I love being bipolar!

[bsd13]

I realized how much I enjoy being bipolar. Sure some days are a challenge, but all in all it's great! God has blessed me with a gift that allows me to think on a level totally different than most other people. To see things in a totally different light and most people call it a disease. Go figure.

Am I the only one who thinks that being bipolar is a gift from God?

 

[Soulwings]

It's fantastic that you can think like that. It's much better than being down and blaming God for being sick.

I can see where you're coming from. It is a challenge and I am always going to have to fight it, but I love the creativity that it brings. That's probably the best thing about it, you know? I am usually depressed so it's hard sometimes to look on being bipolar as a gift, but there are good times with it as well as bad.

I hope that made some sense.

 

[4Everloved]

I'm going to have to tell a story here. I haven't said much in these threads lately, but bsd sparked something for me.

I'd been running from a bipolar diagnosis for, oh...let's see...27 years, when one day I'd been referred to another therapist and she said I was mixed episode, and I said, "WHAT?"

I started on medicine that day. It just so happened that same day I'd asked a young couple to come speak at the shelter where I work. They have 12 step groups on Thursday nights. Chandra was an acquaintance of mine who I thought a lot of...she'd been a meth addict/dealer, and her boyfriend had been an alcoholic, but now they were sober.

They met me at a certain point and got in my car, and as I greeted them, it just 'came out' of me that I was diagnosed bipolar that day. Chandra smiled and said, "Don't you know that I'm bipolar?" I couldn't believe it. She's so nice and so smart. I'd had the total wrong impression of bipolar, yeah.

At the 12 Steps meeting, I introduced Chandra and her beau and they spoke beautifully. Everyone listened. Then we had the meeting and I spoke not one word or grunt. I sulked, because I didn't want to be bipolar.

"Miss Jan, what's wrong?" two of the ladies said. (I'm usually a bold big mouth at the meetings.) I just shook my head at them silently and returned to my personal pity party. After the meeting, a pastor that had attended started a bible study for those who wanted to stay. About 8 people stayed. I only stayed because Chandra wanted to, and they were riding with me.

The pastor talked about weaknesses, I think. Whatever it was he spoke, it triggered anger in me and I complained to the small group that I was bipolar and I didn't want to be; it was my worst nightmare because my mother had been bipolar. No way, I'm not bipolar, I'm not crazy, blah, blah, blah.

The man sitting next to me who was a resident at the shelter, said, "Well, you know I'm bipolar." (Yes, I'd already known.)

The woman to my left, who was a visitor to the meeting (I'd never seen her there before), said, "I've been on bipolar medicine for 12 years." This is the one who shocked me so badly because I'd watched her through the whole entire meeting and she was full of leadership, charisma, and a sweet spirit. No way could she be bipolar, I thought.

The shelter ministry director said, "Jan, take the medicine and get stable so that God can use you. Someday, maybe God will heal you if he sees fit. Right now you've got to get stable."

'Me????? Unstable?'

Chandra's beau said he wouldn't have her any other way. He said it's a part of her and he loves her that way because she's beautiful inside and out.

"It's a gift," said the lady. "Yes, it is," reiterated Chandra.

I was like a spoiled little kid in the middle of a tantrum, but that night (the first night of my diagnosis), God blessed me and consoled me and confirmed in me that, yes, I'd been bipolar for quite some time. A person doesn't just 'turn up bipolar' at age 47, for pete's sake...and I'd been having huge depression problems since age 20.

So there's my story about bipolar being a gift.

I'm still trying to understand why it is a gift though. I'm learning, but I have a long way to go.

 

[Alive again]

Dear BSD 13! Welcome to the forum! You will be a wonderful voice here and I hope to hear more from you. I am also one who suffers much from the depression side of things. It took 10-12 years after I took a 30 day leave of absence from work for medical reasons to finally find the right med and stabilize enough to return to work (just did on June 7th) And yes bipolar as an illness brings many gifts with it! And it is often in the suffering where we can find that God is faithful and true and has never forsaken us. My faith is so much deeper as I have dealt with the issue of suicidality and depression since I was 16. I also do not want to forget that it can be like a brick wall for some in the depths of depression or hallucinations and psychotic thinking or even just altered thinking to feel like God is truly there. Some here truly struggle with some things that they know are contrary to God and His teaching. For me much of it related to bitterness (which I truly had to deal with!!!) and the rage in the manias-which I abhorred and struggled to understand and control. But I know that I am truly a better, more understanding and accepting person because of this illness and truly see all that God has done to use this in my live and help me to be who I am and have a ministry to others! SO yep, there are many gifts that can come with this illness as well!

