I feel like such a freak. Warning, very disturbing and probably triggers...

h_lektronika said:

I feel like such a freak. I read some of these topics on this message board...and i'm nothing like the other assault survivors here.

I'm a new Christian and new to these boards. I was assaulted in my dorm room in the fall of 2005 by a "friend" of mine. He forcibly raped me, and I blamed myself for a long time because I was drunk (he was sober) and thought I somehow deserved it. I never pressed charges or sought out retribution because of this guilt.

Fast forward to today and I know now that the rape wasn't my fault, and I no longer feel guilty for what happened to me. But I do feel guilty for something else. I just recently divorced my husband for his repeated adultery, so i'm not sexually active at the moment. But the assault never made me timid sexually...in fact it had the opposite effect. I became almost hyper-sexualized. I was very promiscuous shortly after the incident. But i went through counseling and settled down not long before I joined a church and got married. The promiscuity did not continue into my marriage, but I did discover something disturbing about myself when I became married.

As my then husband and I become more comfortable sexually together, I discovered that I became aroused by various sex acts. I can't believe i'm admitting this, because it's horribly embarrassing, sickening and disgusting. But I become very aroused at roleplaying rape-type scenarios. I have no idea why. I talked my then-husband into it several times, and while it was occurring I enjoyed it, but afterwards I felt horrified and sick.

I mean, what type of rape victim LIKES sex that mimics rape? There is something seriously wrong with me. I've been to support groups with other women, and I used to constantly hear them talk about how they could barely have sex due to what they've experienced. The ones who could stand sex couldn't deal with sex that was even remotely rough....I just nodded my head and pretended like I understood these women or related to them. Inside my mind was screaming "you are a freak! what's wrong with you?"

I don't know what to do.....the more I think about it the more disgusted I am with my brain. I had finally begun to move forward from all this....then this came up. I sicken myself. I feel very alone.

What's worse is that i'm in a new relationship. My new boyfriend is SO understanding and loving...and a great Christian man who helped the Lord pull me away from a church full of false doctrine and cult-like behaviors. I expect he will be proposing in the near future....But i'm terrified. I've told him about the assault before..but never about my sexual inclinations....and I don't know if I should or not. He's very open, but my ex husband and now the internet are the only ones who know about my perversion.

So what in the heck is wrong with me? And should I discuss it with my boyfriend should we become engaged? I feel so alone and disgusted....

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h_lektronika said:

I feel like such a freak. I read some of these topics on this message board...and i'm nothing like the other assault survivors here.

I'm a new Christian and new to these boards. I was assaulted in my dorm room in the fall of 2005 by a "friend" of mine. He forcibly raped me, and I blamed myself for a long time because I was drunk (he was sober) and thought I somehow deserved it. I never pressed charges or sought out retribution because of this guilt.

Fast forward to today and I know now that the rape wasn't my fault, and I no longer feel guilty for what happened to me. But I do feel guilty for something else. I just recently divorced my husband for his repeated adultery, so i'm not sexually active at the moment. But the assault never made me timid sexually...in fact it had the opposite effect. I became almost hyper-sexualized. I was very promiscuous shortly after the incident. But i went through counseling and settled down not long before I joined a church and got married. The promiscuity did not continue into my marriage, but I did discover something disturbing about myself when I became married.

As my then husband and I become more comfortable sexually together, I discovered that I became aroused by various sex acts. I can't believe i'm admitting this, because it's horribly embarrassing, sickening and disgusting. But I become very aroused at roleplaying rape-type scenarios. I have no idea why. I talked my then-husband into it several times, and while it was occurring I enjoyed it, but afterwards I felt horrified and sick.

I mean, what type of rape victim LIKES sex that mimics rape? There is something seriously wrong with me. I've been to support groups with other women, and I used to constantly hear them talk about how they could barely have sex due to what they've experienced. The ones who could stand sex couldn't deal with sex that was even remotely rough....I just nodded my head and pretended like I understood these women or related to them. Inside my mind was screaming "you are a freak! what's wrong with you?"

