I HATE Him! Encarouragement Please???

[FearNot7]

Well to start off, I'm posting this because I thought I was okay, but I realized I'm not, and would love your thoughts/advice.

I live with this person who I have "forgiven" for doing things to me. It was only last summer. I had a dream that I became pregnant from that person, and a couple days later... things were very awkward for me, if any of you get what I'm saying by AWKWARD.
I was really scared and 17.

I told my mom about it, and she told me that whatever I want to happen to him, she'll do it. If I wanted him to go to prison, she would call the cops. But because he was her family, I didn't want anything to happen to him. So I just "forgave" him.

The reason I put "forgave" is because I don't think I've forgiven him. He's the only person that I feel hate for. He's said things about my dad and my family that just make me want him to go away forever. There were times that I prayed for him.

When it all started, I had been praying that he would stop. After telling my younger sister who told my mom, he did stop.

Less than a month later, I felt trapped again. But I prayed again and it stopped in December. Since 2007 started, he hasn't touched me. But I've been hating coming to my mom's house because he's here. I think he still wants to keep doing it, and because I prayed, God has given me the courage to not let him do anymore. He's not the violent type, so I'm not in danger for saying no to him.

I restarted my relationship with God last March, and I felt really happy...... for a while. Now the thoughts still come to me, and I really do feel like a lot of it was my fault. Sometimes I cry the week I'm going to my mom's. Or even when I'm at my mom's at night. I love my mom, and I want to see her whatever chance I get, but I don't want her to know that I have a hate feeling for that person who trapped me a second time (my mom doesn't know about the second one). Tonight he wanted to talk to me, and I'm guessing it has something to do with my brother and sister and I making my mom upset. Or maybe it was telling me I need to get my GED and go on in life. It could've even been about him wanting to "play" as he calls it. Tonight I prayed that I would not have to stay in a room with him at the same time alone, even if it was to talk. God answered my prayer because after I prayed, my younger brother (who doesn't know) stayed with me the whole time.
Then I was in the room I stay in at her house (which is my mom's office) alone, and I heard him knock on my door. I prayed that I wouldn't have to talk to him... by the time I got up to open the door, he had already gone back to bed.

He doesn't do anything if I tell him not to. But my problem is that I don't have the courage to stand up for myself. But I really do hate him even though I don't want to. I try to look happy for my mom so that she doesn't know that I hate him, but it's really hard sometimes. I couldn't even type this without crying, because I don't want to hate him. I want to keep coming to my mom's house, but I can't stand his scent, name mentioned, or appearance. I need prayers that I'll be able to see my mom without him getting in the way of enjoying the time spent with my mom.

If anyone knew about this, my mom's life would be ruined, I'm pretty sure of it. What she doesn't know can't hurt her (I hope), so I'd rather deal with my pain with God, then to bring even MORE war into my family.

Please just trust me that he will not do it as long as I say no. Is there anything anyone can say to encourage me on my hate for him? Or anything??? I need it so bad. NO ONE fully knows the truth or detail in what's happened with him, and I'm praying to find the right person to tell, that I can trust. But it needs to be someone I know personally. Please, pray that I find the right person to open up to... this is putting me in pain keeping it all inside.



And I'm sorry this was so long. I keep so much in though.

 

[Surviving]

Firstly, don't worry about it being so long. We are all here to support each other and listen (or read) to each other...no matter how long it takes. Secondly, I think that you are doing really well.

It sounds like you're in a hard situation, and I really do hope that it improves for you. As for the hate thing, I think that is quite normal. When I first started dealing with my past about 6 months ago, I had a lot of hate and anger built up inside me towards alot of people - the church, God, my parents...and especially my abuser. I still have alot of this anger inside me, and I am no where near to forgiving people yet, but I am learning...slowly...to deal with things. I get hard days (who doesn't) but it is getting easier to handle.

Forgiving someone that has done something to hurt you is quite a hard thing to do. You can only do it in your own time, and God's time. God will let you know when He feels you are ready to forgive your abuser. I find it very encouraging that you are praying so much about this. that is one thing that I must admit that I am not doing...handing it over to God and letting Him control the situation. Well done for this.

Keep going...you will get there. It will take time, but it is God's time. I do pray that you will find someone that you can confide in. This is the hardest thing - to try and find someone who you can trust with your deepest thoughts and secrets. I pray that God will send you a guardian angel to look over you and keep you safe.

I hope that what I have said helps you. Take care of yourself.

