I feel so helpless

[Suzy_Lee]

My family is falling apart. I feel like i can't do anything about it, i try and try, but nothing. In the outside it seems that its okay, but i try and stay away from home as much as i can. At least when my parents are here. I do this cause i feel theres nothing i can do to make my mom happy. Not thats its me making her unhappy. That hurts me deeply, and i run from it.
This might sound slefish, but it is how i feel. I feel tired, sad, stressed, i can't deal with it anymore, i'm getting impatient, i don't rest at night. What is making me so worried is my daughter. I love her and i do not want all these problems that have nothing to do with her to affect her.
I'm lost, i've lost all my strenght. I need help/advice, i need to rest but i dont know how.

-Lucy

(i didn't know if this belonged here, its the only plave i could think of)

 

[Paul_Wright_luvr]

I scream for help
But no one hears
My silent plea
Rings through their ears
And no one hears a sound
The pain on my face
Tells the story
And my tears seem out of place
In this world that tries to be perfect
How many more are there like me
With tears in their eyes
That no one is willing to see
This messed up world
Teaches us to put on a mask
To hide our feelings
Each day this is our task
The fights at home
Are disguised at school
By being happy
This is the unspoken rule
And the world keeps orbiting
Around the sun
Life goes on
And we pretend to have fun
If anyone knoew
What goes on inside
Would they ignore me
Or help me on this emotional ride
Maybe I'll never know


This is a poem that I wrote when I was feeling this way. I think I know how you feel. My family has gome through some hard times and I have had tons of fights with my parents. I used to cry myself to sleep every night. Maybe you just have to accept that there is nothing you CAN do. I know this sounds weird since, as far as I can tell, you are not a Christian, but give it to God. Nothing is too big for Him. I'll be praying for you.

~Bailey

 

[crossrunner]

My prayers are with you sweetie. I know this hurts and I wish I could say something wise to make it all better. Just know that you are never alone...Jesus loves you very much and He is waiting for you to crawl in His arms and cry to Him. God bless you and keep you in His peace.

 

[Suzy_Lee]

Bailey and Crossrunner,

Thank you. Even thoug i am not a Christian, reading what you said really gave me some comfort. I felt some peace. Thank You.

Even though I know that there might not be a single thing I can do, it's hard to give up. Hard to let it be. I'm trying.

Thank you for your prayers, it does mean alot to me.

-Lucy

 

[GreenPartyVoter]

I am so sorry you are going through something so difficult. And having a child in the mix always makes the emotional burden of these things so much heavier.

Your mom's struggles are _her_ struggles. You can support her the best you can, but not to the point of damaging yourself. Ultimately it is up to her to find happiness. As you noted, you can't do it for her.

If you really feel that the situation is toxic to your little one, then get her out of it if you can. If it's just emotional overflow from you then you need to choose to either deal with the problem differently or step away from it.

*hugs and prayers*

 

[brotherjim]

Us Pennsylvanis Dutchmen have a saying: We grow too soon old and too late schmart (smart).

Growing up a rebellious teen myself, and trying to drift off to sleep at night while I had to hear my parents bickering, left an impact. I swore I would never marry.

Later in life, being married and towards the end having a toddler son, I was determined to not make my son suffer as I had to, and yet, ironically, whenever my then wife and I conversed, we often fought. I recall my son bursting into tears one time when I ripped the phone from the wall and threw it outside ("she" had rung up an extensive bill). And while such pained me, and forced be to retreat within myself most of the time, I was too caught up in my own personal and selfish struggles, to busy at making money and lusting after the materialisms for which I was making the money, too much without peace because of my own deficient relationship with God and inability to satisfy my lusts to the degree they dictated---

Just like "them."

Now, a grandfather, no longer struggling with either God, myself or the world, my life filled with the Fruits of the Spirit of Peace and Joy and Gentleness and such; I watch with a broken heart how my son interacts with his now 7-year-old son, how too impatient he his, how too caught up in his struggles of making a living and finding time for all he desires, how to engrossed in the electronics and other tantalizations of modern materialism he is, how too much without sufficient peace whereby he might otherwise be able to spend 2 or 3 hours on the floor playing with his son (at something other than anesthetizing video games), how too unfairly he feels life has dealt him his fate, and the unhappiness, even at times gloom, that such perpetuates in his life---

Just like me.

