I left my husband-please let me know what you think

[lastblast]

I agree with what you are saying.

When he was first nominated to the board of directors I told him to not accept it because of our marital problems. He went ahead and did it anyway. The pastor and others in church knew of our problems.

That, to me, speaks volumes about the Spiritual well-being of that local church body.............

 

[jessesgirl]

I have been in a similar situation that you are struggling with, except that my ex husband abused me physically. Sometimes you have to walk away to preserve your sanity. I am by no means condoning divorce or seperation but I would not be married to the wonderful, godly man that I am married to now had I not decided to bite the bullet and walk away, I would have spent my life with someone that God didn't intend for me. Instead, I am a living example of what God has in store for you after a seperation or divorce. So I say that if seperation feels right in your heart, do it. We serve a just, forgiving God and by not following what your heart tells you, you may be missing out on some HUGE blessings that He has in store for you. I will be praying for you in the meantime, if you want to talk, just message me and we can talk

 

[lastblast]

I say that if seperation feels right in your heart, do it. We serve a just, forgiving God and by not following what your heart tells you, you may be missing out on some HUGE blessings that He has in store for you.

That, I'm sorry to say, is not biblical counsel. We are never called to "follow our hearts" as the Word of God tells us that our hearts are deceptively wicked. Our hearts will lead us to sin against God and others, not to walk in His blessings. Many times what we look upon as "blessings" are sin in the Lord's eyes. Many think they are presently in "blessed" relationships, but if they would go to the Word of God to see what God says about their relationships, they would know their thinking and God's are very much opposed............Be careful not to encourage others to sin...........

 

[jessesgirl]

I am not by any means encouraging anyone to sin. God writes things on our hearts and we follow them. I am not saying follow every whim that your heart desires, but you cannot tell me that God would want her to stay in a marriage where her husband is not, and has not been for years. You cannot tell me that God would have wanted me to stay in the circumstances that I was in. I serve a God that wants the best for me, a God that even though I have fallen flat on my face, has picked me up and put me back on the path of righteousness. The God I serve has blessed me with a wonderful, godly husband and a child on the way (when I was told I wouldnt have children). No one but God can do these things. So my new marriage and my baby on the way ARE blessings, not sins and I have never felt so right with God. For the two years that I was married to my ex husband, I stayed because I thought that if I left him, I would go straight to hell and God would never forgive me. I beat myself up and kicked myself around because I knew what the bible said about divorce. I knew that no one would want a girl that was 21 and divorced, that the punishment for leaving him would be a lifetime of lonliness. But at the same time, if I am not happy and in my heart, I know I am in the wrong place, isn't it just as much of a sin for me to stay? So no, I am not "encouraging her to sin," I am just saying that we serve a loving, forgiving God and that maybe, 21 years ago, she made a wrong decision and its time to fix it and see all that God has in store for her. Divorced at 22, God led a man into my life that saw past the divorce and past the pain and loved me with every fiber of his being, something that only God can provide-a blessing.

Like I said before, you Ash, I will be praying for you and the blessings that our God has in store for you.

 

[lastblast]

God led a man into my life that saw past the divorce and past the pain and loved me with every fiber of his being, something that only God can provide-a blessing.

jesse,

I will say this as gently as I can to you, but God certainly doe NOT give a command and then bless what we do in opposition to those commands---whether intentionally or ignorantly. If He says..........."whosoever marries one who is divorced, commits adultery", He will not bless those who go ahead and join themselves with another's spouse. Paul taught that if a woman remarries while she has a living husband, she will be called an adulteress (Rom. 7:2-3). However, once her husband has passed away, she will be free to marry again (I Cor. 7:39).

God does indeed bless those relationships ordained and joined by Him as One, but He does not bless those relationships that He Himself has called sin----whether it's a heterosexual relationship or a homosexual relationship.

The whole point of my previous post was to admonish you NOT to counsel others by their hearts leanings, not because I don't believe it wise, but because the Lord has said in His Word not to follow our hearts. Following the "law" written on our hearts is very different as that WILL always agree with the written Word of God.....