 

[4Everloved]

One of the gifts God has given me essentially through and because of the bipolar is compassion. I don't look down on others. I find that many of my "normal?" Christian friends don't have the ability to minister to those who are struggling with certain things. Yet, because I've been through a variety of things, I'm able to empathize and show real compassion and pray with people.

That is truly a gift that I'm thankful for.

 

[Alive again]

I agree 4ever!!!

 

[Jeshu]

Our life is a gift of God!
Please consider - pain conquers, sadness cries, joy rejoices, tender speaks deeply. Just a few of the gifts God brought alive inside of me, to extremes even, all because of mental illness. In Him all things turn to our benefit. Suffering taught me humbleness in a way that a life as a practising Christian never did. Even my most depressed depressions have spiritual content - all things will work for my good in the end. Why despair any longer when despair has had enough to say? So (emotional) pain brings goodness alive inside our chest - endurance - pillars of strength - all surviving mental ill people have plenty off. Gifts of eternity I call them. All ours for free!

Thank God for life, pray we be free, to are who we were supposed to be.

Love

 

[wonderwoman]

Outside my boyfriend, this forum is the only socialization i have with others, particularly bipolars. I have a small family (mother and brother), but we're not very close. For some of you that have seen me around here may know that i've been going through a depression. I may be starting to come around. Still too early to tell, but i do feel more coherent and less withdrawn.

I am so relieved to hear that i'm not the only one who is going through this....it helps me to feel more accepting of myself/condition....less guilty or shamed to be this way. I have a lot of work ahead of me and many new issues to work out....psychological issues that have cropped up as a result of this disorder and how i view myself or how others have made me feel about myself. i believe that god is starting to dig up these thorns that have been slowly taking root in me since i was diagnosed. I won't go into my full story since it's so long and i'm sure my story and journey has not been nearly as bad as many others here, so i should be grateful that my situation hasn't been worse.

As far as seeing this condition as a gift, well, i'm not there yet and don't know that i will....perhaps the gift will be to see the good that can come out of a bad thing or what grace, peace, strength, resilience and communion with god i learn along the way.
Catch me during a manic phase and i'll have plenty good to say....lol....but when going through a seemingly dead end depression, it's hard to feel hopeful or see any good.

I have a dualistic view of my lot at times. In some ways, i think it has made me more humble....humble in that it has made me more sober minded, more appreciative of others/life, more sensitive to those who are disenfranchised like myself, it's put the important things of life in better perspective and caused me to value valuable things/people etc, but on the other hand, sometimes that humility goes to another extreme and it makes me feel small, cowardly, weak, paralyzed and defeated. I was first diagnosed about 8 yrs. ago, though i was suffering from this illness unknowingly for yrs. before. Back then, i just thought myself an irresponsible loser/failure when i'd fall into a debilitating depression and when i'd go into a mania i, of course, became invincible and thought grandly of myself. The cycle went on this way and got worse and worse till finally i tried to slice my wrists during a depression only because i didn't or couldn't face another day of work. Rather than quit or tell someone, or deal with the shame of failure, i found i preferred the cold steel of the blade as a means of escape. My (then) boyfriend found me and i was then diagnosed.

At first i was in denial and being the "know it all" i am, i believed the doc to be mistaken. It wasn't until i noticed the manias and how exact i fit the text book symptoms that i slowly and reluctantly came to accept this diagnosis and that's when i began to comply with meds. Of course there were times when i'd experiment, to make sure, it wasn't in my head...i.e "psychological" and get off the meds to prove to myself whether it was real or not, but after quick consequences and severe symptoms (especially depression), i learned my lesson and returned to the dreaded meds that have caused my weight gain, dulled my memory, and thinned out my hair. Better to be fat and bald than miserable i determined....though the dulled memory is probably the most regretful and saddest things of all, since my wits were such a major part of my life before. i used to be an english teacher, thrived well in academia, was a disciplined creative writer and read avidly. I can't finish a book anymore and my writing...well, probably just here. I don't find that i can access my memory banks as i once did with regards to the subjects i once knew so well. I no longer teach and am now on disability. I honestly don't want to go back to teaching though i did very well and felt god really used my gifts immensely not just in instruction, but on a personal level in these teens lives. I'm still close to some of them till this day and they call me mommy even though they're all grown up. Anyway, see going to work is a huge trigger for me and i need to find another way to do "work"/vocation without the constraints of the rat race 9-5 thing. My dream is to one day run my own jewelry making business. I'm hoping to start small by setting up a website. I already have designed and created a huge inventory of jewelery to sell....i just need to work on the website and get up the courage to take the plunge. I suppose my fear of failing keeps me procrastinating. Oh, forgot to mention that after i went on disability i found another medium through which to express my creativity.....the visual arts...particularly metal smithing and jewelry making. My previous mode of creating was creative writing. Since i had time on my hands once on disability, i became a self taught metal smith and jewelry designer. I learned other mediums, but i focused on this one so as to make a future business/profit. It seemed most practical out of the other mediums i was interested in. With regard to topic at hand, developing as a visual artist is for certain one gift/blessing that has come out of this condition. It is an immensely rich reward and has become such a major part of who i am, so for that i am eternally grateful to god. I can't imagine my life without it and since my work load and schedule before diagnosis was so busy, i probably wouldn't have found the time to cultivate my gifts in this area had it not been for the illness which brought my life to a dead halt.