Cat Stevens, a pop rock star of the late 60's and 70's (now a Muslim, sad to say), wrote a profound piece entitled "Father and Son." Its lyrics are well-worth being sought out and read.

And of course, one of the great sadnesses of it all, is that we as children of our parents, will always blame ourselves for what is going down with them. Sure, having a teen is no fun: they are not very likable at that age, and as such they DO put extra strain on AN ALREADY TOO STRESSED road of self-destruction most all parents are traveling. But it is God himself who ordained such obstacles from the foundation of the world, and just as abortion is not a good solution to what may be the obstacle of an unwanted pregnancy, neither is blaming ourselves for what our parents have failed to obtain via Grace from God, justified.

Just the facts.

brother jim

 

[kamikat]

What is making me so worried is my daughter. I love her and i do not want all these problems that have nothing to do with her to affect her.
I'm lost, i've lost all my strenght. I need help/advice, i need to rest but i dont know how.

-Lucy)

How old is your daughter? Just the fact that you're concerned about how it affects her shows that you're a good mom. Have you tried finding a therapist? Have you tried a moms' group? You can get together with other moms your age, going through the same thing. We all struggle with motherhood during different stages of our children's growth.
kamikat

 

[heron]

Lucy,
Having a little daughter means that you've lost some sleep since she was born, and others in the house have too. If she's a toddler, then everyone's jumpy as she tips things over and unties her shoes at inopportune times.

Kids are wonderful and hilarious, but also very draining. Trying to figure out where the money comes from while you have non-stop watch over her is also exhausting. Your mother might have felt like she finally estabished stability, and now debt is rising again. Grandmothers can also be picky, having high expectations for how the kids dress and behave. Things will improve.

As brotherjim conveyed, the most important thing to focus on is loving your child. If she grows up with that, she will feel stability and richness.

kamikat brought up mothers' groups...even if that seems like one more obligation, the interaction of the kids can end up almost like babysitting, and you will feel a little relief. Some churches even offer free babysitting during mothers' groups.

 

[Suzy_Lee]

brotherjim,
What you said is very true. I have also seen myself becoming alot like my mom, which i do not want.

Kamikat,
She turned 3 in April of this year. I haven't thought of moms' groups. Thank you for bringing that up. I will look for some in here. The difficult thing for me would be to open up. It's really hard for me to talk, it took me forever to write this down. I use to be able to talk about my problems, then i was kinda forced to write them in order to get them 'solved', now thats the only way i can talk about 'em.

heron,
Yes. It's true. I did lose sleep even before she was born. Although she now lets me sleep, its my family problems that keep me up. I lately have been i guess moody, i feel its the stress and just my sadness. This is what worries me, i don't want to fall into temptation again. I've been strong for so long, and i'm afraid to fall. Thats another reason why i came here, posting this.

-Lucy

PS Thank all you guys for this support and advise, it really means alot to me. I feel warm when i come here and read. Thank You.

 

[heron]

Lucy, I remember not sleeping well...maybe part of the routine of jumping up when you hear their voice. But the stresses of life get better when more possibilities open up for you. In a couple years, she'll be in school, and life will have more hope. That's a long time, huh. Just have a good time with her, and your efforts will reward you with trust as she's older. You two can have a little laugh over grandma's stress someday.

 

[crossrunner]

PS Thank all you guys for this support and advise, it really means alot to me. I feel warm when i come here and read. Thank You.

I hope you find peace.

 

[brotherjim]

. . . As brotherjim conveyed, the most important thing to focus on is loving your child. If she grows up with that, she will feel stability and richness. . . .

Well, actually, while I appreciate the credit, I would not at all say that such is the most important thing. On the contrary, it is very easy for humans to idolize their children.

