I just need to vent.

Emerald518 · Sep 8, 2019

The title of this post speaks for itself. I just need to vent someplace and have felt like exploding all week.

I've posted a lot about my own personal story on here and how I messed up and missed the plan that God had for me four years ago and in the process forfeited everything I wanted from Him (long story short for those who don't know, I was in a spiritually abusive church that taught me lies about God and I was afraid of Him and angry at Him for a long time. I ended up leaving that church and got baptized and the day I did, God made it clear what He wanted for me and gave me a desire for a certain calling and then made it happen. I was still struggling with a lot of things leftover from that old church as well as other things that had happened to me, like growing up with an abusive father before I knew God and also having no exposure to Christianity until I was on my own as an adult). Even though I had experienced what I did from God, I was still doubtful that He wouldn't hurt me or do something to spoil all of those good things for me if I decided to take them, so I refused them because I was afraid and trying to protect myself...and because of that, I missed all of what He gave me even though I so badly wanted to take it...

It's four years later and right after everything happened, I ran away from God because of how angry I was at Him for taking it away from me or at the very least allowing me to do that, and because of that, I never really developed a relationship with Him. I've also been asking Him for four years if there is any chance at all that He would be willing to give me another chance at what I refused the first time, and I can't tell what He's saying, but I'm 90% sure He is saying "no", and I just can't take it. I wasn't aiming to do anything wrong when I refused all of that from Him...I just couldn't be sure that what God did for me wasn't a random moment of generosity to lure me in only to have Him turn on me and start treating me the way my father treated me and I didn't want to do anything to make Him want to do that to me. I do want to come back to Him and I want to have that relationship with Him, but while I don't have any definite proof that He's going to do and saying what I think He is, I can't make myself get close enough to Him to find out the truth and if this is what He's going to do (take all of those things from me forever and never allow me to have them again because of what I did) then I can't let Him do this to me. All of this has hurt me so bad and the thought of never getting to do what He wanted me to do, what I had a burning desire and passion for at one point and was all set up for me to take...

I'm sorry for being a burden on these forums and for just not doing what I should do and for, frankly, being an annoyance. I don't think there is an end to how broken up all of this has made me and I feel like any day I'm going to crack. I also don't understand why God would choose to take it from me or at least let this happen when He knew that the reason I didn't take it was because I was scared, and scared because of everything I'd been through in my life up until that point...I don't understand how He could know all of that and still choose to hurt me the way I believe He is going to. It's too painful to call it good even though I know it is, but I wish it wasn't...I just can't let Him do this to me...

bèlla · Sep 8, 2019

I don’t understand why God is the bad guy. How did you reach the conclusion that what you felt was from Him? Given your history I think its doubtful that He wouldn’t factor in your fear and uncertainty. God doesn’t play games or do a bait and switch. Are you certain what you heard was from God?

Ricky M · Sep 8, 2019

May the Holy Spirit gift you with discernment. I do believe satan has muddied the waters around you. What you think is of God's, much of it isn't.

paul1149 · Sep 8, 2019

Emerald518 said:
I ran away from God because of how angry I was at Him for taking it away from me or at the very least allowing me to do that, and because of that, I never really developed a relationship with Him. I've also been asking Him for four years if there is any chance at all that He would be willing to give me another chance at what I refused the first time, and I can't tell what He's saying, but I'm 90% sure He is saying "no", and I just can't take it.

You're making a lot of assumptions for being in a place where you're not hearing God. My guess is that He wants you back, for relationship's sake first, not the calling (see the parable of the prodigal son, Lk 15). Then you can discuss what you think you've lost. Generally, to put the thing before the relationship, the gift before the Giver, is not the way it's done. God does things in right spiritual order. Perhaps focus more on Him and on restoring faith in His good character (Heb 11.6), and let God add to you as He will at the proper time (Mt 6.33).

timothyu · Sep 8, 2019

Being a Christian is not supposed to be a matter of self-entitlement. That is the creed of the Adversary and it's minions.

childeye 2 · Sep 8, 2019

Emerald518 said:
The title of this post speaks for itself. I just need to vent someplace and have felt like exploding all week.

