I give up

[jream]

I'm just going to not even talk to the doctor and pretend I never have a problem and see where it leads me. I can't set up a day and not go and that just ruins my entire plans.

I hate when things change, you know how much that bugs me.

Well since I'm not going to the doctor today I decided I won't go ever, when I'm typing this and realizing it - it sounds completely ridiculous. I'm kind of glad I'm saying this to realize how unreasonable I sound.

You ever feel like you are just a PIECE OF WORK? Man oh man, I can't even enjoy myself. Sometimes I think about some really weird stuff, but I don't understand why I am this way.

I'm also mad because my No-Xplode didn't come in the mail today. It's a good stimulant to give me motivation and make me feel like I can do something, it's a health supplement for lifting weights what I use it for, but I have no gym in this new area.

I'm ready to go put my face in the lake and never wake up, but that would be stupid. I have to have something to offer, I don't think I can do any good for people though, I sometimes wonder why I'm even here. What I am doing it nothing important besides complaining to God all the time and trying to understand what He says but the only thing I thought of anything bi-polar in the Bible was where this little leaf went over a guy and gave him shade, but when it died down he wanted to die. I don't know, the Word does not tell me about mood swings, and psalms is nice you would think David was bipolar but his situations were circumstantial.

 

[Alaskamomma]

I dunno, Jreams, I do think David was bipolar or atleast it reads that way to me. And there was Jeremiah who also dealt with mood swings too.

I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom for you, but will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Alive again]

adding my prayers for wisdom and safety for you! Please call for help, it truly sounds like your mood is crashing!

 

[Auston]

You ever feel like you are just a PIECE OF WORK? Man oh man, I can't even enjoy myself. Sometimes I think about some really weird stuff, but I don't understand why I am this way.

I'm also mad because my No-Xplode didn't come in the mail today. It's a good stimulant to give me motivation and make me feel like I can do something, it's a health supplement for lifting weights what I use it for, but I have no gym in this new area.

I'm ready to go put my face in the lake and never wake up, but that would be stupid. I have to have something to offer, I don't think I can do any good for people though, I sometimes wonder why I'm even here. What I am doing it nothing important besides complaining to God all the time and trying to understand what He says but the only thing I thought of anything bi-polar in the Bible was where this little leaf went over a guy and gave him shade, but when it died down he wanted to die. I don't know, the Word does not tell me about mood swings, and psalms is nice you would think David was bipolar but his situations were circumstantial.

Jreams, I have said many times to myself that when I went to sleep I just wanted to never wake up. Sorta like the face in the lake. Often it has been when I felt nobody accepted me. I would just almost give in and say 'ok, I'll get out of your way, I get it, I am not worthy of your time.' Then feeling totally rejected I just wanted to disappear.

The most difficult time in my life was when I came to a point where I felt God also had cast me off, and even mocked me. It felt like I was not worthy to live, that he would never bless me like he had blessed others.

I do not know if all of David's situations were circumstantial. As I read the Psalms I see a lot of inward struggle in him. I see him calling out for peace in his life. Yes, he had times where his faith seemed unshakable and lofty, yet other times he was so far down in the dumps he could hardly breathe. Remember the very last one where he says, 'Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.'

You mentioned Jonah; and so did Jesus. In fact he talked about the sign of Jonah (Luke 11v 29) Although Jonah ran from the Lord and had his own problems the people of Neniveh repented at his word. And now the Nenevites will stand up at the judgement with this generation and condemn it; for they repented at the preaching of Jonah, and now one greater than Jonah is here. The point is that we never know how God will use us, and what the fruit of our actions will be.

Hang in there! God has a plan for your life, and it is a plan that is uniquely fitted to you. You were made in the image of God and he wants to pour his Holy Spirit into your life. As with all things it sometimes takes time to build. No house has ever kept a person dry that didn't first get built from the ground up. Rejoice in the construction of your life.

All that said....I know it is not easy.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

I think it is good to admit defeat and to give up, it is the first step to recovery and learning to adjust to your life.

Admit you are not perfect you can't fix everything and there are things you can't do, as well as other people. So give up trying to be like everybody else and learn to discover who you are and what you are good at.