Anyway, i digress.....what i realize that has happened to me is that, due to this illness, my life has altered in so many ways both physically and psychologically. The other day i took stock of what has been growing in me...or rather, should i say "dying in me".....these thoughts, perceptions and feelings have been mounting for quite some yrs. till they exploded the other day during a discussion with my boyfriend and then after that, i kept having these dreams with the same old themes i've had for yrs. ...themes about shame and being misunderstood. It caused me to keep a dream log and i began to analyze them and discuss these subjects with my boyfriend. Can you tell i need therapy? Sorry for going on, but i just need to get this stuff out.

Anyway, let me try to condense what i'm getting at. The realization i had is that i see that my life has been slowly eroding, diminishing....my world growing smaller and more isolated. My participation in the outside world has virtually vanished. My world now consists of my artwork, my boyfriend, my pets and remaining indoors. I wouldn't say i'm a shut-in in the sense that i have a phobia of open space/people etc....i do walk my dogs and occasionally visit family or go to the deli....but outside of that i really don't feel comfortable "out there".....i just don't feel safe or settled or comfortable. I don't have cabin fever either....it's just the norm now. I've lost a number of friends and no longer go to church or fellowship groups as i once did. I live 10 min. from NYC, which i love, but i hardly venture out there though i often long to. Lots of great museums and other great sites/things to do. This isolation has gotten worst these past 2.5 yrs. since my car went to heaven. I was more mobile before and more apt to go places because of the car. I really think if i had a car, i'd be more motivated to leave my home, which in turn, would bring me to become more social again.

What i'm looking at and asking myself....why have i checked out? A lot has to do with shame and wanting to protect myself. Of course there's the stigma of mental illness which i'm sure all of you can relate to, but for me it's deeper....it has to do with my family upbringing, my culture and the bad experiences i've had with others who have either abandoned me due to my illness, ostracized me, shamed me, didn't believe this illness was real or just ignored and pitied me in a patronizing manner. Being on disability makes it even worse since i come from a culture that really looks down on that. I'm cuban and cubans have a very strong work ethic and strongly value "picking one's self by their bootstraps". For a Cuban, going on welfare or anything of that nature is a great dishonor and shame....it is very taboo. Cubans are very "do it yourself", "make something out of nothing" type of people and they take pride in this....taking a hand-out from the govt or anyone is shaming. Mental illness is of course viewed as something devastating especially by the older generation. Many cultures from older generations hold this view as well. Anyway, my mom, being the histrionic martyr that she is feels that my becoming mentally ill is more of a woe for her than it is for me. A lot of these shame issues i have stem from her. When i first went on disability, i had to go live with her since i couldn't afford housing on my small income. I now have section 8 so i'm in a better head space thanks to my independence....or rather, more accurately described: my dependent independence. When living with her, it was like being in prison. She used to get mad at me for being depressed and criticized me constantly. She was ashamed about me and lied to her friends about my condition. She was even embarrassed of my sudden weight gain, since i was once considered a beaut, and she would whisper to visitors in front of me and tell them that i had a thyroid condition. I can't even begin to tell you how much anger i have towards her even though i know she also loves me dearly and would do anything for me. She's got 2 hearts and i have to be careful with how much exposure i have to her. Some of my friends, church members and even a therapist didn't accept the chemical causes of this illness.....in other words, either it was a devil, faith weakness, laziness, or psychological causes that have caused me to exhibit these symptoms. I am so tired of having to always explain, or validate myself to others and i just want to scream: "i didn't do this to myself" ....i am not weak....it's not my fault....i can't help having these symptoms....it's not in my head!"
These are the words that echo in my dreams.... The thoughts that plague and hurt me. Thank you for taking the time to listen and sharing your words of hope. Please pray that i may one day join the world again and be who god means me to be. I feel as if "it's all over" and lament over "what could have been". I must find a way to stop eroding, to grow rather than diminish...i must find a way to allow god to reinvent me or construct a new mold for this broken vessel i now find myself in.

