I hate this stuff

[TULIPgirl]

Here's a complicated obsession for those of you willing to read it:

I've been bothered (bothered? tormented is more like it!) with fear of sexual stuff, like when I did home care for the elderly I was terrified that I might be thinking sexual things about them or that I might touch them inappropriately. Since I had to help them with dressing, bathing, etc. it was awful. I ended up just hating my job! Every time I had to touch them it was so difficult, and I felt like I needed to do it "just right" somehow to prevent anything happening. It was miserable.

So over the summer I moved and met the sweetest guy in the world we love each other a lot. I've told him all about this stuff and he understands, which is awesome, though it was really hard to talk about and still is.

However, the fear has morphed a little bit, because of all the times that I freaked out and thought "what if I had an evil thought in my head when I was helping my client dress? Did I bump into them accidentally or was it on purpose?" Now, my brain is going back over and over and OVER trying to remember and analyze and figure out if I ever did anything wrong, because the way my brain is reasoning is that if I'm an evil person, my boyfriend won't love me any more. I'm terrified of that, so naturally my OCD picks something that will make me increasingly uncertain and worried.

Does this make sense? It's really really bothering me. The only thing that's keeping me going right now is that I have in the past told a Christian counselor about all this, and he didn't seem to think I was crazy or evil...so there's one little shred of outside evidence that I'm not...

I don't know what to do. I really don't.

 

[dabro]

no, your not crazy and ignore answering the ?'s, Example you said did I bump him and your OCD wants a answer. Don't do that. I hope your on med's also. I dealt with Pocd and trust me that is one of the hardest themes to fight. But I understand just hang in there and I think your BF will support you.

 

[TULIPgirl]

Thank you for answering. I hope it will get better...this is definitely one of the worst obsessions I have ever had, at least as far as making me upset and panicking. I was on Luvox for several months, but since I was doing good for a while I came off of it. (I really didn't want to take meds at all!) But I've had a lot of stress lately and the OCD is kicking in again.

 

[peacebwithu2]

i agree with dabro dont feed it by answering the questions ..i too suffer with this its awful i used to have it around my nephew and i can tell you how alwful that is i would never ever ever do anything inappropriate to a child or adult like that ..i think the worst part is the guilt for having them in the first place that and too the doubt that says what if somehow secretly i want to do these things but what you and i must remember is that if we wanted it we would take pleasure from it AND WE DO NOT ,,

 

[Catherineanne]

Here's a complicated obsession for those of you willing to read it:

I've been bothered (bothered? tormented is more like it!) with fear of sexual stuff, like when I did home care for the elderly I was terrified that I might be thinking sexual things about them or that I might touch them inappropriately. Since I had to help them with dressing, bathing, etc. it was awful. I ended up just hating my job! Every time I had to touch them it was so difficult, and I felt like I needed to do it "just right" somehow to prevent anything happening. It was miserable.

So over the summer I moved and met the sweetest guy in the world we love each other a lot. I've told him all about this stuff and he understands, which is awesome, though it was really hard to talk about and still is.

However, the fear has morphed a little bit, because of all the times that I freaked out and thought "what if I had an evil thought in my head when I was helping my client dress? Did I bump into them accidentally or was it on purpose?" Now, my brain is going back over and over and OVER trying to remember and analyze and figure out if I ever did anything wrong, because the way my brain is reasoning is that if I'm an evil person, my boyfriend won't love me any more. I'm terrified of that, so naturally my OCD picks something that will make me increasingly uncertain and worried.

Does this make sense? It's really really bothering me. The only thing that's keeping me going right now is that I have in the past told a Christian counselor about all this, and he didn't seem to think I was crazy or evil...so there's one little shred of outside evidence that I'm not...

I don't know what to do. I really don't.

First of all, this is not just a problem for those with OCD. When my cousin was born, 25 years ago, my older brother confided in me about her. He said he would never hold a baby girl in his arms, or on his knee, in case people thought he was being inappropriate, or thinking the wrong thing about the child.

