I have a massively destructive behavior pattern that I need help with. I don't know what to do.

[MaximumCrust]

Please, I really don't need judgments or condemnations. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm giving myself plenty of it. I need help.
I have this behavior pattern I've done my entire life but has recently been accelerating. I like to push people to their breaking point via verbal abuse, betrayal, or other negative action. Then I manipulate them into forgiving me. Then I do it all again. I repeat this until all contact is severed permanently.
Some people write me off right away. Some put up with it for years. I truly do hate myself for it and I desperately want to stop. But I don't feel I can. This behavior is like heroin to me. The "high," the "rush" I get from it is indescribable. Having this kind of power, it's unlike anything else I've ever experienced. Of course, followed by a "hangover" of remorse, shame, and desperation. Currently I'm doing it to the church, pushing clergy and church staff as far as I can push them. I just finished losing a couple friends. I'm permanently banned from reddit. I tried to see a therapist about it (three actually) but just ended up doing it to them and got 86'd from their practices. I have no idea what to do. This high consumes me. I live for it. It makes me feel so alive. I want to stop. But how?

 

[Pop D.]

You have a sinful nature, like all of us, this is just how it manifests in you. We are called to live holy lives. You can't quit because you're trying to do so by your own strength-we must learn to recognize and acknowledge that we cannot live righteously by ourselves-only the Lord can enable us to do so. Pray, meditate on His Word, let Him fill you with His Holy Spirit. When tempted, make a decision to live in obedience.

 

[Michie]

Please, I really don't need judgments or condemnations. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm giving myself plenty of it. I need help.
I have this behavior pattern I've done my entire life but has recently been accelerating. I like to push people to their breaking point via verbal abuse, betrayal, or other negative action. Then I manipulate them into forgiving me. Then I do it all again. I repeat this until all contact is severed permanently.
Some people write me off right away. Some put up with it for years. I truly do hate myself for it and I desperately want to stop. But I don't feel I can. This behavior is like heroin to me. The "high," the "rush" I get from it is indescribable. Having this kind of power, it's unlike anything else I've ever experienced. Of course, followed by a "hangover" of remorse, shame, and desperation. Currently I'm doing it to the church, pushing clergy and church staff as far as I can push them. I just finished losing a couple friends. I'm permanently banned from reddit. I tried to see a therapist about it (three actually) but just ended up doing it to them and got 86'd from their practices. I have no idea what to do. This high consumes me. I live for it. It makes me feel so alive. I want to stop. But how?

Psychiatrist, meds, behavior therapy.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

Please, I really don't need judgments or condemnations. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm giving myself plenty of it. I need help.
I have this behavior pattern I've done my entire life but has recently been accelerating. I like to push people to their breaking point via verbal abuse, betrayal, or other negative action. Then I manipulate them into forgiving me. Then I do it all again. I repeat this until all contact is severed permanently.
Some people write me off right away. Some put up with it for years. I truly do hate myself for it and I desperately want to stop. But I don't feel I can. This behavior is like heroin to me. The "high," the "rush" I get from it is indescribable. Having this kind of power, it's unlike anything else I've ever experienced. Of course, followed by a "hangover" of remorse, shame, and desperation. Currently I'm doing it to the church, pushing clergy and church staff as far as I can push them. I just finished losing a couple friends. I'm permanently banned from reddit. I tried to see a therapist about it (three actually) but just ended up doing it to them and got 86'd from their practices. I have no idea what to do. This high consumes me. I live for it. It makes me feel so alive. I want to stop. But how?

If man can't help then you gotta get help from God. God solutions tend to take decades tho.

 

[Solo81]

Please, I really don't need judgments or condemnations. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm giving myself plenty of it. I need help.
I have this behavior pattern I've done my entire life but has recently been accelerating. I like to push people to their breaking point via verbal abuse, betrayal, or other negative action. Then I manipulate them into forgiving me. Then I do it all again. I repeat this until all contact is severed permanently.
Some people write me off right away. Some put up with it for years. I truly do hate myself for it and I desperately want to stop. But I don't feel I can. This behavior is like heroin to me. The "high," the "rush" I get from it is indescribable. Having this kind of power, it's unlike anything else I've ever experienced. Of course, followed by a "hangover" of remorse, shame, and desperation. Currently I'm doing it to the church, pushing clergy and church staff as far as I can push them. I just finished losing a couple friends. I'm permanently banned from reddit. I tried to see a therapist about it (three actually) but just ended up doing it to them and got 86'd from their practices. I have no idea what to do. This high consumes me. I live for it. It makes me feel so alive. I want to stop. But how?

Are you Christian? You make mention of church, clergy but that doesn't mean you are.