I've posted a lot about my own personal story on here and how I messed up and missed the plan that God had for me four years ago and in the process forfeited everything I wanted from Him (long story short for those who don't know, I was in a spiritually abusive church that taught me lies about God and I was afraid of Him and angry at Him for a long time. I ended up leaving that church and got baptized and the day I did, God made it clear what He wanted for me and gave me a desire for a certain calling and then made it happen. I was still struggling with a lot of things leftover from that old church as well as other things that had happened to me, like growing up with an abusive father before I knew God and also having no exposure to Christianity until I was on my own as an adult). Even though I had experienced what I did from God, I was still doubtful that He wouldn't hurt me or do something to spoil all of those good things for me if I decided to take them, so I refused them because I was afraid and trying to protect myself...and because of that, I missed all of what He gave me even though I so badly wanted to take it...

It's four years later and right after everything happened, I ran away from God because of how angry I was at Him for taking it away from me or at the very least allowing me to do that, and because of that, I never really developed a relationship with Him. I've also been asking Him for four years if there is any chance at all that He would be willing to give me another chance at what I refused the first time, and I can't tell what He's saying, but I'm 90% sure He is saying "no", and I just can't take it. I wasn't aiming to do anything wrong when I refused all of that from Him...I just couldn't be sure that what God did for me wasn't a random moment of generosity to lure me in only to have Him turn on me and start treating me the way my father treated me and I didn't want to do anything to make Him want to do that to me. I do want to come back to Him and I want to have that relationship with Him, but while I don't have any definite proof that He's going to do and saying what I think He is, I can't make myself get close enough to Him to find out the truth and if this is what He's going to do (take all of those things from me forever and never allow me to have them again because of what I did) then I can't let Him do this to me. All of this has hurt me so bad and the thought of never getting to do what He wanted me to do, what I had a burning desire and passion for at one point and was all set up for me to take...

I'm sorry for being a burden on these forums and for just not doing what I should do and for, frankly, being an annoyance. I don't think there is an end to how broken up all of this has made me and I feel like any day I'm going to crack. I also don't understand why God would choose to take it from me or at least let this happen when He knew that the reason I didn't take it was because I was scared, and scared because of everything I'd been through in my life up until that point...I don't understand how He could know all of that and still choose to hurt me the way I believe He is going to. It's too painful to call it good even though I know it is, but I wish it wasn't...I just can't let Him do this to me...

If you wish to vent, please slap me in my face over and over again until you tire and weep and finally embrace me. Because, you know, I do understand and care about what you've written.

The hard Truth is that we all need to pick up our cross and prepare to be nailed to it if we are to follow Christ/God. When I finally forgave those who have hurt me, it was because I realized that there is a sickness here in this sick world, and those people who had hurt me were also victims of the same plague. Only then did I feel hope and find joy in Christ, because Love still perseveres within me no matter what this world does to me through faith in His Spirit.

eleos1954 · Sep 8, 2019

Emerald518 said:
The title of this post speaks for itself. I just need to vent someplace and have felt like exploding all week.

I've posted a lot about my own personal story on here and how I messed up and missed the plan that God had for me four years ago and in the process forfeited everything I wanted from Him (long story short for those who don't know, I was in a spiritually abusive church that taught me lies about God and I was afraid of Him and angry at Him for a long time. I ended up leaving that church and got baptized and the day I did, God made it clear what He wanted for me and gave me a desire for a certain calling and then made it happen. I was still struggling with a lot of things leftover from that old church as well as other things that had happened to me, like growing up with an abusive father before I knew God and also having no exposure to Christianity until I was on my own as an adult). Even though I had experienced what I did from God, I was still doubtful that He wouldn't hurt me or do something to spoil all of those good things for me if I decided to take them, so I refused them because I was afraid and trying to protect myself...and because of that, I missed all of what He gave me even though I so badly wanted to take it...

