I have decided to open up about this situation...Im reaching out for help

[Living4him09]

Hello,

Right now I feel that I am in a bad situation



I have debated about posted this thread for about a day or two because I figured that maybe I am going through some sort of teen phase. Over the past few months/years I have battled off and on with builemia and anerxorica (sorry I am sured I prolly spelled it wrong). Back when I was about 16 years old, my battle started to take a turn for the worse. I came to the point where I had a negative outlook on food and I still do. I did whatever I could to advoid eating. One day a close friend was over and realized that I really haven't been eating. My mom and my friend started questioning my eating habits, when this happened I went back to "normal" before they could really see what they was thinking might be true.


Currently, I feel like I am losing an even bigger battle to Builemia, Wednesday for the first time I forced myself to throw up the food I had just eaten. Afterwards I felt so much better in a way I had felt happy yet ashamed of what I had just done. I love the feeling it gave me afterwards, and I like the fact that I didn't feel hungry after doing so. Everytime I eat on thursday and friday I was near my mother or my best friend everytime I ate, so I wasn't able to get rid of the food I had just eaten. On friday when I ate by myself for the first time after throwing up for the first time. I almost went into a panic mode. I started crying and breaking down because I wanted to throw it back up so bad. I was really debating back and forth about doing it, then I felt worse because I didn't do it when I know I should have. Lately I haven't stepped on a scale (in some months now) but I know that I have gained weight. When I got on the scale it showed I was loosing but when I looked in the mirror it felt like I was gaining weight. I was in my friends bathroom today and there was a big mirror, when I looked in the mirror I couldn't just see my face and body as "beatiful" like I have once before. All I could see was my flaw. I felt like everyone could see how big I am getting. It's like when I am not around family and friends I literally walk back and forth from out of the bathroom trying to stop myself from throwing up. The reason I didn't do it was not because I think it's wrong, but because I don't want to get caught and don't want anyone to think something is wrong.

I once heard before that having this type or other types of eating disorders is like saying you don't think God did a good job. But I don't look at it that way, it's not God's fault that I have gained weigh (in reality I have gained weight over the years). It's not his fault that I didn't do what I needed to do to stay smaller. But it's like I don't fault him for it, it's not about self-esteem it's about needing to just do what needs to be done to see results. Lately I haven't been able to fast either, I can have the right intention of fasting but it's like mentally I know the fasting would end up not being for spiritual need or anything but a great excuse for not eating or something of the sort. I am not thin, by the BMI standards I am somewhat overweight and tall as well which makes it worse.


I am saying all of this to say that I think that I need help, do you think maybe it's just a teen stage and will pass over time, do you have any help or advice for me?

ThankS

 

[Soulwings]

Hey love, it sounds like you're going through a really tough spot right now. Thanks so much for posting and reaching out for help - I'm glad that I saw this thread, because the ED board is sadly not usually very busy. But anyway - honestly, I think that you should reach out for help IRL... I can't force you, though, and it really doesn't sound like you're ready to do that. However, I don't believe that this is a "teen phase"; lots of teens start diets etc., but they don't all starve/purge (i.e., go to the extremes that you do).

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I take it that you're still a teenager, but the numbers are screened here so you'll have to type out your age.

I'm pretty sure that what you are going through is serious... especially because you say that you can't see the beauty anymore, just the flaw(s). I'm glad that you're not blaming God for this, but despite what you say about it not being about self-esteem, it's "about needing to just do what needs to be done to see results" - I believe that really in the end, it is about self-esteem. Because if you were comfortable with yourself, self-confident, and had a good self-image, you wouldn't be battling with anorexia/bulimia. People that are comfortable with themselves don't take it upon themselves to destroy their bodies. I know you probably don't see it that way right now, but believe me, that is what it is... people who struggle long enough with AN/BN have heart problems, metabolic issues (that's me), and a whole host of other issues - a lot due to the constant purging that comes with severe bulimia, and a lot that come from restricting your body from having proper food intake.

