I feel like I'm starting to hate my husband

[cmarie423]

I really am, I suppose hate is a strong word especially since we're going to have a second child together etc. but i'm frustrated. He's not a christian, not yet at least. He's interested in it but his habits are otherwise. He's always talking about other woman being attractive, he swears, he's extremely racist and I find it maddening because he doesn't even understand it's offensive to me since I'm Italian. He'll make fun of my culture because he thinks its "funny" He's always talking about hating people, he always wants to "fit in" so he'll make offensive jokes about me in front of friends like all I exist for is "cleaning and making babies" just because he doesn't want them to think he actually cares about me because none of his friends like their wives. I'm always upset because he never wants to help me with our son and since I'm in the early stages of pregnancy I'm exausted. I've prayed so many times but I don't know what to do. I try to talk to him but all he focuses on is how i want "to change him" It's maddening. His work is slow right now so I know he's upset because we don't have a lot of income but I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of him taking his rude attitude out on me and everyone else just because their different.

 

[I Art Laughing]

I would like to ask you a few questions.

What do you think you should do about the situation?

Have you prayed and asked God what He would have you do?

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
(Jas 1:2-5)

and

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
(Jas 4:7-10)

Have you given thanks for everything God has blessed you with that is good in your life?

Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
(Php 4:5-7)

Do you realize that God does love your husband and that He want's you to love him too?

The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.
(2Pe 3:9)

I would also recommend reading 1 Peter 3 if you are interested in witnessing to your husband (as the Lord empowers you).

You are the believer, and his wife. I hope that God helps you see your husband as your chief ministry opportunity and I will be praying for you. These situations can be some of the hardest to overcome.

Also remember, it may not be your husband you are starting to hate, it may be what is operating around you:

Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
(Eph 6:11-13)

 

[renewed21]

but i'm frustrated.He's always talking about other woman being attractive, he swears, he's extremely racist and I find it maddening because he doesn't even understand it's offensive to me since I'm Italian. He'll make fun of my culture because he thinks its "funny" He's always talking about hating people, he always wants to "fit in" so he'll make offensive jokes about me in front of friends like all I exist for is "cleaning and making babies" just because he doesn't want them to think he actually cares about me because none of his friends like their wives.

Sorry to hear that. I know it's no excuse but male are generally less mature in behaviorally and emotionally. And yes, he is trying to be "cool" by being this way.


I'm always upset because he never wants to help me with our son and since I'm in the early stages of pregnancy I'm exausted. I try to talk to him but all he focuses on is how i want "to change him" It's maddening. I'm tired of him taking his rude attitude out on me and everyone else just because their different.

What I can say to you is to again, tell him how these things make you feel and that how important it is to you. Maturity is sometimes a slow process, it was/is in my case.

I know it is hard, but try to be as positive as you can in your attitude. In a lot of situations each parties "negative" attitudes feed into each other and grow bigger. If you both are agreeable, go see your church leaders for wisdom and guidance. God Bless sister.

 

[Athene]

He sounds emotionally abusive.

Take a look at this list, how much applies to you?

Abuse Signs

 

[BobRyan]

Talk to people in your/his church and see if they can give him the right view of women and marriage and the concept of caring about others more than one's self.

The self-absorbed individual has himself on the throne of his heart not God and it will manifest in many many ways over time. The only fix here is that he becomes an actual Christian - not merely "in name only".

in Christ,

Bob

 

[citizenthom]

Well, my first question would be, have you told HIM all these things that are hurting you? And when I say "told" I mean explained in the same calm and orderly way you just did, not screaming them incoherently or otherwise lashing out. If so, how did he respond?

 

[JaneFW]

%

 

[The Antigrrrl]

Have you tried setting up boundaries with him calmly. "if you make comments like this, I will leave the room, you are entitled to your opinions but that doesn't mean I have to listen to them." You cannot control his behaviors but you can definitely control your reaction. I have had several of the same problems with my husband and have found that when I am firm about what I will sit and listen to, i.e. if we are watching TV and he starts making offensive comments I will get up and watch TV in another room or go do something else.

Less appropiate but hard for me sometimes is when he makes an offensive comment it is hard for me sometimes not to make one at his expense and then say "not so funny when it is about you huh?"

And evidently my husband needs to leave because I'm so abusive, half of the behaviors on that list are things I've done to him and vice versa.

 

[dallasapple]

Dallas

 

[citizenthom]

Why make such a pointless gibe?

Not pointless and not a gibe. People take away completely different things from conversations than from fights; and if something has only been shared with anger it's not going to be heard.

 

[citizenthom]

Because hes obviously confusing his wife with her..???

Dallas

See, now,THAT is what a pointless jab looks like.

/also highly inaccurate

 

[suzybeezy]

MOD HAT ON

Take this off topic back and forth to private message - don't derail this thread with it!