It's four years later and right after everything happened, I ran away from God because of how angry I was at Him for taking it away from me or at the very least allowing me to do that, and because of that, I never really developed a relationship with Him. I've also been asking Him for four years if there is any chance at all that He would be willing to give me another chance at what I refused the first time, and I can't tell what He's saying, but I'm 90% sure He is saying "no", and I just can't take it. I wasn't aiming to do anything wrong when I refused all of that from Him...I just couldn't be sure that what God did for me wasn't a random moment of generosity to lure me in only to have Him turn on me and start treating me the way my father treated me and I didn't want to do anything to make Him want to do that to me. I do want to come back to Him and I want to have that relationship with Him, but while I don't have any definite proof that He's going to do and saying what I think He is, I can't make myself get close enough to Him to find out the truth and if this is what He's going to do (take all of those things from me forever and never allow me to have them again because of what I did) then I can't let Him do this to me. All of this has hurt me so bad and the thought of never getting to do what He wanted me to do, what I had a burning desire and passion for at one point and was all set up for me to take...

I'm sorry for being a burden on these forums and for just not doing what I should do and for, frankly, being an annoyance. I don't think there is an end to how broken up all of this has made me and I feel like any day I'm going to crack. I also don't understand why God would choose to take it from me or at least let this happen when He knew that the reason I didn't take it was because I was scared, and scared because of everything I'd been through in my life up until that point...I don't understand how He could know all of that and still choose to hurt me the way I believe He is going to. It's too painful to call it good even though I know it is, but I wish it wasn't...I just can't let Him do this to me...

Once we’ve learned and embraced this pervasive biblical truth that God is sovereign over all things, Satan may take a new tactic in his assaults on our faith.

The world, the flesh, and the devil may conspire in our suffering to tempt us to be angry at God for bringing or permitting pain and loss into our lives.

Such anger at God is always sin in us in some form or fashion. It is never right to be angry with God. We never have just cause for blaming him. He is always in the right. In him is light, and no darkness at all (1 John 1:5).

Therefore, ask for forgiveness and repent and be humble before the Lord thy God ... and begin anew.

Go to prayer

Dear Lord, Help me! Increase my faith and give me Your strength to help others. Thank You Jesus for praying for me and giving me grace when I don’t deserve it. I love You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Your faith is being shaken by satan and you are swallowing it hook, line and sinker.

Return to your first love .... and stay there ... in good times and bad times.

Emerald518 · Sep 8, 2019

LaBèlla said:
I don’t understand why God is the bad guy. How did you reach the conclusion that what you felt was from Him? Given your history I think its doubtful that He wouldn’t factor in your fear and uncertainty. God doesn’t play games or do a bait and switch. Are you certain what you heard was from God?

It's very complicated, but I'll try to explain. The church that I was in basically portrayed God as a monster to me and after having a human father who was awful to me, I believed everything they said because, well, it matched what I'd experienced growing up with the first and only example of God I had ever had....my father on earth. In that church, I was taught works while grace was preached, and even some other awful things...a pastor's wife told me that everything that happened between my father and I growing up was my fault for not being good enough, and so many other things that happened lead me to the conclusion that God hated me and was constantly on the verge of doing the worst things to me that He could, and that it was my job to keep myself "clean" enough so that He wouldn't...my job to please Him. I was in that church for two years and not only were these things told to me, but I was NEVER taught to analyze scripture, never taught to ready the Bible daily...never taught to test the spirits to see what was from God and what wasn't...

I finally left that church two years after I went in and when I did, I felt like I was escaping from being held captive. I didn't want anything to do with God for awhile and when I started going on and off to the church I go to now, I left service every Sunday afternoon angry at God. But at the same time, there was a part of me that wanted Him and just couldn't understand what was so wrong with me that God didn't seem to want me to have the joy and peace of knowing Him that other Christians had. That literally changed in an instant on the day that I got baptized, because the moment I came up out of that water, all of the darkness and depression and heaviness that I came out of that church with was GONE...and for the first time in my life, I saw that God wasn't the monster I thought He was...at least in that moment I was sure. God revealed to me in the days and weeks after that experience that I had been deceived by that church and that I was actually under the influence of demonic oppression and that He has a plan for what I had gone through...He wanted me to help those in the church who believed that they were saved and knew God, but actually didn't and all of that was to prepare me for what I was going to be dealing with...that was one of the callings He had placed onto my life.