I completely understand what you mean when you say that you love the feeling that purging gives you afterwards. While I have never purged (I did come close a few times to trying but never actually did), I have gotten the same ecstatic feeling of purity etc. from not eating and exercising overly much. It is a false feeling. I know that it feels good, but in order to get better, you have to steer away from seeking out such feelings. Eventually you will get good feelings about being able to eat even though it's difficult and a struggle each time you sit down to eat a meal, or by being able to go into the bathroom without a thought of purging. That is what recovery is all about.

I hope that I'm making some sense here. You wrote a lot and I feel like I can't address all of it because that would be a huge long post (longer than this, lol) and would probably be a bit muddled, as it's not yet six in the morning here yet. Hehe. Anyway... if you want to talk, feel free to visitor message me or PM me - I come on CF most days.

 

[Criada]

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this.
I know it's really hard, but please try to get some help. If you can't talk to your family, is there a school counselor or a youth pastor who you trust?
I work with teens with eating disorders, and have seen one die and several become critically ill... it really isn't a risk worth taking, sweetie.
You can get some support here, but you really do need to think about real life help as well.

Hang in there sweetie.
I hope very much that you can beat this before it gets more of a hold.

 

[Living4him09]

Replying to SoulWings Post:

Yes, I am a teenager I am eighteen years old. I know I hear people say that (it destorys your body) but in a way I almost view it like taking medicine like it has it's benefits and side-effects, and long as you know how often to do it, and when it's time to stop or slack off when doing it than it okay. Like throwing up once a week for like three months, wouldn't be bad but would be enough to maintain or hopefully lose weight. Long as you make a commitment to stop in three months. Couldn't that work as long as your in control of your body?

I am just wondering how is it a false feeling. It's it because in a sense I am taking the easy and quicker way out when I know I really shouldn't? i understand I didn't realize at first that the post was that long I was just typing and typing away.

Thanks for writing me back I do appericate it.

 

[Living4him09]

Replying to Criada:

I am not actually sure if our school (college) has a counselor but it is something that I will look into. There is a youth pastor that I could possiblily talk to about it. I know someone who was BN, they had gotten to the point where they wanted to stop but couldn't, they prayed about it (and God delievered them from it). But I guess the only thing is that person wanted to stop but couldn't. But it's like I want to stop but at the same time I don't want to stop until I see the results.


Thanks I appericate it

 

[Everlasting33]

Sorry you are going through this. I would take it seriously.

It sounds like you feel acceptable when you are at a lower weight. There is a level of self-condemnation about the weight and a sense of "ok, I feel better about myself," after...even if its temporary.

The only problem with that is that our acceptance is now dependent on extrinsic value; something outside ourselves. To place acceptance (which is short lived) on weight implies a high importance on appearance and approval from others.

As a teen, both of those things matter so much so it is challenging for you right now.

What would happen if you let go of the fear behind the need to vomit?

 

[Living4him09]

But the only thing is it really isn't people saying anything about my weight but it's like they don't have to because I am sure they already know I that know I need to lose weight.

I am not sure if I can exactly like go of it, the feeling of needing to throw up. But if I was to give that up the next thing is I would need some pills that would really work, if they didn't work I would go back to the feeling of the need to vomit.

 

[Everlasting33]

But the only thing is it really isn't people saying anything about my weight but it's like they don't have to because I am sure they already know I that know I need to lose weight.

I am not sure if I can exactly like go of it, the feeling of needing to throw up. But if I was to give that up the next thing is I would need some pills that would really work, if they didn't work I would go back to the feeling of the need to vomit.

What would happen if people thought you needed to lose weight?

 

[Living4him09]

If someone actually said it to me that I needed to lose weight or said something about my weight it prolly would make me do what I am feeling that I already need to do. By that I mean I would very soon afterward I would start setting up a schedule of when and how often to throw up. Prolly would be on one end or the other, like throw up everyday, every other day, once a week, once every two weeks, than once a month. I would start doing it frequently than would digress to not doing it as often. The time period I am in each stage would depend on how much I lose. I would set a target amount and when I am down to that weight I would stop and start exercising and all.

