I Have A Right To My Sadness

[Good King Edward VI]

At least, that's what I keep thinking as I pump myself full of drugs: drugs to combat panic, drugs to keep me mentally alert, drugs to keep my mood elevated, drugs to help me sleep at night.

The most terrible nightmares, waking up my wife by waking up in tears.

But I can't help thinking that "they" are trying to steal my feelings from me. But I can't help realizing that if I don't take the drugs, my bed will become my grave. As long as the cigarettes keep coming and the ashtray is kept emptied, I might not ever move.

I hate it, I hate it all. I hate it.

Yours,
Jeff

 

[tillyanne]

I'm not sure I totally understand what you are experiencing, but it sounds terrible and i'm really sorry.

Are these recreational drugs? medications prescribed by your doctor to help with the sadness and anxiety you describe?

Are the nightmares memories of something that happened, or things you are afraid will happen, or side effects of whatever you are taking?

 

[Ariel]

Jeff, I am not sure if you are talking about prescription drugs, but if you are, talk to your doctor. Everyone responds differently to meds, and sometimes the prescription or dosage has to be adjusted.

I don't know if you have considered this, but exercise will help you too. Also consider getting out more, even if it's just to walk around.

I am not sure what you mean about the nightmares. If you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, here is the URL to a thread I wrote about my own journey to wellness.

http://christianforums.com/showthread.php?t=6076696

I am praying for you.

 

[Good King Edward VI]

I'm not sure I totally understand what you are experiencing, but it sounds terrible and i'm really sorry.

Are these recreational drugs? medications prescribed by your doctor to help with the sadness and anxiety you describe?

Are the nightmares memories of something that happened, or things you are afraid will happen, or side effects of whatever you are taking?

I apologize to those who replied (and thank you for your replies) for not making exactly clear my situation. A lot of it was simply venting of despondency.

My medications are prescriptions. For years my depression was kept under control by a single anti-depressant (with the occasional necessary switching between drugs as effectiveness wore off), but I suffered a nervous breakdown a bit over two years ago and have since spent hours with a psychiatrist trying to get some mix of drugs worked out that will allow me to function normally again (not to mention the probably hundreds of hours spent in psychotherapy).

(As for recreational drugs, those I left behind when I was graduated from college over a decade ago. However, I am at 46 months sobriety after a year-long stretch of heavy alcohol abuse).

The nightmares, as far as my wife and I can tell, are a function of some of the drugs (or a drug, or interactions). They always relate to either a relapse into alcohol use or some kind of overwhelming, massive catastrophe from which I need to protect my wife and son.

Thanks for listening. I'm glad I found this group (and this website).

Yours,
Jeff

 

[Good King Edward VI]

Jeff, I am not sure if you are talking about prescription drugs, but if you are, talk to your doctor. Everyone responds differently to meds, and sometimes the prescription or dosage has to be adjusted.

I don't know if you have considered this, but exercise will help you too. Also consider getting out more, even if it's just to walk around.

I am not sure what you mean about the nightmares. If you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, here is the URL to a thread I wrote about my own journey to wellness.

I am praying for you.

Ariel,

First of all, thank you for your prayers.

Second, as far as PTSD, a year or more ago I was diagnosed as having it. I have an idea of where it might come from, but "officially" it is a total mystery (i.e., there is nothing in my background that is a proven indicator). But the dreams, as far as I can tell, aren't related to any past events, but rather present/future concerns.

I don't know. Thankfully, they come and go. I will check out your thread on the subject.

Thank you for your reply.

Yours,
Jeff

 

[Criada]

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this, Jeff
It is good that you have medical help, and an understanding wife.
I hope that we can give you some support here.. we don't have all the answers, but many of us have similar stories, and know how debilitating depression can be.
Praying for you, brother.

 

[Jo1]

We are here for you Jeff

 

[Pam60]

Jeff, I am praying for you...I have suffered from depression for most of my life-I remember my first bout with depression was at age 5 or 6 and then having serious medical issues which made it worse....depression is an awful disease and sometimes I think it is worse than physical illness. People do not understand it and that makes you feel alone....but remember, you're not!
What I just want to tell you is to not give up on yourself or God...He loves you when you are feeling well and especially when you are depressed. I used to ask God why He did not take my depression away, why do I suffer physically, emotionally and mentally?
Depression is so painful! I can remember crawling on the floor, begging God to listen to me. It has taken years and I don't have even half of all the answers, but I have learned to manage the depression over the past 6 yrs or so. It doesn't always go away or lessen, but if you can make it through the bouts, depression loses a little bit of its power every time you try and push through.
Sometimes you don't have the strength to do so. Let God take care of you-put yourself in His care and love...I know it is so difficult to do anything when you are having these overwhelming feelings of panic and anxiety and fear.
I'd like to recommend a book that has helped me a lot:
"Conquering Depression: A 30 Day Plan to Finding Happiness" by Mark A. Sutton and Bruce Hennigan, MD
Mr. Sutton has suffered from depression for years-I believe he is a minister....he has some wonderful exercises and helps in this book! It really spoke to me...it emphasizes God's love for those of us who suffer from depression. I hope it might help you and others here.
I am praying for you!
Much love in Christ,
Pam