dyanm said:
How did your diagnosis change you (or did it)?
... I asked my daughter: "Am I any different than I was before I was diagnosed with cancer?" ... she replied: "Yeah, you're lazier"
... then she added that the way I was when I was the nicest before is the way I am normally now. Wow, that was a pretty nice complement coming from her!
I remember I was angry a lot. I attributed it to getting passed being depressed and identifying what I was REALLY feeling ... which was usually angry. I was angry because everyone around me seemed so inconsiderate. I was angry because it was my time of the month and I had the RIGHT to be angry. I was angry because God didn't consult me befor he made any decisions regarding my life. *hmph*
... then I was told I had cancer and suddenly, instead of being angry I was just plain scared. Everyone I knew personally who'd had breast cancer had died and I didn't think I would survive either, after all, my tumor was large and every medical person that saw me could not hide their concern. I tried to talk positive to myself ... positive attitude was the best defence, I'd heard, but the fear still knotted up in my belly. I was so scared I hurt.
Furthermore, I couldn't really say how I felt, because everyone was stunned. I felt like they were looking to me as to how they should react to the news. I smiled and said what I was supposed to say: "I'm going to beat it!" ... I think I even believed it.
... and then in the middle of the night, when there was no one around but me and Jesus, I clung to Him, I literally climbed into his lap and cried my fear out like a child. There's nothing so profound as being able to cling to the Savior and feel His arms embrace you and hear His voice softly tell you that everything is going to be okay ... and I knew without a doubt that it would be.
Then suddenly years of bible memorization and sermons and hymns and chorus' became fertilizer and moisture to my nutrient deprived, thirsty roots and the growth that never materialized in years and years as a christian seemed to blossom overnight. If someone asks you why God would allow trials in your life, you should have them come look at me. A wee little thing like cancer transfomed me from a rootbound, grumpy stump of questionable origin to a joyously blooming, fruit bearing child of God.
It isn't that I believed I would be healed of cancer, but that I already knew that God was healing me of the anger and bitterness and all that was attributed to it. My circumstances have not really changed other than I have cancer now ... the difference is that I know God loves me. I know HE knows what's best for my life and the life of each family member. And best of all, I know that trusting Him is the best and most exciting adventure, because no matter how bad it gets, the ending is going to be really really good.