 

[jessesgirl]

jesse,

I will say this as gently as I can to you, but God certainly doe NOT give a command and then bless what we do in opposition to those commands---whether intentionally or ignorantly. If He says..........."whosoever marries one who is divorced, commits adultery", He will not bless those who go ahead and join themselves with another's spouse. Paul taught that if a woman remarries while she has a living husband, she will be called an adulteress (Rom. 7:2-3). However, once her husband has passed away, she will be free to marry again (I Cor. 7:39).

God does indeed bless those relationships ordained and joined by Him as One, but He does not bless those relationships that He Himself has called sin----whether it's a heterosexual relationship or a homosexual relationship.

The whole point of my previous post was to admonish you NOT to counsel others by their hearts leanings, not because I don't believe it wise, but because the Lord has said in His Word not to follow our hearts. Following the "law" written on our hearts is very different as that WILL always agree with the written Word of God.....

Yes, I am fully aware of all the passages in the bible that speak of divorce, thank you. I spent many a day and night telling myself that those words were the very reason I should stay in the situation that I was in. However, I didn't ask for counsel.
So I will say this as gently as I can to you, don't judge me for my life decisions. I have been called to use my life as a testimony, and I will continue to do so until the REAL judge tells me to do otherwise. I am secure in my marriage and my relationship with the Lord. I seek my counsel from God and I know that we serve a God that forgives...when we repent, He casts that sin as far as the east is from the west, and I believe with every fiber of my being that He has done just that with my first marriage. I also believe that He has already used, and will continue to use my testimony to reach out to other people who may be struggling in the same ways that I was. I am no different than the former drug addict or the ex-prostitute that are living their lives for the Lord this very second. I don't struggle with it anymore. I could argue the post that you put up with loads and loads of resources and with research and the original biblical text that proves that in 1611 AD, we replaced the word "to put away" with divorce...but why? I have dealt for two years with people who cannot see past these verses, rarely to any avail. So I will not waste my energy, I will say once again to Ash (since this is really about her) that I will keep her in my prayers and leave this discussion with a verse that says just what I have been trying to say all along.

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints"
Ephesians 1:18

Ash, God has a great and wonderful plan for you, you have to do what you know He has written on your heart and that may include going back and righting a wrong from years ago, and you may have to deal with closed-minded people along the way, but He has SO MUCH in store for you, you just have to open the eyes of your heart and accept it.

 

[Ashyah]

I have stayed faithful to my husband as God wants me to.
I am in prayer for healing of my marriage.
I just wonder how this person can be so cold. I stayed in my marriage because of Gods word. Sometimes I have questioned does God want me to stay in a relationship like this? Marriage is supposed to be between two people that love each other. That are emotianally and physically together.

I longed for my husband emotianally and physically I wasn't getting that.

I looked past the no job and other things. But not having him emotianally or physically I couldn't take.

He rented out my bedroom at the house. Didn't care if it hurt me or not. Didn't care what message that sent me.

Today was my daughters birthday I had a dinner for her at her house. I invited just the immediate family. I asked my husband not to bring these people. They showed up. When I got angry and left he just sat there all cool and collected. I had provided all the food and cooking.
I missed my daughters boyfriend proposing to her because of this.

Sometimes I miss him but, I feel that I what I want is the relationship that I am supposed to have with a husband. Not this man. In 21 years he has showed nothing but detachment from me.

 

[Ashyah]

So what did it mean to put away?

 

[jessesgirl]

Ash-
I responded to you by PM, I figure it would be best that way. God bless!

 

[Ashyah]

This has nothing to do with Jessegirls posting at all.

but, I had to go to house the other day to get my mail. It is overnite courier mailing it is a long story my building is giving me a hard time. But, it has been remedied.

I went ove to house and saw that the people are using the whole house. My husband is in a bedroom and this couple has the rest of house. They are using my things. From personal items to decorations to furniture!

I got so mad I had several arguments with my husband.I ended up saying to him that we should put our problems down and try to work on the future.

I then first put my problems with him down but, he wouldn't put his down.

He told me that if I wanted to return that it would be under his terms. That he would still go to the old mans house 3 days a week and that the people would still stay in house. I would have to learn to be a roommate.

To me that means that he doesn't want to be alone with me.

Acouple of days ago I called himto ask him what the insurance payment onthe car that I drive is he told me than asked why? I told him that I am going to start divorce proceedings. He said ok. And we said goodbye.

Tomorrow I am meeting with a lawyer. I am going to ask for maintenance. I have self supported myself so far because I didn't want to hurt him. But, since he doesn't care about me well I am seeing a different person now.

