I hate myself

[Bellicus]

It didnt go through the first time, so now I have to type this a second time. I hate this, I can't cope anymore and I just want to die. I don't want to live like this anymore, I just want to be free and to be happy again. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed today to go to school, and I had a important lesson to attend today. So now I'm going to be really behind.

I know how it feels like to have it like you have it. But just be glad you are not me! At least you got something to do. Even if you feel you are not doing well in school. Then at least you are trying. I gave up long ago. I'm getting close to 30 and have no education at all. I used to have a talent for art, but I don't got that anymore. I don't feel like painting or drawing anymore. The spark is gone, and that spark was all that I had that gave me some hope for life. It was all I had that could bring me somewhere in the world.

I got a relationship that is falling apart. I drink to much. I feel chest pain because I smoke too much and do no exercise (I feel pretty sure I won't live to be old). The only friends I have is maniacs or drug-addicts. I need to use mood-stabilizers every day to not hurt or kill myself, or to not make a complete fool out of myself in some way. I need valium just to take a buss to the city to do some shopping or anything like that. I got a child that is 2 years old and got some kind of eating disorder that there seem to be no cure for, but I make all the food and got all the responsibility for it. All I do all day is just to sit inside and do nothing. I have nothing that really interest me. Basically I just hate life, because there is nothing good to get from it.

26 For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:
27 But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;

I am nothing, but God want me, and lives in me, and is going to make me live forever. And that is something. I don't know about you, but I kind of like the idea to live forever. Probably don't sound like much to you right now, but

It is something.

 

[Ariel]

Bellicus, I agree. It is something. It is more than something--it is awesome. Yes, you will live forever in all eternity, with a perfect body and a perfect mind!

In all you are going through right now, may I just encourage you? Keep going. You have a little one who is dependent on you, you have life. You also have the Lord Jesus Christ inside of you, and in Him is all the power of the universe.

You can get well, you will get well, just keep going. Part of that feeling of not being able to do art is the illness. Depression freezes a person, but you can get out of even this, if you can get yourself to move.

Since art was so important to you, why not start there? Start drawing at least, even if it is just scribbling at first. Remember that every little thing you do to get yourself out of that frozen state will help.

I am praying for you.