Don't hide anything from the doctor that will lead to a miss diagnoises in your case and your health problems might repeat unnecessairly. Seriously mental illness can make it hard to understand conversation, and you don't want that. It can make you feel worthless, when you need to feel a sense of worth and keep a sense of worth in yourself.

That is my advice if you want to talk more please send me a personal message.

 

[bipolarbear]

If when you are typing this thread & you know it sounds like not the best thing to do by stopping seeing your docs, then you already know you shouldn't stop... We ALL have days where we just flat out don't feel like putting in the massive ammount of effort this illness takes to manage daily, hourly, minute by minute! I was there myself this week. Know That God mady you, and you are precious to Him, He dosen't make mistakes! Even though right now things look hopeless, we are all here hoping and praying on your behalf. God only gives what we can handle, so I think it a very high complement that He thinks so much of me... You might want to think on that about yourself too... God Bless!

 

[AWorkInProgress]

I'm just going to not even talk to the doctor and pretend I never have a problem and see where it leads me. I can't set up a day and not go and that just ruins my entire plans.

I hate when things change, you know how much that bugs me.

Well since I'm not going to the doctor today I decided I won't go ever, when I'm typing this and realizing it - it sounds completely ridiculous. I'm kind of glad I'm saying this to realize how unreasonable I sound.

You ever feel like you are just a PIECE OF WORK? Man oh man, I can't even enjoy myself. Sometimes I think about some really weird stuff, but I don't understand why I am this way.

I'm also mad because my No-Xplode didn't come in the mail today. It's a good stimulant to give me motivation and make me feel like I can do something, it's a health supplement for lifting weights what I use it for, but I have no gym in this new area.

I'm ready to go put my face in the lake and never wake up, but that would be stupid. I have to have something to offer, I don't think I can do any good for people though, I sometimes wonder why I'm even here. What I am doing it nothing important besides complaining to God all the time and trying to understand what He says but the only thing I thought of anything bi-polar in the Bible was where this little leaf went over a guy and gave him shade, but when it died down he wanted to die. I don't know, the Word does not tell me about mood swings, and psalms is nice you would think David was bipolar but his situations were circumstantial.

So easy to throw hands in the air and say I give up. You are scared bro.

You said it yourself that it is driving you nuts. You will never get closer to getting this undercontrol if you run away from people who can help you. If you removed the fear, what would your rational mind tell you bro?

Pray for the strength and courage. As Peter and James infront of the jewish leaders, they prayed for boldness which could have cost them their lives.

 

[angelkiss]

jream, I know it's easier to give in than to keep pushing, but in the long run, things are liable to only get worse. It worries me when I hear that someone is stopping treatment, for I know what it's done to me so many times afore.
And, not to scare anyone, but my cousin is bipolar and wouldn't go through with treatment, played with meds, etc.......Now she's in a mini home with 24 hour care. She is another reason I keep on pushing. When she gets a leave to visit her family, and I see her from time to time, it makes me want to push that much harder. It has humbled me to see that it can get worse.
Many prayers going up for you,
s and es!!

 

[FragileWinter]

So easy to throw hands in the air and say I give up. You are scared bro.

You said it yourself that it is driving you nuts. You will never get closer to getting this undercontrol if you run away from people who can help you. If you removed the fear, what would your rational mind tell you bro?

Pray for the strength and courage. As Peter and James infront of the jewish leaders, they prayed for boldness which could have cost them their lives.

I agree with you. Jream, keep holding on. Although fear seems like it's taking over, remember it's only in your mind. I'm praying and I really hope you're gonna be ok. Don't be afraid of help, a new day will break through the darkness. Keep holding on,
Aya

 

[berry2000]

Jream,

First I truly think David was bipolar. And it gives me hope look what God said of him...he is a man after God's own heart. He surely had something to offer and is an inspiration to all who read what he left those with mental health issues and those without.

Secondly, please reconsider and go to the doctor. It seems you are scared and you are letting fear stop you from doing what you know is right. But from experience go wihtout expectations. The first person you open up to may not be the one who will partner with you to get this sorted out. Remember you do have a choice whom you see.

You cannot run from this illness. It will find you no matter where you go. It's best to be truthful and honest and deal with it. That's the only thing i know that makes it atleast somewhat better.

Praying for you friend.

 

[jream]

you guys are nice!!!!!!