The other calling was related to schooling. I had had a passion for music ever since I was a kid and before I knew God, I was in college to become a music teacher. This was long before anything happened between God and I....this was before I ran out of money and had to leave school because I couldn't afford to pay tuition, before my whole world was turned upside down and all I could think about was God and wondering why this was happening to me and before I went into that awful church where almost everything I was told about Him was a lie and I didn't even know it. A few months after all of this had began, there was a burning desire that started to pop up and kept eating at me, but knowing that I was sinful, I believe that it was a wrong desire and not at all what God wanted for me. The more I ignored it, the more it hounded me, but although I wanted it, I was afraid to ask God for it...I was scared that I would find out that it wasn't what He wanted and that I was right in my initial assumption that it was a sinful desire and I was also afraid that God would even punish me for asking for it...one day I just couldn't take it anymore and broke down and prayed to God, telling Him that this was on my heart, that I really wanted it, but that I was terrified that He would punish me for asking for it or even just say no, and that if it really was what He wanted for me, that He would be willing to confirm it to me in a way that I couldn't doubt. The very next day, scriptures kept popping into my head and with each one I read, it was like being slapped in the face that God was saying yes, that this was what He wanted for me. The ones that hit me the hardest were Psalm 21:2 and Psalm 20:4-5. It was February 22, 2014.

Over the next year and a half, God made a way for me to pursue that. He made a way for me to go back to school part time that fall and take a few credits that I was missing before I switched majors and from that fall onward everything that happened up until now happened...leaving my church, getting baptized, going back to school full time at God's direction and then this...I had no doubt in my mind that God wanted everything for me, but what I did doubt and what the crux of all of this is has to do with whether or not it would be sinful for a Christian to have debt...I was scared that if I quit the job that I had during those two years that I was off school and in that terrible church that I would be sinning. Knowing that I had been deceived in that church made me question everything and I didn't want to fall back into that again. I questioned the desire on my heart to leave my job and when I looked to scripture, it didn't seem like it was something God would want...I read scriptures like Romans 13:8 that seemed to say debt was sinful for Christians, so I shoved that desire down and ran as fast as I could. It was painful to deny it and I wanted to give in, but all I could think about was how I would offend God if I did it and afraid that He might punish me for doing so and take it all away. I realized later that I was wrong in my assumption, and tried to enter into all of that and begged God to help me and then tried to make things work...and God closed that door on me and took it all away....and that's where I'm at now....

I don't think there could be a more perfect example of Numbers 14 paralleled, but I didn't mean for things to turn out this way....I just wanted to please God, make Him happy, obey Him and be as close to perfect for Him as I could...

Emerald518 · Sep 8, 2019

deleted message

bèlla · Sep 8, 2019

Emerald518 said:
It's very complicated, but I'll try to explain.

Thank you for clarifying.

I was in that church for two years

What was your prayer life like at that time?

God revealed to me in the days and weeks after that experience that I had been deceived by that church and that I was actually under the influence of demonic oppression

How did He reveal Himself and that truth to you?

A few months after all of this had began, there was a burning desire that started to pop up and kept eating at me

Was this before you left the other church or after?

It is your belief that your unwillingness to take on debt to attend school was a mistake. And as punishment God removed the opportunity from you?

Have you spoken to a spiritual advisor or member of the clergy about your experiences?

D.A. Wright · Sep 8, 2019

Emerald518 said:
The title of this post speaks for itself. I just need to vent someplace and have felt like exploding all week.

I've posted a lot about my own personal story on here and how I messed up and missed the plan that God had for me four years ago and in the process forfeited everything I wanted from Him (long story short for those who don't know, I was in a spiritually abusive church that taught me lies about God and I was afraid of Him and angry at Him for a long time. I ended up leaving that church and got baptized and the day I did, God made it clear what He wanted for me and gave me a desire for a certain calling and then made it happen. I was still struggling with a lot of things leftover from that old church as well as other things that had happened to me, like growing up with an abusive father before I knew God and also having no exposure to Christianity until I was on my own as an adult). Even though I had experienced what I did from God, I was still doubtful that He wouldn't hurt me or do something to spoil all of those good things for me if I decided to take them, so I refused them because I was afraid and trying to protect myself...and because of that, I missed all of what He gave me even though I so badly wanted to take it...