Fast forward to the day he met my daughter for the first time, when she was a couple of days old; I put her into his arms straight away, and he looked uncomfortable, but he got used to it. He has never been exactly comfortable around girls, but he copes, just. Fortunately he had three boys, so he never had to worry about his own girl, just the girls they bring home.

Anyway, all of that is just to illustrate that this is a sensitive issue, and one which anyone with any sense will be careful of. And therefore it also makes sense that someone who is prone to OCD will find it particularly difficult to cope with.

I think what it easy to see from the outside, but what you are probably unaware of yourself, is that abusers do not wrestle with whether they have hurt someone inadvertantly or not; they simply do not care. They are oblivious to everything except the gratification of their own desires. And that is most certainly not a description of you, is it? So the very fact that you are concerned about this issue, and searching your heart about it, is very strong evidence that you are not ever going to be capable of abusing anyone, let alone a vulnerable elderly person. In fact, I would be willing to bet that if anyone asked those vulnerable people about the people who had looked after them, they would say that you were one of the most gentle, and most considerate carers they ever had.

You are most certainly not crazy or evil. I am sure your boyfriend already knows this, and has perhaps already told you. Well, I am also telling you; you are very caring, very compassionate, and are the very last person in the world to be suspected of anything untoward; quite simply it is not part of who you are.

I wish you well with your new relationship. Have fun.

 

[TULIPgirl]

Catherineanne,
Thank you so much for your reply...even though my mind still won't quite shut up, it feels a little better, and I'm a little more hopeful that it will get back to "normal" in a while. I'm glad there are people who understand this crazy stuff. My boyfriend is really good about it too, and encourages me to talk about it instead of keeping it in. That helps some

 

[LadyL]

I hate it too, so thankful that God has blessed you with a great guy that is sympathetic and understanding.

 

[gracealone]

Catherineanne,
Thank you so much for your reply...even though my mind still won't quite shut up, it feels a little better, and I'm a little more hopeful that it will get back to "normal" in a while. I'm glad there are people who understand this crazy stuff. My boyfriend is really good about it too, and encourages me to talk about it instead of keeping it in. That helps some

Hey Tulipgirl,
Sorry the OCD latched onto your relationship. Proof this person really means a lot to you. It's OK that your "mind won't shut up". Don't try and make it do that. You can't unthink a thought and the harder you try to do that the more you will think it. So let your brain blab all it wants, let the thoughts be there as uncontrolled events. As a matter of fact give space for them in your brain but instead of paying attention to them make them "take a seat in the waiting room." Don't fight with them, don't try to disprove them, answer them, push them away, or seek reassurance about them. Any of those activities will trick your brain into thinking they are urgent or valid. When that happens the cycle starts all over again.
It's really tough to do this when our brain is sending out all those, "time to totally freak out" signals. Just try to remember that those signals are just false alarms resulting from a misfiring in the anxiety center of your brain.
This is how I try to deal with my OCD themes. I'm not always successful but the trick is to keep on trying till you get it right.
Praying for you,
Mitzi

 

[Piper55]

Hi Tulipgirl,

I just wanted to tell you that I can really relate to what you're going through. I started having disturbing sexual thoughts about babies while I was in my last trimester and it only got worse (combined with violent scary thoughts) after I had my son. It's been the biggest, scariest struggle of my life and I know what it's like to try, try, try to analyze every movement and touch. I really feel for you.

It's wonderful that you've been able to share all this with your boyfriend and that he's so supportive. That took courage on your part. Thanks for posting about your struggle here, it makes me feel less alone.

Take care,
Piper

 

[TULIPgirl]

You know, it's amazing to me how many people on here obviously understand this problem...I was starting to think I was almost the only one with this stupid obsession. Piper, thank you so much for posting...one of the things that scares me about having children (which my boyfriend and I plan to once we get married) is that I'm afraid it's going to be a miserable time of analyzing everything...what have you done to help yourself with your struggle? Any suggestions?

 

[Piper55]

Hi again--sorry, I lost track of this post! I'm still learning my way around the message board.

