Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. It seems that you are experimenting a spiritual battle. Definitely you are a child of God. And God according to the Sacred Word is slow to anger and rich in kindness. God wills that all be saved. That’s why He sent us his only one Son, Jesus to die on the cross for us, overcome dead and sin. He paid with his Precious Blood for all the sins of mankind and gave us eternal life. God gives us free will, and his expecting our answer to be with him. There’s a quote that is says: God creates you without your consent but He can’t save you without your consent” (Saint Augustine). Despite the torment that you are enduring, I encourage you to be in attitude of prayer, if you like open your Bible and tell God in prayer that wish you repent for all your sins and you want to make the decision for Him and some day you can join him to his Church and for eternal life. Have you ever thought to seek a holy pastor who lives the faith for spiritual guidance? Have you thought to discover who defeated Satan and why he died on the cross to save us? Let me tell you, my friend that you are not alone in this battle. Do you have doubts about Jesus Christ and His love for you? Is there something that you sense that makes you feel condemned because of your past? I hope this will enlighten you. Have no fear!! God loves you, even if you feel this way. God calls you by your name, the evil one calls you by your sins. God knows what you are doing and what you are thinking, but the evil one wants you to feel condemned as the way you are describing. Definitely these thoughts come from the enemy that wants to defeat you. But you can take authority and binding in Jesus Name. I will give you an example. I knew someone who, as a younger adult kept hearing blasphemous phrases at random. Not knowing what to do, he told his mother about it and then she prayed special prayers to cast out the demon(s) that were torturing his mind. The prayers seemed to have worked. I will leave this ‘Binding Prayer’ that you can stop those thoughts torturing and send them at the feet of the cross of Jesus. This is the way that the prayer is: Spirit of “mention the name of the spirit, for ex: Fear, anxiety, discouragement, and any other spirit that is interfering with my soul., I bind you in the Name of Jesus, by the power of the most Precious Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ and by the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary, St. Michael the Archangel, the blessed Apostles, Peter and Paul and all of the saints, and I command you to leave N. (Name of person or object)(in this case you say your name) and go to the foot of the Holy Cross to receive your sentence, in the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Please let me share with you this powerful Psalm that I encourage you to read if you like: Psalm 27
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom should I fear?
The LORD is my life’s refuge; of whom should I be afraid?
2 When evildoers come at me
to devour my flesh, These my enemies and foes themselves stumble and fall.
3 Though an army encamp against me, my heart does not fear; Though war be waged against me, even then do I trust.
II
4 One thing I ask of the LORD; this I seek:
To dwell in the LORD’s house all the days of my life,
To gaze on the LORD’s beauty, to visit his temple.
5For God will hide me in his shelter
in time of trouble, He will conceal me in the cover of his tent; and set me high upon a rock.
6Even now my head is held high above my enemies on every side!
I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and chant praise to the LORD.
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I
7Hear my voice, LORD, when I call; have mercy on me and answer me.
8“Come,” says my heart, “seek his face”;
* your face, LORD, do I seek!
9Do not hide your face from me; do not repel your servant in anger.
You are my salvation; do not cast me off; do not forsake me, God my savior!
10Even if my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will take me in.
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11LORD, show me your way; lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
12Do not abandon me to the desire of my foes; malicious and lying witnesses have risen against me.
13I believe I shall see the LORD’s goodness in the land of the living.
14Wait for the LORD, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the LORD!
I hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers my Brother in Jesus Christ!