Can I get a dose of your wisdom? God has placed a woman in my life, and inside she's everything I've ever wanted and needed in someone. She's a dreamer, a writer, a creative muse, a healer, and an encourager.
We spontaneously felt led to take a trip to my hometown this weekend, and she met my family and closest friends...and they all think its shocking how much of a match we are. They all tell me, "Hang on to her. This is a keeper. Do NOT let her go." She had a list of 42 things she was praying for in a husband, and I meet ALL of them. I just discovered a letter I wrote to myself a year ago about why I couldn't find a real woman of God, and now here she is. She fills in all the gaps that have been keeping me from growing in my relationship with God. She makes me desire to read the Bible every day again, to have passion for it, and to feast on it.
Our hopes and dreams and desire for Jesus as the rock of our lives is almost exactly complimentary to one another. The way we fill in each others' weaknesses is scary. She is BY FAR the most amazing woman of God I have ever met...she walks into a room and instantly cuts through people's masks...her words are drenched with the Holy Spirit...she not only is able to recognize when something is wrong in my soul, but she can almost read WHAT is wrong.
But it's crazy. We both keep getting spiritually attacked, usually at the same moment...in her mind, she keeps hearing the message "he only wants to use you for your body...then he will leave you...he's just another jerk" and in my mind I keep getting "she's ugly...her teeth are crooked...her backside's too small...she doesn't even compare...you can get better...look at all these other women" Most of the time I feel nothing for her. Yesterday, for about 1/2 hour, she was the hottest, most beautiful thing to me and then last night I didn't even want to look at her. Sometimes, when I look at her face, I'm enthralled, other times she looks like a hideous monster.
I notice men leering at her constantly (at the gym, park, my teenage friends, etc.), and everyone I talk to thinks she's adorable, but all my mind can do is pick her body apart. With almost every other girl, I wouldn't be able to get her out of my mind...my desire for her would be so great...but with this one, I feel so sick and repulsed inside.
I've always fallen in love with a woman and remained completely obsessed with her for months, but with my girlfriend I can't stop comparing her physical beauty to every other woman I meet. I feel sick, dead inside and drained. My past is coming back to haunt me. At times I feel like dumping her, and at other times it feels so perfect. I keep saying to myself, "What is wrong with me?" I'm torn apart in three different directions.
We sat alone for four hours at her house last night, and despite all the Christian textbooks saying that the temptation would be overwhelming, I found myself totally turned off to her. With any other girl it would be too much to handle...but I didn't want her at all... yet I enjoyed talking so much that I couldn't bring myself to leave either. We both can sense where this is headed, but I am so confused. I feel so UNattracted to her right now, despite having intense moments of seeing her and LOVING it.
I want to want her. But 1/2 the time, I am sickened by the physical. I wonder....has God put the blinders on me, or is Satan attacking me, or both? The only thing stopping me from thinking she's perfect is the physical...and its scary to think that I would have to end up leaving her for that. I've been praying that God would transform me on the inside to see her alone as beautiful...she's worth that much. But I feel discouraged, confused, and a little angry. Any advice?
We spontaneously felt led to take a trip to my hometown this weekend, and she met my family and closest friends...and they all think its shocking how much of a match we are. They all tell me, "Hang on to her. This is a keeper. Do NOT let her go." She had a list of 42 things she was praying for in a husband, and I meet ALL of them. I just discovered a letter I wrote to myself a year ago about why I couldn't find a real woman of God, and now here she is. She fills in all the gaps that have been keeping me from growing in my relationship with God. She makes me desire to read the Bible every day again, to have passion for it, and to feast on it.
Our hopes and dreams and desire for Jesus as the rock of our lives is almost exactly complimentary to one another. The way we fill in each others' weaknesses is scary. She is BY FAR the most amazing woman of God I have ever met...she walks into a room and instantly cuts through people's masks...her words are drenched with the Holy Spirit...she not only is able to recognize when something is wrong in my soul, but she can almost read WHAT is wrong.
But it's crazy. We both keep getting spiritually attacked, usually at the same moment...in her mind, she keeps hearing the message "he only wants to use you for your body...then he will leave you...he's just another jerk" and in my mind I keep getting "she's ugly...her teeth are crooked...her backside's too small...she doesn't even compare...you can get better...look at all these other women" Most of the time I feel nothing for her. Yesterday, for about 1/2 hour, she was the hottest, most beautiful thing to me and then last night I didn't even want to look at her. Sometimes, when I look at her face, I'm enthralled, other times she looks like a hideous monster.
I notice men leering at her constantly (at the gym, park, my teenage friends, etc.), and everyone I talk to thinks she's adorable, but all my mind can do is pick her body apart. With almost every other girl, I wouldn't be able to get her out of my mind...my desire for her would be so great...but with this one, I feel so sick and repulsed inside.
I've always fallen in love with a woman and remained completely obsessed with her for months, but with my girlfriend I can't stop comparing her physical beauty to every other woman I meet. I feel sick, dead inside and drained. My past is coming back to haunt me. At times I feel like dumping her, and at other times it feels so perfect. I keep saying to myself, "What is wrong with me?" I'm torn apart in three different directions.
We sat alone for four hours at her house last night, and despite all the Christian textbooks saying that the temptation would be overwhelming, I found myself totally turned off to her. With any other girl it would be too much to handle...but I didn't want her at all... yet I enjoyed talking so much that I couldn't bring myself to leave either. We both can sense where this is headed, but I am so confused. I feel so UNattracted to her right now, despite having intense moments of seeing her and LOVING it.
I want to want her. But 1/2 the time, I am sickened by the physical. I wonder....has God put the blinders on me, or is Satan attacking me, or both? The only thing stopping me from thinking she's perfect is the physical...and its scary to think that I would have to end up leaving her for that. I've been praying that God would transform me on the inside to see her alone as beautiful...she's worth that much. But I feel discouraged, confused, and a little angry. Any advice?
