I hate myself

flying_kiwifruit · Sep 4, 2008

I hate myself so much right now. I dont even know why, but I just want to hurt and die, but I can't. I'm not allowed to because that would make me selfish, and that would mean I wasn't thinking about others, that would mean I would fail once again. I can't do anything right at the moment. I'm most likely going to fail school this year because I can't go to school much because of my stupid anxeity and depression. I'm trying to get help, but its taking a while to get organised. I just want to die, but I can't die.

Arrrrrrggggg I hate this life, I hate myself. I always screw everything up. If I fail my exams I may not get to do my degree next year, if I screw up my exams, it could screw up my whole life. Maybe I shouldn't even try and sit my exams, then at least I had some conrol in screwing up my stupid life.

I hate this, I hate this with ever inch of my body. Why would this so called loving God allow me and others to go through so much torment, and plus when we try and rely on this God, nothing happens, things get worse.

I want to die, but I'm not allowed to.

Nat

Ariel · Sep 4, 2008

Nat, I am so sorry you feel this way. I will PM you.

Cra1g · Sep 5, 2008

Dear Nat,
First up. I see your a fellow New Zealander! That's great

I know exactly what you are dealing with right now. My depression and anxiety has meant that I have had frequent absences from school and I am now falling very behind in my schoolwork.
I would encourage you to still sit your exams, even if you do not concentrate on passing all the standards or subjects in your courses. Just concentrate on the Top 3 subjects you enjoy/find not so difficult, so you can achieve your University Entrance.

Now. If you fail your exams. It's not going to mess up your life, it seems that some of this anxiety is unneccessary. If you really want to goto University, there will be an opportunity to go back as a mature student when your 20.

I would like to talk to you some more. Feel free to PM me please

EbonNelumbo · Sep 7, 2008

I don't have anything incredible or mind blowing to input, so I will just say this...my name is Hallee, I am 22, and I am more than willing to talk should you want to. I dropped out of college, so I know how it feels to fail exams, etc., but I am here, and please know you're not suffering alone, though it may seem that way.

(((nat)))

bubblefish · Sep 7, 2008

Sweetie, I don't know how much I have told you about my last high school year, but I was in a similar spot for most of it.. especially near the end. I didn't go to school and when I was there I couldn't cope or concentrate and just wanted to get as far away as possible. I was constantly suicidal and just wanting to give up. There was no way I could get anywhere, there was nothing left to continue on for.

But it is not the end Hun. I didn't concentrate or get the marks I needed to get into my degree, but there are generally other ways in as well Hun. I managed to get into the degree with extra bonus points, but even if I didn't, there were other ways of entry and I am sure it would be the same for the majority of degrees in NZ as well.

Sweetie, I know you. You are a very talented and smart girl. Exams don't show exactly who you are, only how much you can memorise and regurgitate from a book - they don't take into account anything else you are going through and therefore don't show everything you are capable of. There is more to life than what you see now.

I know it is the last thing you want to hear, and the hardest to accept (trust me, I was there ) but give it time sweetie. I know it is hard, but we are all here for you. Lean on your friends when you have to and try your best not to worry too much about the exams and everything else. I believe that you will be fine, but even if you don't get the results you need it is not the end Hun.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help ok?

Love ya!

Katie

flying_kiwifruit · Sep 7, 2008

Thankyou all for responding although things arent great, they are better.

bubblefish · Sep 7, 2008

hurtnlonely · Sep 7, 2008

Don't ever give up. "This too shall pass." When you are in it, it seems like nothing will ever change. But it does. And as long as there is life, there is hope!

God is close to the brokenhearted.

heidi140 · Sep 8, 2008

I'm really sorry that you're going through such a rough time. Is there anyone around, like a counselor, that you could talk with about these things?

I can relate to your feelings...there are many days, or at least portions of days where I feel like I hate myself and I screw everything up. Some of those days i just wish I could disappear and die. I've figured out over time how to get through those days for me, but I've also realized that it is not enough for me to just get through them. I've come to realize that I don't want to just survive through those miserable thoughts and feelings anymore. Fortunately I was able to find a wonderful counselor who is starting to help me with things. It seems like a very long road ahead, and some days I question whether I can really change at all.....but I know I can't live like this forever. Something has to change if I'm going to really live my life.