I don't know what to do.....the more I think about it the more disgusted I am with my brain. I had finally begun to move forward from all this....then this came up. I sicken myself. I feel very alone.

What's worse is that i'm in a new relationship. My new boyfriend is SO understanding and loving...and a great Christian man who helped the Lord pull me away from a church full of false doctrine and cult-like behaviors. I expect he will be proposing in the near future....But i'm terrified. I've told him about the assault before..but never about my sexual inclinations....and I don't know if I should or not. He's very open, but my ex husband and now the internet are the only ones who know about my perversion.

So what in the heck is wrong with me? And should I discuss it with my boyfriend should we become engaged? I feel so alone and disgusted....

Click to expand...

Mling said:

I'm not an assault survivor--I bopped in here, drawn by the 'feeling like a freak' title. But I'll repeat what was said before me: rape fantasies are completely normal. Tons of women, and men, have them and play them out, without any harmful effects. I've known people who have them in response to assault, specifically-- some people feel like turning that scenario into a game they can enjoy is a way of taking back control over it and themselves. For others, it's like a way of seeing and doing it over and over again, until it loses the power, just from over-exposure.

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h_lektronika said:

I feel like such a freak. I read some of these topics on this message board...and i'm nothing like the other assault survivors here.

I'm a new Christian and new to these boards. I was assaulted in my dorm room in the fall of 2005 by a "friend" of mine. He forcibly raped me, and I blamed myself for a long time because I was drunk (he was sober) and thought I somehow deserved it. I never pressed charges or sought out retribution because of this guilt.

Fast forward to today and I know now that the rape wasn't my fault, and I no longer feel guilty for what happened to me. But I do feel guilty for something else. I just recently divorced my husband for his repeated adultery, so i'm not sexually active at the moment. But the assault never made me timid sexually...in fact it had the opposite effect. I became almost hyper-sexualized. I was very promiscuous shortly after the incident. But i went through counseling and settled down not long before I joined a church and got married. The promiscuity did not continue into my marriage, but I did discover something disturbing about myself when I became married.

As my then husband and I become more comfortable sexually together, I discovered that I became aroused by various sex acts. I can't believe i'm admitting this, because it's horribly embarrassing, sickening and disgusting. But I become very aroused at roleplaying rape-type scenarios. I have no idea why. I talked my then-husband into it several times, and while it was occurring I enjoyed it, but afterwards I felt horrified and sick.

I mean, what type of rape victim LIKES sex that mimics rape? There is something seriously wrong with me. I've been to support groups with other women, and I used to constantly hear them talk about how they could barely have sex due to what they've experienced. The ones who could stand sex couldn't deal with sex that was even remotely rough....I just nodded my head and pretended like I understood these women or related to them. Inside my mind was screaming "you are a freak! what's wrong with you?"

I don't know what to do.....the more I think about it the more disgusted I am with my brain. I had finally begun to move forward from all this....then this came up. I sicken myself. I feel very alone.

What's worse is that i'm in a new relationship. My new boyfriend is SO understanding and loving...and a great Christian man who helped the Lord pull me away from a church full of false doctrine and cult-like behaviors. I expect he will be proposing in the near future....But i'm terrified. I've told him about the assault before..but never about my sexual inclinations....and I don't know if I should or not. He's very open, but my ex husband and now the internet are the only ones who know about my perversion.

So what in the heck is wrong with me? And should I discuss it with my boyfriend should we become engaged? I feel so alone and disgusted....

Click to expand...

cherishmj said:

I agree with the previous post, people are aroused by different things and this does not make you abnormal or weird in anyway and I also agree that it does not have to be related to your assault. No two people respond to the same situation the exact same way, while some women who are survivors have a difficult time with sexuality afterwards, there are some that become more sexually active and expressive sometimes as a means of having the control back that was taken from them, or for other reasons. As I said no two people respond the same, you are normal, and it is ok. I would just be open with your boyfriend and hopefully he will be understanding.

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