 

[njcl]

cutey build up the courage and go to the police,THE CHRIST said forgive your enemies but never mentioned anything about allowing them to continually abuse you,in my experiences with this sort THEY NEVER EVER EVER CHANGE,you have a younger sister?then for her safety go to the police,this rapist needs jailing

*PRAYS THE CHRIST the HOLY SPIRIT of strength to fortify thois woman giving her the courage to do what is lawfully right,AMEN*

 

[aspirine]

Your post is very vague. Is this person an adult or another teenager? Is this person in a relationship with your mother.
Why is his sent at you mothers house?
And what exactly is going on?
How is he responsible for your dream?
Generally, i was raised to believe that family members do not call the police on other family members because the family - extended family- have ways of dealing with things internally that are more effective. But I had an extended family, not a nuclear family.

 

[BigToe]

forgiving someone does NOT mean you have to like them or ignore what was done to you.

 

[Bianca01]

Hi FearNot7,

I am trying to think of the right words to say. I really don't think it's a good idea for you or your siblings to stay over at your mom's anymore. She needs to plan get- togethers with you away from the house and this person. I'm not sure if it's a stepdad or uncle or whoever... what they did was so wrong.

I was molested by my older brother. I have forgiven him then taken it back so many times. Here are a few things that I think about forgiveness... God's forgiveness is complete. He puts our sin at the bottom of the ocean never to be seen again. We are not God. We are imperfect.

Not forgiving is like holding that person in prison with you in your mind. So it is good to forgive. Keep in mind though... we can forgive a murderer, but, would you hand them a loaded gun? We could forgive a child molester, but, would we intrust them to care for our children?

I try to forgive, but, I don't forget. Forgive your enemies, but, remember their faces.

Let's keep you and your siblings healthy. Counseling would be good. And not to put you on the spot, please intervene and keep your siblings away from this person. Mom should understand and be thankful that you are so responsible.

I know what it's like to give in and let others take advantage too. After all this happened with my brother, it's like I was a marked target for abuse. My Dad had friends over one New Year's when I was a teenager. One of his friends leaned over to hug me and french kissed me. I just let him. And at other family parties other guys would try to cop-a-feel. It was so inappropriate and I know now I should have said, "NO. Stop it." But, was it my fault? NO. And none of this is your fault either. No matter how you reacted, this man was WRONG. Not you.

Believe me, I know this is a tough situation for you.

I will be praying for you.

 

[BelindaP]

I think that one of the reasons you continue to feel hate for this person is that he has shown no remorse and gives no indication that he has changed or will change. For the sake of your younger sister and for any other girls that he's near, you need to do something. You cannot let this person keep on as if nothing happened.

I know it feels like it will destroy your mother. It won't. I promise. I have been in your position, and now that I'm older and wiser, I can tell you that it won't end anyone's life for you to get justice for yourself (and probably for dozens of other girls just like you).

The average child molester abuses 100 children before he/she is stopped. You aren't the only one at risk here, so it is up to you to do something.

Once his behavior has been stopped (either by incarceration or some kind of therapy), you will be free to work on true forgiveness. It's not possible for you to forgive when you are subjected to the same kind of atmosphere any time you are around your mother. Forgiveness happens once it is over.

 

[FearNot7]

Firstly, I'm sorry I'm responding to everything almost a couple weeks late, but I've been doing and experiencing some good and bad things within that time.

Well I want you all to know that I'm sure he won't touch my sister or anyone else. For one: he's scared of my sister because he knows she doesn't like him either, and since she really doesn't like him, she's not gonna let him touch her. He knows that even the smallest thing could send him to prison for life.

The reason I say that telling someone could end in someone (him) dying, is because he says if someone tried sending him back in prison, he'd kill himself. I believe him because I remember before and after all the stuff he did to me, he would always talk about how he hated prison.
Telling the police would make everything worse. My mom could go to jail for knowing about it but not doing anything about it. I'm not even sure where my step brother will end up, but he's lived with us since he was 3 or 4, he's 10 now. So he's basically family. Then my dad will try to take my brother from my mom, and her husband (yes I said it, it's her husband) will either go to prison the rest of his life, or kill himself, so then my step brother, only being 10, will lose his dad.

That's what everyone would go through... but even worse, if I told the police.

Everyone... I really appreciate your concern for anyone else going through what I went through by him, but I'm sure that he won't touch anyone else as I'm sure that I'm 18 years old. Please just trust me on that.
Things WILL get worse by going to the police. I'm way too sure of it. I know it just like I know that I'll never be a professional basketball player.