It's four years later and right after everything happened, I ran away from God because of how angry I was at Him for taking it away from me or at the very least allowing me to do that, and because of that, I never really developed a relationship with Him. I've also been asking Him for four years if there is any chance at all that He would be willing to give me another chance at what I refused the first time, and I can't tell what He's saying, but I'm 90% sure He is saying "no", and I just can't take it. I wasn't aiming to do anything wrong when I refused all of that from Him...I just couldn't be sure that what God did for me wasn't a random moment of generosity to lure me in only to have Him turn on me and start treating me the way my father treated me and I didn't want to do anything to make Him want to do that to me. I do want to come back to Him and I want to have that relationship with Him, but while I don't have any definite proof that He's going to do and saying what I think He is, I can't make myself get close enough to Him to find out the truth and if this is what He's going to do (take all of those things from me forever and never allow me to have them again because of what I did) then I can't let Him do this to me. All of this has hurt me so bad and the thought of never getting to do what He wanted me to do, what I had a burning desire and passion for at one point and was all set up for me to take...

I'm sorry for being a burden on these forums and for just not doing what I should do and for, frankly, being an annoyance. I don't think there is an end to how broken up all of this has made me and I feel like any day I'm going to crack. I also don't understand why God would choose to take it from me or at least let this happen when He knew that the reason I didn't take it was because I was scared, and scared because of everything I'd been through in my life up until that point...I don't understand how He could know all of that and still choose to hurt me the way I believe He is going to. It's too painful to call it good even though I know it is, but I wish it wasn't...I just can't let Him do this to me...

All of the evil representations of the character of God that have been perpetrated upon you are simply the insinuations of the adversary of souls, Satan himself.

It is a very uncomplicated thing to take God at His Word, and yet it is so difficult for one who has suffered what you have. I know your story. At the risk of minimizing your experiences, it is much like my own. I have sat across from a very well-respected therapist for years on a regular basis working through problems not so much unlike the ones you are describing.

But I can tell you with all experiential certainty that the most successful strides I have made in this pursuit have been the ones that consisted entirely of my taking to heart, by exhaustion-induced submission, this uttering—just as it falls—from the lips of The Great Lover Of Souls:

If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest. Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest. This yoke is easy to bear, and this burden is light.
(Matthew 11:28-30)
I like the Contemporary English Version's rendering of this passage. There's something very personal-sounding about it.

You should speak to This Person. He is not the one you have known before. The Great Apostle says: "I die daily." (1 Corinthians 15:31) There is no shame in forsaking all of our past notions about God and being born again fully. For most, if not all of us there is no other way to liberty of spirit. Cast off your bonds, as Christ commands and walk freely with Him. And do not, for a moment, think that He will not receive you as a mother embraces her newborn. There is nothing in heaven or earth to testify otherwise. He has given Himself for and to you. And His love for you is as strong as any you could imagine. He is Love. Your past, which appears as a high mountain has been cast into a much, much deeper ocean. These things are all in the Bible. Search them out and claim them as your own as they really are. The devil has no power comparable to this. It is even so. You need only resign yourself to it.

When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the LORD shall lift up a standard against him.
(Isaiah 59:19)

Emerald518 · Sep 8, 2019

LaBèlla said:
Thank you for clarifying.

What was your prayer life like at that time?

How did He reveal Himself and that truth to you?

Was this before you left the other church or after?

It is your belief that your unwillingness to take on debt to attend school was a mistake. And as punishment God removed the opportunity from you?

Have you spoken to a spiritual advisor or member of the clergy about your experiences?

I'll try to answer these as best I can. This was so long ago that some things are a little fuzzy.

a) I remember my prayer life being really active, actually, but I don't know that I was praying the right way. Like I said in my little story, I was never really exposed to Christianity as a kid beyond going to church a few times when I was a baby, and then my parents didn't take us again. I went into that church with no idea of what I was doing or where I was going, because when I started going back to church, I wasn't a Christian. I know I made some sort of "commitment" to God at one point, so I suppose I was saved, but deceived...anyway, off topic a bit there, but I do remember praying a lot.

