I just found out that my dearest friend died.

[Susie~Q]

I had a very dear friend in Washington, we were super close. We were engaged for awhile, but then, broke up but continued to be very close friends. He even bought my home when I moved to New Zealand with my new husband. I think the marriage really shook him up, he was in hopes we would get back together again. Well, after I got married, I really started to miss him, but, I had already gotten married and I knew divorce was a big no-no. We still kept in touch via email due to the fact I still had an interest in the house he now had, plus, he would keep me abreast of all the news back home, my hubby did not mind. He was going to let me live in one of his houses if I had gone back home to finish school.

Well, I had not heard a reply to my last email, that was not like him, so, I did a google search on his name to see if maybe he had found a wonderful wife and his announcement would be in the paper. Well, I almost fainted when I saw what I saw. My beloved friend died September the 16th in his sleep, alone at home. The reason I know he was alone was I contacted the manager at the bank whose brother was his best friend, she told me all about it. I still cry when I think about it. He was so good, caring, and a true lover of the Lord. I can not seem to get over it, I just feel responsible for it for some reason. How I wish I had never gotten married, stayed in the states and married him, maybe he would not have died. I truly feel he felt he had nothing to live for, I might as well held a gun to his sweet head. Now, I have no one to speak of, my dear daddy died March of 2012, my mother, 2005, and now Jim. I have my hubby, but, we are not too close, I guess it is my fault again. I have one aunt left in the states, but that is all. I feel empty, lonesome and scared. This past year has been rough, and this is the proverbial icing on the cake. How I miss him.

Satan has a way of making folks feel guilty, and he has been doing a big number on me; all I can think about is how nasty I was at times to him, how I used him and he never complained. NO ONE, and I mean, NO ONE has ever helped me or my family like he did and not throw it in my face, but he never once did. Man, it hurts I apologized many times after I left, he forgave me, but I can not forgive myself.

Rest in peace my dear Jim, you are loved.

 

[cerette]

Sorry to hear of your loss.
We all make mistakes and many of us live with guilt after someone has died, but do remember that everything is in God's Hands. Do you think your friend would wish for you to beat yourself up the rest of your life, or to live a happy life remembering him with joy?

God bless.

 

[RuthD]

I'm very sorry you lost your dear friend. You are going through normal grief aspects and guilt is one of them. Every time I've lost someone I've felt terribly guilty but when I look back now I was just human and we are all forgiven for anything we do. I hope you can find some peace. Your friend is at peace now and would not want you to suffer. Try and remember the good memories with him more than the bad. I hope this helps. God bless you.

 

[bethrow]

awww....I know that loss. I'm so sorry. Just a few years ago a guy that I was madly head over heels with back home in Indiana passed away from a heart attack at 42 years old. I feel so heart broken now.
I also live overseas in Australia and at times I had wished I'd never married and moved here so I could stay back there. You and Jim were closer than the guy that I knew, but my heart still aches. I feel so sad at times. Eric passed away August 4, 2011. I think about him every day.

 

[Susie~Q]

I did not realize how much I had cared for Jim. I so wish I had not married Steve and moved over here to New Zealand, I keep thinking that if I had married Jim, he would be alive still. I cry almost every day over it. Jim was 67, and as I said, his health was not good when I left, and I guess he just gave up.

It seems like ever since I moved over here, nothing has gone right, maybe God is punishing me. If I could do it all again, man, I would do it so different.

 

[emilie mayer]

Jesus took the punishment for us to the cross. Your not being punished. Chin up,keep your eyes on Jesus not the storm. God bless

 

[emilie mayer]

Focus on the Lord and your husband, He deserves that. It was Jims time to go home and be with the Lord. God is in control of when we go. Stop being so hard on yourself. Learn to love your husband with the Lords help. God bless

 

[Angeldove97]

I did not realize how much I had cared for Jim. I so wish I had not married Steve and moved over here to New Zealand, I keep thinking that if I had married Jim, he would be alive still. I cry almost every day over it. Jim was 67, and as I said, his health was not good when I left, and I guess he just gave up.

It seems like ever since I moved over here, nothing has gone right, maybe God is punishing me. If I could do it all again, man, I would do it so different.

Hi Susie
I was looking through profiles this evening and realized I haven't heard from you in awhile. I'm so very sorry to hear that your friend has passed on- don't blame yourself (I know it's easier said than done)- Jim was responsible for his own life and this was his time to be called to the Lord (none of us are capaoble of stopping that).

Also try not to think that things would be greener on the other side- you have no clue what being married to Jim or just staying friends with the current husband would be like- that's not the path you have chosen to walk down.

I keep praying for you and your husband and the marraige you two have.

 

[Susie~Q]

I have been reading the answers here, I appreciate them. I am still so sad over his passing, it has been 6 months today, I feel like my life is torn apart, he was my best friend, cheer-leader, and comforter, NO ONE has been that way before or since, I need him so much, why did Father God have to take him? Why?

 

[blackribbon]

He died because it was his time to die. We all die at some point.

There was a reason why you chose your husband and it is time for you to reembrace that. You owe it to him and you owe it to yourself. Work on your marriage so that doesn't end with regrets.

As for Jim, as much as you would like to believe otherwise, chances are that if you had not left, he still would have died. There is no amount of love that can prevent this from happening...I know many widows of all ages that will testify to this. My husband was 41 when he left this world.

Jim didn't die alone. He died with Jesus standing with him.

It is time to let go of all those regrets and start living your life. It is okay to grieve but don't let the grief control your future or rob you of what you do have in your life.

 

[Susie~Q]

Thanks for your kind reply. I am sure that the Lord was with him when he died, he had such a sweet, child-like faith.

You are probably right that he would have died even if I had stayed and married him, he had very, uncontrollable diabetes and high blood pressure, his numbers use to upset me, especially when he would not take his meds. He had a stubborn streak at times.

The only reason I felt he may have lived was he was so heart-broken when I married Steve, I should have listened to him and not done it, it has been a disaster since day one, but that is another story. It is hard to be in a country and town where no one cares, and where Steve takes up for everyone but me in most cases, it hurts so badly, so add that to my other grief, I am a mess.

I am so sorry that your hubby died at 41, golly, that IS young.

Hugs

 

[blackribbon]

I am praying for your broken heart and your marriage...that God will make it into the one that it should be.