 

[walkswithFire]

Please, I really don't need judgments or condemnations. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm giving myself plenty of it. I need help.
I have this behavior pattern I've done my entire life but has recently been accelerating. I like to push people to their breaking point via verbal abuse, betrayal, or other negative action. Then I manipulate them into forgiving me. Then I do it all again. I repeat this until all contact is severed permanently.
Some people write me off right away. Some put up with it for years. I truly do hate myself for it and I desperately want to stop. But I don't feel I can. This behavior is like heroin to me. The "high," the "rush" I get from it is indescribable. Having this kind of power, it's unlike anything else I've ever experienced. Of course, followed by a "hangover" of remorse, shame, and desperation. Currently I'm doing it to the church, pushing clergy and church staff as far as I can push them. I just finished losing a couple friends. I'm permanently banned from reddit. I tried to see a therapist about it (three actually) but just ended up doing it to them and got 86'd from their practices. I have no idea what to do. This high consumes me. I live for it. It makes me feel so alive. I want to stop. But how?

The spirit of rebellion and lawlessness is of the world. If you are a believer then you must renew your mind with the mind of Christ.
It appears that you haven't kick put off your old man yet. (Colossians 3:9-10 Ephesians 4:22-24, Romans 6:6, Galatians 5:16-18)
This is a process that every new believer must travel with the Holy Spirit. Where are you as a believer in Christ?

 

[MaximumCrust]

The spirit of rebellion and lawlessness is of the world. If you are a believer then you must renew your mind with the mind of Christ.
It appears that you haven't kick put off your old man yet. (Colossians 3:9-10 Ephesians 4:22-24, Romans 6:6, Galatians 5:16-18)
This is a process that every new believer must travel with the Holy Spirit. Where are you as a believer in Christ?

I'm a believer. Baptized. Usually attend services. Daily prayers. Bible reading.

All of that stops when this behavior is switched on

 

[MaximumCrust]

Are you Christian? You make mention of church, clergy but that doesn't mean you are.

I am

 

[MaximumCrust]

You have a sinful nature, like all of us, this is just how it manifests in you. We are called to live holy lives. You can't quit because you're trying to do so by your own strength-we must learn to recognize and acknowledge that we cannot live righteously by ourselves-only the Lord can enable us to do so. Pray, meditate on His Word, let Him fill you with His Holy Spirit. When tempted, make a decision to live in obedience.

Thank you. This helps.

 

[Richard T]

Possibly are reverting to sabotage in your relationships and you are so hurt that you find comfort in pushing these people away that have nothing to do with your original hurts. I used to do that except by leaving, not so much by hostility.

I do pray that someday you reach through and give this hurtful behavior up. That you can learn to have good motives in all your relationships, and that the negative aspects decline. That inside you could find God's love and His healing power to really be able to accept others and love them the way that God designed you to.

As a practical first step, you could confess this and even ask forgiveness and help to those you start this with. Repent too and really think about those that you have hurt in the past if you have not already done so. Lastly, perhaps try and recognize where in life you got the hurt from. Make sure you are forgiving as you look over your past.

Your are right to not ask for anyone to condemn you. That is not understanding or even helpful. God bless

 

[Lukaris]

Maybe you have extra physical and aggressive energy that needs to be utilized better? Maybe some sort of athletic activity like running or even bowling? With some activity, like running or extra walking, you could add prayer as you do it.

 

[walkswithFire]

I'm a believer. Baptized. Usually attend services. Daily prayers. Bible reading.

All of that stops when this behavior is switched on

Then it's an indication that your old man is still functioning and it requires a few steps on your part, taking every thought captive and making them obedient to Christ. ( 2 Corinthiasns 10:5)

Brother @MaximumCrust are you born-again? Meaning: Is the Holy Spirit dwelling within you? If he is,

You need to be praying to God when these things occur and repent of them the moment you realize they are in your mind, then you take the sword of the spirit like Jesus did when he was tempted in the wilderness by Satan and start weilding it. ie: "I command every evil thought and high imagination to flee from me now in Jesus mighty name for the word of God says, "He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4) , and the word of God says: not by might, nor by power but by my spirit says the lord (Zech 4:6), and the word of God says"Submit therefore to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you (James 4:7). and pray...

"Father, I submit myself to you and resist the devil right now and as I do this I Command every high imagination and every evil thought against the knowledge (truth) of God and command you to flee right now, in Jesus mighty name!"

Then you need to fill your life up with the things of God. Read your bible, fellowship with other believers, pray and also ask for prayer, listen to worship and praise music....etc: fill yourself back up!

