- Sep 3, 2008
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warning: serious content.
posted from my livejournal, i have an urge to talk about the old me. i've changed a LOT thanks to God. this is so awkward, you have to understand my entire life i've felt judged by everyone i've ever met, online or in person. ugh.
i blasted God a lot in the past. i was KINDA raised christian, although i didn't equate CHRISTmas with Christ and i didn't pray and i certainly did not love God. i went to church for a while when i was in the 6th grade and actually liked it a lot, i liked the people (although, as is a common theme in my life, i thought they were better than me and judged me) and the events and the music and even the sermons. but i never really got baptized. at 11 i think i knew you had to come to religion, not expect it to come to you. so i ended up stopping going and really, my life went downhill for years and years and years.
in high school, the only times i prayed were when i demanded something of God. literally "why are you doing this to me?!" or "please make this happen!" but nothing in return really. i still acted like a brat, ate a lot, didnt exercise, was very obese (260 pounds), had only a few friends, and refued to address my own feelings of inadiquacy. i made fun of christians, jesus, god, church, and anything related. i went as far as to dislike some christians because of how nice they were. i thought it was annoying and they were fake. it was really kind of sad.
that's why i started getting into drugs. it was the only way i knew how to fit in and find a place in the world. i always felt depressed and ugly and hated myself, but i didn't have the motivation to lsoe weight and do the right thing and be a good person, so i picked drugs and alcohol.
well, 8 months ago i was pretty screwed up. i smoked weed multiple times a day, stole money from my parents,i'd sold stuff i owned to buy weed, i drank like a fish and had done a TON of other drugs (more than any 17 year old should even know about to be honest..) and had no intention of stopping. i had a list of drugs i wanted to try, and meth started seeming less and less "bad" to me. no joke. i was screwed up.
at first, i was really good about my illegal behavior. i never drank and drive, never lent my car out, never stole money from the rents to buy stuff, nothing. slowly i didnt care. well, one day in late may when i was talking to this guy and FIRST started becoming religious, i decided to turn my back on God.
see, i'd started having REALLY freaking weird things happen to me. i'm not joking. sometimes on a whim i'd think about religion and go "look God, if you want me on your side you HAVE TO GET ME. anything that wins over my skeptical nature will do. you know me well enough, figure it out." pretty rude, to the creator of the universe and all.
well finally, this stuff started happening. its nothing anyone else in the world would find significant, but i noticed. i would laugh in a room full of people, still being a hardcore agnostic, and say out loud "nice one man!" it was stuff that really just... wowed me. so anyway, i was starting to know there was a God. and things started getting better. a lot better, and a lot different. well, this guy was an atheist. i decided that exploring my potential beliefs was too much work, and scott wouldnt like me if i turned at christian on his butt, so i was like "LOL WHATEVS."
bad idea.
that night, i drove home totally drunk. 3 days later, i literally had double vision and drove back to my house to PICK UP MY LAPTOP CHARGER. it was ugly.
and it just got worse. i stopped caring. like i said before, my life was garbage. bad things started happening to me, and my self worth mananged to drop to zero. this guy messed with my emotions (not intentionally of course) and well, i dont know. it just got bad. really bad. i had a few close calls with parents, car accidents, and police. and i don't know.
well, come mid july, i knew there was something horribly wrong with me. i'd always felt "depressed" but it was really more like self pity before then, i really think. this time, i was truly depressed. i didn't believe in myself, i was drinking at 11 am and really spending my whole summer doing NOTHING. i didnt see anyone but my mom for a month. literally, a month. i didn't know what was wrong with me or why i was getting so bad. well one day, i went to dad's. pounded 6 beers. called my weed dealer, and smoked with him (i remember him being like "what the heck.." because i NEVER called him and went over there alone), by then i was crossfaded as ever. i wasnt sure how i was gonna drive home, because the world was shaking and spinning.. it was only 11:30. somehow i got back to my dads, and i sat on the couch to sober up. and i was like... "this is what my life is gonna be? how can anyone be happy like this?" and just thinking, long and hard about everything. and i knew if i kept this up, my life was coming to a quick end. i honestly wonder if i didnt start praying right then, if i'd be dead right now. i don't doubt it.
well i prayed. i didn't know how. it was awkward. i thought of how to write a letter to a soldier you dont know. that was my format in my head. i prayed for a long time basically begging to get out of this. i knew it was just... rock bottom. i needed a change. and well, the sun started moving to the west (which my dads room faced) and lit up his entire room. his room is at the end of the hall. it was like a light at the end of the tunnel. it was really weird. i sat there on the couch not watching tv or doing anything, just sitting there for about 3-4 hours. everytime i got scared or lonely i'd look down the hall at the light and feel better.