And I trust that nothing I say here will go to anyone else? But thank you for all your help everyone, it WAS a help, and I would love to see more replies.

 

[Bianca01]

FearNot7,

I am crying inside for you. What a horrible betrayal by your Mother. She has chosen a man over her own daughter. I would have kicked him to the curb. And just what was he in prison for before? I missed that entirely. Why is he afraid of prison - might someone touch him inappropriately? Just making a point here.

I think you are taking on a lot of "what ifs" and placing full responsibility on your shoulders for what this man has done to you. I want you and your mom to call the nearest sexual abuse center and talk with someone. She needs to step up to the plate, be a mom, and realize how damaging this is for the both of you. Perhaps they can open her eyes and show her a different life. She can't want to live with a man who would harm her own daughter unless she's so desperate she doesn't see any way out.

I don't mean to sound so harsh and I do hope you and your mom will seek help together. This isn't the person to be around for either of you. And his threats to kill himself are not your responsibility either. Tell him to call a crisis center or 911 because you don't want to hear about it.

I would invite your mom to read all of the good advice and posts that you have received in response to your initial post. Perhaps she will wake up to the whole situation.

for you!!

 

[Bianca01]

Hi FearNot7,

I hope this sets up as a link. It's for a national sexual assault organization called RAINN. They have certain hours when they offer on-line help. Share your situation with them. They may have some expert advice for you. Please don't numb yourself to the situation, get it out now.

http://www.rainn.org/

Hope this helps. Please take care of you!!

 

[aspirine]

He is typical manipulative liar.

He knows that even the smallest thing could send him to prison for life.

Why, is he a Three strikes felon?

he says if someone tried sending him back in prison, he'd kill himself.

A typical form of manipulation by these types. I can almost gaurantee you he would not kill himself if charged. If convicted maybe, but by then he would already be in police custody, under suicide watch, and wearing a Ferguson Safety Smock.

he would always talk about how he hated prison.

Typical Manipulation

My mom could go to jail for knowing about it but not doing anything about it.

Not even close to true.

so then my step brother, only being 10, will lose his dad.

If that happened, your step brother would be losing a monster. Consider this: He may molest him too.

That's what everyone would go through... but even worse, if I told the police.

You do not KNOW that at all.
You probably would get needed counciling and other help. Living with a monster is an immediate and constant problem for you and your family. It will have an effect on all of you for the rest of your lives. The longer it goes the greater the effect will be. In this case there is not enough of a family support system for you to handle it in family.

I would call an agency in your state that deals with this sort of problem and get help. He has you completey bamboozeled the typical way these types of manipulative monsters do it.

Please put him away before he hurts anyone else.

 

[inmercysgrasp]

I can understand your emotions, as well as your desire to not have that hatred in your heart.
The only one that can remove that hatred is the love of Jesus. I think you're doing the right thing in trying to keep proper distance, and in trying to forgive, yet that "root of bitterness" is hard to squelch.
You have been hurt and abused in a very bad and threatening way, and your feeling of lack of safety when around him is understandable.
I think,again,dear one, that the thing to do is to go on your knees before Jesus. He loves you so much, and if you ask Him to, He can help heal this hurt that is so in your heart and mind.

 

[cookiebaker]

hello dear one..

I have a daughter not alot younger than you...my heart goes out to you.

I think theres 2 seperate issues...

the issue of getting healed more of the abuse he did to you, and forgiving him


and the other issue is justice and others safety.

You are so young to ahve this all on your shoulders. I am sorry that your mom has not acted more like an adult and put the burden on you, by asking what YOU want to happen. She should have immediately called the police or at the very least taken you to a counselor and reported it and got her advice. There is no way she should be asking you, what you think should happen.

I can totally understand your fear about the fallout of what could happen if you dont report it. For what it's worth I dont think he would kill himself, and I dont think your mom would go to jail. BUT I totally understand that, and suppose it's a possibility. May God bless you sweetie.....

is there a trustworthy adult you can talk to bout this?

I am sending you cookies and hugs, please take care

 

[FearNot7]

Well to answer some questions... he has been in and out of jail/prison since he was young... I think a teen. The last time he went, he was in there for possession of drugs, he got a long time too. One time my 12 year old brother threatened to call the cops on him, but it was because my brother was out of control and my mom asked him to help hold my brother down. So my brother got mad and threatened to call the cops on him. My brother, sister and I haven't liked this guy before we even knew him, so my brother and sister would love to see him go back to prison one day, my "step-dad" knows this too, that's why he's so scared of my brother and sister.

