 months. (we dated for 5 months, engaged 3 months). i have been a Christian for 11 years, & i am a recovering alcoholic. one of the things i do, is i tend to lie. it's my first defense. i go back, i apologize, i say i am sorry, i really do, but i do it so often, my husband sometimes distrusts that i am convicted about it.

my husband said i could spend money, and told he how i could NOT spend it. i couldn't spend it by credit card. well, i found out they couldn't take checks or cash, so i spent it by credit card. my husband found out, he confronted me, i lied. i came back to him later to talk about it, i confessed it, but he was already upset w/me. he was furious. and i can't blame him. he feels like i stole from him. i struggle w/that, but i can definitely understand his hurt and anger.. i know he feels betrayed. i know he feels hurt. and fear..
he has hidden the wallet from me. and in my sin, i think, "the game's afoot." i know where the wallet is. i will not use it, but i want to, so bad, to spite him, and show him, that i can--just like when i was drinking!!! uuuurrrrggghhh...

i did this 2 days ago, and he is still angry at me. help me! pray for us! fast for us! i know it doesn't seem as bad as some of these other posts... but could i get some advice for a plan???
to not do this again?? :o :o

Another friend of Bill W.

I see 2 issues here. Me & my wife went through this very thing. First, its easy to lie when it is done a lot for an excuse. I told my wife not to use credit cards for a very good reason - couldn't afford future debt. barely making by on what we had and if debt came into picture we were in trouble. She would charge lunches and whatever. At first I tried to forget about it and she said she wouldn't do it again. Of course that never happened. I became irrate because she would spend money we didn't have. And I would not find out about it until the bill came in the mail. Then there was the times that I would ask her if she used the credit card and she would say no. Then I find out she did. Then I became mad because she used the card & lied to me.

After several attempts at destroying credit cards, putting them away, hiding them; she finally has 1 credit card in her purse which she doesn't use. (emergency only).

It is an aquired behavior not to use the cards and not to lie.

I had the habit of lie even when it was not necessary. I changed this by agreeing to admit that if I lied whenever I recoginize it that I would admit it to who ever I lied too. Admitting to a boss that I lied about something really changed my attitude about lying. It is not easy to change a bad habit but it can be done.

You are going to have to earn his trust and it is not going to happen in a matter of days.

It is hard to believe somebody refused to take cash though - Also an ATM mastercard/visa can be used as though it is a credit card although it is really more like a check - no credit involved.

I suggest that you admit to him that you know where the hidden cards are located.

If he is a typical guy he will get over being angry - in his own time.

Praying that you tell the truth and your husband has a forgiving heart.

Peace,

Tom

 

[isaiah5213]

thank you for your replies.

you are all correct. i in no way shape or form, meant to use my posting as a defense for what i did..

when i confessed, i did apologize. when i lie, i am very good about coming back and telling him, and apologizing for it. and i have become better about not lying. but it still is my first instinct to do. it is not right. it is not right that i lie in the first place. i am really working hard on it, but it is not mastered.

he was upset that i did the action, (the credit card is actually our debit card, by the way) and he was upset that i lied to him about it. in fact, the lying took him 3 days to calm down about. now, i have to fight my bitterness, because to discipline me he is now going to the store w/me, he is checking out what i put on the menu, he is hiding the keys so i don't go anywhere while he sleeps or is at work, etc. these are all his reactions, because, again, i say, i am a recovering alcoholic. he knows what i was like in the past. and he is scared that i will go back to that. and i have to pray pray pray not to be bitter. i have to pray not to hate me, nor him. i know i brought this all on myself. that is my consequence.

you are all correct. i shouldn't have spent the money. i need to stop lying. i am hoping that telling you guys, will help me understand and be more convicted about it deeper than i am, so that i NEVER DO THIS AGAIN.

i was mainly putting the post, because i hated my immaturity yesterday, of being mad at him, and feeling like a kid, & my "i-am-gonna-get-that-wallet-cuz-i-know-where-it-is"attitude. it was not right for me to think or feel that way. it was not fully accepting my consequences. and i was working hard not to react to his anger--when his anger is completely one hundred percent justified in this case. to me, it was yet another sign of me not being convicted, how defensive i felt.

that's why i posted.

 

[Jenna]

Yeah, sometimes it can be really hard to humbly take the consequences of our actions without wanting to lash out in bitterness. When I get cranky because I got myself in a mess, I end up doing some type of physical activity. I'll go for a walk and talk with God. Normally by the time I get home, my heart and head have changed and I am more open to willingly laying down in that bed that I made.

There are days when I feel out of control, and I know that I'm doing things that aren't the best for my family and myself. During these times, I'm brutally honest with myself and admit that I can't do anything. I don't have the willpower to stay away from harmful behavior. I don't have the willpower to always speak to my husband with respect when I am upset. However, all things are possible with the Lord. I don't have the power on my own to do these things, but all I have to do is cry out to the Father, and he will empower me to do what is right.

I hope that you understand what I am saying.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

This behavior is like that of a child.

I would remove from you any responsibility I couldn't trust you with. If that means treating you like a five-year-old then so be it. If you had to get a haircut then I would go with you so I could pay for it. If you had to go to the grocery store I would go with you so I could pay for it. Heck if I thought driving a car would give you an opportunity to deceive I would no longer let you drive a car. Once you exhibit the behavior appropriate for a child in latency then I would move on from there. You want to go to the hair place I give you cash and let you take the car. We've moved on to adolescence now. If you do really well I might let you have the check book because some responsible teenagers do have their own bank accounts, at least they did when I was growing up. You mess up, we return to the latency phase and start all over again.

 

[isaiah5213]

i do understand jenna, and thank you..

this, too, is a sin where i just need to give it all over to God. i need to trust him.. i am fully at peace w/the situation now.. isn't it amazing how much one can be okay w/the consequences, once one is convicted, and totally repentant??

now, what i have to work on, is my lack of submission towards my hubby.

 

[Jenna]

That is something that we all struggle with, to varying degrees. Submission isn't always an easy thing, whether it is to God and His will, or to a husband's authority. As human beings, we seem to have a real rebellious streak in there somewhere.