 

[Living4him09]

Then on top of that I am a tall teen, I am like 5' 9.5" which is worse. Some people say oh your big but they actually mean tall but I still take it the wrong way. I don't say anything but I do. Then on top of that I have a large chest, D-DD cup which doesn't really help anything. At one point when I was younger I thought about banaging them so they wouldn't seem as large. When people guess my cup size (yes some people have before) and they usually guess a C or D cup. I feel better about my chest size now, but sometimes it can be an inconivence. I have thick thighs and full hips but have small lower legs and of course my tummy. The only place I use to see true beauty was in my face and my hair. Lately my face has been breaking out, not badly or anything but I still notice it. Then my hair has been shedding alot then on top of that my hair dresser didn't cut my hair right and that stressed me out alittle I mean it's shoulder length and at one point about a month ago it was like bra strap length.

 

[Criada]

Sweetie, you really do need to get some help before this goes any further.
If you do need to loose weight, a doctor or dietician can help you to find a healthy plan for going about it.
Your face and hair problems are probably due to lack of the right nutrients - diet affects more than just your weight.
Please find someone to talk to, sweetie

 

[Everlasting33]

When we are in pain, we do not realize that we are hurting ourselves..we may feel it is the best thing for us in the moment.

I understand that its easy for you to want approval from others.

However, you are hurting yourself and the sooner you stop the less likely your future will be impacted by this addiction.

I hurt myself for one year and to this day, I sometimes get urges to hurt myself when I make a mistake. For the sake of a peaceful/joyful future and a healthy you, I highly recommend that you stop ASAP and seek professional help.

In the end, what you are saying to yourself matters...not what you think others are saying (you project your own negative thoughts on them).

Approval is fleeting. Self acceptance is not.

 

[Soulwings]

Oh love, I wish I could let you in to my life so you could see for yourself the lessons that I learned (the hard way). Eating disorders are NOT a diet - you do not end up in control of your body. It gets out of control. You get infatuated with and addicted to the feelings of purging/overexercising/restricting/bingeing (whichever ED a person has - the feelings are addictive). I know that in my case, I got addicted to the feeling of "purity" that I got when I restricted and overexercised. And seeing the number on the scale go down was "heaven." But even if you are in control of what you do now, you probably won't be in the future. I can't tell you for sure, but I do know that for the majority of people with EDs, their disorders spiral out of control.

It's not a fun path. It's scary, and you get to a point where you can't honestly, objectively self-evaluate. Everything becomes fat. Even if you liked a part of your body before, that part will be seen as fat, even if you are in fact emaciated or at least very skinny/slender. I understand the frustrations with a large chest etc. - I share your difficulties, although not your exact bra size, but the feelings are the same. I hate how my body looks - although my husband loves it. Just goes to show that there are people out there who will appreciate what you look like - even if you think you look disgusting.

Please, love, get help NOW. You're ill and need support. I'm pretty sure that your college has a counseling center - most colleges/universities do. Obviously, can't say for sure, but please, look and check it out. Give getting help a chance. Please don't let yourself fall any further. The hair/face issues, as Sarah (Criada) said, are probably due to lack of proper nutrition. I know that when I restricted, my hair fell out - all over my body, including the hair on my arms. Please try to take care of yourself - you deserve it.

 

[Living4him09]

Oh love, I wish I could let you in to my life so you could see for yourself the lessons that I learned (the hard way). Eating disorders are NOT a diet - you do not end up in control of your body. It gets out of control. You get infatuated with and addicted to the feelings of purging/overexercising/restricting/bingeing (whichever ED a person has - the feelings are addictive). I know that in my case, I got addicted to the feeling of "purity" that I got when I restricted and overexercised. And seeing the number on the scale go down was "heaven." But even if you are in control of what you do now, you probably won't be in the future. I can't tell you for sure, but I do know that for the majority of people with EDs, their disorders spiral out of control.