I used to think that he wasn't capable of hurting anyone. But, he is he is hurting someone that he should be so caring about.

God will not give us more than we can bare. Praise God. God is almighty. I love him. And, I know that he will take care of me.

 

[jessesgirl]

Amen ash, God will take care of you and God will provide. I think that your husband gave you that option because he knew that nobody in their right mind would take it. Has he been supporting you financially for as long as the two of you have been married? If so, you should be able to file for alimony. I would also get all of your stuff out of the house (stuff that you don't want taken over by strangers). I dont know about your state, but we are a community property state so what's yours is his and vice versa, there is nothing wrong with you taking your belongings. God bless you again and again and again and I will keep praying!!!

 

[Ashyah]

I went to see attorney today.
I thought it would be easy. But, he said that because my husband doesn't file taxes that they would have to do some researching to find out how much he has made. They would have to check with area banks and vendors. I told him I don't want to go through that.
The attorney couldn't believe that there is no assets and not pensions no anything. I came into this marriage with good credit no debts and joyous. I am leaving with IRS debts, bad credit and depressed and feeling so unloved.
I couldn't even get help from his pastors for counseling.

I am confused whether I am doing the right thing.

But, when I think of all the years that this man has been treating me like this I ask does God want us to live in a marriage with no love?

With no intimacy , no emotional support ?

I wonder.

 

[jessesgirl]

But, when I think of all the years that this man has been treating me like this I ask does God want us to live in a marriage with no love?

With no intimacy , no emotional support ?

I wonder.

The God I serve wouldn't. He has already left the marriage, its time to accept it and start the healing process.

I went into my first marriage the same way...debt free, vibrant, perfect credit and almost four years after my divorce I am still paying for the damage done to my credit by him. Just keep in mind sister, God gives us NOTHING we can't handle with him by our sides. He will never forsake you through any of this. Stay strong in him and there is nothing you cannot do! Much love and hugs....and still praying for YOU.

 

[Ashyah]

Now I am wondering if he is depressed and now becoming alcaholic. Should I abondon him?

I think of how he may be sick but, then I think of how well he treats others and helps them so much!

 

[sdmsanjose]

Ashyah’s quote:
"Now I am wondering if he is depressed and now becoming alcaholic. Should I abondon him?
I think of how he may be sick but, then I think of how well he treats others and helps them so much!"


Sdmsanjose’s response:
Should you abandon him? He abandoned you a long time ago. Are you trying to find a reason to go back to him?
The issue is not how well he treats others the issue is how does he treat you.


Ashyah’s quote:
"Finally I was so depressed and this affected me physically and emotionally. I left him. It has been 4 months since I left. He hasn't made an effort to contact me at all.
When I tried the hardest he told me that he didn't love me!
Turns out that my husband has rented out the bedroom that I used to sleep in.
That to me was a sign that it is really over.
I told him that I am going to start divorce proceedings. He said ok"



Sdmsanjose’s response:
Your quotes above seem to answer your own questions.
Go back and read the posts that we had with each other in July. You said something that contained a lot of wisdom. You said “I am holding on to something that was never there.”

 

[Ashyah]

Yes, that is true.

I really know what is going on I lived with this for 22 years. I know he doesn't care he showed it every single day.

I am just so convicted by will I offend God? Should I have prayed harder? Am I jumping into this too quickly?

I feel comfortable with the separation I sleep well. As long as I don't see what is going on at the house I am just fine. If I go back there he will treat me just like before. There was never any attention from this man.

I also fear that I will spend the rest of my life alone. I don't want that.

But,at same time I don't want to spend it with him. When I was there I used to say I can't see myself spending the rest of my life in a marriage like this. This is not normal!Always wondering is he gay? Is he carrying a torch for someone in his past? Is he depressed? That is how I spent my days in between the tears.

That is not a way to live.

God meant for us to live life in abundance.

 

[Ashyah]

From the beginning God told me to just be quiet and wait on him.
I am not to say or do anything.
I am to not be seen or heard.
He will take care of it.
When ever my husband sees me he is to see me joyous he is to see me the way that I was in beginning of marriage. Even though he was never amorous he was happier. I look at old picture and I see smiles. Something I thought he wasn't capable of. Since he has been so angry for so long.