b) This one is kind of hard to explain, but after I got baptized, it was like someone pulled a veil off of my face and I understood EVERYTHING. I was sitting in church one Sunday after it happened and all of the sudden I just had this, "thought" pop into my head that seemed to come from someplace other than my own mind, like it was planted there. I just remember thinking and having this little "epiphany" that there were a lot of people in the church like I had been, thinking that they were saved and following Christ when they weren't and many people didn't understand the gospel or what grace really was...I was walking EXTREMELY close with God in the weeks after baptism when this happened and it was something that I just..."knew". After I had that epiphany, I would be reading scripture and God would draw me to certain scriptures and show me what the truth was up against what I had been told they were...it was literally like He was showing me a comparison chart in my head, one column showing the true teaching of certain verses, the other showing me what I had been previously taught that was false....that's the best I can describe to You on that, and other scriptures that He would draw me to talked about deception...Matthew 7 where it talks about "many will say to me 'Lord, Lord'" was one that jumped up and smacked me in the face right away and spoke very clearly to me about a lot of people I had encountered in my former church. That again was just something that I "knew" from walking very, very close with God during that time. God's people know His voice, that's one scripture that I've been able to hold onto, and that's how this situation was...I just "knew" that it was God speaking to me and revealing these things to me.

c) As far as God calling me, the call to music came when I was still in my old church and again, like the last question, it was something that I just "knew". Obviously I had certain scriptures come alive as a confirmation when I prayed and asked for it, and now looking back I know that even asking for what was on my heart was a huge leap of faith for me. I realized not too long ago that all the things God was doing during that time in my life, giving me certain desires and bringing all of the good things my way that He did was to try and get me to see the truth about Him...but obviously something had a very tight grip on me and wouldn't allow me to see that truth until baptism day. The call to help people who are deceived didn't come until after baptism and happened in the way that I described in the previous question.

d) Yes, that is exactly what I believe. Now looking back, I see that it is definitely a possibility that God was asking me to do what I was afraid to do as another step of faith, and He possibly was intending on helping me find another job that would better work with my class schedule...but I didn't see that happening. The thing is, I had looked for another job that whole summer and didn't find one, and since it was my belief that debt was forbidden, at least for me (I thought a lot about Romans 14 during this time and it seemed to be saying that some things were sin for some people, but not for others, and I came to the conclusion that debt would be a sin for me at His decree because I had the means to avoid it through a job I already had). A big reason for not doing that was because I felt like a lot of people I knew in the church (in general, not my particular congregation) were judging me whenever I asked other believers about doing what was on my heart to do. Later on, God showed me the real reason why I was afraid to do what I wanted...I thought I wasn't good enough to have what He wanted for me and had to do something to earn it, hence the "no debt"...being debt free would make me perfect and good enough in my mind to take all of that.

e) Yes, many.

Emerald518 · Sep 8, 2019

D.A. Wright said:
All of the evil representations of the character of God that have been perpetrated upon you are simply the insinuations of the adversary of souls, Satan himself.

It is a very uncomplicated thing to take God at His Word, and yet it is so difficult for one who has suffered what you have. I know your story. At the risk of minimizing your experiences, it is much like my own. I have sat across from a very well-respected therapist for years on a regular basis working through problems not so much unlike the ones you are describing.

But I can tell you with all experiential certainty that the most successful strides I have made in this pursuit have been the ones that consisted entirely of my taking to heart, by exhaustion-induced submission, this uttering—just as it falls—from the lips of The Great Lover Of Souls:

If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest. Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest. This yoke is easy to bear, and this burden is light.
(Matthew 11:28-30)
I like the Contemporary English Version's rendering of this passage. There's something very personal-sounding about it.

You should speak to This Person. He is not the one you have known before. The Great Apostle says: "I die daily." (1 Corinthians 15:31) There is no shame in forsaking all of our past notions about God and being born again fully. For most, if not all of us there is no other way to liberty of spirit. Cast off your bonds, as Christ commands and walk freely with Him. And do not, for a moment, think that He will not receive you as a mother embraces her newborn. There is nothing in heaven or earth to testify otherwise. He has given Himself for and to you. And His love for you is as strong as any you could imagine. He is Love. Your past, which appears as a high mountain has been cast into a much, much deeper ocean. These things are all in the Bible. Search them out and claim them as your own as they really are. The devil has no power comparable to this. It is even so. You need only resign yourself to it.

