I feel nothing...*T*

[BlondieLashes]

Possible *T* I don't know...

I am just wondering why I feel nothing at all when I think about the times in my life I've been raped. There are two rapes that stand out in my mind and yet when I think about it I feel nothing. I know rationally that it was wrong. I still struggle with whether or not I was to blame in some way...but I don't feel angry.

I feel a need to "talk" about one rape in particular, but I don't know why. I was raped by a well-known artist that was in his late 60's or 70's at the time of the rape! I met him at the Los Angeles Art Expo and he took me back to his home, tried to get me to drink (which I did not drink at the time) and he raped me. I was in my 20's.

I just wish I could get angry about it or feel something. Maybe I have forgiven? I'd like to think so. Maybe time does help us to heal...or maybe I've really repressed the feelings. I don't know.

Has anyone else experienced the lack of feelings after a traumatic event?

 

[TomCS]

My heart breaks for you BlondieLashes, . I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I don't have any experience with rape, so maybe it is very presumptuous of me to be posting a response at all. If it is, then I apologize. I just wanted you to know that you have my deepest sympathy, and I will pray often for God our Father to heal you from the damage of these traumas.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tom, It is not presumptuous of you at all to post! As a matter of fact, I thank you for your post. It helps to know someone cares and is praying. Thank you!!!!!!! I just feel strange sometimes...people tell me I seem so serene and "together" in "real life" and yet I've got all this stuff locked inside.

 

[Johnnz]

I have found that detachment from any feelings is not uncommon for several reasons - shame, confusion, intense pain, feeling dirty and defiled, being powerless, fear of rejection and/or being blamed - for example. Plus no one to talk to who understands and supports you if ever you tried. Sometimes threats were made - don't dare tell anyone.

Feelings can return when you begin to talk within a trusted relationship. They can make things very messy for a while when they do.

John
NZ

 

[BlondieLashes]

Thanks for the reply John! I can see where that would be the case...I suppose my mind is clouded with confusion. I tend to blame myself because the man was so old I should have been able to fight him off, but I was in such a state of shock it didn't even occur to me. There were also threats made - and a gift given...He gave me a very expensive painting...it was all very confusing.

God bless you John!

 

[Lilymay]

BlondieLashes, yes the lack of feelings is something I have experience with. I am so very sorry you went through this.

Johnnz had some very good words.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Prayers.

 

[BlondieLashes]

BlondieLashes, yes the lack of feelings is something I have experience with. I am so very sorry you went through this.

Johnnz had some very good words.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Prayers.

Thank you Lilymay! I am so sorry that you know what I mean, but thanks for letting me know I am not alone!

 

[Johnnz]

Self blame is all too common. But here are no real grounds for it. It was an unwanted, evil event. Guilt from self blame can be very corrosive and adds to a general feeling of being defiled. Confusion is often a consequence too, as all sorts of feelings, memories, doubts, and later memories replay what happened.

Knowing you are loved, accepted, re-created and given a new start through Jesus can be a sound foundation for reconstruction.

John
NZ

 

[BlondieLashes]

Self blame is all too common. But here are no real grounds for it. It was an unwanted, evil event. Guilt from self blame can be very corrosive and adds to a general feeling of being defiled. Confusion is often a consequence too, as all sorts of feelings, memories, doubts, and later memories replay what happened.

Knowing you are loved, accepted, re-created and given a new start through Jesus can be a sound foundation for reconstruction.

John
NZ

Thank you John!

 

[Colleen1]

Possible *T* I don't know...

I am just wondering why I feel nothing at all when I think about the times in my life I've been raped. There are two rapes that stand out in my mind and yet when I think about it I feel nothing. I know rationally that it was wrong. I still struggle with whether or not I was to blame in some way...but I don't feel angry.

I feel a need to "talk" about one rape in particular, but I don't know why. I was raped by a well-known artist that was in his late 60's or 70's at the time of the rape! I met him at the Los Angeles Art Expo and he took me back to his home, tried to get me to drink (which I did not drink at the time) and he raped me. I was in my 20's.

I just wish I could get angry about it or feel something. Maybe I have forgiven? I'd like to think so. Maybe time does help us to heal...or maybe I've really repressed the feelings. I don't know.

Has anyone else experienced the lack of feelings after a traumatic event?

I've experienced this numb detached feeling. The longest it's lasted for me was a couple of months in regards to the one instance I'm thinking about. But some how in my being I knew this wasn't normal but it took me some doing to get in touch with my feelings. From what I understand it's part of trauma. Along with this I experienced a whole lot of confusion and shame as Johnz described. I was basically petrified numb for many reasons. Some thing that always seems to help me is art. All kinds of art. Music, writing, pictures, movies, etc. Art is rather emotion based and starts the feelings for me whatever they may be. I think it's great you are able to talk about it. I think it's a good start. You continue to be in my prayers.

 

[Colleen1]

I also recognize the manipulation that comes from the abuser and the confusion this creates. e.g the gift given, etc. Their manipulative behavior can really create confusion. But no mistake, the shame is theirs.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Thank you for your reply Colleen. I like the idea of art or writing...that may help. I am sorry you know what I mean. It's been over 10 years for me since this has happened. I have been in therapy but never really even brought it up. Thank you for the prayers - I pray for you as well!

 

[Colleen1]

You're more than welcome. I don't mind praying or listening.

 

[cweinstein]

Possible *T* I don't know...

I am just wondering why I feel nothing at all when I think about the times in my life I've been raped. There are two rapes that stand out in my mind and yet when I think about it I feel nothing. I know rationally that it was wrong. I still struggle with whether or not I was to blame in some way...but I don't feel angry.

I feel a need to "talk" about one rape in particular, but I don't know why. I was raped by a well-known artist that was in his late 60's or 70's at the time of the rape! I met him at the Los Angeles Art Expo and he took me back to his home, tried to get me to drink (which I did not drink at the time) and he raped me. I was in my 20's.

I just wish I could get angry about it or feel something. Maybe I have forgiven? I'd like to think so. Maybe time does help us to heal...or maybe I've really repressed the feelings. I don't know.

Has anyone else experienced the lack of feelings after a traumatic event?

I've experienced this lack of feelings before, it is not uncommon after a traumatic experience. Feelings will return when you're ready. I am praying for you.