Our priority MUST be, first, focusing on spending great gobs of intimate time with Jesus and His Dad, finding out from them what is still wrong with us (we mostly do not know), and then receiving their Graces to overcome our deficiencies.

Any Peace and Love that comes about as a result of such intimate, prayer clloset fellowship, will not only enable us to Love our children as we should, but ALL people as God commands and requires.

But also, as our children grow up, and if we are committed Christians, we will find God quite frequently throws a monkey wrench into the relationship between us and our kids, that Sword Jesus plainly told He is wielding and which divides those within a household, for He is a jealous God, and ultimately He is to be our children's only true and always trustworthy Source---for all of us are but flesh/dust.


brother jim

 

[brotherjim]

brotherjim,
What you said is very true. I have also seen myself becoming alot like my mom, which i do not want. . . .

Well, Suzy, in that case, and if that is true, then I HIGHLYYYYYYYYYYYYY recommend you obtain the ppk. book The Transformation of the Inner Man by Sanford, which confronts why we end up just like our parents, and gives the practical solutions necessary to break out of that destiny.

I learned of it via www.tacf.org, and they may sell it through their website---dunno. If no longer available/out of print, I would ask their (tacf) advice as to what book is equal to it, because their church runs regular workshops that deal with this, and no doubt they have an accompanying workbook.

God bless, jim

 

[Suzy_Lee]

I learned of it via www.tacf.org, and they may sell it through their website---dunno. If no longer available/out of print, I would ask their (tacf) advice as to what book is equal to it...

brotherjim,
Thank you. I really appreciate it. Hopefully it isn't that difficult to get, I really need to be able to get away from it and be my own self. Thank You.

-Lucy

 

[psalm25]

Take head that your not alone.... everyone goes through periods of trial and feeling lost.

Hang in there!
Hugs and prayers to you!

 

[crossrunner]

Suzy Lee...how are you doing?

 

[L.A.W.]

Lucy, have you tried reading the gospel? It helps and relieves your pain and stress if you read the gospel. Give it a try. Also pray to Yahushua (Jesus) to help you and your family get back together. Have faith and believe in Him. Give it a shot.

 

[Arkanin]

Hey Lucy,

It's not selfish to want to see your parents be happy. If anything, that's more selfless than selfish. You definitely shouldn't blame yourself for anything that happens between them. The best way to deal with any hard situation is to keep going on with life, be a mensch, rely on support from your friends, and if things are difficult, even if it's very hard, do your best to be positive and try to remember the good things that you have. I know it must be an awfully difficult situation; I'm sorry to hear it, and hope that it improves for ya.

 

[Suzy_Lee]

Suzy Lee...how are you doing?

I've been doing better. Thank you.

I kept myself away for a while to keep busy and try to sort out my problems and deal with them as best as I could.

I was able to deal with them after a really short conversation I had with my ex. which even though We spoke of nothing really, I gave me the confidence I needed. I was able to see that I can do it, just like I've been able to accomplish many things on my own. this time I wasn't only going to do it for me, but for my daughter. I was not about to let her see me fall.

I have tried to leave my parents problems to them, and get involved in them as little as possible. That has helped me alot.

Thanx, everyone for their support and their time. I'm extemely greatful. Thank You guys.

-Lucy

 

[Anti Existance]

I think you need to go sit down and tell your problem to your mother. Complain about it, if you do that then at least you will know your position in the family and how to move on. Im feeling that you are trying to hard, you know a person should only be helped if they 'want' that themselves. Free will is holy and if she doesn't well then thats sad but its her choise. Why are you trying to such an extend to be 'accepted' by your mom. You are accepted and loved by God unconditionally, whatever you do in life. God created you in a result that you would receive eternal love and acceptance to be together in this universe for all eternity. What more justification for your existance do you need other then that of God? I know it would be more happy if you where loved ,understood and accepted by your mother. But some people are hard if not impossible to come by, the only thing that you can do is to be a loving and helping person to everyone, and not to worry too much about your daughter, because she loves grandma in a loving and innocent way , i suggest you do the same even if you do not receive the same love back, if you did your best then that's all you could have done.