I think it's great that you are being proactive--not that I wish anyone would worry before having a baby, but at least if you know that it's something you might have to deal with you can be better prepared.

About what's worked for me: I have a friend who also has a baby and went through a similar experience with her son. Her situation/thoughts were a little different than mine, but overall it was tremendously helpful to be able to talk with someone about what I was going through and realize that I wasn't crazy or sick or a secret pedophile. You might also check out the postpartum mood disorder board on yuku. There are some wonderful, caring women there who have great information on things that have helped them. It's also a great place to vent.

I tried medication (SSRI) but it made me worse, so I am now taking an herbal supplement to increase my seratonin which has been so helpful. I mostly "flare" now just when I have PMS. Still incredibly frustrating, but at least it's not all the time. Other than that, I did counseling (a little), hypnosis (for relaxation) and try to have regular times throughout the week when I have a sitter for the baby so that I can work, uninterrupted. I'm someone who CRAVES silence and lots of time to think and process things--not possible with a baby I've learned! I also use exercise (walking with baby and yoga) to get rid of stress and help boost my mood. I've also just prayed a lot, that God will help me find the resources that I most need to help me through. There have been some very dismal times, but through it all I know that God's been with me and has sent me the help I've needed. Lastly, I would recommend, if at ALL possible to have someone who can get up with the baby, even a few nights a week. Sleep is incredibly important, at least to me, and having it interrupted constantly feels like torture! My mood was much better and I felt more able to handle the OCD stuff on the days when I got to sleep for a full 8 hours.

Feel free to PM me with any other questions.

 

[TULIPgirl]

Thanks, that was helpful. I know what you mean about getting enough sleep, too...I flare really badly when I don't get my 8 hours in!

 

[albertwigs]

I too suffer with this its awful that I used to have it around my nephew and I can tell you how awful that is i would never ever ever do anything inappropriate to a child or adult like that .I think the worst part is the guilt for having them in the first place that and too the doubt.I want to clear my process in nearby future.

 

[shelovesChrist]

Tulipgirl,

I'm glad you have an understanding boyfriend who is by your side.

When I wake up, I have a million, I don't want to do this, I don't want to think this, I don't want to seem like. . .blah blah blah

Instead, we need to try to think more positively, and it's hard, but instead of focusing on what we don't want, we need to focus on what we do want.

I like how Mitzi said, take a seat in the waiting room, because sometimes the thoughts pour in that all I can do is sign, roll my eyes, and wait for them to pass.

I used to have intrusive thoughts about little children. And it would make me so mad because I love kids. One instance a little girl had ran to the bathroom crying becaus a group of us were playing uno and I went in to comfort her, and I held her hand and led her out and told her she could be my partner and that it was okay. And i thought to myself, although my brain makes me feel bad, I'm acting doing a good thing. those moments are beautiful. . .

think the worst part is the guilt for having them in the first place true, because it makes us self evaluate ourselves in a negative waythat and too the doubt that says what if somehow secretly i want to do these things but what you and i must remember is that if we wanted it we would take pleasure from it AND WE DO NOT ,, amen

praying for you. its hard that we're so complex and sometimes we over analyze everything, but overtime we will get better. the Lord will see us through.

 

[jodocd]

Man the intrusive thoughts,urges, doubts, fears that go along with this are so aweful. I would rather have all my limbs cut off I think. I am a mother of two girls who I love to pieces. My bad thoughts and POCD started one day out of the blue while I was a nanny for two girls. I had been there nanny for a couple years and then bam I had one weird thougth and then could never let it go. I actually left my job becuase I couldnt handle crying every night anymore.
It comes and goes but since having my kids it has been really ruff. And I know that it is an attack from the enemy. As I am such a patient and loving mother and the enemy wants to destroy me.
I have so much doubt, I doubt every action I take with my kids and even doubt weither I did something bad or not, when I know that I didnt deep down. But I cant shake the doubt. I just wanted you all to know that I understand this and share your pain. But we have to remember God lets us go through things for a reason and only a season. Blessings to you all!

 

[shelovesChrist]

But we have to remember God lets us go through things for a reason and only a season.

