I keep thinking about someone else :o(

[drainfuselage]

i'll aim to keep this brief as i can.

3 years ago i made good friends with a girl at church, we got on well and we would have a laugh together. she had a year abroad and over the summer we emailed a lot and i started to get to know her better. she asked if i'd like to go visit her, so i did. we had a fantastic week together but during it she shared somethings with me as she felt she could talk to me that reveal some of her burdens in life. she also alluded to the fact she could see us as being more than friends. i wasn't sure what to do and kept silent and then let it be. i didn't know what i felt. then a month or so later i brought it up as i realised i wanted to give things a go. she said she didn't want it and also sited her placement abroad as an issue. things then became awkward and conversation lulled.

roll on 3 years and i've been dating a wonderful girl over the last year. we get on really well and i feel comfortable and happy with her. it's now the time where i'm thinking about the next step - proposing. i know however that the girl who i knew 3 years before is someone i still think about, she came back from abroad and i tried to see if things could be mended but things were awkward between us for a long time. she has moved abroad now and i hear about her from time to time. the thing is..i know that i miss a lot of what it was that this other girl and i had, that time prior to her going abroad, the messages and the week visit were such an enjoyable period of time, and while i know that it all went wrong, and that i know that for all the good there were a lot of things that didn't work i find it hard to shake off the memories of what we shared together.

so i look at the girl i'm with now, we seem ideal for one another and it's been going well..yet i look and think for all the good times we have shared, it has never been like it was with this other girl. i also dread the other girl coming back, which i'm sure she will do and how that'd make me feel. i saw her picture on the church wall the other day newly put up (world connections board) and my heart paused and i just felt that longing from what it was we had. everytime her name is mentioned i get that feeling for a moment before trying to shrug it off and pray it away.

i know that it has gone, i keep telling myself that. i know it is a fantasy but it won't go and it is killing me. i want to be 100% happy with who i am with and replace the previous memories with new ones. but they never seem to exceed what i had those 3 years before.

i just feel i need to share this and see what people say.

 

[Puptart]

The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. You have to stop daydreaming about what you had or what you "could" have, and focus on what you DO have, which is a really great relationship by what you're saying.

Don't throw it away because you keep comparing things to the past. You said the word for it: it's a fantasy, and fantasies while they might be fun can be dangerous and damaging if they start to cause issues with your real life. It seems that this is beginning to cross that line.

You said you expect your current situation to "Exceed" your memories of the past... you need to stop such nonsense. Situations neither exceed nor fall short of things in the past because they are not the same situation with the same people -- they will always be different. You're comparing apples and oranges.

Ultimately you need to do one of two things: You need to stop obsessing over things that don't exist (fact is you don't have a relationship with this other girl, that's all there is to it), or you need to stop leading on your current girlfriend into thinking she has a future with you while you are so conflicted on the inside.

You can't have it both ways. You can't have your fantasy and keep your current girlfriend.. you need to make a choice and you need to stick by it.

Good luck

 

[dayhiker]

If you go thru life and enjoy meeting people, you will have many relationships ie not limited to BF/GF types. Some will last years, some a weekend to months. The ones that stand out we often think it would be nice to have them last the rest of our life. But if that doesn't happen, we have to let that be a memory that is of the past and perhaps a lesson we learn, but today and tomorrow is about how we meet today not some from the past. Sometimes we get blessed with a reunion.

 

[HaigCraylett]

Instead of thinking about what you COULD have with this other lady. Think about what you would have if you didn't have neither of them? Fell lucky you have found someone special.