I Keep Screwing Up

[romen33]

I was feelig like I finally got a grip on this bipolar illness, my wife recently had a new baby and I was feeling happy, confident and on top of the world. I thoght I finally beat this thing. But then a week later I started to get deeply frustrated and angry at myself for all the times in the past that I have screwed up. I kept being bombarded by negative thoughts and I could not make them stop. I prayed but the thoughts kept on coming so I kept getting frustrated until I became deeply depressed. I don't get it, I was so happy and then now I'm depressed. My wife gets upset and worries that the kids will become like me, so I worry she might decide to leave me. I have lost so many friends to this illness, I hope I don't end up losing my family too. I called my doctor and will meet with him next week. I wonder if my meds just quit working, I've heard that that can happen. I don't know what else to do I used to be so well liked by people before, then I had a seizure and became bipolar, this illness has ruined my life.

 

[Loven God]

Bipolar works that way one day you can be up the next day you are down . Going to see your doctor is the right thing to , glad you are doing that . And yes your meds can stop working or you may need more meds it can take time to find the right mix . I took me a year to find my right mix and then six years later they quit working for me and I found myself back in the hospital . They changed my meds and now it has been two years and I am doing fine . I will keep you in my prayers and make sure you keep that doctors appointment .

 

[Trailltrader]

Now you know why you need your medication- when you're on the "upswing" life is awesome! but the "downtick" sucks- get on lithium or another med's and get stabilized before you divorce your wife- or she divorces you and you consider suicide.

I've been in your shoes Sir- they pinched my feet. Do it quickly to keep the emotional pain down

 

[romen33]

I take my medication religiosly and without skipping a dose. I take lamictal and depakote. I think that they just stopped working. I will ask my doctor about lithium, I seem to recall him saying he wanted to only use lithium as a last resort.
I also suspect that the seizure I had or the resulting fall that gave me a blow to the head caused me brain damage. I'm not the smart sharp guy I used to be. I have difficulty thinking and making decisions and people tell me I have no common sense. This only makes me go into a deeper depression. I look in the mirror and see what I've become compared to what I used to be like and it makes me depressed. Everyone is quick to get angry with me and point out my flaws, no one offers help or support. They won't listen to what I have to say they just roll their eyes at me and call me a moron. It really hurts to have come such a long way down, I wonder why God is letting this happen to me.

 

[quietpraiyze]

Calling bipolar a mental illness I think is a misnomer since it actually is a genetic brain disorder. It took me going to college to find that out. Up until that point the “church” had demonized me which wounded me very deeply. They had me thinking I had sinned or done something against God. Once I found out about the brain and neurotransmitters it changed everything. I was healed from those wounds the “church” had inflicted on me and I never looked back.

romen33 the illness is not your fault. Bipolar is a really hard and exhausting illness to deal with because it’s so unpredictable IMO. The highs and lows are the nature of the illness. You know you’ll have highs and lows, you just don’t know when and that’s while you are taking meds. It’s never been if I’ll have another episode but rather when.

I don’t fully understand it, but for some reason I've noticed there’s very little compassion for us. If we’re not demonized, we’re looked down upon, or ignored all together. We’re just not considered like other illnesses. For the most part my family wasn’t there. Not one time have they ever asked me anything about the illness ever. Every time I have an episode, I lose what I thought were friends. Some people will say everybody’s not like this, but I’ve seen enough to know there are A LOT of people who are. The thing that gets me is that I’ve found people who aren’t Saved to be more accepting than those who say they are Saved

 

[Trailltrader]

I take my medication religiosly and without skipping a dose. I take lamictal and depakote. I think that they just stopped working. I will ask my doctor about lithium, I seem to recall him saying he wanted to only use lithium as a last resort.
I also suspect that the seizure I had or the resulting fall that gave me a blow to the head caused me brain damage. I'm not the smart sharp guy I used to be. I have difficulty thinking and making decisions and people tell me I have no common sense. This only makes me go into a deeper depression. I look in the mirror and see what I've become compared to what I used to be like and it makes me depressed. Everyone is quick to get angry with me and point out my flaws, no one offers help or support. They won't listen to what I have to say they just roll their eyes at me and call me a moron. It really hurts to have come such a long way down, I wonder why God is letting this happen to me.

I was on Lithium for 5 years and went from 220 pounds to 285 pounds- so we replaced the lithium with divalprolex which is a sodium based drug. A blow to the head is what caused my problems in the Army- so yeah, it happens.

As far as people insulting you? My family used to do that all the time for 28 years and then one day I picked up the phone, and said "GET OUT! LEAVE! IF YOU DON'T LEAVE, I'LL HAVE THE SHERIFF THROW YOU OUT!"
And thus, I have had a drama free life for the past 5 years.

 

[romen33]

Ok saw my doctor he still doesn't want to put me on lithium. Instead he increase my Depakote to 7.5 mg. he told me if this doesn't work then he will try lithium.
I hope it works. So far I experience no difference. He says lithium require a lot of close monitoring so it's best to leave it as last resort.

 

[Bomichaels1972]

For me personally I have learned meds is just a one leg in a multiple leg table that keeps that table balanced. Managing this disease is very very hard to do. However with hard work I have been successful at managing myself and moods most of the time. Keeping stress under control is huge for me. I do this by eating good foods and exercising a lot. Since I become a long distance runner about a year ago it has done wonders in managing my mood swings. For me it has helped more than meds ever have. I think my meds help but are not an end in themselves. Also, I have several running groups I am involved in and get a lot of encouragement and positivity from. Being around positive people is huge for me. It also helps me get out of my negative streams of thinking. I would try to find time for things every day that makes you a more happier and functioning person. This will then benefit not only yourself but your loved ones too. Be kind and gentle on yourself as well. Yes, it is a very difficult disease to have but it is possible to live with. Keep moving forward and try different things until something works well for you. Over time small changes can make a big difference. Hang in there.

 

[misfit76]

I've done a lot of research on Bipolar Disorder and it may take several tries to find the right medication and dosing for you. Each person is different, what works for one may not work for another. Also about your kids inheriting it from you, from what I have read, it is normally inherited from the mother's side of the family but sometimes not inherited at all. Do you keep a journal? Keeping up with day to day activities and writing down what you did that day and how you felt may help you to find possible triggers that trigger an upward or downward spiral. I have rapid cycling bipolar so I am always an emotional roller-coaster, but I talk to my husband constantly about it. I explain to him this is nothing I have control over and that I wish I did have control over it and that I am trying. He is very understanding. I avoid people, places and other things that have been known to trigger an episode and I have been having less severe and less often episodes. I have had to educate my husband, mom and sister a lot of this, and I'm still researching and learning more. I don't have health insurance so I can't see a psychologist or get the correct meds that I really need so I have to try to find other ways of dealing with it. I don't watch the news. It makes me depressed and have bad anxiety and certain t.v. shows do the same so I don't watch them. I have to do what I have to do to try to remain as stable as possible. I hope this helps some. God Bless and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Trailltrader]

It took 25 years before they found the right meds that would work for me- so don't give up hope

 

[RuthD]

Praying that you find relief. Have you tried positive affirmations. Think really hard about all the good you have done and write those things down and keep telling yourself you are human and good and ask God to guide you. It helps me.