When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the LORD shall lift up a standard against him.
(Isaiah 59:19)

I don't think you've minimized my experience at all. You've been very respectful and I appreciate that. There have been many people I've encountered in various places that haven't been (not in this thread so far) and it's only exacerbating the problem.

Forgive me if I'm reading into things that aren't there, but I feel the implication from you is that I'm not actually saved. Again, not meaning to cause offence, but it really does bother me when people say things like this because I get the feeling that this is what they imply. I do know that I am saved...I knew the minute that I came up out of that water that I was. I know that baptism doesn't save, but partaking in it was a way of giving my life over to Him and asking Him to be my God..again, I don't mean to act in offense or whatever...

D.A. Wright · Sep 8, 2019

Emerald518 said:
Forgive me if I'm reading into things that aren't there, but I feel the implication from you is that I'm not actually saved.

Nothing could have been further from my intention. Please forgive me for not making that clear. If Paul, indeed, felt he had to "die daily," then certainly conversion has a beginning but never an ending, during this present life. I was first born again 47 years ago, and I have experienced regeneration thousands of times since. And, at times, it has been so powerful that I felt I scarcely knew the Lord before. We are works in progress. Much is made of the distinction between justification (pardon) and sanctification (holiness) but the love that begets both is one and the same. My motto is that if I cannot keep it simple, I simply cannot keep it. My mind is overactive, so this is a matter of survival for me. And I think it would benefit many, including yourself, if I'm hearing you correctly.

Here's a little something to occupy your mind, but only if you find it encourages you.

D.A. Wright · Sep 8, 2019

Emerald518 said:
I do know that I am saved...I knew the minute that I came up out of that water that I was. I know that baptism doesn't save, but partaking in it was a way of giving my life over to Him and asking Him to be my God..again, I don't mean to act in offense or whatever...

I, myself, was re-baptized 22 years ago. And I remember well the exhilaration of coming up from the water the first time, in front of over 3000 people. It is a beautiful gift from God. I was eight years old when I was first converted. My great-grandmother led me to Christ and she was very alert and lucid and she knew I was ready. But my father insisted that I was too young to be baptized. I was so discouraged, I lost very much interest in spiritual things. It took the Lord more years than I'd be anxious to admit to catch my attention once again. But He is faithful. And so good. What others think of you is unimportant. What you know about God is everything. And the news is always good.

Emerald518 · Sep 8, 2019

D.A. Wright said:
I, myself, was re-baptized 22 years ago. And I remember well the exhilaration of coming up from the water the first time, in front of over 3000 people. It is a beautiful gift from God. I was eight years old when I was first converted. My great-grandmother led me to Christ and she was very alert and lucid and she knew I was ready. But my father insisted that I was too young to be baptized. I was so discouraged, I lost very much interest in spiritual things. It took the Lord more years than I'd be anxious to admit to catch my attention once again. But He is faithful. And so good. What others think of you is unimportant. What you know about God is everything. And the news is always good.

LaBèlla said:
It is your belief that your unwillingness to take on debt to attend school was a mistake. And as punishment God removed the opportunity from you?

Emerald518 said:
Yes, that is exactly what I believe.

If I may ask, what exactly are your thoughts on this?

FutureAndAHope · Sep 8, 2019

Emerald518 said:
The title of this post speaks for itself. I just need to vent someplace and have felt like exploding all week.

I've posted a lot about my own personal story on here and how I messed up and missed the plan that God had for me four years ago and in the process forfeited everything I wanted from Him (long story short for those who don't know, I was in a spiritually abusive church that taught me lies about God and I was afraid of Him and angry at Him for a long time. I ended up leaving that church and got baptized and the day I did, God made it clear what He wanted for me and gave me a desire for a certain calling and then made it happen. I was still struggling with a lot of things leftover from that old church as well as other things that had happened to me, like growing up with an abusive father before I knew God and also having no exposure to Christianity until I was on my own as an adult). Even though I had experienced what I did from God, I was still doubtful that He wouldn't hurt me or do something to spoil all of those good things for me if I decided to take them, so I refused them because I was afraid and trying to protect myself...and because of that, I missed all of what He gave me even though I so badly wanted to take it...