MOD HAT OFF

 

[renewed21]

Have you tried setting up boundaries with him calmly. "if you make comments like this, I will leave the room, you are entitled to your opinions but that doesn't mean I have to listen to them." You cannot control his behaviors but you can definitely control your reaction. I have had several of the same problems with my husband and have found that when I am firm about what I will sit and listen to, i.e. if we are watching TV and he starts making offensive comments I will get up and watch TV in another room or go do something else.

Less appropiate but hard for me sometimes is when he makes an offensive comment it is hard for me sometimes not to make one at his expense and then say "not so funny when it is about you huh?"

And evidently my husband needs to leave because I'm so abusive, half of the behaviors on that list are things I've done to him and vice versa.

CMarie, this is constructive advice from someone who has "been there".

 

[cmarie423]

I have talked to him without yelling and such, I think praying has worked. He's told me he felt like he's not being there for me like he should be, etc. I feel like he actually means it. I wouldn't say he's emotionally abusive since I've been in that kind of relationship before but I do know he's really immature at times. I think things are improving. He really wants to read the bible with me more and he really wants to be focused on this pregnancy so thankfully things look like there shaping up. Thanks for everyones input :]

 

[renewed21]

good to see that some positive results are coming out. Life sure is a learning process. God Bless

 

[Cascade]

So young dear. I prayed here for you both. In my early years of marriage we were a wreck. Much to work on. Look up and ask for help. If this is meant to be God will hekp work things around so you mend and mesh together.

 

[bethrow]

Yes I agree with Cascade. So young. Marriage was very hard for me and I didn't get married until I was 32. I can't imagine marrying in my early 20's. Guys are just not able in this day and age to be mature enough....not with the peer pressure they deal with, what they see on tv etc etc.
Continue to pray. It will be a bumpy road for a long time because most likely he won't change over night. It might take several years for him to become the man he should be.

 

[IneedyouGod]

Hi. I know this post was a long time ago, but I recently found it because I'm going through a similar situation. I've been married for 3 years, but we've been together 11 years. I also feel I'm starting to hate my husband. It feels strong to say, and I really don't want to feel this way, but it's been very difficult. I work really hard, and my husband is very lazy. He gets on and of jobs because he never feels comfortable in any job, but he doesn't want to understand he's not a professional, he's over 40 and has no abilities.
We live in my parents house because we can't afford paying rent. We have no hoped of EVER buying a home. To make matters worse, my biggest dream was having a baby, and now it turns that he can't even give me that. He's infertile. That only makes matters worse. I've wasted all my savings in fertility treatments. Sometimes I feel like if God had abandoned me. We have no luck at all.
I haven't decided to end the relationship because I feel it would be wrong to leave him because of his fertility problem, I know that is not his fault, but I feel so miserable every day.
I wrote this because the person who wrote this post has much reason to feel sad, but also has many blessings. You have three little angles. I would feel so blessed if God could give me that so desired miracle.
God bless you all

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

My best friend for a good 15 years or so was a diehard atheist. BTW not saying a friend is like having a spouse. I tried to "convert" him by letting him see how I was as a christian since he had a bad experience with christians because of his aunts/uncles. And while he did notice that I wasn't like other christians, in the end I could not change him at all. He was loud, swore like a sailor, talked sexually about women all the time, was racist at times, mocked Jesus and overall is the opposite of me.

To the point of after he moved a few hours south we stopped talking. Turns out I wasn't rubbing off on him that much, instead he was rubbing off on me. I started to swear alot, I started to think sexually about women, I cared about God less (granted I was semi-rebelling against God at the time).

While its good in your recent post that he noticed he needs to help more, theres not much you can do at this point about he acts. You just gotta pray for strength. You can't change someone in a marriage, its very hard and in the end just makes you more upset. I'll skip the unequally yolked thing because its of no use currently. Though as you can see this is why.

Now you need to think about your kids. Because if he acts like this, our kids learn from us. We may teach them things, but they tend to pick up on what we actually do every day. So if they see "dad" swear. They may began to think its ok to do. If they see him be racist, they will think the same....etc. Maybe have a talk with him about trying to be careful around the kids. Your an adult and while you may not be easily swayed to act like him, kids are super impressionable.

Do you know why he is an atheist? Is it because of a bad past with christians? Or is it just the normal "I see no proof in God" thing? Granted again that will be hard to change his mind on. If you can at least find his reasoning maybe you can over time show him the truth. By that I mean like for example if something miraculous happens you can say "God is so good, he provided a miracle!". Maybe it will help sway him. Or he may just see it as random luck. Whatever the case your married to him and stuck with how he is and can only pray things change.


---EDIT---
Just realized this was from 2012. I should read the dates before posting lol.