I hate myself so much

[kurayami]

Tw for ED behaviors, suicidal ideation and, numbers related to medication




I have been so depressed and anxious in combination for months. My PTSD has been bad and I've not been coping well. I've had to withdraw from my Masters degree. Which makes me feel like I have no worth and, therefore no reason to live.

My psychiatrist has put me on a 150mg of seroquel xr at night, and 25mg of seroquel instant release on a PRN basis. On a good day, I might have 150mg of IR, on a bad day, it's more like.300mg on top of the 150mg at night. It's been three weeks on this current regime and I'm having more periods of feeling okay -- provided I don't do anything that makes me feel overwhelmed (which seems to be a lot of things that normally wouldn't if I were well).

Seroquel has some thing of a reputation for weight gain, and I've been anxious about it. And to be honest, my appetite and interest in food is a bit all over the place. Because my suicidal ideation has been bad, the desire to restrict and over exercise is really prominent because it's been a coping mechanism for me in the past. All the while, I'm spending about.$15 on junk food a week and eating (sometimes binging on) lots of junk food because eating is the only thing that stops me feeling.

I'm struggling with sleep (and feeding myself or showering) because I feel like I don't deserve to feel rested. Obviously not sleeping well, or eating well or taking enough of the seroquel IR during the day, makes me feel worse. And when I'm doing poorly, my pastor and his wife take care of me in terms of feeding me, medicating me and keeping an eye on me so that I can't kill myself. So then, I feel incredibly guilty for intruding on their family life, and making things hard. They don't feel that way, but I feel like I'm making myself worse just because I hate myself.

How can I take care of myself when I don't feel like I deserve it?

 

[Tigger45]

God bless you.

 

[Catherineanne]

Tw for ED behaviors, suicidal ideation and, numbers related to medication




I have been so depressed and anxious in combination for months. My PTSD has been bad and I've not been coping well. I've had to withdraw from my Masters degree. Which makes me feel like I have no worth and, therefore no reason to live.

My psychiatrist has put me on a 150mg of seroquel xr at night, and 25mg of seroquel instant release on a PRN basis. On a good day, I might have 150mg of IR, on a bad day, it's more like.300mg on top of the 150mg at night. It's been three weeks on this current regime and I'm having more periods of feeling okay -- provided I don't do anything that makes me feel overwhelmed (which seems to be a lot of things that normally wouldn't if I were well).

Seroquel has some thing of a reputation for weight gain, and I've been anxious about it. And to be honest, my appetite and interest in food is a bit all over the place. Because my suicidal ideation has been bad, the desire to restrict and over exercise is really prominent because it's been a coping mechanism for me in the past. All the while, I'm spending about.$15 on junk food a week and eating (sometimes binging on) lots of junk food because eating is the only thing that stops me feeling.

I'm struggling with sleep (and feeding myself or showering) because I feel like I don't deserve to feel rested. Obviously not sleeping well, or eating well or taking enough of the seroquel IR during the day, makes me feel worse. And when I'm doing poorly, my pastor and his wife take care of me in terms of feeding me, medicating me and keeping an eye on me so that I can't kill myself. So then, I feel incredibly guilty for intruding on their family life, and making things hard. They don't feel that way, but I feel like I'm making myself worse just because I hate myself.

How can I take care of myself when I don't feel like I deserve it?

I am glad you have people who love you, and who are helping to look after you.

Depression tells lies; it will make you feel as if you do not deserve to be helped. Please talk to your pastor about this, and trust what he says and what his wife says; they will tell you what your true value is.

In time you can return to your Masters degree; that can be done. Meanwhile none of us is valued for our academic achievements but simply for being who we are; with or without the Masters you are still priceless and irreplaceable; there will never be another you if the world continues for a billion years.

Talk to your pastor; listen to him. Value yourself for his sake, and for his wife's sake, for now, until you can do it for other reasons. There can be a happy future for you; trust that future and keep moving towards it.

God be with you.

 

[Jeshu]

Please understand that Jesus died to save you, so you are of great importance to God. Make sure you keep on reminding yourself of that as was said before depression lies to your heart and mind and a lot of what we feel when we are depressed cannot be trusted.

Let the love of God grow in your heart it is one of the only ways to escape our depression. God's love is stronger than depression.

To God's Depressed Child,

To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.

Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.

His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.

Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.

 

[Fortran]

Wow, I can sure relate. Whether it be denying myself food, warm clothing during the winter, enjoyment of the hobbies I once engaged in, a warm bath, or other longings or wants, I feel self-denial is the way to go. I am certainly not worthy of such pleasures when there so many suffering in this world - many for their faith.

I certainly have not overcome my personal struggles, but think of this way. Does your depression and related difficulties color the way you view yourself? Can you honestly say that this view caused by depression is sensible, reasonable and healthy? Probably not. Logically, it is the outsider who can provide a better value of your worth and happiness.You deserve happiness. I am sure your acquaintances and love ones would agree.

No, we should not live selfishly, but do you think you are serving God to your fullest by denying yourself? We are called to always act in love. I am sure it hurts others to see you this way. Hurting others, even if it is prompted by extreme personal pain, is not an act of love. Take care of yourself; not for love of self but others. It probably would make your loved ones so happy to see to you get well. Even though I obviously do not know your personally, it would make me happy to hear that you made a full recovery in the future. I also urge you to look at Colossians 2 and Romans 14.

Praying for you.

 

[Noxot]

1John 3:18-21 (ESV2011)
Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God;

I guess I have lots of peace because I know God desires and loves me more than I do him. when i don't feel those things I still end up being myself towards him in a different, darker way. I think that self-honesty is very important. everyone deserves so much more than they themselves can know. being truthful and doing introspection along with reasoning with God and contemplation in the Holy Spirit or praying to God have all built up my confidence in relation to who I am to God and who God is to me.

you do deserve it. why would you not? by what measurement shall we measure Gods love for us? by what measurement shall we measure ourselves if God loves us? we are Gods object of affection. take care of yourself for him.