It's not a fun path. It's scary, and you get to a point where you can't honestly, objectively self-evaluate. Everything becomes fat. Even if you liked a part of your body before, that part will be seen as fat, even if you are in fact emaciated or at least very skinny/slender. I understand the frustrations with a large chest etc. - I share your difficulties, although not your exact bra size, but the feelings are the same. I hate how my body looks - although my husband loves it. Just goes to show that there are people out there who will appreciate what you look like - even if you think you look disgusting.

Please, love, get help NOW. You're ill and need support. I'm pretty sure that your college has a counseling center - most colleges/universities do. Obviously, can't say for sure, but please, look and check it out. Give getting help a chance. Please don't let yourself fall any further. The hair/face issues, as Sarah (Criada) said, are probably due to lack of proper nutrition. I know that when I restricted, my hair fell out - all over my body, including the hair on my arms. Please try to take care of yourself - you deserve it.

Over the past week or so I have been thinking about what you have said, and what others have said. I have to agree with you, even though I have tried it only once. I have to admit that I loved the feeling after throwing up, I am starting to realize that it is something that I could get addicted to. But I have been trying to view it as something that could be controled, but as you have said I keep getting this feeling that I will be sucked in before I realize it and heading down the road path, it's like in my mind I shouldn't do it and all and I see the dangers, but it's like in my heart, I look pass it all towards the goal of feeling better and losing weight and all.

Beleive me I know what you mean, I was actually shocked when I looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time I actually liked what I saw. Part of me feels like the result was from throwing up and another part felt better because I ate a banana before I went to sleep and didn't think about throwing it up.

I am starting to see what your talking about and my nails use to be healthy, good length and strong and not they are weak, chipped and everything else. I am not sure why even though I don't have a full fleged ED or anything, I been for the time being over some time been restricting my diet, part of it is on purpose and part of the time I realize it's hard to break out of the habit of eating like eating one meal or like two small meals a day. Even though we are suppose to have three meals a day and all. But for the longest time I would only try and eat once a day and it would be evening time by then. That has gotten better I try to force myself to eat when I feel hungry and don't feel like eating.


But this week has been alot better, but I do think I do need to talk to a couselor before the feeling comes back stronger, but I am happy to say that I did eat by myself today and didn't throw it up or debate about throwing it up. But I gotta do something, I slipped up and mentioned to my mom over the weekend that I just wanted to throw up so bad because I didn't feel well after eating. I use to throw up alot, not now but about a year ago for about four years, because during that time of the month I would be in so much pain that I would throw up and feel better, I don't know because I am talking pills for that reason, but I have wondered maybe I got too use to throwing up, at one point each month I would throw up between 2-7 times in one to two days. I told her today when talking about throwing up (like when mucus is draining into your thoart/stomach and throwing up is like the only way to get it out other than coughing it up). She mentioned she can't stand throwing up, I told her throwing up doesn't bother me anymore because I have gotten use to it and all. But I think I am going to take up that offer to talk to a counselor though as well as my doctors for a good diet plan or possibly pills I can take for it.

 

[Criada]

I'm glad you are going to see someone about it sweetie.
Hang in there, try to look after yourself, and let us know how you get on, ok?

You are in my thoughts.

 

[Living4him09]

Thanks I appericate it, believe me when I say today I am going to eat (Thanksgiving today where I live up) and I will be surrounded by family which is good.

 

[Mayflower1]

I am praying for you Living. I encourage you to open up to someone you trust.

 

[Living4him09]

Thanks I appericate it, something that I haven't done somewhat on purpose is praying about the whole sitaution but I will pray out the situation as well. For some reason this feeling that I am dealing with comes in segements sometimes I think about it alot and it's the only thing on my mind and then there are days, and weeks that go by and I don't even think about it. The first time I fully acted on what I felt. Thanks everyone for the prayers I appericate it.

 

[Living4him09]

Just wanted to stop by and thank everyone for helping me through this situation. Things are a whole lot better now

 

[RuthD]

I'm glad things are going much better for you. God bless you!