 

[wonderwoman]

One of the gifts God has given me essentially through and because of the bipolar is compassion. I don't look down on others. I find that many of my "normal?" Christian friends don't have the ability to minister to those who are struggling with certain things. Yet, because I've been through a variety of things, I'm able to empathize and show real compassion and pray with people.

That is truly a gift that I'm thankful for.

totally agree and relate to your comments. i feel this way too! it makes me contemplate on the glory of suffering and the partaking of christ's life and passion. That's why the people were so drawn to christ...cause he understood and shared in their wounded sorrows....unlike the pharisees who contributed nothing but judgment and endless fruitless debates over laws and doctrines. They were clueless and missed the tree and the forest altogether. Blessed are the meek and poor in spirit....now i understand this in a fuller scope. when christ says: come to me all you who are heavy burdened...come learn from me for i am gentle and humble of heart...i think this is what he meant. Learning from him, means partaking in the burden of godly suffering...taking on his load, his yoke...when we suffer with christ our burden turns into a treasure, but when we suffer without him, our burden turns into bitterness.

 

[bsd13]

totally agree and relate to your comments. i feel this way too! it makes me contemplate on the glory of suffering and the partaking of christ's life and passion. That's why the people were so drawn to christ...cause he understood and shared in their wounded sorrows....unlike the pharisees who contributed nothing but judgment and endless fruitless debates over laws and doctrines. They were clueless and missed the tree and the forest altogether. Blessed are the meek and poor in spirit....now i understand this in a fuller scope. when christ says: come to me all you who are heavy burdened...come learn from me for i am gentle and humble of heart...i think this is what he meant. Learning from him, means partaking in the burden of godly suffering...taking on his load, his yoke...when we suffer with christ our burden turns into a treasure, but when we suffer without him, our burden turns into bitterness.

Signed!

 

[wonderwoman]

Signed!

not sure what you mean by "signed"

 

[bsd13]

not sure what you mean by "signed"

It means that someone agrees with a persons statement. That they've put their "signature" to it.

 

[4Everloved]

totally agree and relate to your comments. i feel this way too! it makes me contemplate on the glory of suffering and the partaking of christ's life and passion. That's why the people were so drawn to christ...cause he understood and shared in their wounded sorrows....unlike the pharisees who contributed nothing but judgment and endless fruitless debates over laws and doctrines. They were clueless and missed the tree and the forest altogether. Blessed are the meek and poor in spirit....now i understand this in a fuller scope. when christ says: come to me all you who are heavy burdened...come learn from me for i am gentle and humble of heart...i think this is what he meant. Learning from him, means partaking in the burden of godly suffering...taking on his load, his yoke...when we suffer with christ our burden turns into a treasure, but when we suffer without him, our burden turns into bitterness.

Whoa! Can I copy and paste this, print it, and take it to my Sunday School class? I agree totally, and you expressed this perfectly. It really is all about Jesus, but He's so loving that He acts like it's all about us! Otherwise He wouldn't have died for us.

Bsd, I'm so glad you're here at bp threads. You have really caused me to think and be more thankful!

 

[wonderwoman]

Whoa! Can I copy and paste this, print it, and take it to my Sunday School class? I agree totally, and you expressed this perfectly. It really is all about Jesus, but He's so loving that He acts like it's all about us! Otherwise He wouldn't have died for us.

Bsd, I'm so glad you're here at bp threads. You have really caused me to think and be more thankful!

Yes of course you can share this with your class. These epiphanies come from christ so i can't really take credit for them anyway. I am glad it was of some benefit to you and that our shared burdens comfort one another when we come together. It truly is the work of the holy ghost living in the members of the body. Without the weakest members of the body, the entire body could not function healthily....those organs that are seemingly stronger, must not neglect the importance of the smallest tissue, cell or sinew...is this not true now that we find ourselves at times ignored or hushed? Remember the saying: "the first will be last and the last will be first" ....what a reversal this is from the logic and way of our culture and yet, it is the only thing that makes perfect sense to me just now.
I can suddenly be grateful, that he has made me last or put me at the back of the line only so that when we all turn around to look at him, i will shockingly find my self first and in the lead.
May the race be not only for the swift....
peace out sista

 

[Migdala]

I realized how much I enjoy being bipolar. Sure some days are a challenge, but all in all it's great! God has blessed me with a gift that allows me to think on a level totally different than most other people. To see things in a totally different light and most people call it a disease. Go figure.

