I guess I'll ask here...

[seige]

My wife and I have been trying TTC for the last 7 months. We know all the "rules" about waiting a year and "most couples are pregnant within that year" stuff. My wife wasn't on BC before we started trying and we're both healthy people. My question isn't "why aren't we pregnant yet" but "how to I heal my wife's heart every month when she finds out she isn't pregnant... again."

I love this woman with all my heart and it breaks me every month when she feels like a failure, she feels depressed. She cries herself to sleep for nights on end. I try to just be there and hold her and tell her that it's "all in God's time" but it doesn't seem to help. The joy and excitement we once had with trying to conceive is now replace by fear of not being pregnant... again.

I guess what I'm asking is, ladies, what does your husband do that makes you feel better when you find out you're not pregnant again after months of trying?

 

[jessesgirl]

Ugh. I know that is the worst feeling in the world. Hugs for you and your wife. Praying for y'all, too.

I don't really have any advice...but like I said, I'm praying for y'all. Hubby doesn't know that I take my tests every month and that I am disappointed every month...sooooo that presents a completely different set of problems!

Just love your wife. Maybe be there with her when she takes her test and offer to do whatever she'd like to do after she takes it. Stress plays a big, huge factor though. Have y'all gone to see a dr. to be sure you are both "able" to have children?

 

[seige]

no, we've heard that you havta wait for a year first...

 

[jessesgirl]

Ok. Praying for y'all...I know it is a struggle.

 

[felinity]

no, we've heard that you havta wait for a year first...

I haven't found this to be true so far. Your wife should talk to her ob/gyn if she hasn't already. The doctor will often be willing to run some blood tests, to see if your wife's hormones look fairly normal.

 

[SarahJD3584]

^what she said. *nods*
Ofcourse, it really depends on your insurance, your choice of doctor, and what issues might come up.
I agree though, that being with her when she tests and offering to do whatever she might want to do afterwards is great. My husband does that and it helps.
It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job by being proactive and wanting to be fully involved and there for her. Two enthusiastic thumbs up for that!
My best advice is to just keep being you, and keep being there. Make sure she knows she can tell you anything and openly discuss it. You are in my prayers!

 

[Leanna]

what a nice husband you sound like!

You guys could first buy a copy of the book Taking Charge Of Your Fertility (well not yours.... hers.... but anyway) because then you should be able to determine some basic things about fertility and your chances which will vastly improve the chances of you getting pregnant and if not then it will speed up the getting help process because you'll have something (charts) to show the doctors...

 

[seige]

Thanks for all the responses. We do chart and have been following the NFP book. What's really wierd is that her cycle seems to get a week later and later each month... what's up with that? She's over a week late already and she tested negative...

 

[fuzzymel]

Thanks for all the responses. We do chart and have been following the NFP book. What's really wierd is that her cycle seems to get a week later and later each month... what's up with that? She's over a week late already and she tested negative...

Maybe test for PCOS. That can cause irregular periods.

I have it and my periods are very strange. Nowdays they do seem to keep skip a week then on time then early then late again. I never know whats going on.

If she does have PCOS then there is plenty available to help. It takes a little longer but plenty of the women on the PCOS boards have got pregnant they just needed a little help.

Good luck!

 

[Leanna]

When you say later, is the time period between ovulation and period getting longer, or is it the time period between period and ovulation? do you know what I mean?

period - - - - ovulation - - - - period

which - - - spot changes?

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

I know you're waiting for 1 year, but 7 months isn't that far off, and once you get the ball rolling seeing the doctor it may be closer to a year. *IF* there is a problem, it would be better to know about it sooner, as fuzzymel suggested PCOS could be possible, I have it too and needed fertility help to conceive after trying naturally for 11 months.

But for your original question, how to help her...
Reassure her. Not falling pregnant is so demoralizing, you feel like a failure as a woman and as a wife. You feel broken and useless. Sorry, I remember those feelings very well, it is really painful and I feel for your wife. Reassure her that she is perfect the way she is and no matter what happens you will be so proud to be her husband. She may feel like her failure is impacting your future and happiness, reassure her that you'd rather have her and whatever life together God gives you. Try to take her mind off it, do things together that you won't be able to do when you have a baby. Obsessing about it can make it worse. Reassure her that God loves her and has a perfect plan for her.

 

[seige]

Her period----period time is getting longer- from 30 days to 33 days to 36 days. The fertle time is at the same time relative to the period starting... does that make sense?

What the heck is PCOS?

 

[Leanna]

A little stress can delay ovulation, which makes your overall cycle longer, so its probably just that...

 

[Assisi]

You sound like you're a great husband!

In answer to your OP. The thing I have found in life is that men want to fix the emotional problem, whereas women want to be comforted where they are emotionally. Personally, I didn't want my husband to offer explanations or to help me feel better, I wanted to know that my husband understood my feelings and that our struggles were something we were experiencing together. So I if I were you I would reflect back to your wife the things she is saying to you, and I would ask her to talk to me about it. I would say things like 'this is really hard isn't it?' 'I hope God gives us a baby soon.' 'I trust that God will give us children, and when he does you'll make a great mum.' Basically, express back to her what you are both feeling, so she feels connected to you in her pain.
Demonstrate that you are joining with her in her sorrows. And ask her what she needs from you.

About your wife's cycles. PCOS is a condition where there are several cysts on a woman's ovaries with ovulation every month. It basically means that the body prepares several eggs, but releases none. Usually it is associated with periods which are much longer than your wife's and much more irregluar. If you go in to get tested the doctor can test for this condition and it is usually treatable.

I wouldn't be suspecting PCOS in the length and irrgularity of cycles you say your wife has. Like Leanna I would blame stress. Stressing about whether or not she's pregnant (and all the emotions which come with that) is enough to delay a period by a week. Stress is something she might want to look at in order to conceive as well. If I were your wife I'd want to talk it all out and come up with a destress plan - lessening stress will help your chances of conception.

 

[seige]

She was over a week late... took a test this morning and still no baby....

 

[tigercub]

She was over a week late... took a test this morning and still no baby....

So very sorry to hear that

Make sure you give your wife lots of cuddles and kisses (and maybe some chocolate )

 

[Catholic Wife]

I guess what I'm asking is, ladies, what does your husband do that makes you feel better when you find out you're not pregnant again after months of trying?

He would give me the "in God's time" speech, which never helped me. All I wanted was to be held and to hear that he was as disappointed as I was to not be pregnant.

 

[jessesgirl]

He would give me the "in God's time" speech, which never helped me. All I wanted was to be held and to hear that he was as disappointed as I was to not be pregnant.

 

[felinity]

Wow, such truth in this post. Read it three times.

Seriously.

 

[tigercub]

Wow, such truth in this post. Read it three times.

Seriously.