 

[jream]

That is very interesting about David too with how you guys see it.

I have been keeping a journal, I actually did this 3 months ago and have been somewhat committed and looking at my moods, and my goodness, I am suprised! Everytime I am starting to feel good for a few days, someone, or some comment shoots me down and ruins everything, then its a spiral back down. It's weird reading your own journal I tell you what, I have never done that and It's weird on the outside (somewhat lol) looking in over time. That journaling could be a lot of help.

I wasn't gonig to start a journal, but I like programming and messing with PHP Applications - I was testing out blog software for fun and ran up with WordPress (which is really nice) and made a private journal since I never did that I thought why not. I actually love Wordpress (on self domain) haha, its awesome

 

[AWorkInProgress]

That is very interesting about David too with how you guys see it.

I have been keeping a journal, I actually did this 3 months ago and have been somewhat committed and looking at my moods, and my goodness, I am suprised! Everytime I am starting to feel good for a few days, someone, or some comment shoots me down and ruins everything, then its a spiral back down. It's weird reading your own journal I tell you what, I have never done that and It's weird on the outside (somewhat lol) looking in over time. That journaling could be a lot of help.

I wasn't gonig to start a journal, but I like programming and messing with PHP Applications - I was testing out blog software for fun and ran up with WordPress (which is really nice) and made a private journal since I never did that I thought why not. I actually love Wordpress (on self domain) haha, its awesome

*pulls out the cattle prod* Glad to hear your starting a journal. Now about going to the doctor's appointment... >= )

Journal or blog is great, allows you to reflect on your own thought processes and events. I reread my blog sometimes and helps me understand I view things. As well allow me to organize thoughts in my head.

Back on topic;

Matthew 7:7
7 “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

 

[lemonflavor]

I think David's and Jeremiah's depression was situational. They didn't get low for no reason. And David's extreme praise and worship for God was because he was so zealous, not out of mania. Although when he was running around half naked in celebration it does make you wonder just a little.

I like to mess with PHP too and have used some little things for Scripture memory.

I often feel like I want to be dead and pray that I would accept and do God's will and that He will give me the strength to keep going.

I like this:
Psalms
62:5
For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him.

62:6
He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

62:7
On God rests my deliverance and my honor; my mighty rock, my refuge is in God.

62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Dear Jream,

I know for myself I can't fight my mental illness without the help of my doctor and medication. That psychiatric care that I recieve keeps me under control and allows me to enjoy life.

Sincerely,

Thomas

 

[angelkiss]

Journaling: One of the best things since sliced bread! (for me)

That's a good skill ya got there. Writing is a big part of my life. Journaling and poetry tell a lot about me. Things that even I myself may not understand.

*Stands aside AWorkInProgress* Now, the appointment...... LOL

 

[Laridy]

Jream,
I can tell you're in a real struggle here. I'm sorry you're having to battle so hard right now. You've gotten a lot of good advice. I'm just going to add my concern and prayers for you. You are a special, unique child of God and your life is important. Please call if you need help.

Laridy

 

[bipolarbear]

Jeram,

Journaling was perscribed by of all docs, my pdoc. Last year I mannaged to journal most of the 6 months I was not in a depression. I journaled about the journay of starting meds, and finding the right ones. This year up until mid June, I had only missed two days. Now I struggle with Journaling. I totally understand the having a good day, things are going along, and then that one little thing tanks your day, and sometimes affects many of them. You are not alone! Let me say it again, you are not alone! your in the right place, and we are all here for you! I know this is easier said than done, but you can only be hurt by another if you allow them to hurt you, We need to go by Alive again's example, and pray for those who make our days difficult! May the Lord Be with you, and may you find your comfort in Him!

 

[Alaskamomma]

I journal as well. I don't do it very often, but have found it to be very helpful. Recently, I went back over my journal that I started in Aughust '06 and it was the amazing the healing in my life that has taken place. Made me feel good that I had come so far.

So journal away!

 

[Auston]

My journaling is very spotty also, but the times I have journaled for several days in a row have proven to be quite beneficial. It helped me, and my pdoc, to see certain patterns that existed. Plus it also helps me to see how far I have come. It has been a long hard trip and I do not want to go back.

(Must be one of those days, every post I end up crying) **yes, I confess--ManTears!**