My relationship with my son is improving. We had issues because of what my husband has allowed him to do at house. Now my son rides over to my house on his bike. I cook for him and talk nothing about the past.That is what God wants me to do.

Today I sent my husband some food with myson. I don't know if he will accept it or not. I will not ask.

 

[jessesgirl]

I don't think so much that its fair to say that all first marriages are God-ordained. I also don't believe that God leads every spouse into our lives. When I met my first husband, I was involved in all sorts of bad things (i.e. alcohol, partying) and I had turned from God. Why, then, would God lead an abusive man to me and say "here you go, marry him." ? That, to me, is absurd. When I met my current husband, I was involed in leading the youth group and closer to God than I had ever been and God lead HIM into my life in HIS time, not mine. You are so quick to judge those of us who are divorced and remarried, saying that we must be living in sin. However, I know at LEAST a dozen men and women who are remarried and are such key factors in God's work. They serve God with such passion and such faithfulness, and are so close in their walk with Him, how can anyone say that they are living in sin? From my experiences, when you are living in sin, God has no part of your life. In fact, God cannot look at sin so he turns his back on it.

I dont think that I or anyone else on this thread is telling her to do to him what he is doing to her. All we are saying is that it may be best at this point to walk away. If he has already walked away physically, emotionally and spiritually, that is what i call "marital unfaithfulness" and that is reason to walk away. We are called to love those who don't deserved to be loved, you are right. But we are not called to stay in a marriage where the other person is not. She can continue to love him because God created him...and not be married to him. I will always love my ex husband, not because of how he treated me but because God called me to. God didnt call me to stay in a marriage where I was abused and near-killed on several ocassions. Jesus calls us to die of self and follow him, but he doesn't call us to stay in a marriage where we are no longer even a person, just a simple being in existence day to day with no feelings and no sense of belonging. Abusive marriages do that, you know. They strip everything you ever knew.

What you see as bad counsel is what we see as life experience that God had led us through. Who are you to judge when I know for a fact that I am in accordance with God's will? The God that you are describing is unforgiving and makes no room for mistakes. I serve a God that makes room for mistakes because he knows that we are human. He also forgives us when we fall away, be that yesterday or be that ten years ago...God forgives.

All marriages have problems and trails, they are inevitable. My husband and I have the same problems that every other healthy marriage has. And we work through them and we get past them, with God's help. In my previous marriage, I tried everything; marriage counseling (with 2 diff. christian counselors who told me it was best to walk away), secular counseling, meetings with my pastor, time, waiting on the Lord..I tried it all...and God finally laid it on my heart to walk away. There was no doubt in my mind. I left him and tried to leave him countless times...and always came back. When I left him the last time, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that 1) I was right where I needed to be and 2) I wouldn't be going back and 3) I was right where GOD WANTED me.

So Ash, I do apologize for being so hasty in suggesting walking away RIGHT AWAY, seems my heart was calloused to God's ability to work things out...as He did this weekend for my sister-in-law and her husband. It is a process, but it is also a process that I don't think he calls each and every one of us to do. You are the ONLY one that can make the decision to walk away, dear sister. My family and friends begged me not to marry my ex husband...begged me from the first week to walk away and it took me two years to finally do so. When I did it, though, when I finally walked away, I had no regrets. So I say to you, Ash, until you know for a FACT that it is where God wants you (as I did, in spite of what some naive and judgemental people may think), I would say wiat for him, but don't underestimate our God...He loves you and he wants what is best for you, whether that be with or without your husband. You are a strong woman of God and He will see you through...no matter what! Only God can answer that question for you. God bless you and I continue to pray for you.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Lastblast's quote:
"I see much in this thread concerning bad counsel-------ie: what he did to you, you must respond to in kind. That type of mentality is not in line with the Lord's Will/Word."


sdmsanjose's reponse:
Lastblast, be more specific, which posts are you refering to? Quote the posts please.

 

[lastblast]

Lastblast, be more specific, which posts are you refering to? Quote the posts please.

Sorry, I don't feel need to be more specific or name names. My point is that counsel needs to come from the Word of God, not our own thoughts, hearts, feelings. If what we counsel or think to do does not line up with God's heart/expressed will as shown in His Word, then we are giving BAD/Unwise counsel or contemplating the wrong things to do.