It's four years later and right after everything happened, I ran away from God because of how angry I was at Him for taking it away from me or at the very least allowing me to do that, and because of that, I never really developed a relationship with Him. I've also been asking Him for four years if there is any chance at all that He would be willing to give me another chance at what I refused the first time, and I can't tell what He's saying, but I'm 90% sure He is saying "no", and I just can't take it. I wasn't aiming to do anything wrong when I refused all of that from Him...I just couldn't be sure that what God did for me wasn't a random moment of generosity to lure me in only to have Him turn on me and start treating me the way my father treated me and I didn't want to do anything to make Him want to do that to me. I do want to come back to Him and I want to have that relationship with Him, but while I don't have any definite proof that He's going to do and saying what I think He is, I can't make myself get close enough to Him to find out the truth and if this is what He's going to do (take all of those things from me forever and never allow me to have them again because of what I did) then I can't let Him do this to me. All of this has hurt me so bad and the thought of never getting to do what He wanted me to do, what I had a burning desire and passion for at one point and was all set up for me to take...

I'm sorry for being a burden on these forums and for just not doing what I should do and for, frankly, being an annoyance. I don't think there is an end to how broken up all of this has made me and I feel like any day I'm going to crack. I also don't understand why God would choose to take it from me or at least let this happen when He knew that the reason I didn't take it was because I was scared, and scared because of everything I'd been through in my life up until that point...I don't understand how He could know all of that and still choose to hurt me the way I believe He is going to. It's too painful to call it good even though I know it is, but I wish it wasn't...I just can't let Him do this to me...

The only time that God would hold out on you was if it was for your good. The bible says:

Mat 7:11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

I don't know the specifics of what you feel God was wanting to do, if it was something that related to God alone, then I am sure he would be willing to let you have another go. The bible says of our salvation:

Rom 11:29 For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.

I feel this often also refers to the things that God says we can do for Him, or that He wished to do for us. If you look at Peters life as an example, Jesus said "on this rock I will build my church" ... that was a promise to Peter. But Peter stuffed up, denied Jesus, even cursed that he did not know Jesus. But what was the first thing that Jesus said to Peter after meeting him for the first time. After asking Peter "do you love me", three times, He said "feed my sheep" (linked back to the promise, on this rock I will build my church).

You may have stuffed up, made a mess of things, all Jesus wants to know, is can you still love him, "do you love me", Jesus would ask. And what is your promise? What has God promised you? If it is between you and God, a promise of God to you, it is there waiting for you.

The only thing that could prevent it, is if it involved others, and they are no longer in your space. But if it is between you and God, I am sure he is still giving you that promise.

D.A. Wright · Sep 8, 2019

Emerald518 said:
If I may ask, what exactly are your thoughts on this?

I'm not sure if you are addressing me here or not, but since you quoted me, I will presume to chime in. The short answer to the question of debt is that it is a cruel taskmaster. The basic position of Scripture is that not only is the taking on of debt unwise at best, but that this matter is posed as a verily, verily by stating that God's people should not even be engaged in the lending of monies. Generally speaking, If I have money enough to risk in lending, I feel I should instead give it if, of course, the Lord seems to be leading. Barring this judgment, and on the other hand, the possibility that God is punishing you for a mistake made in this life seems somewhat unlikely. He seems to only do that to those who are involved in high-handed, open rebellion, and even then, except in rare cases, it is designed to be redemptive in purpose. If God is calling you to minister in music, you will be surprised at how He will make the way clear for you. You are very young, and you need to exercise exhuberant, youthful faith as often as you have opportunity so that you can quickly begin to expect big things of Him. Let Him lead, but try not to run ahead of Him. He will not fail you. You will see.

For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry. Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him.
(Hebrews 10:37-38)

An Excellent, Free E-book On Cultivating Faith

D.A. Wright · Sep 8, 2019

I would also highly recommend that you avail yourself of the counsel of member LaBèlla. She has a very keen and spiritual mind and heart, at least, in my humble estimation.

Emerald518 · Sep 18, 2019

Emerald518 said:
If I may ask, what exactly are your thoughts on this?

LaBella, I dont mean to bug you, but what are your thoughts on this in particular?

Edit: It didnt show up, but what I'm referring to is the question in which I stayed that, yes, I believe God removed the opportunity because of the mistake I made over not being willing to take on debt to pay for school.

I just need to vent.

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