Am I the only one who thinks that being bipolar is a gift from God?

The only time I enjoy it is when I'm manic...then I can't even enjoy the good mood because I know that within the next day or so, I'll be crashing into severe depression.

I just ordered a book that looks very interesting-it's called "Psychology debunked" and apparently is written by someone who used to be a psychiatrist who is "debunking" antidepressants and the whole industry of psychology in favor of God's healing.

I think of things like this.....if it is said that we have "chemical imbalances", then why are there no tests that prove this? I've had my brain scanned, and they said it looked just as normal as anyone else's brain-they did not know my mental problems with depression, bipolar, ocd, and anxiety.....and they said my brain was perfectly normal.

Which, to me, proves that there is no such thing as a "chemical imbalance" because I think it would be detected on a brain scan.

I have had a friend with severe bipolar disorder completely healed by Jesus....I have had a friend with major depression healed by Jesus, and I have had a friend with horrible panic attacks and anxiety healed by Jesus.

I believe that He is the ONLY Healer we need.

 

[Jeshu]

The only time I enjoy it is when I'm manic...then I can't even enjoy the good mood because I know that within the next day or so, I'll be crashing into severe depression.

I just ordered a book that looks very interesting-it's called "Psychology debunked" and apparently is written by someone who used to be a psychiatrist who is "debunking" antidepressants and the whole industry of psychology in favor of God's healing.

I think of things like this.....if it is said that we have "chemical imbalances", then why are there no tests that prove this? I've had my brain scanned, and they said it looked just as normal as anyone else's brain-they did not know my mental problems with depression, bipolar, ocd, and anxiety.....and they said my brain was perfectly normal.

Which, to me, proves that there is no such thing as a "chemical imbalance" because I think it would be detected on a brain scan.

I have had a friend with severe bipolar disorder completely healed by Jesus....I have had a friend with major depression healed by Jesus, and I have had a friend with horrible panic attacks and anxiety healed by Jesus.

I believe that He is the ONLY Healer we need.

Welcome!


Amen, amen - though having said that - He has also provided medications to assist us with our condition, just because it is human made doesn't mean it has existence outside of God's purpose or will.

Sure for me medications haven't worked the best, but most of us here are supported to a large degree by drugs of all kinds - this is from God's truth just as much as any benefit we might gain otherwise.

Personally I think much of our pain is caused more by spiritual imbalances rather than our psychological one.

For consider how often we have a twisting mind - which tells us twisted things - turning us into a twisted person.

During such times we are often forced to feel unloving things and hear untrue perspectives, such as despair, fear, guilt, shame, hopelessness, and misery or on the other side of the fence hate, arrogance, pride, rage, rebellion and self hate - all such spirituality is controlled by the devil to hurt God's own with.

Sure such times are not always the case nor do they always rule, but they still are and do - and so The Truth of all those lies enter our soul like water and help shape us into the person that we become.

I do know that my depression was at its worst when I 'consumed' bad things spiritually - like constantly dinning on despair, fear, hopelessness, doubt, unbelief, distrust, confusion and the like. When I stopped doing that, but instead ate God's loving grace and truth my sufferings finally became bearable.


So yes Jesus heals - and yes he also uses medications to achieve such aims - but the trick is to be healed spiritually for that is where our real misery lays and not only ours but everyone who lives on this planet.


Be most blessed!


Gerry

 

[Migdala]

Good points! I've never done well on meds either. They make me violent and suicidal. Not to mention the massive weight gain. But yes, I know a lot of people do well on them.

Personally, I think a lot of the moodswings has to do with undiagnosed allergies or intolerances to food, chemicals, toxins, etc. I know that I can be in the best mood ever, and if I eat something with dairy or soy (especially soy!), I'll be going off on someone, and severely depressed and bawling my eyes out within an hour. Yet I test negative on all allergy tests. It happens every time I eat it though, so I avoid it altogether.

An intolerance to food dyes, caffeine, and MSG can make a sensitive person (like me!) very wired up...which will cause the dreaded "crash" later.

But yeah-consuming bad spiritual things really does harm us so much like you said.