Is there any chance that if you're not already in counseling, that you might be able to begin sessions?

flying_kiwifruit · Sep 8, 2008

It didnt go through the first time, so now I have to type this a second time. I hate this, I can't cope anymore and I just want to die. I don't want to live like this anymore, I just want to be free and to be happy again. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed today to go to school, and I had a important lesson to attend today. So now I'm going to be really behind.

Ariel · Sep 8, 2008

Flying Kiwi, I am here. Would you like to talk?

Cra1g · Sep 8, 2008

I feel so sorry for what your going through at the moment. And I know sorry isn't going to change the world for you, but I hope you realise that I really would hate to see you make that decision.

But if a decision like this affects me as a stranger this deeply, imagine what your close friends would feel. If they even knew how you are feeling, I am sure they would do all they possibly could to show how much they cared.
I would encourage you to talk to your friends about this as soon as possible.

Where abouts in NZ do you live?

Again, Please feel free to PM me. I will PM you my cellphone number since your a Kiwi, please feel free if you wish to txt me and chat if you feel down like this.

*hug*

Craig

Criada · Sep 9, 2008

Nat, you are very much loved, sweetie.
You can get past this.. i know it seems impossible at the moment.. but, there is an 'afterwards', dear one... the despair doesn't last for ever.
Here if you ever need to chat, k?
(if ok)

EbonNelumbo · Sep 9, 2008

Echoing what Criada said, sweetie. You can and WILL get through this. ((((Nat))))

hurtnlonely · Sep 9, 2008

Are you able to pray and read your bible? If not, can you listen to the bible on audio? If you can get the Word of God into your eyes or ears, it can change your thoughts and focus, which in turn will change how you feel. It's not easy when you are depressed, because you just don't feel like it. But God's Word is POWERFUL and if you will get it inside of you, it will change you.

I've struggled with depression a lot in my life, so I understand. I've also experienced God's Word turning it around. But I had to literally soak myself in His Word day and night. At first, it doesn't seem to be doing anything. That's where you have to persevere and just keep on putting it in your heart.

If you can't read or listen to audio (you can go to biblegateway.com to listen to the bible on audio if you don't have it), find one scripture that ministers to your heart, and say it over and over to yourself. Meditate on it day and night. Everytime you catch yourself thinking depressing and negative thoughts, replace it with that Word from God. Don't look inward--at what you think, what you feel, what you want--but focus on Jesus.

These things are not easy. They are not natural. They go against our flesh. But they will lead to your deliverance. "It's through faith and patience that we inherit the promise." Don't give up. Let this pain and depression can be the very thing that pushes you to truly seek God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength.

Ariel · Sep 9, 2008

hurtnlonely, what a lovely answer. Yes, that is so true. You may need to soak in the Word of God, but is does bring healing. Like you I also experienced God's Word changing me.

I am so happy to have you here. Welcome!

bubblefish · Sep 9, 2008

Just dropping off some 's Nat. Hope you are doing ok Hun!

Bamboo_Chicken · Sep 9, 2008

Me too. I really need more hug smilies!

(((Nat)))

Soulwings · Sep 10, 2008

Nat

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a horrible time right now... please do soak yourself in God's Word, love, because He does care. He cares so, so much, and He is hurting right alongside you. You may not feel Him there - in fact, you probably don't - but if we always felt God there, then why would we ever need to have faith??

Life is worth living. It is. Messing up on exams is not going to ruin your life. You'll have a chance to redo them. There will be other things that come and that you will enjoy and at which you will excell... and when you are in a better place in your life mentally, you will be better prepared to sit your exams. But by all means, go for it this year. There is no harm in trying - and if you let yourself get away with not giving it a go, then you will feel even worse about yourself. This I can almost guarantee. At least by doing them you have a chance of getting into uni. Without sitting them you don't, right? (I don't know much about exams etc. "down under" so I apologize if I'm not making any sense.)

If you need me, I'm here, love. PM me anytime. I understand what you're going through and I remember you from quite a long time back, so... yeah.

Jo1 · Oct 23, 2008

Hi Nat im so sorry your feeling this way
Just dropping of some HUGS and love your way.
My Pm box is always open.
God bless you.

love Joxxx

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