I'm 100% sure he would never touch them though. I'm different from them though, I can't stand up for myself, but they can. And when they don't like someone, they're not really afraid to show it. Me, on the other hand though, try to do the best I can to not give them a hint that I don't like them.

I agree though, my mom made a big mistake giving me the choice of what happens to him. She shouldn't have let anything stop her from putting him in prison, but I've noticed that she wishes she did.


Another thing. There is someone I know, he's only 20 though, and I feel like God is telling me to go talk to him about it. But would that be too much for someone who is only 20?
Before I even talked to him or really noticed him, I had a dream about him that he saved my life. It's more than that though, I just feel like telling him (he's the worship leader at my youth group) but I don't know if it's too much to tell someone that I barely know, that's a guy, and is only 20 years old.

I don't want to talk to my mom about it though, she would get mad if I tell her now. She got mad because I didn't say anything about any of the stuff that's happened after the first night. And I won't even say what she told him. I was so shocked that my mom could act like that and think some of it was my fault... which maybe some is, but I don't need to her anger, I need her to see my point of view, but I don't want to talk to her about it.

And I thought she would get the hint when I told her I hate going to her house, or that whenever we have dinner, I don't sit at the table and eat at the same time he's in the room.

Well, I gotta go because my dad's home.

 

[Bianca01]

Another thing. There is someone I know, he's only 20 though, and I feel like God is telling me to go talk to him about it. But would that be too much for someone who is only 20?
Before I even talked to him or really noticed him, I had a dream about him that he saved my life. It's more than that though, I just feel like telling him (he's the worship leader at my youth group) but I don't know if it's too much to tell someone that I barely know, that's a guy, and is only 20 years old.

Hmmm... that's a hard question. If you feel comfortable talking to him it would be okay. I really think talking with a trusted female in the church would be better. That's just a feeling. It may help to ask this guy and a trusted older female to sit with you and talk. That way 2 people will hear you and they could pray with you and help prepare a plan. You said this is your step-dad that is molesting you... have you told your real dad?

 

[GodsoldierClintus]

Your not in a comfortable position there...but you must stand up for yourself. He is obviously violating your rights. God calls us to forgive, and to turn the other cheek, but you must understand that he never told us we had to be doormats to be walked over. In my opinion you should go to the police about it. Yes the consequences for your family are not good, but just trust that God has a plan for all things.

I think whilst sharing the gospel with him would be great, now is not the time nor the place. You must take a stand, and you must stand for yourself.

If you are uncomfortable with doing that then you should tell someone - you cannot deal with this on your own

My prayers are with you.

God Bless

 

[FearNot7]

The hard thing about telling someone is that I only know one girl at the church. Everyone else... they're guys or people I never talk to. But that one girl I know was dating the guy I want to tell, but they broke up, so I don't want them to feel uncomfortable with anything.

My step-dad stopped in December. I've managed to avoid him ever since 2007 started. But I don't think I would ever tell my real dad. He already hates him, I'm afraid of what he'll do if he finds out about this. He hates my mom too, so I'm afraid of what damage he could do to her for letting this happen... or especially not doing anything about it.

 

[GodsoldierClintus]

I think you should pray for God's advice. Maybe seek an older member of the church to talk to? Surely there's someone there (maybe even the pastor) that will deal with something like this. I don't think you should be dealing with this alone. Maybe there are anonymous hot lines you could ring up, or even the Salvos might be able to help? I just stress that you are seeing things from your angle, but someone else on the outside will be able to share with you their angle on the whole thing and help you out.

Prayers are with you and God Bless,

Clint

 

[Bianca01]

Hi FearNot7,

It's just a feeling... but, what I think is that you are really scared. I think you are running on fear. You know deep in your heart what your step dad did was wrong. You know you need to tell someone who will make a difference.

Here are a couple of resource numbers. Give it a try:

1-800-656-HOPE
1-866-FOR-LIGHT

They will listen to you and help set you up with someone in your location who can help.

I know you're confused... it would be better to get this all out now then to wait a decade or two. Believe me, I know this. It is better to deal with it now.

Write back and let us all know what happened. We are here for you.

Take care.

 

[Bianca01]

Just wanted to add... I think you are VERY BRAVE for opening up to us on this forum. I know it hurts very badly what happened to you. Please call those toll-free hotlines. They will hook you up with the right people. You won't be left alone. Let us know what happens.