things really havent been "easy" since then. i still smoke pot now and then (i've quit 4 times and give in each time, although the times i smoke are getting farther and farther between), i still struggle with gossiping, i still judge people, i still eat too much at times and backtalk my rents. but really, i'm trying. so hard. i try every day. i thank God every day for being alive, for being off of anti-depressants, for my family, for feeling content with who i am and no longer wanting to be in the party scene, for saving me from that life, for having so many friends and feeling so well liked for once, for having a purpose in life and being so motivated to do something (as weird as it is, my calling is to join the US army... i want to be a soldier more than anything). i've lost so much weight and gotten so strong and fit and nice and driven in everything i do. things are great. 2 months ago i was the nastiest slob you would have ever met, and im not joking. when i was 16 i had a moldly potato in my room that i named justin. yes, that gross, heroine addict gross. i'm like, extremely clean now. i've never been clean in my 18 years of life. i'm actually a tidy person now. really tidy, to the point where i clean other people's messes because it annoys me to have it in my space.
i'm nice to jehova's witnesses and homeless people. i smile too much. i dont accept money from my parents really ever anymore, i actually work out willingly and for longer than i have to, and i talk to people i used to look up to like they were paris hilton with ease. and i have this insane patience with kids now, like i used to want to beat kids on the head with a crowbar but now they make me laugh os much and i love talking to them for hours. its weird. it's too weird. i'm not even the same person. all my old friends know... and sort of either stopped hanging with me, or stopped talking to me as much. doesn't bother me though. (the way i used to put it, cos it felt awkward to say "i'm a christian", is i'd tell them "i got Jesus in my life" and a lot of them tell me they know that i'm a happier person and they cant wait to have Jesus in their lives too. it's sweet haha.)
i see the entire world differently. it's like i took a step back, and everything here on earth is sort of... a preamble to the rest of it. if that makes any sense. it makes life easier to live, because everything isn't such a big freaking deal. i don't understand, and im completely honest, how people can live their whole lives without God and really be happy. i don't see how it's possible, to tell you the truth. maybe that's just me, but i feel like a hole in me that's been there since i was a kid is filled. and i'm not perfect, at all. but i try. really freaking hard. i still mess up, but it doesn't get me down. i'm not scared of the dark anymore, or of disease or dying or war or famine or infertility or annoying my dad or failing at life. i dunno.
religion actually is cool. and this is coming from one of the anti's. things won't always be this great, i'm sure. i'm sure i'll get somewhat upset with life many times in my future, but i'm not worried at all. i really feel like i have the best crutch ever to deal with it all.
so, moral of the story: go to church. it is not that bad. and pray, God is a good listener. added bonus: if you listen hard enough, He talks back.
thanks for reading. =]
posted from my livejournal, i have an urge to talk about the old me. i've changed a LOT thanks to God. this is so awkward, you have to understand my entire life i've felt judged by everyone i've ever met, online or in person. ugh.
i blasted God a lot in the past. i was KINDA raised christian, although i didn't equate CHRISTmas with Christ and i didn't pray and i certainly did not love God. i went to church for a while when i was in the 6th grade and actually liked it a lot, i liked the people (although, as is a common theme in my life, i thought they were better than me and judged me) and the events and the music and even the sermons. but i never really got baptized. at 11 i think i knew you had to come to religion, not expect it to come to you. so i ended up stopping going and really, my life went downhill for years and years and years.
in high school, the only times i prayed were when i demanded something of God. literally "why are you doing this to me?!" or "please make this happen!" but nothing in return really. i still acted like a brat, ate a lot, didnt exercise, was very obese (260 pounds), had only a few friends, and refued to address my own feelings of inadiquacy. i made fun of christians, jesus, god, church, and anything related. i went as far as to dislike some christians because of how nice they were. i thought it was annoying and they were fake. it was really kind of sad.
that's why i started getting into drugs. it was the only way i knew how to fit in and find a place in the world. i always felt depressed and ugly and hated myself, but i didn't have the motivation to lsoe weight and do the right thing and be a good person, so i picked drugs and alcohol.
well, 8 months ago i was pretty screwed up. i smoked weed multiple times a day, stole money from my parents,i'd sold stuff i owned to buy weed, i drank like a fish and had done a TON of other drugs (more than any 17 year old should even know about to be honest..) and had no intention of stopping. i had a list of drugs i wanted to try, and meth started seeming less and less "bad" to me. no joke. i was screwed up.
at first, i was really good about my illegal behavior. i never drank and drive, never lent my car out, never stole money from the rents to buy stuff, nothing. slowly i didnt care. well, one day in late may when i was talking to this guy and FIRST started becoming religious, i decided to turn my back on God.
see, i'd started having REALLY freaking weird things happen to me. i'm not joking. sometimes on a whim i'd think about religion and go "look God, if you want me on your side you HAVE TO GET ME. anything that wins over my skeptical nature will do. you know me well enough, figure it out." pretty rude, to the creator of the universe and all.