Amen. And He won't ever leave us either, He knows our heart and knows if we truly desired those things. I love Him. =]

Praying

 

[gracealone]

Hi,
Just wanted to let you know that my OCD went there too when my children were little - a true horror show in my brain.
I also wanted to just say a few words about this being "attacks from the enemy". While I agree that satan certainly oppresses and afflicts Christians -OCD isn't a special/specific case of spiritual attack any more so than when a Christian develops another really dreadful illness or disease. If we make too much of the thoughts by attributing them to satan planting thoughts in our minds we will end up focusing on him rather than focusing on the character of God.
Our brains are made up of flesh and blood and function through the flow of finely tuned chemistry - so when that gets out of whack we experience things like OCD, depression, panic disorder, bipolar disorder, etc.
The thoughts are meaningless uncontrolled events and we must understand that literally everyone has the occasional unwanted/intrusive thought or disturbing image pop up in their mind. But not everyone has the imbalanced serotonin levels which causes their brain to over react and latch onto the thoughts. This is what's behind our OCD. It's still an affliction and yes... satan delights in our pain but we musn't make the mistake of attributing the content of our thoughts to him or we'll end up with yet another scary obsession - ie. satanic influence. I've been down that horrifying circular path to nowhere - not fun and not helpful.
Instead we need to continue to walk steadfastly in our faith while addressing our OCD as a real disorder and by taking full advantage of real and effective treatments just as we would for diabetes, hypertension, or high cholesterol. Doing so is an exercise in common sense.
That's how I view and handle my Pure "O" OCD, POCD, Religious OCD and Panic disorder. Just wanted to share that.
Praying for you,
Mitzi

Man the intrusive thoughts,urges, doubts, fears that go along with this are so aweful. I would rather have all my limbs cut off I think. I am a mother of two girls who I love to pieces. My bad thoughts and POCD started one day out of the blue while I was a nanny for two girls. I had been there nanny for a couple years and then bam I had one weird thougth and then could never let it go. I actually left my job becuase I couldnt handle crying every night anymore.
It comes and goes but since having my kids it has been really ruff. And I know that it is an attack from the enemy. As I am such a patient and loving mother and the enemy wants to destroy me.
I have so much doubt, I doubt every action I take with my kids and even doubt weither I did something bad or not, when I know that I didnt deep down. But I cant shake the doubt. I just wanted you all to know that I understand this and share your pain. But we have to remember God lets us go through things for a reason and only a season. Blessings to you all!

 

[TULIPgirl]

You know, I don't know how those of you who already have kids manage with this...because I don't even HAVE kids yet and I'm totally freaking out! I'm scared to have kids, I'm scared I'll spend all my time worrying and obsessing over stuff...I'm borrowing trouble, I know, but I can't seem to stop it. This is so awful and I just don't know what to do...my husband and I thought I was pregnant (false alarm) and I practically had hysterics because I was so scared.
I hate OCD!

 

[kaykay9.0]

You know, I don't know how those of you who already have kids manage with this...because I don't even HAVE kids yet and I'm totally freaking out! I'm scared to have kids, I'm scared I'll spend all my time worrying and obsessing over stuff...I'm borrowing trouble, I know, but I can't seem to stop it. This is so awful and I just don't know what to do...my husband and I thought I was pregnant (false alarm) and I practically had hysterics because I was so scared.
I hate OCD!

I hate it too and am believing for all of us to be delivered/healed from it. In the meantime, are you getting any treatment or counseling for your OCD battles?

 

[jodocd]

I have such great days and then BAM!!!

I love my kids so so so much. It was hard today because my three year old was being sassy and hugging on me and such. And I had this urge to kiss her neck all sassy like. And It freaked me out. I didnt do it, but I just feel sick about it. I would never hurt my kids. Why is this happening to me, I could handel anything else easier then this. It is like my mind was confusing my love for her with a bad feeling! Am I making any since, please someone tell me they can relate, I dont want to be a monster. I dont want these thoughts and urges anymore. God I hate this please take it away please take it away!!!!
A really upset momma