Added: These scriptures are not exhaustive, there may be others you may like to site as well

 

[tturt]

It's good that you realize what you're doing and want to stop.

Seems you've been hurt previously so you determine to cut their relationship with you before they snip the relationship with you.

I believe that you will take some time before the Lord to sincerely repent & asks Him to forgive you, to remove those hurts from yourself & remove the hurts you've caused Then asks Him to fill you with His love for people.

 

[MaximumCrust]

Thank you all for your kindness. I was expecting a heavy rebuke on this one.

 

[NBB]

There could be an evil spirit doing that, i believe most 'mental conditions' are spiritual problems, remember how Jesus dealt with those.

 

[ozso]

Please, I really don't need judgments or condemnations. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm giving myself plenty of it. I need help.
I have this behavior pattern I've done my entire life but has recently been accelerating. I like to push people to their breaking point via verbal abuse, betrayal, or other negative action. Then I manipulate them into forgiving me. Then I do it all again. I repeat this until all contact is severed permanently.
Some people write me off right away. Some put up with it for years. I truly do hate myself for it and I desperately want to stop. But I don't feel I can. This behavior is like heroin to me. The "high," the "rush" I get from it is indescribable. Having this kind of power, it's unlike anything else I've ever experienced. Of course, followed by a "hangover" of remorse, shame, and desperation. Currently I'm doing it to the church, pushing clergy and church staff as far as I can push them. I just finished losing a couple friends. I'm permanently banned from reddit. I tried to see a therapist about it (three actually) but just ended up doing it to them and got 86'd from their practices. I have no idea what to do. This high consumes me. I live for it. It makes me feel so alive. I want to stop. But how?

Well needless to say you probably have some sort of disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder maybe. At least you're able to recognize it, admit to it and feel remorse afterwords. A lot of social disorders don't include that. It says in your profile that you're Catholic. One thing I like about Catholicism is it's a network. I'd like to think you could tell a priest your situation and he could send you to old hard as nails priest who is experienced in dealing such matters both psychologically and spiritually.

 

[MaximumCrust]

Well needless to say you probably have some sort of disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder maybe. At least you're able to recognize it, admit to it and feel remorse afterwords. A lot of social disorders don't include that. It says in your profile that you're Catholic. One thing I like about Catholicism is it's a network. I'd like to think you could tell a priest your situation and he could send you to old hard as nails priest who is experienced in dealing such matters both psychologically and spiritually.

I'm positive it's oppositional defiant disorder. I've always had it. Kids are supposed to grow out of it. It's gotten worse as an adult if anything. I view the world around me, society in general, as an oppressive fascist master. Even my peers and loved ones. It all has to be opposed and destroyed.

 

[walkswithFire]

I'm positive it's oppositional defiant disorder. I've always had it. Kids are supposed to grow out of it. It's gotten worse as an adult if anything. I view the world around me, society in general, as an oppressive fascist master. Even my peers and loved ones. It all has to be opposed and destroyed.

In ther words, Lawlessness and rebellion.

 

[Petros2015]

This behavior is like heroin to me. The "high," the "rush" I get from it is indescribable. Having this kind of power, it's unlike anything else I've ever experienced.

I used to get a similar ego high off of being treacherous, appearing trustworthy, but knowing I could screw over people. Being "capable of anything" was strength to me. And especially, being capable of anything and not letting others know that I was. An "egomaniac with an insecurity complex". At one point I had the Anarchist's Cookbook hidden inside a bible study binder, ammunition for firearms people didn't know I had beneath a smiling stuffed animal. It's strength all right, but it's strength in the wrong direction. How scary do you need to imagine yourself to be to feel safe? It's like trying to make an omelette by killing a few chickens. You can't harm another in any way, physically, emotionally, mentally, without harming yourself. Even the ego high of thinking harm or indulging hidden resentment or power over others is corrosive.

Repent and practice the opposite. Practice humility. From there, love for self and others can be learned. You won't get the high, but you may start to feel some peace with who you genuinely are when you become genuine. Hand over your imagination - this for me is where the high is, because anything can be done there without consequence, or so I fooled myself. I had to place God above myself and not myself above God to escape this, and it is still a daily struggle. But God willing and action taken, I can genuinely become a good man for it's own sake and not for the sake of deceiving others thinking the ability to do so is a kind of strength.

"What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?" ~Christ

"What good is it to be capable of anything in your imagination, but incapable of Good in reality?" ~Me

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful of what we pretend to be" ~Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night

 

[Petros2015]

It all has to be opposed and destroyed.

Correct. But we have to start with ourselves first and then let Christ build something new there. You and I just tried to save ourselves for last, that's the issue.

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself" ~Leo Tolstoy