well finally, this stuff started happening. its nothing anyone else in the world would find significant, but i noticed. i would laugh in a room full of people, still being a hardcore agnostic, and say out loud "nice one man!" it was stuff that really just... wowed me. so anyway, i was starting to know there was a God. and things started getting better. a lot better, and a lot different. well, this guy was an atheist. i decided that exploring my potential beliefs was too much work, and scott wouldnt like me if i turned at christian on his butt, so i was like "LOL WHATEVS."
bad idea.
that night, i drove home totally drunk. 3 days later, i literally had double vision and drove back to my house to PICK UP MY LAPTOP CHARGER. it was ugly.
and it just got worse. i stopped caring. like i said before, my life was garbage. bad things started happening to me, and my self worth mananged to drop to zero. this guy messed with my emotions (not intentionally of course) and well, i dont know. it just got bad. really bad. i had a few close calls with parents, car accidents, and police. and i don't know.
well, come mid july, i knew there was something horribly wrong with me. i'd always felt "depressed" but it was really more like self pity before then, i really think. this time, i was truly depressed. i didn't believe in myself, i was drinking at 11 am and really spending my whole summer doing NOTHING. i didnt see anyone but my mom for a month. literally, a month. i didn't know what was wrong with me or why i was getting so bad. well one day, i went to dad's. pounded 6 beers. called my weed dealer, and smoked with him (i remember him being like "what the heck.." because i NEVER called him and went over there alone), by then i was crossfaded as ever. i wasnt sure how i was gonna drive home, because the world was shaking and spinning.. it was only 11:30. somehow i got back to my dads, and i sat on the couch to sober up. and i was like... "this is what my life is gonna be? how can anyone be happy like this?" and just thinking, long and hard about everything. and i knew if i kept this up, my life was coming to a quick end. i honestly wonder if i didnt start praying right then, if i'd be dead right now. i don't doubt it.
well i prayed. i didn't know how. it was awkward. i thought of how to write a letter to a soldier you dont know. that was my format in my head. i prayed for a long time basically begging to get out of this. i knew it was just... rock bottom. i needed a change. and well, the sun started moving to the west (which my dads room faced) and lit up his entire room. his room is at the end of the hall. it was like a light at the end of the tunnel. it was really weird. i sat there on the couch not watching tv or doing anything, just sitting there for about 3-4 hours. everytime i got scared or lonely i'd look down the hall at the light and feel better.
things really havent been "easy" since then. i still smoke pot now and then (i've quit 4 times and give in each time, although the times i smoke are getting farther and farther between), i still struggle with gossiping, i still judge people, i still eat too much at times and backtalk my rents. but really, i'm trying. so hard. i try every day. i thank God every day for being alive, for being off of anti-depressants, for my family, for feeling content with who i am and no longer wanting to be in the party scene, for saving me from that life, for having so many friends and feeling so well liked for once, for having a purpose in life and being so motivated to do something (as weird as it is, my calling is to join the US army... i want to be a soldier more than anything). i've lost so much weight and gotten so strong and fit and nice and driven in everything i do. things are great. 2 months ago i was the nastiest slob you would have ever met, and im not joking. when i was 16 i had a moldly potato in my room that i named justin. yes, that gross, heroine addict gross. i'm like, extremely clean now. i've never been clean in my 18 years of life. i'm actually a tidy person now. really tidy, to the point where i clean other people's messes because it annoys me to have it in my space.
i'm nice to jehova's witnesses and homeless people. i smile too much. i dont accept money from my parents really ever anymore, i actually work out willingly and for longer than i have to, and i talk to people i used to look up to like they were paris hilton with ease. and i have this insane patience with kids now, like i used to want to beat kids on the head with a crowbar but now they make me laugh os much and i love talking to them for hours. its weird. it's too weird. i'm not even the same person. all my old friends know... and sort of either stopped hanging with me, or stopped talking to me as much. doesn't bother me though. (the way i used to put it, cos it felt awkward to say "i'm a christian", is i'd tell them "i got Jesus in my life" and a lot of them tell me they know that i'm a happier person and they cant wait to have Jesus in their lives too. it's sweet haha.)
i see the entire world differently. it's like i took a step back, and everything here on earth is sort of... a preamble to the rest of it. if that makes any sense. it makes life easier to live, because everything isn't such a big freaking deal. i don't understand, and im completely honest, how people can live their whole lives without God and really be happy. i don't see how it's possible, to tell you the truth. maybe that's just me, but i feel like a hole in me that's been there since i was a kid is filled. and i'm not perfect, at all. but i try. really freaking hard. i still mess up, but it doesn't get me down. i'm not scared of the dark anymore, or of disease or dying or war or famine or infertility or annoying my dad or failing at life. i dunno.
religion actually is cool. and this is coming from one of the anti's. things won't always be this great, i'm sure. i'm sure i'll get somewhat upset with life many times in my future, but i'm not worried at all. i really feel like i have the best crutch ever to deal with it all.
so, moral of the story: go to church. it is not that bad. and pray, God is a good listener. added bonus: if you listen hard enough, He talks back.
thanks for reading. =]
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